Graham Ran Over A Reindeer (9 page)

Chapter Eleven

Two days later…

Rudy heard his mother come into his bedroom, her soft footfalls and the steady thump of her heart comforting. He felt the mattress dip next to him, and her heat soaked through the blankets shielding him from the rest of the world. She didn’t say anything for a long while and he wanted to seek her out, but he couldn’t find the strength to move. He sniffled, his sinuses clogged with unshed tears.

A gentle pressure stroked his back. “I’m sorry, baby.”

He managed to push the blanket off his face and met his mother’s kind, blue eyes. Her hand went through his hair, the touch desperately needed. “I don’t know how to deal with this.”

“Whether human or Elementir, first love is always the hardest,” she said, scooting a little closer. “Did you bond?”

Bond.
It hurt to hear that word. He had wanted so badly to bond his heart with Graham. On some level he had convinced himself they would live a happy and long life together, frolicking under the moonlight and building snowmen by day. Maybe a kid or two would be involved… “I don’t know. But I have no will to get out of bed or do anything. I just want to lay here and wither. If that is what it means to be bonded, then yeah, probably?”

Her chest rose as she took a deep breath then slowly let it out. She didn’t say anything further, but her presence soothed him.

“I should have waited,” he lamented, staring at the fat snowflakes floating outside his window. “I knew he was overwhelmed by everything, but I got ahead of myself. I screwed up.”

“Maybe he still needs time,” Mom said gently. “It took me a while to accept your father was different.”

Rudy regarded her. “You guys always talk about how you met and stuff, but you never mentioned anything about making the transition. I always got the impression that one day you were human and the next Elementir.”

“It is a strange thing that so many people seek immortality, but when the possibility is presented to them, they come to fear it. It took me three years to decide a life with your father was what I wanted.”

Smiling, Rudy teased, “You sound like Grandfather now.”

“I learn from the best.” She winked then patted his shoulder through the blanket. “You will survive, baby. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but one day you might meet a shifter and he will turn out to be the one.”

Rudy made a sound of acknowledgement, but he didn’t know how he’d ever get over Graham. She pressed a kiss to his forehead then left, the sound of the door closing rattling his bones. He tried to look on the bright side, but he felt like he were locked in the deep throes of a frigid winter, his insides frozen stiff. The tears came slowly, and they slid down his temple to soak the sheet. He had come to realize he had returned to Alaska because of Graham. Having mastered his nature, he hoped he could finally make his move… he’d molded his life around the possibility of Graham. He lay in bed for a good hour, watching the snowflakes drift lazily down toward the ground. Slowly, the sky started to darken and he found the strength to sit up. He leaned over and rested his weight against his knees—he felt like a rogue snowflake, adrift in a too big world, completely alone. He rubbed at the ache in his chest.

A knock at the door pulled him back to reality and he granted permission to enter. Grandfather stepped in, his face kind. He was holding a small basket covered with a cloth and Rudy scented fresh baked bread and sweet jam. He’d not eaten all day, nor yesterday and though he was physically hungry, he couldn’t summon the will to do the work to fill his belly.

“How do you do it?” Rudy asked. “Be away from Grandmother for so long? I can hardly go two days without Graham and I’m ready to break in half.”

The man sat down next to him, his hair loose around his face. He set the basket on the bedside table then patted his chest. “I miss her every day, but we are still with each other. The bond connects more than body and heart, but spirit. We are never alone. Still, I cannot wait for summer when we see each other again.”

A faint smile forced its way onto Rudy’s lips. When Grandmother was in town, Grandfather became a giddy, adolescent boy, constantly doting over her. He had quickly learned that it was best to ask Grandfather for things during this time, because he was likely to give in. Because Grandmother had been born into another herd, she spent half of the year with her family and the rest with Grandfather. Rudy desperately wanted that kind of happiness.

“Grandfather… can I visit Grandmother? Maybe stay there until its time for her to come back here?” he asked, his throat suddenly feeling parched. “I don’t know. Maybe getting away from all this might help clear my head.”

The man nodded. “I was going to suggest this.”

Slumping his shoulders, Rudy glanced at the window. He longed to be as close to Graham as possible, but it would only make things worse. He respected the man’s decision, but Rudy’s heart was shredded and he figured putting a lot of distance between them might help him heal.

He just prayed he was strong enough to not go begging at Graham’s feet for another chance.

****

“Graham! Jesus, you’re too young to be losing your hearing,” Sue said as she propped her hands on her hips.

He offered her a sheepish smile. “Sorry. What did you need?”

“I was hoping you might lug the dog food in from the truck,” she said, watching him closely, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “But I’m wondering if I should make you an appointment with the ear doctor.”

“I’m on it.” Graham headed out to her car, not wanting to get into a conversation with her regarding his mood and the cause of it. He nearly went flying, the remnants of the ice storm lingering despite the unseasonably mild air that had followed behind. Cursing, he caught his balance and watched where he was walking. He hefted the giant bag of dog chow over his shoulder and lugged it back into the house.

“Thank you,” she said. After a long moment of biting her lip, she finally asked, “Graham, is everything okay?”

Sighing, he looked away. He didn’t want to do this with her. For that matter, why was he even here where people were likely to notice his case of the holiday blues?
I don’t want to be alone.
Right. Spending the past two days cooped up in his cold, quiet apartment left him in a miserable state complete with several tears. He wanted Rudy back. But he couldn’t see a future for them and it hurt so much, his chest ached. At least spending some time with his sister and the kids provided a distraction from that pain. Then again, they were a reminder of what he could have with Rudy if he could accept watching them grow old and die.

“Does it have anything to do with Rudy Snowden?” she asked.

