Going Going Gone (13 page)

“Or he wouldn’t have been able to get the picture of me as a senior with four chins and he would’ve been shocked and horrified I’d even won him.”

Gwen elbowed her gently. “He wouldn’t have done that.”

“Well, it’s too late now. We have to be over at his place in an hour.” To calm herself, Nell drew in a big breath and held it before slowly releasing it. “I’m going to tell him. It’s the right thing to do. Then he won’t have to wonder why I’ve left town and never answer when he calls. Because he won’t have to call.”

“I’m sorry, Nell. Really I am. Despite my smugness at being right, I hate to see you hurting. I’m hoping that he’ll understand. Maybe if he does, then you can stop hiding down there in New York, and come home.”

Nell’s confidence hadn’t improved when they pulled into Eli’s drive an hour later. In fact, she felt like she was marching to her execution.

Dylan and Emma raced around the yard, both wearing bathing suits, and Autumn seemed eager to join them. Several people had already gathered on the back deck and the smell of burgers on the grill enticed Mark, Gwen and Nell to join them. Yet a somber pall hovered over the group, no doubt due to the tragedy over at the Lincoln farm. Nell remembered Corrine Lincoln well. It broke her heart that the woman had perished. The town had definitely lost one of its finest.

Eli was absent from the group, so Nell went inside to search for him. Not to tell him. Not yet. She longed to enjoy one last perfect day with him before she dropped the bomb on him.

She found him in the kitchen putting raw steak onto a platter. He didn’t look up when she entered, even when he should’ve seen her. He stared down at the meat, a frown etching a furrow between his brows. After the previous day, she couldn’t blame him. Still, with her new worries, she wished he’d say something. Anything.

“Hey,” she finally said, taking a step closer.

Eli glanced up slowly and gave her a narrow look. Not exactly the gaze of a man in love.

Ice crept around her heart. She brought her arms up across her chest to fend off the chill. “Everything okay?”

“Everything is great. Terrific.” Of course, his tone contradicted his words. His voice seemed as hard as his stare.

“I find that hard to believe.”

Eli put the fork down on top of the steaks. “Come here. I want to show you something.”

Nell almost refused, wanting nothing more than to be outside. She had a feeling this was ‘do or die’ time.

Silently, she followed him to the den. He stopped next to his desk, not hiding the glare on his face now. He shot it right at her, no holds barred.

“Why did you lie to me?”

Nell didn’t have to look down at the desk to know he’d dug out their senior class yearbook. She’d never bought one herself, but she discovered her mother had purchased one. To this day she refused to look at it.

She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again. She could tell him the truth and say she wanted to yank his feelings a bit, give him a little taste of the misery he caused her in the past. Or she could say she liked the way he looked at her the night of the auction and she didn’t want to spoil that feeling of attraction.

Truth be told, both were fact.

“Seemed like the right thing to do at the time,” she replied tightly.

He flipped the book shut with a hard slap. “That’s it?”

“No, of course not.” Nell drew in a big breath and released it quickly. “Eli, I never intended for this to go as far as it has. I walked into that damned gym and not one person recognized me. You will never know what that’s like, thank God. I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone.”

Eli continued to glare, unmoved. She wanted to shake him, to force him to understand how she had felt in that gym, when he looked at her the way he did. She had felt revived and sexy, and honestly, there was power in that.

“I shouldn’t have lied. I know that and I’ll admit that my intentions toward you weren’t pure. All I could think of was, ‘wow, he’s looking at me the way I used to secretly look at him.’ But I never thought we’d go this far.”

“You keep saying that. How far did you plan on taking it? Did you just want to seduce me, sleep with me and then dump me on my ass?”

Nell hated the steel in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. She longed to soothe it away, make him understand what she felt for him now was real.

Since the majority of the truth finally hung in the air between them, there wasn’t any reason to hide the rest. “Actually, no. All I wanted from you was hard labor at my mother’s house. The flirting came naturally. If you hadn’t asked me to dinner, we probably wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

“Awesome,” he jeered. “Turn this around and place the blame on me.”

Nell stretched her hand toward him, but he stepped back, out of her reach. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m trying to make you see that I never expected to fall in love with you. God, Eli, I wish more than anything that I could go back to the night of the auction and reveal myself. But I can’t. And I couldn’t bear to think of how you might have looked at me if you’d remembered me from school.”

“Then I guess you don’t know me too well.”

