Golem in the Gears (6 page)

"What makes you think I would mess up your precious

Quest?"

"You're a woman!" Grundy reminded her. "Of course

you'd mess it up!"

She looked as if she wanted to argue, but thought the

better of it. "Well, suppose we tag along a little way, and if we mess anything up, then we'll leave you alone?"

Grudgingly, Grundy agreed. Bink and Chester, both married to women, had maintained a remarkable silence.

They resumed their trek, with EmJay and Ass falling

in behind. They made respectable progress for a couple of hours—until they encountered another woman.

This one was young and sultry. "Well, now!" she breathed. "What have we here?"

"We don't need another woman!" Grundy snapped.

"I am not exactly a woman," the new one murmured.

"You sure look like a woman! What are you, then—a monster?"

"In my fashion," she agreed. "I am a succubus, on the prowl for business."

"Uh-oh," Chester said.

"We aren't your business," Bink said firmly.

"Are you sure?" she asked archly. She shimmered, and suddenly she looked exactly like Bink's wife Chameleon, in her prettiest phase.

"We're sure," Chester said.

The succubus shimmered again, and there stood Ches- ter's mate, Cherie, in her most fetching pose. "I do a lot of business with married males," she said.

"Not with these ones," Grundy said. "Go away, you

slut."

"Maybe I'll just tag along a while," the succubus said. "In case someone changes his mind."

She was magical; they couldn't do anything about her. But Grundy had another irritation. The succubus had tried to tempt both Bink and Chester, but hadn't even bothered with Grundy himself. That showed how he rated. Of course he would have told her to go away—but he felt insulted that she hadn't tried. Not even .the most corrupt creature thought him worth noticing.

"Succubus," EmJay murmured, making a note.

Chester nudged Bink. "We're okay for now—but what about when we sleep? That's when a creature like that gets you."

"There won't be any problem," Bink said.

No problem? There would be an awful row when the wives heard about it, Grundy knew.

But as dawn loomed, and they set about making camp for the day, the solution to the problem of the succubus appeared. "Oh, I can't face the light!" she exclaimed, and hurried away.

The fact that they were now sleeping by day gave them security from this threat. Had Bink known, or was it just a lucky break?

Chapter 3. Con-Pewter

In the evening the succubus was gone, but EmJay and her Ass remained. Grundy muttered something about half a loaf being better than none, and mounted Snortimer. Maybe if they moved along rapidly, they'd leave the Lex- icographers behind.

The path wended its idle way along, teasing them, now north, now east. They paused in alarm as a huge shape passed overhead, but it was no dragon, only a big house fly. The thing had disproportionately small wings, and an unstreamlined roof, so that its flight was erratic; it seemed about to crash at any moment, but somehow it humbled on. They paused to pluck some succulent fruit to eat, until EmJay's Ass brayed.

"What're you talking about, you asinine creature?" Grundy asked it.

"Well, if you want to eat passion fruit..." the Ass replied in bray-talk.

"Passion fruit?" Grundy asked, dismayed.

"Sure," the Ass brayed. "We Lexed that yesterday. That's why the succubus hangs out here. Once a man chomps into that fruit—"

They decided to pass the fruit by. Grundy heard a muffled curse from the side, and realized that the suc- cubus had been watching from hiding. He was tempted to make an obscene gesture in her direction, but knew she'd take it as a compliment.

They found some innocent breadfruits and a fresh bab- bling brook further along, so were able to eat and drink safely. The brook talked incessantly, of course, but that was the nature of its kind. Actually, it had quite a bit of gossip to babble, about the nefarious doings of the local creatures, that Grundy found interesting.

Then, abruptly, the brook went silent. Grundy looked at it in surprise. "What's the matter, wetback?"

"The—the giant!" the brook babbled briefly, then froze up. A thin film of ice formed on its surface. It was stiff with fright.

Grundy looked around. "Giant? I don't see any giant."

