Going Under (20 page)

“Yes,” I replied, and hung up before we
exchanged goodbyes.

I tossed the phone aside and scratched my
head.

I was just fine a minute ago. Actually I was
ecstatic at the prospect of someone new. Someone who could make me
deliriously happy. I actually convinced myself for a second that I
deserved to be happy. I don’t know why. I’m not sure I’d done
anything to earn it, and Gretchen reminded me with the mention of
Finn’s name. Now the memories came flooding back. Our secret
trysts. Beth’s obliviousness. Her rape. I could not escape it. Why
didn’t I just go to that party with her?

My biggest fear lay in the possibility that
I would never be able to let go of my guilt, that it would twist
and turn me into something wretched. Mom always taught me to never
find my happiness or self-worth in another individual, and I tried
hard to adhere to that advice, but I couldn’t deny how I felt when
I was around Ryan. He was a savior to me. When I was with him, all
of the hurt and guilt vanished. I thought he had the ability to put
my brokenness back together. Maybe that wasn’t progressive. Maybe
that wasn’t all “liberated woman,” but I didn’t give a shit. I
wanted to spend my every waking moment with him because when I was
with him, I felt safe.

But the warrior in me who was resolute in
her commitment to Beth kept warring with the girl in me who wanted
to hide behind Ryan. I recognized that both girls couldn’t win out
in the end. Still, while I didn’t know how I’d make it work, I was
determined to have both. To
be
both. I was greedy and
selfish, and in my petulant state I thought that Beth would just
have to get the hell over it.

***

“You’re out,” Terry said after work. I was
hanging around while he cleaned the grills because he told me he
had news.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Out. Off the list. Cut.”

I knew there was a huge problem with my
psyche that I was actually mad about it.
Mad
about it.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t know. But I wouldn’t take it
personally,” Terry replied. “I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with
the way you look.”

I scowled at him, and he grimaced.

“Yikes. Keep making faces like that and
maybe it
does
have something to do with your looks.”

I punched his arm.

“Ow!”

“Is Cal scheduled to play yet?” I asked.

“No.”

“Well, maybe that’s why,” I said, mostly to
myself.

“What are you talking about?” Terry
asked.

“I think he likes me,” I said. “Maybe he
didn’t want me to be chosen for someone else’s team after all.
Maybe in the beginning he didn’t care. And now? Well, it’s obvious
he does.”

Terry eyed me sternly. “You better be
careful.”

“I’m being careful,” I said, pulling my tip
money out of my apron and organizing the bills.

“Figured out what you’re gonna do with all
this information I’m giving you?” Terry asked.

“Yes. I plan on talking to some of these
girls,” I said.

“And what makes you think they’ll tell you
anything?” Terry asked.

“Well, I don’t know that they will. But I
have to try,” I said.

The truth was that I didn’t know what the
hell I was doing. I thought part of my meddling was clearly due to
pure fascination with the whole Fantasy Slut League. How could this
be going on and no one know about it? It made no sense. And how did
these boys know how to rate the girls? Someone was feeding them
information, and that someone had to be a girl. It’s not as though
girls are going to admit their level of sexual activity to another
guy. But they would talk with another girl about it. Who was this
girl? And why would she participate in something so licentious?

“You gonna give me some of that tip money as
payment?” Terry asked.

I looked at him shocked. And then it turned
to embarrassment. I felt it on my cheeks, burning red like
Christmas tree lights.

“I’m just kidding, Wright! Jesus, calm
down,” he said.

“Do you want me to pay you?” I asked. I
hadn’t thought about it until now. I didn’t know if Terry did jobs
for other people, but I’m sure if he did, he got paid for them.

“You’re a waitress, Wright,” Terry said. “So
no.”

I rolled my eyes.

“And anyway, it wouldn’t feel right taking
money from you,” he said. “Not over this.”

I nodded. “Hey, did you bring the Game 1
printout for me?”

Terry reached into his back pocket and
pulled out a folded sheet of paper. “What are you planning to do
with this?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it
out.”