Nell narrowed her eyes. A bubble of anger simmered up inside. Didn’t he remember how he used to treat her? “I knew how you were in high school with your group of friends, especially your girlfriend. You were cruel, Eli. You made my life miserable. That’s what I remembered about you. If you can’t understand—”

“So you wanted a little payback. Fine, you got it. I fell in love with you and now I’ve got a taste of what I dished out back then. You want an apology? I’ll give you one. I’m sorry for how I used to treat you. I was an asshole. I didn’t think past what my friends thought of me and I wanted to be cool. Teasing you was just a part of that. If I could go back and change it, I would.” A mixture of pain and anger roughened his voice and blazed in his eyes. Nell longed to soothe both away but she knew there wouldn’t be any reaching him, not at this moment.

“But I can’t go back any more than you can,” he pointed out.

Silence filled the space between them. Nell looked down at her hands. This was so stupid. How could they have gone from madly in love, to standing on opposite sides of a chasm so deep that there wouldn’t be any way to bridge it?

Chapter 13

For the rest of the weekend, Nell worked like a fiend to finish all the last minute details, packing what she no longer needed so she could have everything brought back to her place in New York. She planned to be gone by Tuesday morning. Jill had already left, which was a relief. Nell just wanted to be alone, not to have to talk to anyone or explain why she cried so much.

Gwen had stopped by as soon as the cookout ended, demanding answers, offering comfort, but she didn’t give it without a small dose of, “I told you so.” As soon as Nell could send her away, she did, promising to be in touch. For the rest of the weekend she settled for wallowing in her own misery.

She told herself she deserved this. It was a joke, the idea she could just walk away from him, from what they had without hurt.
No harm, no foul, my ass.

Monday morning Jill returned, happy, glowing and in love. Looking at her dreamy smile only increased Nell’s pain, but she painted on a fake smile of her own when Jill waved her left hand in front of her eyes. A diamond solitaire glittered from her ring finger. Nell went through all the proper displays of joy. She really was happy for Jill. She knew Chuck was crazy about her and vice versa. Jill deserved every ounce of happiness she could get. Underneath, desolation weighed down on Nell’s heart like a cold lead weight.

“I want to leave for good by Tuesday morning,” she told Jill. “I need to be back in New York, back in my own workspace for the last few days.”

Jill grinned. “I kind of like it here. We worked like demons. I don’t think we’ve ever been this productive.”

Nell eyed her assistant curiously. “Don’t tell me you’re ready to relocate to the country.”

“I don’t know. Chuck is from a tiny town in Pennsylvania. I think I could adapt.”

Nell had to chuckle. “Our industry is in New York. I don’t know if we could make it as well up here.”

“You never know.” Jill shrugged.

Jill’s suggestion that they stay caught Nell by surprise. “You’re a die-hard New Yorker. What in the world is changing your mind?”

“Chuck and I were talking about it when we were up north. I love New York, but we’re going to have kids someday. I don’t know if I want to raise them in the city. I always wanted to live somewhere quiet, with a little land. I thought it would be a bonus if I could have my career, too.”

They didn’t discuss it further. If things had been different with Eli, Nell would have seriously considered staying. In fact, she longed to stay. She could easily convert this house into her studio. She would hire Paula, even have Emma over to help out if the girl wanted. Lots of designers made such situations work.

But not now. Not with her relationship with Eli in ashes. She drew in a slow breath. Her chest felt tight, as if there were too much heartache inside, leaving no room for anything else.

When her two models arrived on Monday, Nell threw herself into the fittings.
This is no time for pity parties or regrets.
Grimly, she set to work on the collection’s final touches. Her misery would have to wait for at least one day. For now, the rush of putting these outfits together, knowing they were going to wow the crowds and boost her career, was enough to keep the heartbreak at bay.

Grief returned later that night. After Jill, Tanya and Sam went to bed, Nell took advantage of the solitude and headed for her little playhouse behind the barn. She gathered the remainders of her teenage loneliness, the box containing her diary and the cut out pictures of skinny, gorgeous models and celebrities. Everything that reminded her of who she used to be and how she’d been treated back then. She brought them out to the barbeque pit her father had built out of bricks, and threw the lot on top of the old cinders and ash.