Bink and Chester and the Ass all peered about. Nothing was visible. "That brook's got water on the brain," the centaur muttered. "There's no giant around here!"

Then they heard a distant crash, as of a boulder smash- ing through brush, and felt the ground shudder. Stray fruits and nuts were jostled from trees. After a pause, there was another crash, slightly louder, with more insis- tent shuddering.

'That's either a remarkable coincidence—two boul- ders falling out of nowhere—" Bink began.

There was a third crash and shudder, louder yet. "Or the footfalls of a giant," Chester finished. Another crash. "And the brook saw it first, because it flows in that direction," Grundy added.

"It's coming this way," EmJay said, alarmed. Chester shaded his eyes with his hand, peering in that direction. "I may be getting older, but my eyesight shouldn't be that bad. I don't see any giant."

They all looked. The crashing footfalls continued, get- ting closer, but none of them could see any giant. "This is crazy," Grundy said. "There's got to be something

there!"

Then, on a hill visible some distance away, they saw

the brush and small trees crunch down as if pressed by an invisible foot. The sound came again.

"Do you know," Bink said, "I remember long ago, when Magician Trent and I fought the wiggles, and Ches- ter's uncle Herman gave his life—"

"Uncle Herman!" Chester exclaimed respectfully. "The creatures came from all around," Bink continued. "Large and small, natural friends and natural enemies, all

united in that effort of extermination—"

"It happened again," Grundy said, "when little Ivy

spied another wiggle nest five years ago."

"And one of the creatures was an invisible giant—a big, big man. We couldn't see him at all, but we could hear him and, ah, smell him. He was a hero too; he gave

his life—"

"Invisible giant!" EmJay said, making a note. Grundy caught on. "Could he have left an offspring?" "It seems likely. Most creatures do. Of course it would

have taken several decades for a creature to grow that large."

"And now it is several decades later," Chester said, as the approaching crashings almost drowned him out. "Are those giants friendly?"

"Does it matter?" Bink asked. "We can't see him, and he probably doesn't see us. But if he steps on us—"

Now they smelled the giant. The odor was appalling. "I guess no lake's big enough for him to take a bath in," Grundy said, wrinkling his nose.

"I don't know about you folk," the Ass brayed, "but I'm getting my tail out of here!" He galloped off.

"Wait for me, you coward!" EmJay cried, running after him.

There was yet another crash, closer yet. "Sounds like good advice!" Bink said.

"Pile on!" Chester said. "I can move faster than you can."

Bink jumped on the bed strapped to the centaur's back, and Grundy scrambled onto Snortimer. The centaur was already in motion. He galloped down the path in the oppo- site direction to that taken by EmJay and Ass, for which Grundy blessed him.

But the terrible footfalls continued to come closer. It seemed that the invisible giant was going the same way they were! Maybe the centaur hadn't been so smart after all. Being free of pesky company wouldn't be all that satisfying, if they got squished flat under the heedless foot of the giant.

Chester put on more speed as he encountered a straightaway, and for a while seemed to be drawing ahead. Then the path curved again, and he had to slow to make the turns, and the giant's feet crashed closer. Yet Grundy saw that they couldn't take off to the side, because the

jungle here was impenetrable; they could be squished by the edge of a foot before they got far enough away.

Then Grundy spied a cave. "Look there!" he yelled in Chester's ear. "Maybe he won't step on a mountain!"

Chester saw the cave and veered to enter it. As he did, the trees immediately behind them bent down and snapped like twigs, and the ground shook with force like that of a quake. For an instant the centaur's hooves left the ground;

then he landed and charged at full velocity into the cave.

There was light inside. Perceiving that, Snortimer made a desperate leap to the safety of the shadow under the bed on the centaur's back. Grundy had to let go and catch hold of Chester's human torso. The light was not nec- essarily a good sign, because that suggested that it was inhabited, and creatures like ogres and dragons were par- tial to caves. But the ground quaked again, and rocks plunged down from the ceiling; a stalactite speared past Chester's nose. They weren't safe yet!