He huffed, but didn’t respond, hoping she might go away if he buried his head in the snow. No luck. Sue sighed and took a seat on the armrest of the couch. Her expression was entirely serious, and he knew he wasn’t getting out of this no matter how hard he tried.

“It is pretty obvious, you know.” When Graham snapped his attention to her, she went on. “You’re not going to try and deny it, are you? Everyone is aware you’ve had a thing for him since high school. I’m just surprised it took this long to finally progress.”

Graham grumbled, hating that it were so obvious. “It doesn’t matter.”

“If it didn’t you wouldn’t look like a melting snowman in the middle of spring right now,” she teased. “Graham, you can talk to me. I know it must be hard living in the middle of nowhere with few people that share your interests.”

Watching a cobweb blowing in a draft, he tried to arrange the words in his mind. He couldn’t tell her the truth about the Snowdens and the real reason he had to break it off with Rudy. Eying her carefully, he managed, “I feel like we don’t have a future together.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “Different people. That kind of thing.”

She nodded slowly, as if taking the time to absorb his excuse. “Could have fooled me. I’d never seen you so happy before and you guys seemed to have really clicked. Are you sure that’s the only reason? Do you know how many atrocities in this world came to be through miscommunication?”

He wanted to tell her he couldn’t be with Rudy because he was chicken shit and didn’t want to watch his family die around him while he remained young and healthy. Besides, they would start to notice when he didn’t age—how was he supposed to explain to them that he wasn’t human anymore? He had considered staying with Rudy while human, but he didn’t want to put the man through watching
him
die. They were in a lose-lose situation and it sucked.

“Well. I guess you won’t have to worry about the guy much longer then. I stopped by the Snowden house to drop off a cranberry loaf, and Rudy was loading up his truck with luggage. Either he’s sick of this weather or he’s moving on. In any case, if you need to talk, I’m here.”

“What do you mean? Where is he going?” Graham barked as she got to her feet.

Her grin was victorious. “What does it matter?”

“Tell me,” he demanded.

Shrugging, she said nonchalantly, “Doc Snowden told me Rudy was going to visit his Grandmother in Canada for a while.”

“But that’s what—” Graham couldn’t finish. The last time Doc Snowden said the guy was going to visit his grandmother, Rudy had left without a goodbye and disappeared for years.
This isn’t happening again.

She offered him another shrug and headed for the kitchen. “I’m making spaghetti tonight if you want to stay for dinner.”

He gaped, unable to think. Was Rudy leaving again? Graham knew he’d broken the man’s heart by refusing his gift and breaking up with him, but he didn’t think Rudy would just leave… but why shouldn’t he? He could do whatever he wanted. Still, the idea of not seeing Rudy’s perpetually cheerful face, or listening to him as he talked about growing the best Christmas trees, was unbearable.

Let him go. Maybe he will find happiness with someone like him.
Graham tried to reason that Rudy leaving might be the best thing for both of them, but his heart refused to accept it. He could admit he was in love with the man, but love didn’t fix the kind of problems they had. Bursting out of the house, Graham kicked at a pile of ice-hardened snow, failing to make a dent in it. He didn’t want Rudy to leave again. He plopped his ass on the mound of snow and ran his hands through his hair. That ache returned with a vengeance and he rubbed his chest.

The sound of crunching snow caught his attention and he spotted a truck pulling into the driveway—Rudy’s truck. Either that or he was desperate enough that his mind was twisting images. The engine cut off and Rudy stepped out, his face drawn tight and his eyes were rimmed in red as if he’d been crying. Graham looked around to the bed of the truck, and spotted a tarp over bulky items.

“Hey,” he said, his voice hoarse. He took a deep breath, held it for a moment then let it out in a rush. “I just wanted to let you know I’m going away for a while… a long while probably. I didn’t want to do what I did last time and not say goodbye so… I’ll see you around.”

Graham was unable to speak, the reality slamming into him with the force of a Mack truck. Rudy hoovered for a moment as if he hoped Graham might ask him to stay. Fuck, he did want the man to stay, but he wasn’t going to be a selfish prick. He cleared his throat. “I appreciate that. When are you leaving?”

“Soon,” he said simply. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

He nodded and the man returned to his pick-up. Rudy was gone in an instant and Graham just sat on the cold, hard pillar of snow, praying his best friend might come back. As the sun sank to the west and the night closed in, the temperature started to drop. Still, he couldn’t move.

“Graham? Jesus, you’re still here. Come inside before you get sick. Dinner is almost ready,” his sister said from the doorjamb.

“Be there in a few,” he called back. He pushed back the chills of being outside for what seemed like hours.
Soon,
Rudy had said. He could have said tomorrow, or a few days, but soon… did that imply today? Graham was aware of the sound he made and it startled him.

Rising to his feet, he stretched, his body stiff. He was content to sit there and rot. Glancing in the direction of the Snowden house, he imagined the life they might have had. Days spent taking care of the caribou herd and Rudy teaching him how to tend to trees. The nights under the moonlight frolicking in the snow, Rudy guiding him in the ways of a shifter… them naked under the covers on a cold night, the room filled with their shared pleasure. So many years of happiness… maybe they’d have some kids, or adopt.

Headlights flashed in front of his mind followed by the blare of a horn. One night while driving back to Alaska, he’d nearly fallen asleep behind the wheel. Thankfully, he’d had the sense to pull over and get some shut-eye before his body was pulled from the wreckage.
What if I die tomorrow? What if the kids are mauled by a bear?
There was no guarantee he’d out live his family. Mom had died of cancer in her forties, Dad in his fifties. Hell, Sue, her husband and the kids could all die tomorrow and Rudy would still be gone, and Graham would be left alone to regret not taking the chance. Everyone died, only a few really lived and here he was, squandering the opportunity for real happiness.