Grayson Brothers Series Boxed Set (4 books in 1) (22 page)

“I want to go home,” Rebecca said, bursting into tears as Radford entered the room he slept in at his mother’s house. He picked her up and she clung to his neck.

“I know, sweetheart.” Their lives were empty living without Evelyn and he had no idea how to comfort Rebecca when he could promise her nothing. He hadn’t spoken intimately with Evelyn since the funeral three days earlier. His pathetic attempts to examine his past had begun an onslaught of vicious nightmares that he fought his way out of with violent results. He’d protected Rebecca by putting her in his mother’s room, but she was rebelling against being uprooted again. Kyle had moved into his own house the day of their fight, and other than his brief comment at William’s funeral, he hadn’t spoken a word to Radford since.

If he could only roll back time to when he was seventeen and start all over again. He’d fight the war like a man. He’d come home to the hero’s welcome he deserved. He’d shoulder the burden of supporting his family as he should have when his father passed away. He would pledge his love to Evelyn and make her his wife long before the idea ever entered Kyle’s head. But he couldn’t roll back time. He couldn’t undo any of his mistakes. All he could do was try and make restitution.

Rebecca couldn’t wait for him to wrestle down his past and pull his life together. She needed him now. So did Evelyn.

After supper, Radford trudged across the snow-covered field toward the mill, his muscles straining beneath the heavy weight of the chain Evelyn had borrowed from Kyle last August.

His arms trembled and, despite the cold, he was covered with sweat by the time he crossed the yard. How would he apologize for what he’d done? What words could convey the depth of his regret? He could offer an explanation and honest apology. The most he could hope for was an opportunity to repair the damage. The rest would be up to Kyle.

An inch of snow offered little cushion for the fifty pounds of iron that Radford dumped behind his brother.

With a yelp, Kyle spun around, his expression startled and fierce. “What are you doing?”

“Returning your chain.”

Kyle kicked it. “I didn’t want it back.”

“And I didn’t want to fall in love with Evelyn, but I’m learning that life isn’t about what we want.”

They measured each other while the distant sound of a saw filled the frigid air that cut through Radford’s clothing, chilling his sweat-covered body.

Kyle’s expression remained hard. “Are you finished?”

Kyle’s anger was justified, but Radford needed to break through it, to make Kyle understand how an innocent situation evolved into betrayal. He extended his hand, reaching for his beloved brother, willing to beg for his forgiveness if it came to that. “I’m sorry, Kyle. I need to make amends and tell you why it happened.”

“So you can relieve your guilt?” Kyle glanced at Radford’s waiting hand then turned his back and grabbed his axe. “Not interested.”

Radford curled his cold fingers into his palm, drawing away from Kyle’s painful rejection. He lowered his hand, wondering if he’d ever find the words that would open his brother’s heart. “I realize I deserted you when Dad died. I deserted all of you. Now, I’m deserting Evelyn when she needs me most. I can’t run anymore, Kyle. It’s killing me and draining the life from my daughter.”

Kyle’s shoulders stiffened. “What do you want me to say? That all is forgiven? That I hope you and Evelyn are happy?” He turned back to Radford. “I had a life planned and you dumped the mill on my shoulders. My wedding was one week away and you slept with my bride. How am I supposed to forgive that?”

Kyle’s words sliced through Radford and he knew he was asking too much.

“Dad built this mill for you, Radford. When he was dying, he made me promise I’d keep it going. I stayed. I tore up my train ticket and unpacked my suitcase. I know you made your sacrifices, too, Radford, but for five years, I sweated blood and kept my promise to Dad. My life is here now.” He swung his arm out to encompass the mill. “I built this. My back. My hands. My life.” He lowered his arm, his expression raw with pain. “I was going to be a lawyer. I became a mill owner instead. This is my life. Evelyn was supposed to share it with me. I don’t know what you want from me, but I think I’ve sacrificed enough.”

Radford nodded. How selfish he’d been. How many other lives had he ruined because he’d been too consumed by his own pain? Rebecca’s? Evelyn’s? It didn’t matter. Even one was too many.

“I became a soldier because I had to,” he said, nostalgia and regret making his voice hoarse. “I wanted to be a mill owner.” He met Kyle’s eyes, knowing his brother deserved the truth. “I didn’t want to go. I had dreams for this place.” Radford’s gaze traveled the mill with longing. “A lot like this, but not as grand. I would have had more men and less saw. You did it smarter.” He shrugged, knowing it no longer mattered. “The Union didn’t want crippled men so I went in Dad’s place. I promised him I’d come back alive. He believed I came back a hero. I left because I couldn’t tell him the truth.”