The cave tunnel led directly into the mountain, and it was wide and straight; Chester made excellent progress despite his burden. The crashing fell behind. They had gotten far enough inside to be out of range of the heedless giant; or perhaps the giant had simply passed by the moun- tain, proceeding to whatever mission moved him. Chester slowed to a trot, then a walk, and finally a standstill.

They were in a large, bright cave whose walls were smooth and polished. Before them stood a metallic box with a series of buttons at the front, and a pane of glass at the top.

GREETINGS, the pane of glass printed.

Bink and Grundy dismounted. "And greetings to you, you rusty box," Grundy said facetiously.

YOUR VOICE SOUNDS FAMILIAR, the screen printed.

WHAT IS YOUR IDENTITY?

"It communicates!" Grundy exclaimed, surprised. Usually the inanimate communicated only in the presence of King Dor, whose magic talent stimulated it. Grundy could talk to anything alive, but this was obviously not alive.

ANSWER THE QUESTION, the screen printed. "I'm Grundy Golem," Grundy snapped. "And who are you, printface?"

GRUNDY GOLEM, the screen printed. THE ONE WHO

STATED THAT AMALGAMATED PARADOX WAS BUYING OUT COM-PEWTER?

"Yeah, I guess so. What's it to you, metal-brain?"

THAT WAS A LIBEL. AS SUCH, IT IS ACTIONABLE.

"I don't like this," Chester murmured. "This thing is eerie."

"What are you talking about, glassy-eye?" Grundy demanded.

I AM COM-PEWTER. I WILL ACCEPT YOUR RETRACTION AND APOLOGY NOW.

"Apology!" Grundy exclaimed indignantly. "Why should I apologize to a grouchy metal box with a glass top for making up a nonsense sentence to distract the Bulls and Bears?"

BECAUSE YOU LIBELED ME, the screen printed. NO ONE

HAS BOUGHT ME OUT.

"Uh, Grundy," Bink murmured. "It might be better to—"

But the golem's dander was up. "You simple sheet! Shut your print before I break your face!" And he made as if to kick at the glass.

Print flowed very rapidly across the screen. GOLEM

LIFTS FOOT, SLIPS ON GREASE SPOT, LANDS ON POSTERIOR.

Grundy's non-kicking foot slipped on a grease spot,

and skidded out from under him, and he landed hard on his bottom. "Youch!" he exclaimed. "What happened?" i REVISED THE SCRIPT, the screen printed. Grundy climbed to his feet, rubbing his rear. The jolt of falling had cleared his head on one detail: he now remembered that he had said Con-Pewter, not Com- Pewter. So he had been talking about something else, and had not insulted this thing. But his ire had been aroused, and he was not about to tell it that. "I think you're a lying

hunk of metal!" he exclaimed.

OBNOXIOUS OOLEM SUFFERS TEMPORARY MOUTHFUL OF

SOAP, the screen printed.

Suddenly Grundy's mouth was full of foul-tasting sub- stance. "Hwash hth helth?" he spluttered, trying to spit

it out.

Bink had a flask of water; he held this carefully so that

Grundy could slurp from it and rinse out his mouth. The flask was about as tall as Grundy himself; the difference between his physical stature and that of normal human beings became more obvious at times like this.

Meanwhile, the screen blithely printed: rr is NOT HELL,

AS YOU SO QUAINTLY PUT IT, BUT SIMPLE JUSTICE.

"Simple justice!" Grundy exclaimed as he got his mouth

clear. "You metallic claptrap—"

"Ixnay," Bink murmured again. But again he was too

late; the machine had heard.

POUL-MOUTHED GOLEM TRIPS OVER OWN FLAT FEET AND

FALLS IN MUD PUDDLE, the screen printed.

And Grundy tripped and splatted into a puddle of mud that he was sure hadn't been there a moment before.

"That thing is changing reality!" Chester exclaimed.