Gracie (20 page)

‘Call the doctor,’ she heard the Sister say urgently. ‘There’s another one in here. Call the doctor right away, this one’s all wrong. I can see a foot, the baby’s the wrong way up and it’s coming out that way. Tell him it’s an emergency …’

By the time the next baby was painfully delivered with forceps Gracie was slipping into unconsciousness and haemorrhaging. She was unaware of being taken away from the maternity ward to the main part of the hospital and she was also unaware of the major operation that had saved her life – but it was an operation that also meant she would never have another baby.

It was nearly three days before Gracie recovered enough to fully understand that she had given birth to twins, a boy who had died in the womb some weeks before and a tiny girl who was alive but small and fragile, and being cared for in an incubator.

When she was finally told the full gravity of her experience Gracie had accepted it all calmly. She had expected to be punished for giving up her first-born and she had been.

There would be no more babies. Ever. The price for Joe had been paid.

‘Have you told Sean?’ Gracie asked Ruby when she visited with Jeanette. ‘He should know …’

‘We tried to find him because the hospital wanted to speak to him to get permission for your operation but we couldn’t. He’s left the Palace and the flat. No one knows where he is.’

‘Is he with Jennifer?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ruby turned sideways to Jeanette and looked at her. ‘Do you know? Have you heard anything?’

‘Not a dicky bird and neither have Mum and Dad.’ She looked at her sister. ‘If it’s any consolation they’re mortified at what she did to you and they blame her for Fay being born too early; Mum is going mad with anger and shame. She can’t believe that the good girl out of the three of us has turned out to be the devil incarnate.’

‘I just wondered if Sean knew I’d given birth …’ Gracie’s voice faded as she turned away and looked down the ward. ‘I remember being here last time but I was in that bed over there, tucked safely away in the corner in case I infected anyone with my immorality. It’s so strange to think back on that time and everything that’s happened since. It seems so long ago in one way but as if it was only yesterday in another …’

Ruby leaned over and gently squeezed her arm, to remind her not to say anything more in front of Jeanette. Ruby’s own place in the story had to remain a secret; not because of shame but because of her daughter Maggie, who had no idea that she wasn’t the natural daughter of Babs and George Wheaton. It was a secret they were all honour bound to keep until the day came when she would have to be told.

Gracie looked round and it was a few seconds before she realised what Ruby meant.

‘Sorry, I’m rambling, none of it matters now and at least this time I’m a respectable married woman – even if the husband has buggered off with the sister to God knows where and isn’t interested. So long as I’m called Mrs and have a ring on my finger I can be treated as a human being. Yippee, I’m not a fallen woman anymore!’

As Gracie laughed humourlessly so her eyes filled with tears. Ruby and Jeanette both leaned forward and touched her reassuringly but neither said anything.

The three of them sat in silence until the nurse came in and rang the handbell to let the visitors know it was time to leave.

‘Do you want me to keep on trying to find Sean?’ Ruby asked cautiously. ‘I know Johnnie could find him but I told him to hold off until I’d spoken to you.’

‘I don’t know. He should know but he had his chance … Oh I don’t know, maybe I have to just get on with it, get used to it; accept it’s just me and the baby.’

‘And me …’ Ruby said quickly. ‘I’ll always be here, and so will Jeanette and your Mum and Dad, eh Jeannie?’

‘We’ll all help you, Gracie, really we will’. Jeanette took her sister’s hand and squeezed it. ‘You’re not on your own like last time.’

Gracie forced a watery smile. Jeanette’s affectionate gesture meant so much to her at that moment.

‘Thanks. Who’d have thought it, eh? Gracie McCabe fucks it up again.’

‘Shhh,’ Jeanette grinned. ‘I thought you liked them thinking you were respectable?’

‘So, I wonder where we go from here?’ Jeanette asked Ruby as they walked out of the building. They wandered over to the nearby wall together and perched on the edge of it. Ruby pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her handbag and offered one to Jeanette.

The two young women were chalk and cheese visually. Ruby was tall and slender, with dark red hair hanging carelessly around her shoulders and casually dressed in slacks and blouse, while Jeanette was short and round, with a head of bleached platinum-blonde curls, scarlet lipstick and high heels.