That night I sat on my bed cross-referencing
names of girls with their pictures in last year’s yearbook. I found
two girls I immediately wanted to talk to. They both scored points
for going all the way, and they were labeled “Good Girls.” I
basically wanted to find out if the sex was consensual. It wouldn’t
eliminate Hunter and Tim completely as possible rape suspects, but
I thought it was a start. I’d have to get Terry to dig around and
find older games to be sure.

Melissa and Tara. They were both juniors
this year. It would be difficult to find a reason to talk to them,
and even then, I couldn’t come right out and ask if they’d had
consensual sex with Hunter and Tim. I had to find a way to extract
the information gingerly, and I wasn’t the best at being ginger. I
thought I failed miserably with Lucy and simply got lucky that she
offered information, however vague, about cheerleading and Cal.

God must have been smiling on me the
following day at school because I spotted Melissa walking down the
hallway towards me. I had no plan. I tried to devise one the
previous night but could think of nothing. The closer she came, the
more I freaked out until I made a split-second decision and started
running, slamming into her in a head-on collision. It didn’t help
that she was wearing heels, and she toppled backwards, landing on
the floor with a loud
thunk
before I could grab her. Her
head hit the hard tiles and she moaned. God, I actually hurt her.
Badly. I scrambled to help her up.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” And it wasn’t a
fake apology. I meant it. “Let me help you.”

“I’m dizzy,” she mumbled, reaching vainly
for her book bag a few feet away.

“I’ll totally get your stuff. Just let me
help you up. I think I need to take you to the nurse,” I said.

She nodded dumbly and allowed me to pull her
into a sitting position. She rubbed the back of her head and looked
at me strangely.

“I’m dizzy,” she repeated, as though she
were saying it for the first time.

Oh my God. If I gave this girl a concussion,
I’d never forgive myself. I pulled her to her feet and let her lean
on me as we made our way to the nurse.

The nurse forced me to wait outside for
Melissa, which really pissed me off. I actually wanted to sit with
her and hold her hand because I felt so horrible.

I had no idea how long I sat in the hallway
before Melissa emerged looking better, if noticeably bruised. I
couldn’t see the actual bruise on her head but it was in her
mannerisms. She still wasn’t quite right. She seemed sedated,
slightly out of focus, and when I apologized to her again, she
looked at me as if wondering,
Who are you?

“Melissa, I owe you big time. Lemme do
something for you to make it up to you. I feel horrible for running
into you,” I said.

“How do you know my name?” she asked,
walking with me down the hallway.

“Uh . . . doesn’t everyone?” I asked. “I
mean, aren’t you a cheerleader?”

“No.”

Shit. That must have been Tara.

“Well, I heard it somewhere,” I said.

She didn’t seem to like that.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I’m Brooke,” I said. “Listen, I was just so
spaced out. My mind has been going crazy lately, and I wasn’t
paying attention to where I was going.”

“It’s okay,” Melissa said.

“Well, I feel awful,” I went on. “I’m just
in this weird place right now, you know? I’ve got this guy I really
like, but he’s putting pressure on me to do it, you know? I mean,
not like you care or anything, but I’ve got no girlfriends to talk
to about it. I’m new here, by the way, which would account for the
no girlfriends thing.”

I heard myself talking, like I had stepped
outside my body and was watching the scene as an interested third
party.

“You don’t want any advice from me right
now,” Melissa said. “I don’t think I’m all there yet.”

I grunted. “Again, sorry. I don’t know why
I’m running my mouth to you. You’re a complete stranger. I guess
I’m just dying for some female advice. I mean, I’m really freaking
out.”

It was lame, but I was praying it’d
work.

“Well, you shouldn’t have sex until you’re
ready. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it,” Melissa said,
rubbing the back of her head.

I eyed her carefully. “So you’ve never been
pressured or anything?”

“Truthfully? I’ve only had sex once. And I
did it because I wanted to get it over and done with, and the guy
seemed more than willing. Maybe not the best way to lose my
virginity, but he didn’t pressure me or anything. It was my
decision.” She laughed, then grimaced. “Actually, I think he was
shocked when I told him I wanted to.”

