Gratitude & Kindness (13 page)

2.
The Waffler
We are becoming aware that our behavior is part of the problem, but still we have made no commitment to action. We suspect than anyone that picks up this book is at least at this stage. Possibly the length of time or effort required are standing in the way of commitment. One way to get past this lack of action is to do a pros/cons list and to work through whether the change is worth it to you. Months and months can be spent in this stage waffling back and forth, before readiness to move to stage three is attained.

3.
The Ignited
When we know change is necessary and we believe we can change. We have already made some initial changes: maybe we have said “no” a few more times recently and have observed our children’s reactions; or we have not consented to a few requests that were delivered with poor attitude or disrespect. This is where you want to start anticipating obstacles and preparing for them: Great Aunt Ethel is arriving and always brings $80 worth of candy and a suitcase full of wants instead of needs. What to do to head off Ethel? The key to this stage is constructing a plan. Please take a look at
Appendix 2 (page 169)
for ideas on effectively building your plan.

4.
The Dynamo
Change is under way at this stage. Key success points are met when we stay clear about our motivation:
Why is gratitude and kindness important to you? What are the values
(Chapter 1)
you are working on? Valuable actions at this point include:

• Reviewing motivation and goals on a daily basis.
  
• Positive self-talk (“I can do this, I can do this…”).
  
• Support: hang out with other parents who believe boundaries are important.
  

5.
The Curator
Usually considered to be achieved when positive change has been in play for approximately five to six months. The focus is on planning for pitfalls and weak spots, such as:

• Christmas/holiday gift-giving, birthdays, high school graduation, etc.
  
• When there are friendships or other social situations that might stand in the way of your goals—play dates with extremely entitled children or those with indulgent parents.
  

Keeping the Cycle Going
– Even When No One Is Looking

Gratitude and kindness come from time investment and sincerity. You cannot pretend to adopt an attitude of gratitude and then behave in a contradictory way when your children are not around. True change is required, and that starts from within you.

This is a message to communicate to your children as well. In the beginning, they will be “going along” with gratitude journals and letters and chores—but most will expect the change to end at some point and to revert back to old entitlement patterns.

You cannot allow this to happen. There are two main assets that
you have to invest in if you want the gratitude cycle to really take hold in your home:

1. Action/Participation
   You and your other parenting teammate(s) —spouse, mother-in-law, nanny—must
   sincerely participate
   in this (it does not work if only one care-giver does so).
   
2. Time / Effort
   As a parenting team, you must be willing to
   dedicate time and effort
   to helping your children in a nurturing way.
   

   Gratitude Tip
   It is never too late to raise your children as grateful and kind individuals. Evidence suggests that these individuals will be the vessels for social change in the future.
   

9 Fun Ways to Teach Empathy

There are so many great ways to inspire your children to cultivate empathy. We suggest trying one of these exercises every day.

1. Teach them to be curious about other children.
   Very empathetic people are naturally curious about other people. Your child can cultivate empathy by asking meaningful questions. Provide your child with a repertoire of questions that they could ask someone that they are getting to know, such as: “What parts of your vacation did you enjoy the most?” “Why?” or, “How would your friends describe you when you’re on the playground?”
   
2. Teach children to challenge what they know.
   Assumptions about other people are just assumptions—they have no basis in fact. Inspire your children to learn about others using facts and personal experience to make better judgments.
   
3. Wear someone else’s shoes.
   Young children will love the literal translation of this one! Simply give them a pair of mom or dad’s shoes to wear and ask them to perform a task that mom or dad does every evening. It will not be easy, and the lesson is clear.
   
4. Listen with your ears, eyes, and body.
   When your children share something that is important to them, make sure you take some time to drop everything, give direct eye contact, and show through your body language that you really care about what they are saying.
   
5. Volunteer.
   It can help to have a real volunteer experience. For example, go down to the local park or beach and clean up trash while discussing how you will help save the birds in the area from eating unsafe things.
   