‘I like your dress,’ Ruby said with a smile. ‘You’re looking very glamorous for a hospital visit …’

‘You never who you might meet. Think of all the handsome young doctors that must be wandering around these corridors. It’d be a shame to miss an opportunity like this; someone well-heeled and a bit brainy would make a nice change from the hard-up morons I usually meet!’

Ruby laughed. ‘Maybe you should become a nurse, you could take your pick then …’

Jeanette looked at her. ‘I never thought of that. Do you know, you might have given me an idea there. I hate my job; maybe it’s time for a radical change, time to be more responsible. You don’t think I’m too old, do you?’

‘Not a chance and it sounds interesting! Meanwhile, what do we do about Gracie? I don’t want her to think I’m organising her life for her but we have to set something in place.’

‘Yes, but what?’

‘Let me think about it while you go back in and ask for a leaflet about nursing.’

‘Shall I ask if there’s one on how to snare a doctor?’ Jeanette laughed.

‘You could try but I doubt there’ll be any left …’

‘Oh just look at her, she’s a little baby doll …’ Ruby said as she and Gracie stood side by side looking through the glass that separated the nursery from the corridor. ‘And she looks like you already, though she’s got Sean’s hair. Just look at it, a real mop for such a tiny scrap … What have the doctors said? She looks like she’s come on a treat.’

‘She has,’ Gracie said. ‘She should be able to go home soon, another week maybe. She’s done really well but they think she’ll probably always be fragile, and maybe even a bit slow at doing things.’

Gracie shook her head and gently touched the glass, moving her fingers back and forth as if she was waving to her daughter. Every time she looked at Fay she felt the same helplessness sweep over her.

‘They just don’t know what the future holds for her; she was stuck for so long. I mean, none of us knew she was even there, but at least she’s alive. Unlike her poor little brother. You know, I still can’t believe it. How could I have been walking around with a dead baby inside me and not known?’

‘It must be so hard for you. Even I feel muddled by it all,’ Ruby told her. ‘It’s so strange, I’m so happy for this little one who’s survived everything and is here with you but so heartbroken for the other one you lost. And for you, having to have that operation.’

Gracie turned to look at Ruby.

‘I’m never going to have another baby, Ruby. This is it for me. One adopted away, one dead and the other still struggling. What did I do to deserve this? It’s not fair. I’m not bad, not like some …’

‘You’re not bad at all, you’re just unlucky and you’re right, it’s not fair.’

‘Was it my fault? I was sure something would go wrong, something inside was telling me but no one listened. Not the doctor, not the midwife, they thought I was a nervous new mother and Sean thought I was just being an idle cow. Perhaps I was. Maybe that’s what caused it, me not doing the right things. Oh, I don’t know …’

Gracie’s voice quivered as she spoke. She was determined not to cry any more but every time she touched or even just looked at her baby she had an instant image in her head of the other one and she started all over again.

It had been the day after the birth and the operation when the full impact of what had happened had really hit her. With her emotions all over the place, Gracie had no idea how to separate out the joy and the grief overwhelming her. They were so entwined she couldn’t imagine how she would ever accept that there should have been two children. There was the joy of having a baby girl, tempered with worries over her health and the shock that she should have been a twin, that she had actually been carrying two babies. Gracie had tried listening to the nurses on the maternity ward, who told her that as she thought she was only having one baby, the loss of the twin she didn’t know she was expecting wasn’t so bad, but it didn’t work. She still grieved for the baby boy that had been stillborn. Added into the mix was the emptiness that she felt at the news that she would never be able to have another child. It had been so much for her to absorb that she had switched off.

But now the time had come when Gracie knew she must come to terms with it all if she was to be able to look after the baby that she still had, the one she had yearned for, for so long.

‘It wasn’t your fault, you know it wasn’t,’ Ruby said quietly as they both looked back at the baby in the crib. ‘No one realised that you were carrying twins, and the little boy died several weeks ago, according to the doctors.’

Gracie sighed but didn’t respond.

‘It’s no wonder you felt so ill, though,’ Ruby continued, ‘but considering what happened you’re so lucky to have this little one. She’ll be okay and we’ll all look after her. Aunty Babs can’t wait to get her hands on her and Maggie wants to meet her.’

