Grasping at Eternity (The Kindrily) (28 page)

As I sit here writing this, you are three years old—so sweet, innocent, and new to the world. It breaks my heart to think of ever having to leave you. However, if one day, I’m forced to go against my will, then there are things you should know.

I plan to tell you this in person, but not until your eighteenth birthday. Logic tells me you should enjoy your childhood. I should let you develop your own beliefs and theories on love and how the world works. Yet a stronger intuition, some unknown force within me, KNOWS I can’t keep this from you. If it’s true…I get chills as I write the words…then it’s your divine right to know the truth.

My childhood best friend, Louise, just revealed something that has caused me to question life and wonder if things aren’t always as they seem. (Louise has an imagination that runs deeper than any ocean on this planet.) She swears there is a never-ending cycle to this world. That we return again and again in different bodies, but we remain the same souls. There have been many times when I felt like I’d been somewhere before or experienced something I knew I hadn’t (in this lifetime). Déjà vu is what many call it. Louise said it is memories from my past that haven’t been entirely erased. Part of me believes that theory.

It’s her erase-or-retain theory that I’m not sure I believe. She swears every soul is given a choice between lives. They can retain their memories and knowledge, or they can erase and start with a clean slate. Apparently there are a chosen few who get to decide the details of their return, so it makes it easier for them to retain. She swears YOU are one of those gifted souls. She called you an Element and said you are a part of her kindrily…an eternal family. She lost count of which number lifetime this is for you, but swears she’s been a part of every one.

She said almost every normal human chooses erasure because they have no guarantees their new life will be better or worse than their former. The memories and emotional baggage are too much for most souls to endure. In their new life, they might never see anyone they previously knew or loved, but would still carry a torch for them. Furthermore, if they did return quickly enough to live in the same time span of the people they left behind, odds are those people wouldn’t believe in a reincarnated version of their lost loved one. The rejection would cause so much heartache that the retainer would never make that choice again.

The whole thing sounds ridiculous, but as long as I have known Louise (over twenty years) she has never lied to me. So how can I doubt her now when she comes to me so passionately to discuss one of the most precious topics in the world to me? My daughter…her goddaughter. Louise claims you chose your father and me as your parents so that you could be close to her and her family. She also claims her son, Nathaniel, is your soul mate.

When she first told me this information yesterday, Nathaniel stared at me with wide, green, curious eyes. He’s a toddler! I’m supposed to believe that he loves you and has loved you for centuries?

I thought Louise had lost her mind. I’m still worried about her as I write this. I can’t bring myself to tell your father in fear that he’ll make me reassign your guardianship. Even as I sit here, worrying Louise has gone insane, my intuition tells me that she IS the right choice as your godmother.

If it is true
 

I’m rambling. I’m not even sure what the purpose of this letter is or how to finish it. I pray the day will never come when you have to read this. I pray I’ll live to see your seventieth birthday. Yet somehow I feel better that I wrote it all down even if no one ever reads it or knows of Louise’s bizarre theory, I feel better knowing it has been written.

If by some awful twist of fate, you do someday read this, keep this thought in your heart…I love you more than words can express. I will always love you and I will do whatever is within my power to protect you. I might make mistakes along the way, but I will always follow my heart. And if by some divine miracle, you did choose me as your mother, I want to thank you for the honor and privilege. I have truly been blessed to give birth to such an angelic soul.

With every fiber of my being, I love you,

 
Mom

I curled up in the backseat of my car, clutched the letter to my chest, and cried like a baby.

∞

It was almost ten o’clock and I was more awake than I’d ever been.

That kindrily word, the one I’d heard Anthony say in a dream, stared back at me in my mother’s handwriting. Why couldn’t she have told me all of this at any age prior to eighteen? Then I would’ve known Louise had issues and I would’ve stayed in Maryland. But Louise never acted crazy—not once in seven months of knowing her. The longer I thought about it, the more I wondered if Louise really told my mother this stuff, or if it was one of my mother’s lies.