Coldly, she doused the small pile with lighter fluid. “Goodbye Pudge,” she murmured and dropped a lit match. As the flames flared, her lips turned up in a sad smile. Maybe she’d start a big fire and the fire department would show up. That would be hilarious. Eli would probably accuse her of setting it on purpose just to see him. Her smile held no humor and it was quick to die as the flames quickly settled down.

I should be bawling right now.
But her eyes remained dry. “Pudge” hadn’t been a part of her life for a long time, so letting go of her now didn’t overwhelm her emotionally. Instead, Nell felt sadness that the girl even existed in the first place. She was in a “better” place now and nothing but happiness and satisfaction should have remained.

It only took a few minutes for her past to fall into a pile of gray remains. Nothing but the wire spiral binder of the diary remained, but Nell stayed by the pit for over half an hour. Nighttime embraced her with only the light from the back porch to illuminate the yard.

This would most likely be the last time she’d ever sit here, in the yard of her childhood home. Unexpectedly, finally, sadness swept over her and her eyes blurred with tears.

Eli knew Nell was still in town, but according to Howie, she was packing up to leave. He wasn’t sure why his friend felt the need to keep him informed or why he stared hard at Eli as if waiting for a response. What was left to say? What Nell did or didn’t do was no longer his concern. He didn’t care.

Or at least he tried to convince himself he didn’t care. In reality, he cared too damn much. Underneath the anger that burned steadily inside his brain and belly, there was a hurt he knew wouldn’t go away anytime soon. A part of him thought he shouldn’t make such a big deal of what happened, because what they had shared was too important to let this bump in the road cause a good thing to crash and burn.

Then there was that other part of him raging inside. She shouldn’t have lied. Everything they shared was built on dishonesty and there was no way in hell it could survive if she couldn’t trust him with such an integral piece of information. What else did she lie about? How could he trust that she really loved him when he knew her plan from the start was to use him, to get a little payback for what he did to her in their past? How far did her need for revenge go?

“Well, I can’t believe you’re not even going to try to talk to her before she leaves.” Howie’s muttered comment shook Eli from his brooding.

He glared as Howie took a long draw from his beer. “Why would I want to do that? She lied to me. She could have come clean from day one and we wouldn’t be where we are now.” He was beginning to regret confiding in Howie about their breakup. He thought Howie would be on his side.

Instead, Howie had become Nell’s biggest advocate. Not even Gwen or Mark went to bat for her as strongly.

Howie shook his head and stared at his beer. “You just don’t get it, man. You can’t even begin to understand what it was like for kids like Nell and me back in high school. Always on the outside looking in. Being ignored and walked all over until one of you guys figured it would be fun to see us squirm. I always wondered what really went through your brains when you singled us out for your special brand of hell.”

Words stuck in Eli’s throat. He couldn’t get them out to defend himself because he knew damned well there was no defense for them. He had been a jackass of the worst kind back then. Howie was right. But that was then. Things were different. Yet even that line of defense seemed weak.

“I admit, your ex-wife was the worst of the lot, but buddy, you came damned close.”

“Then why are you sitting next to me, talking to me?”

Howie gave him a solid slap on the back. “Because we’ve both changed and we’ve seen each other go through the changes. Honestly, I think your changes were more profound than mine. I respect and admire how far you’ve come, Eli. I know you’re not that guy in high school anymore, just like I’m not the scrawny geek who couldn’t take two steps without tripping over my own feet.”

Eli nodded. The idea he’d changed more than Howie over the years was a little startling, but it was something that did his heart good. The more he thought of himself back in high school, the more he hated who he’d been. Every ounce of him.

“I still don’t get why she had to lie to me.” He wasn’t ready to give in, no matter how many truths Howie laid out for him. “She’s changed, too. She’s confident, sexy and beautiful. Why would she have to hide anything? You’d think she’d have been proud to rub it in my face, the transformation she’s gone through.”

“No way. Not when she believed you were the same old asshole you used to be. She figured you would look down on her the same way you did before. She doesn’t know you. There was no reason to think you were any different.”

Eli didn’t reply. Instead, he tried to understand Howie’s words. They made a lot of sense. Some of the anger inside simmered down a bit, but it didn’t go away. It wouldn’t be going away for a good long time.

“I can’t change things that happened. She couldn’t trust me. If she trusted me then she would’ve told me. I shouldn’t have had to find out from Shelly. I feel like a damned fool, Howie. And I don’t even know if what we shared was real or her just putting me in my place.”