Kyle shoved his hands in his pockets and flicked the chain with his boot. “I was wrong to say that about hiding your medal.”

“It’s the truth. I didn’t earn it. William was a hero in every sense of the word. It’s where it belongs now.”

Kyle sighed. “I don’t know what happened to you all those years ago, Radford, but I can’t pay the price anymore. I want to get on with my life.”

“So do I.”

“Then do it, but don’t ask me to forgive you. I don’t have it in me.”

Kyle’s words tore through Radford like grapeshot and he stumbled back a step. Everything inside him calcified: his heart, his hopes, his dreams of reuniting with his brother. He didn’t blame Kyle. But his heart ached. “I understand,” he said. “I just wish I would have never hurt you. I don’t have words to express my regret.” He turned away, uncaring that the icy wind stung his cheeks.

“Words won’t change anything. Enough has been said.”

Radford turned back. “We talked with our fists. All that accomplished was beating each other bloody. My ribs are still bruised.”

“I intended to break them. I’m glad to hear I didn’t.”

Radford nodded. “At least you’re honest.”

Kyle slipped the toe of his boot beneath a section of chain, making the links jangle. “We never fought like that when we were kids. Is that something you learned in the war?”

“The only thing I learned was that I was an animal. There were no rules in those battles and I didn’t make any for myself. I used whatever advantage I had to stay alive.”

“Well, I wish you would have told me that before I was stupid enough to hit you. My eyebrow is still lumped up.” Kyle’s lip twitched and Radford wondered if he had only imagined the flicker of amusement.

A spark of hope blossomed and he stared at his brother, praying Kyle’s anger was beginning to thaw. “Do you think there’s any chance for us, Kyle? Ever?”

Their gazes clashed, but Kyle remained silent, unyielding.

With a sinking heart, Radford made one last appeal. “I never meant to betray you. The only thing that kept me alive during the war was believing I could come back to this, to my brothers. I’ll do whatever it takes, Kyle. Anything.”

A loud pounding jolted Evelyn from sleep and she tossed the afghan onto the back of the couch, her brain frantically trying to understand why someone would be banging on her door in the middle of the night.

“Evelyn!” Nancy Grayson’s voice was muffled by the door, but Evelyn could hear the panic in her call.

The instant Evelyn opened the door, Nancy pushed inside. “Is Rebecca here with you?” she asked, her eyes wild with fear.

Evelyn glanced into the dark, snowy night and her heart stopped. “No. Where’s Radford?” she asked, her own panic rising.

“I don’t know.” Nancy burst into tears. “He left the house an hour ago. He’d had a nightmare and was thrashing around so much, Boyd went in to wake him up, but Radford was out of his mind. Both Duke and Boyd had to shake Radford awake. He was so ashamed when he realized he’d attacked his brothers that he pulled on his clothes and left the house. When I went back to my bedroom, Rebecca was gone.”

“Maybe she’s with Radford,” Evelyn said, praying it was true.

Nancy shook her head. “He headed toward town. Rebecca’s footprints went into the orchard, but they’re so small, and it’s so dark, the boys are having a hard time tracking them.” Her eyes welled up. “She’s in her nightgown. She’ll freeze out there.”

“Where are the boys?” Evelyn asked, grabbing her coat off the hook and tugging it on over her nightrail.

“They’re still searching the orchard and the creek.”

“Go to Kyle’s house and tell him what’s happened,” she said, slipping her bare feet into a pair of her boots then grabbing the lantern off the table. “Find Radford. I’ll help look for Rebecca.”

The instant she and Nancy stepped outside, the frigid air took her breath away. Nancy ran back across the orchard, but Evelyn stood on the steps, feeling scared to death that Rebecca was exposed to the biting wind and snow. Her first inclination was to dash into the dark and yell for Rebecca, but she stopped in the driveway, turning a slow circle, wondering where she’d go if she were a frightened little girl.

Someplace warm. Someplace she wouldn’t be alone.

Evelyn raced to the barn, but instead of yanking open the big double doors, she went to the small entrance door on the side. The livery was dark and silent. Her heart raced and her thoughts scattered as she stepped inside.

She checked the tack room, praying that Rebecca had crawled up on the cot like Evelyn used to do when she was her age, but Rebecca wasn’t there. Fighting panic, Evelyn stood still and listened. The wind moaned. The rafters creaked. A sprinkling of hay slipped through the floorboards above her head and fluttered past her lantern.

Her heart leaped and she dashed toward the ladder leading up to the loft. “Rebecca!” Evelyn lifted the lantern and climbed the ladder one-handed. The instant her head cleared the upper floor and she could look into the loft, Evelyn felt her legs and arms go weak. Rebecca was sitting beside a mound of hay with a litter of two-day-old kittens in her lap. “Honey, are you all right?” she asked breathlessly, barely able to believe Rebecca was safe.