The whiteboard next to the fridge caught my attention. For months I’d barely given the list of names and numbers a second glance, but now
Nathaniel
stood out like it was illuminated in flashing casino lights. I stared at his phone number and considered calling him, but what would I say?
Hello, Nathan. It’s Maryah. I found this letter from my dead mother and she said Louise thinks we’re soul mates. What do you think? Was my mom a chronic liar, or do we need to call the men with strappy white coats to take your mother away?

Yet, crazy as it was, I clenched the phone in my hand, wanting to call Nathan so badly my head hurt. I took a deep breath and dialed his number.

After four long rings it went to voicemail. I listened to his greeting and his voice sent a warm tickle through me. I closed my eyes, remembering the same surge when I hugged him the night he gave me my car. All too quickly there was a beep announcing my chance to leave a message. I hung up without saying a word.

Louise came home seconds later. I shoved my mother’s letter in my pocket.

“How has your birthday evening been?” she asked.

Act normal. “Fine.”

“Are you excited about Krista arriving on Saturday?”

“I wish she were here now.” More than ever.

Louise smiled.

I sat on a stool and folded my clasped fingers in my lap. I didn’t want to look nervous, but my hands were shaking. “Have you ever heard of a kindrily?”

Her eyes met mine and it felt like a year passed before she blinked. “Yes. A kindrily is similar to the concept of a family. Kindred spirits that remain connected through many lifetimes.”

Okay, so it was a known theory, but did Louise believe in it? My fingers were numb from the cut-off circulation. I tried to swallow and think of something to say, but I couldn’t.

“What brought that up?” Louise asked.

I played it cool. “I heard it on some television show and didn’t know what it meant.”

She looked shocked. “Really? What show?”

“Oh, um, I can’t remember.” My fingertips were turning purple, so I released my death grip before looking up again. “Do you believe in that stuff?”

She rubbed the back of her neck, her bracelets jingling almost as loud as my heartbeat. “Anything is possible.”

A non-judgmental, impartial answer. Louise stood strongly behind her beliefs. If she thought she and I were part of an eternal family, she would’ve said yes—plain and simple. But why would my mother want me to read her letter if she lied?

Faith! I could talk to her about this without looking mental. She believed in past lives. Her sister talks to the dead. What’s more unbelievable than that? I hopped down off my stool. “I forgot to call Faith back. Better call her before she goes to bed.”

“Okay.”

I bee-lined it to my bedroom.

Faith answered on the first ring. “Hello, Birthday Princess!”

“Hey. Is it too late for a sleepover at your place?”

“Don’t be silly! That’s a fabulous idea. Should we rent a movie? Do you want me to order pizza or Thai? We could—”

“Whatever. I’ll be over in a few. See you soon.”

I packed a bag and returned to the kitchen, but Louise was gone. I scribbled a note telling her I’d be spending the night at Faith’s.

I stared at Nathaniel’s name for eight heartbeats before leaving.

Nathaniel

I stood on the balcony of the cottage, staring out at the rocky shoreline. The moonlight reflected off the whitecaps of the crashing waves, making them appear iridescent. Regardless of how many hundreds of years I had roamed this planet, and how much I thought I understood about life, the beauty of our world still astounded me.

But so did the ugliness.

From inside the house, Sheila called out to me. “Nathaniel, your mobile was ringing.”

“No need to answer,” I shouted back.

The balcony door squeaked open and Sheila handed me my phone. “You should answer. The screen said ‘Home.’”

I cleared the missed call and shoved it in my pocket. “I’m sure Louise just wanted to tell me she arrived home safely.”

 
Louise and Anthony had spent days with me in Ireland and England, helping me find information about Dedrick’s disturbing plan. We would need all the help we could get, but I had no updates for them, and so far no one else had agreed to get involved.