Over the next week he thought he’d move past this, at least a little. After all, Nell hadn’t been a part of his life for more than a few weeks. Logically it shouldn’t take much longer than that to purge her completely, especially when he knew she was gone. He’d even taken a drive past the Goodwin house. Just to make sure. The place looked completely deserted.

For some reason he felt an emptiness, as cold and deep as a pit inside him where not long ago love and desire seemed solid and real.

Even Emma and Dylan missed Nell. When they visited, Emma spent most of her time in her room at her sewing machine or on the deck with a drawing pad, sketching out her own clothing designs. Whatever else, Nell stirred Emma’s passion for design. There was so much the girl could have learned from Nell, but now the chance was gone.

As for Dylan, he kept asking when Nell was coming back. Eli didn’t have the heart to tell him Nell wouldn’t be coming back. His boy was young. He’d get over this quickly and forget about Nell.

Eli didn’t think he would be so lucky.

At the end of the first week, on the night Nell was holding her fashion show in New York, he had to face Gwen at the booster club meeting for the Special Olympics softball team he coached. In fact, the way she approached him, determination in her eyes and a set jaw, there was no way to escape.

He prepared himself for an upbraiding, but instead got a sympathetic smile and hug from her. When she released him, her brows rose and her hands went to her belly.

“Whoa, little guy is playing soccer in there,” she explained with a laugh. The smile disappeared quickly, and the look in her eyes sobered. “I’m sorry about Nell. I told her to be up front with you. Well, I did after she already introduced herself as my friend.”

Eli shrugged. “Not your fault.” He couldn’t blame her for holding Nell’s secret. She was a loyal sister.

Gwen bit her lower lip. “I told her you two would be good together. If she’d been up front with you, that is. I had no idea what it was like for her in school but I told her you’d changed. She believed it but knew there was no way she could admit her secret. What a mess.”

Eli stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, what a mess.”

Gwen put a hand on his arm. “For what it’s worth, in the end she wasn’t faking what she felt. I know how crazy she was for you. I never saw her like that in her entire life. She was even considering moving her operations here. Of course, it wouldn’t have worked out, not with this lie over her head.”

“It’s water under the bridge,” he replied tiredly. What was the use in thinking or dwelling over it? Nell was gone and she wouldn’t be back. That was probably for the best. How in the world could he make her happy up in the sticks after an exciting life in New York? The slow pace of Harper’s Grove would’ve sent her running back to the bright lights and excitement of the city.

Gwen suddenly grimaced and she rubbed at her belly. “Damn,” she ground out through her clenched jaw. “That hurt.”

His preoccupation with his broken love life pushed to the background, Eli put his arm around the pregnant woman. “You okay? Come on, sit down.”

He helped her walk to a chair, her back hunched and her arm cradled around her stomach. “Crap, I’m not ready for this.”

He held onto her and gently lowered her into a chair. Several people in the room took notice and started to gather around. Eli knelt in front of her. “Are you in labor?”

Gwen winced and nodded. “But this doesn’t feel right at all.”

Nell sat back in her chair and held her flute of champagne up. Jill, Tanya and Sam lifted theirs too, along with Chuck, who preferred his mug of beer. Austin, the owner of the club who hosted the show, raised a glass of ice water.

“To a fantastic evening,” Nell said, full of smug confidence. In fact everything about the night had been perfection, from each outfit that came down the runway, to the amazing models who showed them off to their best, to the receptive audience who raved about her work. And most of all, the look on Javier’s face. The bastard! Looking so cool and comfortable, his eyes hidden behind ridiculously arrogant sunglasses, his young wife, Milla, draped on his arm like an adoring pet.

She’d personally greeted them both and showed them to their seats, offering them a glass of champagne. Javier had been scathingly condescending. If she hadn’t known about his crimes, she may not have recognized his smug little smirk at the corner of those thin lips, or the way he patted her hand.

You think you’ve won, you jerk? You’ve got another think coming.

When she could, she watched him closely throughout the entire show. Watched with overwhelming satisfaction as he dragged off his sunglasses when her second design came down the runway. His eyes narrowed and those thin lips seemed to disappear as he clenched his jaw.

All Nell could do was grin.

“My God, I swear I saw steam shooting out of his ears,” Jill commented. “I’ve never seen anyone look so pissed yet so polite at the same time.”

Nell laughed again and took a sip of the cool golden liquid in the glass. “I would have loved to be inside his head.” She clinked her glass against Jill’s.