Rebecca sniffed and scrubbed her wet eyes. “Daddy was fighting and they hurt him.”

“Oh, honey, your uncles were only trying to wake him up.”

“He cried and he ran away.”

Evelyn’s breath whooshed out and she sagged against the wooden rungs of the ladder.

Rebecca stroked the kitten in her lap, her tears dripping onto the fur beneath her fingers. “He said he wouldn’t leave me no more.”

Evelyn pressed her fingers to her mouth, her own eyes flooding.

A bang sounded from below then hurried footsteps, and Boyd’s frantic voice as he yelled for Rebecca.

“Boyd! Over here!” Evelyn squatted down and ducked her head in time to see Boyd skid to a halt beside the ladder. “She’s in the loft with Missy’s new kittens.”

He clutched his chest and fell against a stall. Panting, he stared up at Evelyn, his face white with fear. “Is she all right?”

“Yes. Just upset.”

He blew out a breath and shoved his wind-snarled hair out of his eyes. “It killed me to think she might be out in that. If anything had happened to that little one..” His lips compressed and his eyes beaded with moisture.

Her own misted, and she nodded her understanding. To even think such a thing was unbearable. After a few seconds, she dragged in a breath and said, “Go let the others know we found her. I’ll keep Rebecca with me tonight.”

“Good idea,” he said. His shoulders lowered and he pushed himself upright. “I’ll find Radford.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“No, but I know where I’d go.”  Boyd shook his head. “He’s never going to forgive himself when he realizes what happened with Rebecca.” With that, he bolted out the door.

Evelyn climbed into the loft and sat down beside Rebecca and the hay pile where her new cat had made its home. She kissed Rebecca’s head and snuggled her close. “I was worried about you. I’m glad you found a warm place to hide.”

Rebecca kept her head down, quietly petting the kitten.

Evelyn rubbed her finger over the squirming gray kitten in Rebecca’s hands. “What shall we name them?”

Rebecca give the kitten serious consideration. “His name can be Mittens,” she said, pointing to his white paws.

Evelyn nodded. “That’s a perfect name for him.”

Rebecca put him down and scooped up another kitten. He dangled from her hands and she tucked him against her chest. “I like this one. I’m gonna call him Wiggles.”

Evelyn smiled and stroked Rebecca’s back, enjoying their moment together.

The mother cat sauntered over and rubbed against Evelyn. “Hey, Missy, are you checking on your babies?” Evelyn asked.

“That’s their mama?”

Evelyn nodded and wiped a tear off Rebecca’s cheek with her thumb. “She’s making sure we take care of them.”

Rebecca bent over and looked into Missy’s face. “Your babies got names now,” she said. When she popped back up, she looked at Evelyn with a curious expression. “Where’s your mama?”

The question was so totally unexpected that Evelyn was momentarily at a loss for words. How did a person explain to a four-year-old that her mother was dead. “Do you know what heaven is, Rebecca?”

“That’s where my grandpa went.” She looked at Evelyn with sad, lost eyes. “Now I can’t see him no more.”

Evelyn cupped Rebecca’s chin. “Did you know that Grandpa can still see you?”

Rebecca’s eyes widened. “He can?”

“Sure. Heaven is all around us. When you go there, you can see everything.” She tucked Rebecca’s curls behind her tiny ear. “I’ll bet Grandpa is watching you right now.”

“Really?” Rebecca asked, her eyes wide. She scooped up Wiggles, held him over her head, and hollered to the barn roof, “Look, Grandpa! I got a kitten!”

In that moment, Evelyn knew that loving someone was worth any sacrifice, and that she would do whatever it took to save Radford and his precious daughter.

“I have a surprise for you,” Evelyn said, hoping to entice Rebecca away from the kittens and into the house. She took the babies from Rebecca’s lap and put them back with their mother.

After taking the lantern downstairs and setting it on the floor, Evelyn climbed the ladder and guided Rebecca down from the loft. She lifted Rebecca onto her hip and tucked her wool coat around them. She picked up the lantern then dashed through the frigid, swirling snow to the house, wondering if Radford was still wandering in the cold night.

“Is that the surprise?” Rebecca asked, pointing at a small blanket-covered mound beside the sofa.

Evelyn nodded. “Go ahead,” she said, smiling at Rebecca’s eager expression.

Rebecca trotted across the floor then pulled the cover aside. With a shriek of pure joy she reached into the cradle. “My dollie!” She clutched the doll to her chest and turned her bright face to Evelyn. “It’s my dollie!”