‘I know I’m lucky, I do know that – I just don’t feel it at the minute …’

‘Have you thought of a name for the other one? He was born and he was Fay’s brother, you may want to tell her about him one day?’

‘I’ve decided to call him Phillip. Phillip and Fay, they’re the boy and girl names Sean and I chose for either eventuality, not knowing we were going to have one of each …’ Gracie’s voice wobbled as she said the names out loud.

‘Once you’re feeling better we’ll go up to the church and have a mass said for him. The mass card will be something to remember him by.’

‘Oh hell, Ruby! I’m so scared of taking her home and looking after her; I can’t even imagine being alone with her …’ Gracie started to cry again. ‘How could this happen? Why me? All I ever wanted was a husband, a baby, a home and now it’s all gone up the Suwannee. Whoosh! Gone on the back of my stupid lie.’

‘It’s not your fault your sister turned out to be such a cow and who’d have thought Sean would be another stupid weak bastard? Honestly, if I had a gun I’d shoot him right now, right between the legs.’ As Ruby said it she took imaginary aim and fired. ‘POW, POW! Now that might make him realise what a disgrace he is.’

Gracie managed a weak smile. They had been such good friends for so long she couldn’t imagine what it would be like at that moment without Ruby supporting her.

‘I might have a solution to some of it, you know …’ Ruby continued. ‘I’ve been talking with Uncle George, you know he does all the finances, and you know we’re buying the ramshackle house next door? I mean, it was going for a song, so it would have been daft not to. We’re going to have it as part of the hotel eventually, but in the meantime we’re doing it up and Johnnie and I plan to live in the basement flat there when the furore over Sadie has died down. It’s going to be a real classy gaff for us!’

‘That sounds like a good plan …’ Gracie said. She tried her best to look pleased but she couldn’t help feeling a little tinge of envy at Ruby sailing high while she herself was at rock bottom.

‘Yes, but that means you and Fay could have the Thamesview flat all to yourselves. Permanently. Or maybe even the basement there, if we have a rearrange. Jeanette is welcome to share with you but she’ll have to pay some rent and you can work in the hotel, like you’ve always done …’

Gracie thought for a moment before responding.

‘But I’ll have a baby and anyway, I’m not your responsibility, I have to stand on my own two feet. Though having my old job back would be a help. Maybe Mum could look after Fay …’

‘We’ll manage all that. We’ve managed all the other rubbish life has chucked at us, haven’t we? Meanwhile we’ll all have to cram into the flat together for a bit longer and try not to drive each other nuts, or you can go and convalesce with Babs and George in Melton. They’ve offered …’

Again, Gracie forced a smile.

‘That’s nice of them but …’

‘You don’t have to make up your mind now, think about it,’ Ruby said, in a kindly tone.

‘I don’t think Jeanette will want to stay at the hotel. She’s done far more for me than I would ever have expected from her but she’d never survive stuck with me and a baby,’ Gracie told her friend. ‘She’s a party girl at heart; she wants to be out and about with a different man on her arm every night of the week …’

Ruby laughed. ‘Did you know that this party girl is applying to train as a nurse? Oh yes, she’s full of surprises, is your sister. Well, they both are – but Jeanette in a good way!’

‘A nurse?’ Gracie laughed for the first time in so many weeks. ‘Well, I never did! I wonder what Mum and Dad would say about that?’

‘Why don’t you ask us?’ the voice behind her said, making her physically jump. Gracie spun round to see both her parents standing behind her. Her father was smiling but her mother was looking down at her feet.

‘What are you doing here?’ she said to them, then quickly followed it up with, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I know why you’re here.’

For the first time, Gracie found herself feeling sorry for her mother. Dot McCabe stood beside her husband but her head was bowed. Gracie thought she looked as if she had aged ten years since discovering that the daughter she had favoured over the other two had been the one who had done the worst thing imaginable: broken up a marriage, her own pregnant sister’s marriage, and then gone off with her sister’s husband.

‘Look,’ Gracie said, pointing at the window. ‘Second from the left, that’s Fay, your granddaughter. I’m hoping I’ll be able to take her home soon.’