Guarded Hearts (21 page)

I climb into bed. My eyes are heavy from the crying and the melatonin. It is late morning, but I can no longer endure this pain. Heartache is the worst type of pain; there is nothing I can take to heal from it, no medication can make me better. Sleep is the only thing that can numb me. I close my eyes and succumb to the darkness.

I feel my head pounding. I turn to look at the time and it’s ten in the morning. I can feel my eyes swollen and the pain in my chest. Closing my eyes, I hope yesterday was all a bad dream. I lay my head back down and close my eyes, feeling some tears escape as they trickle down my cheeks and onto my pillow. I don’t even bother to wipe them. I don’t have the energy. I’m still in my towel and don’t care to change.

I get up from bed with what little energy I have and go to the bathroom to wash my face, debating whether or not to take some more melatonin. I don’t even bother to look at myself in the mirror, afraid of what I’ll see. So I just open the medicine cabinet and take another three pills. I walk back to my room and feel the towel fall to the floor where I leave it. I climb into bed. I hear my phone chime. I turn to grab it and see missed calls from Nix. I throw my phone and hear it hit the wall.

I go to sleep with the covers pulled over my head to cover the light, and within minutes I drift off into sleep.

“Livi, wake up. You’ve been sleeping since yesterday. Get up, get dressed, and get downstairs,” Heather demands. She gives me no time to protest. I don’t even open my eyes to look at her.

Love, laughter, and happiness are things that are no longer familiar to me. I haven’t given myself a chance to feel any emotions. I feel at loss for all things. I want nothing. No, that’s not true. I want her, my best friend, my sister. I want him, I want to feel his warmth but I can’t. I feel the sting in my eyes as they fill with tears.

It takes me a while to get out of bed. She’s right, I have been sleeping since yesterday. I don’t even know what time it is, and I realize I’m still naked. I search for my robe and put it on.

I see Heather in the hallway as I walk out.

“Good, you’re up. I was about to come drag you out of bed.”

“What day is it?” I ask.

“It’s Sunday night, and I’m taking you out for a drink, so get ready.”

I know it’s no secret what happened between Nix, Mandy, and I. Everyone heard us that morning and obviously Mandy is no longer here. I don’t know where she is, and it’s not like I care at this point.

I step into the hot shower. I’m hoping the water will help my swollen eyes. I turn the temperature up and place my hands against the wall, letting the water fall down my back. I can’t hold back the tears that begin to flow. I close my eyes, hoping that will stop them from flowing. I can’t believe love has made me weak. I wish I could be stronger. My mother was right; all a man wants is to get between my thighs, break my heart and leave me broken and weak.
Mensa
. The dumb thing is I let myself. I guess after the life my mother has lived I should’ve listened to her. I always thought she wasn’t wise, but was I wrong. I shut the shower off, step out, and look at myself in the mirror. I hate that they have made me feel insignificant, insecure, and pathetic. I look so ugly, defeated, and miserable. I stand here in front of the mirror, but I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. A knock breaks me away from the stranger I see.

“Yes?” I respond to the knock.

“Get your ass out! Happy hour is going to be over by the time you get ready,” Heather yells from behind the door.

I slowly unlock the door and step out. I drag myself to the room where I see Kylie sitting on Mandy’s bed. I sit on my bed facing her, but I can’t look at her. I feel ashamed, stupid, and naive. I know once I look up the tears will flow right out. We both sit there in silence for a few seconds longer.

“I didn’t come in here to tell you let’s go out and get drunk. I’m here because I see how much this is hurting you.” She moves to sit on my bed. We are sitting shoulder to shoulder, and I feel her put an arm around me. I lean in, allowing her to comfort me, without warning my tears begin to flow with no intention of stopping.

“I just can’t believe she did this to you.” My tears continue as I hear the words, and it makes my hurt feel like it is being magnified. “I can’t believe he did this to you.” The sound of her just talking about them stabs me in the heart.

“You know you have a right to want to seclude yourself from the world and let this all out. I know how you feel, I’ve been there,” she claims as I sit there in my robe, not caring about how I look. She’s right, I deserve to seclude myself until I can face the world. I want nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep. The hurt is too raw, and I need time to heal.

“You’re right,” I manage to say to her, my voice barely audible. I feel like I have no strength. Walking, talking, and crying feels like it’s draining me.

“You need to eat. I will get you something,” she says, and at this point I have already moved from her arms into my bed, getting ready to keep out the world.

“No, I don’t want anything. Thanks.” I know she means well, but I can’t even think of food right now.

“Livi, if you don’t eat you’ll only feel more drained, trust me. I’ll be right back.” Those two words,
trust me
, reverberate in my mind. Trust her? I don’t even know what those words mean. How can I trust someone when the ones I trusted most betrayed me? At this point I can’t even trust myself. I hear her returning but I can’t manage to sit up. She helps me by propping me up with pillows behind my back.

“Here, eat this, you’ll feel better.” She holds out a large mug with soup. I look at it for a moment and slowly begin taking small sips. She watches, making sure I’m eating. After a handful of them I can’t manage anymore and I set the mug aside. She was right, I feel a little better. My body doesn’t feel so weak.

