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“Yes, that is true – nobody you know would have known me before that.”

“Can I meet some of your older friends?” The rain splashed harder, and I drew cl
oser to him under the umbrella.
He instantly pulled further away.

“I don’t think you can, Claudia.  My acquaintances ru
n in different circles to you.”
His face, still beautiful, held a hint of tension.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Up until now, I’d not considered this as a possib
ility for the rules he obeyed.
His eyes flashed to mine, showing alarm.

“Of course not, don’t ever think that.” He looked genuinely concerned and it made me feel guilty for even think
ing that he was ashamed of me.

A cold breeze brushed past us and I was grateful we were nearly home, cursing myself f
or not bringing a coat with me.
Marty noticed me shiver and immediately started taking off his jacket, carefully managing to keep me covered w
ith the umbrella as he did so.
I was always in awe of how he did things like that, which would have been like a game
of Twister if I’d attempted it.
He handed me the jacket, his fingers brushing against mine for just a fraction of
a second longer than necessary. I couldn’t seem to move.
He took the jacket back from me and draped it ar
ound my shoulders, gracefully.
I felt the slightest squeeze of a hug as he touched me and goose bumps, that had nothing to do with the chill i
n the air, appeared on my skin.
I couldn’t w
ait to be behind closed doors.
If he was only mine when nobody else could see,
that would have to be enough.
Nobody else could ever compare now.

“Let’s get home, Marty.” My voice sounded huskier than usual, charged with the ener
gy I seemed to absorb from him.
We started walking again, with more urgency now, as rain pattered heavily on the umbrella and occasional flashes of lightning il
luminated the deserted street.
I searched in my handbag for my front door key, eager to
get home as soon as possible.
I thought my heart was louder than the th
under roaring in the distance.

We arrived at the
door, slightly out of breath.
I thrust the key into the lock and forced the door open, tripping over the doorstep in
my haste to get into the house.
Marty caught me round the waist to stop me falling over and simultaneously sl
ammed the door shut behind him.
I shivered at the th
rill of his hands touching me.
Despite my body being tiny, compared to his, I was able to push my body against his and force him towards the wall, pressing my chest to his, feeli
ng the heat radiating from him.
We kissed pas
sionately, in the dark hallway.
The pent up frustration from the day s
eemed to be spilling out of me.
I shook Marty’s jacket from my shoulders
and left it lying on the floor.
My hands were almost uncontrollable as they explored his chest, relishing the sensation of feeling his muscular torso covered with
only a flimsy piece of fabric.
His fingers ran through my hair, h
is lips locked on mine. My body tingled and trembled.
I started to pull up his jumper, de
sperate to reveal more of him.
At that moment, I didn’t ne
ed to know anything about him. I just needed him.

Strong hands clamped around my wrists and stopped the
m in their tracks.
His mouth pulled away from mine and I felt my body being gently, yet ins
istently, forced away from his.
I felt lost for words – I thought he’d wanted this as much as I did.

“Claudia, stop. We can’t do this.”
I could hear the longing in his throaty voice, his breathing was quickened and short, yet his hands held me in place, at a distance away from him.

“Why can’t we? Don’t you want to?” I was glad the hallway was growing darker by the minute, as I felt embarrassed asking him these questions and now I was blushing fiercely.

“Of course I do.
I’ve never wanted anything more.” There was a blaze of lightning and for a moment his face was visible, with an array of mixed em
otions laid bare for me to see.
Desire, fear, passion, anger, frustration, attr
action. “But we can’t do this. We just can’t.”

“What’s wrong?” I knew he wouldn’t tell me, but I had to ask anyway.

“Me.
I’m what’s wrong.” And without another word, he walked straight out of the front d
oor and into the stormy night.
The slam of the do
or echoed in the empty hallway.
His coat and the umbre
lla lay abandoned on the floor.
I pressed my head against the wall, where his back had just been, trying to m
ake sense of what had happened.
I could still smell his heady scent in the air. I started to feel dizzy and sick, as though I was going to faint and I slid down to the fl
oor to stop myself passing out.
I lay on the hardwood floor, curled up, hugging my knees to my chest and cried. Great, uncontrollab
le sobs reverberated around me.

Chapter 6

I don’t
know how long I was asleep for.
It was completely dark when the sound o
f the door creaking roused me.
I heard footsteps walk closer to me, steady breathing as someone bent down to look at me and then a deep sigh, filled with regret, as strong arms wrap
ped around me and lifted me up.
I moulded myself to his chest, drinking in his scent, his warmth, the touch of his skin as m
y forehead rested on his neck.
He brought the fresh smell of rain in with him and although his skin and clothes were damp, it fe
lt wonderful to be next to him.
I thought perhaps I was dreaming as he pulled me closer to him, his lips brushing my ha
ir.
A dull ache in my shoulder and hip, where they’d laid against the floor
, told me this was not a dream.
Marty carried me into the dark living room and held me against his body,
on his lap, gently rocking me.
I d
idn’t dare try to kiss him now.
I felt a jumble of emotions – delighted he had returned, terrified he would leave again, confusion and embarrassme
nt about what happened earlier.
When he started to move me off of his lap, panic set in and I clung on to him tightly.

