Great Sex Secret (17 page)

dictably asexual mood

Having regular times for

and do something

lovemaking and using a good

they really want to do

mutual-orgasm technique,

but wouldn’t do if

with occasional spontaneous

they waited for a

variations, can result in

spontaneous urge to

deeply satisfying sex that

arise. Thanks to their

stands the test of time.

ever-present libido,

most people are arous-

able pretty much any

time—but because of their busy lives and many preoccupations, they need a little push to get going.

Making intercourse a regular routine doesn’t mean that it has be
routine
. Couples who find an approach that consistently gives deep mutual gratification don’t get tired of sex, and they almost always make it a cher-ished part of each week (or month) no matter how busy or tired they are (and actively look forward to those times in the parts of their lives that really are routine).

They may not be very passionate when they get into bed, and they may not have the time, the energy, or the privacy for an extended session with the full a la carte menu of foreplay. But if they know that in all likelihood
K e e p i n g Pa s s i o n A l i v e i n L o n g - Te r m R e l a t i o n s h i p s
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they will both have deeply satisfying orgasms together, they are likely to initiate sex and will end up being glad they did. They’re not making love because they
need
to; they’re doing it because they love each other, know it will end well, and deeply
want
to. Occasional variations in the routine (making love in the morning during a blizzard, or after lunch on a lazy summer’s day, or at some other zany time when the spirit moves) add variety and spice to the mix, but the ending is the same—a glow of mutual satisfaction and deepened feelings of intimacy and commitment.

So it’s not necessary to wait around for the right mood to strike both partners at the same time—the right time of month, the moonlight, the stars aligned, that certain sparkle in her eyes. By establishing regular sexual times, having a sure-fire route to mutual satisfaction, continuing to experiment with variations, and always being honest and open about what they’re feeling, lovers can keep romance cruising through the years, turning that “eighteen-mile rut” into a freeway of love (thank you, Aretha Franklin).

Chapter Nine

Finding Our Way to

Sexual Happiness

Chapter 6 described three ways to make love with mutual satisfaction. Chapter 7 argued that sexual techniques with a capital “T” are an integral part of successful love relationships. And Chapter 8 made the case for the importance of effective techniques to keeping passion alive in long-term love relationships. If all this is true, it would certainly appear that today’s lovers, in contrast to those who lived in the sexual dark ages described in the earlier chapters, have an open road before them as their sexual relationships develop.

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Our society still has significant obstacles to balanced and reciprocal lovemaking, among them: disempowered women; poor communication; men not getting it; hang-ups about masturbation; resistance to “outercourse”; a glut of sexual information; and incomplete sex research. Let’s look at each of these challenges—and the ways couples might work to overcome them.

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T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
1.
Disempowered women.
The reason for a great deal of sexual unhappiness is that men tend to be dominant (and sometimes domineering) in romantic relationships, which means that women are often dependent and needy. Too often women don’t feel confident and sure-footed when faced with the dual challenge of setting sexual limits with their partners and being assertive about their own sexual desires.

The gains that Western women have made in the economic and political realms—as well as the much greater seriousness with which law enforcement and school officials now treat charges of sexual miscon-duct—can be the foundation for greater sexual candor, equality, and happiness. Progress is made whenever girls and women are on an a level playing field with their romantic and sexual partners and use their increased power to assert their right to an equal share of sexual satisfaction. In the past, this would have been unthinkable; now it should be within any woman’s grasp.

2.
Poor communication.
Three factors combine to keep most people tongue-tied when it comes to talking about sex: most of us are brought up in ways that make us shy and uncomfortable about sex; most lovers know that their partners’ sexual self-concepts are fragile, so they tread lightly when it comes to sharing any thoughts that might be seen as negative; and
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there are all kinds of myths about what is supposed to happen in bed, leading many to fear that if they don’t conform to those expectations, they’re not normal. All this leads people to keep their mouths shut when it comes to sharing truly intimate sexual feelings. When lovers don’t communicate honestly and openly in bed, it’s very difficult to overcome the built-in “geography”

challenges when making love.

This is a pity, because

sex improves dramatically

when both partners—

Perhaps the location of the

especially the woman—

clitoris isn’t a problem after

speak up candidly and

all. It allows sensitive,

specifically about sexual

thoughtful lovers to attain

likes and dislikes
right at

mutual satisfaction virtually

the beginning of an inti-

every time they make love.

mate relationship
. There

are no absolutes in bed;

what’s fun for one person may be too raunchy for another; what’s arousing for one may seem degrading for the other; what feels like good robust sex for one may be too rough for the other. Sex gets better when both partners are comfortable talking about it,
listen
to each other, and use feedback to become a sensitive and skillful lover for the person they are with. Sex is better when both lovers are
honest
about what they prefer sexually, and at the same time don’t limit themselves to what has given 1 8 0

T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
them pleasure in the past—when they can say what they don’t like and still be open to new approaches.

Sex is better when lovers explore and experiment across the full range of (safe) approaches and techniques, find those that work best for them, and remain open to spontaneous departures and new approaches over time. None of this can happen unless lovers communicate well, and that will happen only when parents and school sex education programs do a better job helping young people develop a basic comfort level talking about sex. That comes from practice—talking openly and matter-of-factly about the whole subject.