“There must be someone powerful enough to counteract Dedrick. Perhaps someone can put a binding spell on him?” I spun around and faced Sheila. She was nearing one-hundred years old, but even with sagging skin, deep wrinkles, and most of her hair whitened, she looked radiant. I had never wished for a soul to be an Element so badly. It was unfair that someone as wretched as Dedrick had found a way to never age, yet an exquisite soul like Sheila grew more fragile with each passing day.

Her Irish accent wasn’t as strong as it used to be, but her tenderness remained constant. “Word is spreading far and wide. Every coven, old and new, is being notified, but Dedrick is practicing very dark magic. It would take a foolish witch or warlock to stand against him.”

“Even with the support of two kindrilies?”

“Elements are still human, Nathaniel. Alchemy is the manipulation and control of the powers of nature. Whether white or black magic, the witches who practice it will never believe that anything, or anyone, is stronger. Not even all the kindrilies united together.”

“But we are stronger. We could convince them if someone would step forward.”

“Yes. If only.” Using her cane, she lowered herself into a patio chair, still impressively nimble for her age and mentally sharp as well. I couldn’t imagine the day her mortal clock would stop ticking. Losing her would obliterate me and everyone else in our kindrily.

“Someone will come forward. I have to believe that. The alternative is…” I couldn’t think of a word severe enough to convey how tragic Dedrick’s plan would be if he succeeded.

A gust of salty sea air blew Sheila’s long hair into a tornado of white and gold. “How is our favorite girl? You don’t mention her much. Did you pay her a birthday visit?”

Stabbing pains rippled through my chest. I would never understand how a heart as broken as mine continued to beat. “No.”

Sheila let out a disappointed tsk. “You’ve visited her every year since you were wee babes.”

I’d visited Maryah on her birthday and Christmas every year like clockwork, but it had been for nothing. I pushed away the memory of River with his arm around her. I could only imagine the frivolous birthday gifts he gave her. Perhaps more jewelry, or something worse. “Not this year. Things are different. All trace of the soul we knew is gone forever.”

Sheila took each of my hands into hers. “If it were anyone but Mary, I wouldn’t have this unwavering faith in what seems like the impossible. But it is her. She proved there are exceptions to the system if you
will
it to be so. If anyone can recover from erasure, it’s her.”

Throughout all of my existence I could count the number of times I cried on one hand. I refused to let Sheila see me break down.

“How?” I pleaded through burning eyes. I wanted to feel the confidence Sheila possessed. But why were we fighting so hard to reverse the result of Maryah’s free will to choose? My voice cracked as I finally asked the most painful question out loud. “How could she erase
me?
”

“I don’t know,” Sheila whimpered. Her tears welled for both of us. “But there had to be a reason, a reason more important than any of us understands.”

We sat in silence, watching the waves crash below us. Sheila’s eyes drifted closed, and I thought she was sleeping until she asked, “Ye gave her the ring?”

“Louise did. Maryah hardly glances at it. She doesn’t see its power anymore.”

“Bah. I still say she and I should have a sit down. My kind isn’t a big secret like yours. She might believe a batty old psychic like me.” Sheila shook her cane. “I’ll show her my tarot cards, inject some history into that fresh mind of hers, and tug some memories loose. She needs a good shaking up, she does. That’s all.”

I smiled, seeing glimpses of the rambunctious child she had been ninety some years ago. She hadn’t lost the fiery spirit she inherited from her mother. “Right now, you’re needed here.”

“I’ll be visiting Amber once her babe arrives. That seems good a time as any.”

I nodded, appeasing her until then. Several weeks remained until Amber’s due date.

“So.” Sheila rested her chin in her hand. It was hours past her bedtime. “I suppose you’ll be on your way then, traveling around and sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong rather than spending time with me here on the island.”

I sat beside her and held her hand. Her skin felt like soft paper, another reminder of how fragile she had become. “I wish I could stay longer. Truly, I do. But Edgar found a new lead.”

She squeezed my hand, shaking it gently. “I’ll ring you if I hear anything from the covens or other psychics.”