6. Encourage the imagination.
   When reading your children a book, stop and ask them to talk about the characters, describing how they could be feeling about their situation.
   
7. Do a fun run.
   A charity fun run is a great experience for young children looking to learn empathy. Learn about the cause, and talk about the people or animals they will be helping. Help them collect donations for every mile they run. This is how they can actively contribute to a worthy cause.
   
8. Switch sides.
   When siblings get in an argument, play a game called “switch sides”, where they each have to take on the other’s argument and role play it.
   
9. Play “I Spy Emotions”.
   When you are taking a leisurely drive somewhere, point out different things along the way and ask your children to describe the emotions generated by what they see.
   

The Wisdom of Age: Growing Up Thankful

With age comes wisdom
is an old saying that still rings true for parents, especially when they recognize the long-term benefits of daily gratitude in their children. Scientific research has also shown us that there are dozens of benefits that you will begin to experience once gratitude becomes a daily habit in your family’s life.

• Emotional needs:
  being more relaxed, feeling good, more resilient, less envious, and able to recall happy memories.
  
• Social needs:
  having more real friends, healthier marriages, deeper relationships, and being kinder to others.
  
• Career needs:
  better management, goal achievement, improved networking, improved decision-making, and increased productivity.
  
• Health needs:
  improved sleep, less illness, more exercise, increased energy, and longevity.
  
• Personality needs:
  less materialistic, less self-obsessed, increased self-esteem, more spiritual, and more optimism all lead to one thing, happiness!
  

Points to Remember, Actions to Take

• Key 1: Believe in gratitude.
  We have found if you fully believe in gratitude, so will your children. A blast of daily gratitude by
  speaking it
  and
  doing it
  will combat any child’s tendency to be entitled.
  
• Key 2: Dedicate yourself to real change.
  Lasting change happens when we shift our thoughts and involve our emotions, and when our actions involve multiple levels of change
  
• Key 3: Follow the Family Change Model.
  Our FCM leads you through how to assess your readiness for change, and then teaches you how to move forward towards actions that bring about sustainable change.
  
• Key 4: Teaching empathy can be fun!
  The process can be pleasurable, and is most powerful when all family members experience the exercises.
  
• Key 5: Practice gratitude every day.
  Even in small acts of kindness, there are big rewards. Kindness activates the seed of gratitude, and gratitude nurtures acts of kindness.
  
• Key 6: Raise your children to be grateful.
  The daily practice of gratitude is a way to focus on what we give rather than what we receive. We hope that after you have read this book, you will implement these very real changes by taking action in your life towards more grateful living. Your children will follow your lead.
  

  Take Action!
  Make some time in the evening when your whole family is home to create a gratitude chart. This chart will help you stick to the routines and rules that you need to put in place in order to make gratitude a daily family habit.
  

Conclusion

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear
and the blind can see.”

[Mark Twain]

We are always advising parents to pick their battles. Yet
entitlement-busting
and
gratitude-enhancing
are battles we hope you are compelled to pick now that you have read our book.

Some would say
ninja parenting
is required to prevent the
entitlement bug
from spreading any further. But parents: this battle is worthwhile!

Kindness and gratitude can be powerful allies in life to form strong social connections and to feel happier and physically healthier. As a parent, it is your responsibility to be the spark that lights the fires of change in your home. With a proper understanding of gratitude comes a happier, healthier outlook on life.

We have helped children of all ages open their hearts to kindness and gratitude with the essential tips inside this book. In order to feel good, you must be able to connect it to outward actions.

So we hope that when you put this book down, you will implement these very real changes.

The daily practice of gratitude is a way to focus on what we give, rather than what we receive. This helps us to experience life more fully. This is truly a gift that we can provide to our children, families, and communities.

Appendix 1 - How Ready Am I to Change?

Family Change Model

What I do to encourage kindness and gratitude and crush entitlement in my home.

Circle the statements that are true for you and your family