“Don’t go, please,” I whispered.

“I’m not leaving, I was ju
st going to turn on the light.”
I loosened my grip on him and slid myself onto the sofa next to him, as he rea
ched over for the light switch.
The sudden brilliance of the lamp hurt my eyes and I buried my head in his chest. Marty
wrapped his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, Claudia, I
shouldn’t have left like that.
I just had to get away or I would have done something we’d both regret.”

“You’d regret being with me?” I was glad my face was hidden, as I felt self-conscious ta
lking about this.
My experience of such things was severely limited.

“I woul
d.” His words cut like a knife.
He saw me flin
ch and pulled me closer to him.
“I can’t explain it right – it sounds like I don’t want you, but
this is the complete opposite.
I barely have any resistance left and I don’t know what
would happen if we made love.”
I risked a glimpse up at his face and saw the set of h
is chin showing his uneasiness.

“
Marty, have you ever made love? Are you nervous?
Or is it more than that?”

“It
is more than that.
And no, I haven’t.” He didn’t look at all embarrassed, in a complete contrast to me.

“How is that possible?
I mean, have you seen yourself?” The words slipped out before I could stop them, but Marty gave me an amused grin, then looked
away.
“You’re older than m
e, at least twenty-five, right?
Most people have at least experimented by that age…” I could feel myself digging a hole that I didn’t want to be in.

“I honestly never had this desire before I met you.” He glanced down at me and
smiled. “I adore you. So much. Too much. I can’t risk this.
If they even knew what I thought about…” His smile widened, then faded. “Well, I wouldn’t be here right now, that’s for sure.”

“
Can’t you tell me who they are?
Why wouldn’t they want us to b
e together?
We’re two ad
ults, what’s wrong about that?”
I hated seeing the dilemma in his eyes.

“I can’t tell you.
If you knew the truth, I doubt you
’d want to be with me, anyway.”
He turned his head away from
me, looking ashamed of himself.
I reached up to his face and forced him to look at me.

“I’ve never felt
this way about anyone before.
I can’t imagine anything you could say that would change the way I feel about you.”

“Then I guess it’s lucky
for me that I can’t tell you.”
He leaned in towards
me and kissed me.
“Do me one favour though, Claudia.”

“What’s that?”

“Please don’t make me ha
ve to walk away from you again.
We can’t take that risk - I’m not sure I
’d be able to leave next time.
It’s a cliché, but I’m drawn to you like a moth to a flam
e.
It took every ounce of self-control for me to leave this afternoon an
d I hated myself for doing it.
Don’t put me in that position again.”

“So, I can kiss you like this,” I gently pecked his cheek and he nodded, “but is this OK?” I kissed him on the li
ps, quickly. He nodded again.
“How about this?” I kissed him deeper this time, my hands running up his torso, feeling the strong muscles tighten under my touch.

“Th
at’s about the limit, I think.”
His words came out in a controlled tone, as though he was thinking carefully about each one.

“So, I guess I should keep my hands to myself, really.” I couldn’t help but
feel a little bit disappointed.

“Unfortunately so.
I wish I could give you everything yo
u want, everything you deserve.
I’m being incredibly selfish, getting in the wa
y of what should have happened.
I’m in too deep, being without you is no longer enough – yet, I was perf
ectly content before I met you.
I can’t go back to that now.”

“You don’t have to.
Stay with me.”

“You’ll change your mind in the future – you’ll want more than I can give.”

“I do want more than you can give, but I won’t settle for anything less than you, so, I guess, I’m caught b
etween a rock and a hard place.
It’s so odd – when I’m with you, nothing else matters, but when we’re apart I start constantly trying to
work out what your secret is.”
It felt like a time for honesty.

“I wish you could work it out.
I h
ate not telling you everything.
And maybe, when you know, you will see that, despite the way we feel about each other, I’
m not where your future lies.”
He looked sad and I desperately wanted to t
ake the sadness away from him.

“Are you working tomorrow?  At the hospice?”

“Yes.
One of my patients, Mr Hollins, is getting near the end, I’d like to make sure he’s not alo
ne when it happens.
Why do you ask?”

“No real reason,” I told a white lie. “Just wondered if you were going to be at home.”

“Home.
I never really felt anywhere was home before.” He kissed my forehead gently.

“You make me feel safe.”

“That’s all I ever wa
nted.
For you to be safe and happy.”

“
Then I guess you got your wish.
When I’m with you, I couldn’t be happier.”

“You seemed to have the weight of the world on your shoulders earlier, when
I met you after your lecture.
Anything I can help with?”

“Aside from spending a lot of the day trying to figure you out,” I rolled my eyes at him, “and getting absolutely nowhere, I ha
d a horrible time this morning.
We had to sing and dance in drama and then my lecturer said some really odd comments about my last perf
ormance.
It wasn’t my best
day ever, but I’ve had worse.
I know a way that you can make it feel better…” I leaned myself towa
rds him and waited for a kiss. I didn’t have to wait long. “Stay with me tonight.
Like last night.”