3.
Men not getting it.
Unfortunately, a good many twenty-first-century men are continuing the eons-old tradition of selfish, inconsiderate, one-sided lovemaking. All too often, their cluelessness is aided and abet-ted by women who don’t speak up in bed—but let’s not make excuses for men. Information is readily available on the true source of female sexual satisfaction—and the fact that penetration almost never produces a female orgasm. These insights can be the beginning of an ongoing sexual conversation between lovers. The burden should not be on women to do all the asking, explaining, teaching, limit-setting, and faking. To be sure, there are other issues that need to be addressed—the whole Mars-Venus chasm, men’s
Fi n d i n g O u r Wa y t o S e x u a l H a p p i n e s s
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difficulty talking about their feelings and taking the plunge into truly intimate relationships, and their perennial problems with commitment. But these deeper issues should no longer be played out against a back-drop of clueless, one-sided sex.

4.
Hang-ups about masturbation.
Our society’s continuing nervousness and negativism on the subject of self-pleasuring doesn’t make things easier for teenagers—or for adults. We are asking a great deal of adolescents when we lecture them to avoid risky sexual behaviors as they traverse the dangerous waters between the emergence of their sexual appetites (around twelve to thirteen years old) and the age when intercourse is considered appropriate (Late teens? College? Early twenties? Marriage?). Kids almost never hear the important message that masturbation is a safe, healthy sexual outlet during adolescence—and at other times in life when two-person sex is not an option. Masturbation is also excellent preparation for mutual enjoyment down the road—

especially for young women, for whom orgasms are not going to happen automatically during intercourse the way they do for men. In most relationships, a woman will need to give her partner some quite specific guidance if she is to have
any
chance of true satisfaction during lovemaking. It will be difficult for her to show him the way unless she has experienced 1 8 2

T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
orgasms on her own and unless both partners have developed an accepting, matter-of-fact attitude toward masturbation (hey, almost everyone does it; what’s the problem?).

The problem is that parents find it almost impossible to talk to their kids about masturbation and most sex-education programs in schools and virtually all articles and books about teenage sexuality are extraordinar-ily gun-shy on the subject. The forced resignation of Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders in 1994 for suggesting that masturbation should be treated more forthrightly in schools was a huge setback (and not a shining moment for her boss, Bill Clinton, who probably should have been doing a little more masturbating himself ). Many people seemed to be unable to grasp the difference between teaching
about
masturbation and giving masturbation
lessons
.

Some religious teaching still clings to prohibitions against masturbation, and some of the old myths are still with us in the form of teasing and off-color humor: it causes pimples and warts, it makes hairs grow on your palms, it will make you go blind, and it will turn you into a werewolf! The subtext of a lot of this is that masturbation is for losers—a message that has confused and messed up countless people over the years.

Where will teenagers hear a more positive message?

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Must every new genera-

tion deal with uncer-

The location of the clitoris

tainty and even shame

gives women a way to

when succumbing to

see through the sweet

almost unstoppable nat-

talk and find out how

ural urges? What would

generous and considerate

it take for us to
normalize

their partner really is.

masturbation and take it

off the shame map? Well,

it would be helpful if young people heard the following messages from their elders: masturbation is by far the safest way to release the sexual energy that naturally bubbles up in every healthy person; masturbation is an intensely private and personal choice; and no one should feel ashamed to masturbate (or feel ashamed if they don’t).

5.
Resistance to “outercourse.”
The risk of pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, and other sexual infections means that any kind of sexual penetration (vaginal, oral, and anal), even with condoms, is risky for couples who don’t know and really trust each other. Mutual fondling without penetration (“On me, not in me.”) is less complicated, more tilted toward female pleasure, and safer (as long as semen is not ejaculated near the vulva). But some of the hard-core abstinence messages being given to teenagers these days proscribe
any
sexual contact. This is foolish. Young people have 1 8 4

T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
powerful sexual urges starting at puberty, and total suppression of sexual activity for eight to ten years is neither sensible nor realistic.

Dealing with sex and love during this long in-between period is a central challenge of adolescence, and kids need more realistic and supportive advice than they’re getting now. There is a lot to be said for abstinence during the teen years—but abstinence should be defined in a way that says safe outercourse is okay (and masturbation, too). In the early stages of a love relationship, outercourse can help lovers (especially teenagers) safely explore their sexuality, learn how each others’

bodies work, and prepare for more mutually satisfying intercourse down the road. The only cautionary note is that couples who engage in outercourse need to have the maturity and self-control to resist the strong urge to pass “go” and proceed to penetration. The perennial scenario has been that the male wants increasingly intimate sex and the female has all the responsibility for saying no. In more power-equal relationships, lovers might move beyond this tiresome dynamic, agree in advance on their sexual limits (first base? second base?

third base? no penetration), and then have lots of intimate fun within them.

6.
A glut of sexual information and incomplete sex
research.
There’s tons of information about sex out there—a mind-boggling array of not-very-helpful
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advice, enthusiastic endorsements for the one best technique, academic tomes, lectures, TV shows, sex therapists, erotica, and pornography. But virtually all of this material avoids a truly honest examination of the sexual asymmetries between men and women; steers couples up one blind alley after another by suggesting that variety, bizarre practices, a bigger penis, toys, and other paraphernalia are the way to attain sexual bliss; and gives lovers very little guidance finding a mutual orgasm technique that works for them. Who has the time to wade through all this material and separate the thimble full of wheat from the truckloads of chaff? And how many couples have the sexual comfort level and the fab-ulous communication skills to solve the built-in geography problems on their own? There is a crying need for literature and research that is more helpful to couples as they try to cut to the chase in all the sex information around them and grapple with the very real challenges they face in bed.