Yeah, he wasn’t expecting such a killer
score.

I studied Melissa’s face. There was no hint
of buried secrets. She didn’t appear scared or hurt. I believed
her, and once I made that decision, I knew in my bones it was
right.

We chatted pleasantly all the way to her
car.

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive home?” I
asked.

“The nurse gave me permission, so if
anything happens, it’s on her, not you,” she said, grinning.

Thank God.

I waved as she pulled away, thinking that
Hunter might be cleared.

***

I knew the risk I was taking by talking to
Ryan at school. I knew I could lose Cal forever and never see my
plan materialize, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I simply
couldn’t stay away from Ryan. My body couldn’t. My mind couldn’t.
He wanted me, that much was evident, but it was the way he slowed
me down, the way he forced me to take a breath that hooked me. He
didn’t want to rush into anything, a concept foreign to me. I never
had that with Finn. We had sex almost immediately when we started
sneaking around. That was really the whole point of our sneaking
around. I realized I didn’t want to jump into sex with Ryan. I
thought initially I did because of my over-the-top physical
attraction, but I found it was a whole lot sexier to wait. And to
burn with it.

I sidled over to Ryan’s desk Friday.

“Why haven’t you said ‘hello’ all week?” I
asked, pouting.

He grinned. “I thought I’d play hard to
get.”

“So all those secret smiles and flirty winks
were just a game?” I asked.

“I gave you flirty winks?”

“A ton,” I replied.

He licked his lips. “It wasn’t a game. And I
was going to cave today anyway. You beat me to the punch,
though.”

“Well, lucky for you I didn’t lose
interest,” I teased.

“Hmm. I’m not too worried about that. I have
a Playstation and you don’t. Sooner or later, you’d be crawling
over to my house begging to play.”

I burst out laughing. “You are soooo
cocky.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not cocky. I
just know you, Brooke. And you know me, too. It’s inevitable.”

“What’s inevitable?” I asked, blushing.

He answered with a smile.

“That’s all I get?” I asked.

Ryan sighed. “I wish we didn’t have assigned
seats.”

“You’re impossible,” I huffed, and walked to
my desk.

I glanced at Cal, who stared at me. I guess
he watched the entire exchange. He looked confused and rejected. It
was almost comical, like he simply couldn’t understand how a girl
would choose another guy over him. I was playing a dangerous game,
and I prayed I’d come out the winner.

I smiled at Cal then took my seat. I heard a
rustling behind me, and before I knew it, Cal was at my desk.

“You busy tonight?” he asked.

“I’m working,” I replied.

“What about tomorrow night?”

“Um . . .”

“I thought I could take you bowling,” Cal
said.

“Bowling?”

“What? Not fun? We could do something else,”
he offered.

I glanced at Ryan. He was busy pulling books
out of his bag.

“Why are you talking to him?” Cal whispered.
“I thought I told you to stay away from him.”

Whoa. Alarm bells. Increased heart rate.
Mild panic.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Cal said
quickly. “It’s just, that guy’s no good, Brooke. I know you’re
friendly and everything. You’re a sweet girl, but that can also
make you naïve.”

Fuck you.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Cal said,
shaking his head. He was frustrated, knowing he was saying all the
wrong things. “I meant that I would feel awful if anything happened
to you.”

Would you?

“I’m not trying to tell you how to live your
life. You can be friends with whoever you want, but I’m just
saying. Some people will only drag you down.”

Lucy sat in the desk beside me, listening to
Cal’s words, and I wondered what she was thinking. I thought about
her words:
“Stay away from him.”
What would she think of me
if I agreed to go on a date with him? Would that be the last straw?
She’d either stop being friendly altogether or confess to me what
he’d done to her as a warning. I took a chance developing pringles.

“I guess we could go bowling,” I said.

Cal looked surprised. “Really?”

I nodded. I was afraid Ryan might hear, but
the classroom was pretty rowdy, so I doubted it.

“Pick you up tomorrow night at seven?” he
asked.