“See, I can already see some color on your cheeks,” she says, smiling at me.

“Thanks, I guess I needed that,” I tell her, but I can’t manage a smile I want to give her.

“Livi, I know you don’t feel up to anything and I completely understand. I want to help you. I can step in for you in the sorority as the Vice President. You just need to grant me permission. I don’t want you to have to worry about that right now, you need to focus on getting better. The only way you can do that is by letting it all out. You have a right to mope, cry, and scream if you have to. But I know that the last thing on your mind is the sorority, so don’t worry, I got it.” Deep down I know she is right. I need to better myself before I can be able to take on any responsibilities.

“Okay,” is all I say. I just want her to leave so I can crawl back under my covers. I feel her weight lift off the bed and I hear her shutting the door as she exits my room. I close my eyes and darkness fills me, numbing me from all the pain.

I
t’s been 30 days, 720 hours and 43,200 minutes since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

Winter has really set upon us, and the skies have turned gloomy and grey, reflecting my soul. A coldness has swept into my inner being. The days have been endless; they run together in a never ending cycle that now marks my lonely existence. Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? That’s how I feel living in this house and going to school. I get up, drag myself to class, get home and bury myself underneath my covers seeing the days pass by.

I would feel completely robotic if I didn’t feel this oppression in my chest that doesn’t leave. Something heavy has taken residence there, making it hard to breathe. My tears never seem to end, anything triggers an outburst. I have no idea when was the last time I ate or took a shower, nor do I care. I didn’t want to go back to class the first few days, but Heather stated that I would lose my scholarship if I didn’t at least attempt to go to class, and I wouldn’t want to lose something that I worked so hard for because of a prick and his trailer trash whore.

They were not that to me. She was my sister, the only person that had been there all along, that had stayed by my side and hadn’t hurt me. The only one that was there before the armor was placed around my heart at a young age. And that prick, because saying his name is painful, was the one that cracked that armor to let the light come into my heart, the light that I craved for such a long time. Our relationship happened so fast, but I guess that is what happens when you meet the person that you might fall in love with. Time is not a factor. And I fell so hard for Nix. He made me feel loved and protected, safe for the few weeks we were together. Something I have never felt in my life, but life just keeps proving how good things are fleeting it can be to let all your defenses down before it comes in for the kill.

My mother kept telling me that no one could love something born out of sin. That I was dirty, a bastard child, and that God will never bless me with happiness. That I was destined to be like her because she was bad, too. Mother knows best. I should’ve listened to my instincts since the beginning, I should’ve kept my distance from Nix and kept going out with Brett. But I craved the light like an addiction. Ah, why am I so stupid?

I cry into my pillow for the thousandth time this month. I keep repeating every interaction that they have had together, looking for any signs that I might have missed. Am I that stupid? Was there always something between them that I didn’t see?

My heart stopped that day. There’s no rhythm, no beat, no sound left in my shattered world. How am I going to pick up all those pieces of my heart again? How am I going live without Mandy? The questions never stop from running around in my head, and my brain hasn’t taken a break since D-day. Yes that’s how I see it in my mind, when my heart was destroyed. I recap every moment that Mandy and I have had together growing up, every joy, and every heartache. We have been friends more than a decade. Her betrayal hurts the most, because she was my anchor, the soothing voice that gave comfort and hope when my mother was at her worst; she brought a little light into my life when everything around me was in shadows as it is now.

Mandy was there to keep me company so I wouldn’t fall into the shadows that surrounded my family life. Away from the drugs and following my mother’s footsteps. But my mother was right; the people you love the most hurt you the worst. Now that I need her to help me alleviate the hurt that Nix caused, she is not here because she caused that hurt with him. Kylie has been trying to fill in the place Mandy left vacant, but there is no place in my heart, because there are just pieces left and I don’t want to bring anyone in my life again.

“Nix, leave! I told you she doesn’t want to see you. I’ll call the cops,” I can hear Kylie yelling from downstairs.

“OLIVIA!” Nix yells. “God, Olivia, come down. We need to talk.”

“Just fucking leave,” I whisper to myself since I know he can’t hear me as I bury myself deeper into my bed.

That is what happens every time he comes to see me, begging for an audience. But I can’t. I am devastated. I can’t see his face because I will crumble even more. Kylie or one of the other sisters always stops him from coming to seek me out. Mandy hasn’t come to see me once. Why would she? She got what she wanted in the form of Nix.

“You and your fake ass skank can leave. Olivia doesn’t want to see or need you. So just go because I won’t hesitate to call campus police and report you for harassment,” Kylie threatens.

“Livi, please, we need to talk,” Mandy cries out. Now that’s different, she hasn’t been here before. Wonder what she wants now after being gone for so long. I want her to see the pain she has caused me by not valuing our friendship as much I as did. So I roll out of bed and head downstairs. I don’t bother checking myself in the mirror. I have lost weight and my natural brown skin looks sallow. I want them to feel ashamed and remorseful from what they did to me. To feel the pain that I feel about their betrayal.