The brilliance of Rebecca’s smile was a sight Evelyn knew she’d never forget and she was glad she hadn’t hidden the doll away for Christmas as she’d planned to do. This gift was too special, too significant to be given for a holiday. Gifts from the heart weren’t meant to be saved.

* * *

Rebecca was asleep when Kyle knocked on the door, and Evelyn’s jaw dropped when she saw him. He was the last person she expected to see at two o’clock in the morning. His eyes were dark and his cheeks were red from the wind. Her eyes misted. “You didn’t find him, did you?” she asked.

He shook his head and pushed the door shut with his foot. “Boyd’s been gone a while though, so I think they might be together. Duke’s going into town to make sure. I know it’s late, but I thought you’d want to know what’s happening.”

“Thank you, Kyle.” She caught his cold fingers and warmed them in her palm. “I don’t deserve your kindness after everything I’ve put you through. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

He pulled his fingers free and shrugged as if her betrayal hadn’t bothered him at all, but Evelyn knew better.

“I’d like to explain what happened,” she said softly.

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

He looked so capable standing there with his wide shoulders and thick arms, but whether he loved her or not, his muscles of steel couldn’t protect his heart from the pain.

“Please. I owe you so much more than an apology.” She met his eyes so he could see the sincerity in hers. “I think Radford’s betrayal cut the deepest and I’m sorry for that, too. We were both unintentionally selfish.”

Kyle looked at the ceiling and let out a huge sigh. “Would you mind if I went home?”

“Don’t go.” Evelyn caught his hand. “Please give me a minute.”

Reluctantly, he met her eyes then sat down at the table.

Evelyn sat beside him. “You’ve been my friend forever,” she began quietly. “I’ve always shared everything with you, my troubles, my laughter, my tears, but after your father died, you changed. You didn’t talk with me anymore. You were preoccupied with the business and that eventually consumed you. After a while we didn’t share anything but unspoken memories. I shouldn’t have agreed to marry you, Kyle. It was selfish of me. But Papa was ill and the livery was failing and I... I wanted a family. I knew you could give me that, and also the security I needed.”

“Evelyn—”

She covered his lips with her fingers. “It was the wrong reason to marry you,” she insisted, lowering her hand to her lap. “I found that out when Radford came home and let me care for his daughter. I fell in love with Rebecca, and in sharing her with Radford, we formed bonds that drew us closer. Radford and I were both misfits and we found something in each other that we needed. No matter how we tried to ignore those feelings, they eventually strengthened until they wouldn’t let us go. You see, I had nothing else holding my heart away from all of that. I didn’t know the man I was engaged to. If I’m to be completely truthful, Kyle, I still don’t believe our old friendship would have been strong enough for a happy marriage.”

“I thought we had something special,” he said.

“We did. A wonderful friendship that became overshadowed by our responsibilities.”

Kyle pulled his hand free and braced his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlocked between them. “Then tell me what happened that night you kissed me as if you wanted to pull my clothes off. Why did you do that? I’ve wondered for a long time.”

If she were to be any friend at all, she had to answer truthfully. “I was hoping to find the spark we were missing. I was prepared to give everything I had in search of that. I just couldn’t find it in the arms of my friend.”

He nodded in resignation as if he’d already known the answer, but had been unwilling to admit it. “You found that spark with my brother.”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

He looked at her, his expression vulnerable. “Was it impossible to love me just a little?”

Evelyn lifted her hand and stroked his jaw. “I loved you more than a little, Kyle. You were like a brother to me. That’s why I couldn’t love you like a woman should love her husband. I had already found a special place for you in my heart.”

He closed his eyes. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.” Evelyn moved into his embrace and he stood up, pulling her against him. They held each other like family members who have been away from each other too long.

“Is it okay if I’m not your friend for a while?” he asked, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I think it’s going to take some time for my heart to figure out where to put you.”

Evelyn hugged him. “Just promise to find a place for me.” She put her hand over his heart. “Do you think you can find room in here for Radford, too?” Their eyes met and Evelyn realized how raw Kyle was inside, how deeply he felt Radford’s loss.

He sighed and stepped away.

“You hold a big part of his heart, Kyle. He needs you. With you out of his life, Radford has become a lonely, empty man.”

“It’s becoming a lonely winter for all of us from what I hear.”

His knowing look made Evelyn blush. “Radford’s having some difficulty working things out.”

“We all are.” A sad smile crossed his face, and he gave her a quick hug. “Get some rest. We’ll find him.”

Evelyn caught his hand and squeezed. “There is a woman out there who will honestly deserve you. Find her and be happy. You deserve it.”