Guardians (Seers Trilogy) (46 page)

I felt the tears slicing down my face. My stupid hands wouldn’t stop quaking. I looked at my brother. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, Sean, I can’t . . .”

His eyes rolled to meet mine. “I know,” he panted. “I know. It’s okay.”

It wasn’t. He needed me. I couldn’t help him if I was shaking. How was I ever going to help anyone again? How could I ever hope to surmount the pain of losing Kate?

Jack was kneeling at Sean’s head, placing firm hands on Sean’s shoulders.

Claire looked back at Sean. “If this works, you’ll start healing right away.”

Sean swallowed. “Yeah. And if it doesn’t, I die. Get on with it.”

Claire’s hand hovered above his chest, hesitating. She pulled in a deep breath. Then she wrapped her fingers around the hilt and slid it out cautiously.

My brother groaned deeply, but Jack kept Sean’s upper body steady. Claire tossed the bloody knife aside the moment it was free of Sean’s body and then quickly peeled the ripped part of his shirt aside, so she could look at the wound.

Her voice was marveling. “It’s closing.” Her eyes flickered up to his. “You’re going to live.”

Sean was still pulling in ragged breaths. “Yeah. Thanks.” He winced up at her. “What was your name again?”

I saw her lips twitch in a rare smile. “Claire.”

He gave a small nod and pushed himself into a sitting position.

Jack stepped back, moving out of my line of vision.

I swiped a hand over my eyes, and when I pulled it back I saw glistening moisture.

Sean’s hand was on my arm. “Go to her,” he breathed. “It’s okay. We’ll take care of the rest.”

I stared at him, helpless in that moment to form words.

His eyes tightened. “Patrick, I’m all right. Go.”

Jack’s grunt drew all our eyes. He’d stooped to the floor to retrieve Viktor’s gun. He checked it for bullets, then cocked it. He spoke to the room at large. “Where will I find that runt, Tikki, or whatever his name is?”

“Just down the hall,” my brother answered. “But I’ll go with you—there’s another Demon there, one of Selena’s.”

Claire gripped Sean’s arm and he twisted to look at her. “The twins? They’re not here? Maddy?”

He shook his head. “They’re safe at the farmhouse.”

Claire’s whole body seemed to loosen with relief.

The two stood and Sean offered me his hand. As soon as I was pulled to my feet, the door swung open.

A woman stepped warily inside, gun in hand. I saw the flash of her pink skirt, but couldn’t even think her name. It was too impossible. She was dead.

Her eyes darted toward us, the biggest cluster of people, and she sighed, lowering the gun to her side. “Oh my Oreos, thank
goodness
I don’t have to kill anyone. I was freaking out there for a minute.”

My eyes sliced to Toni, who seemed frozen, still huddled with Lee’s body. Slowly, so slowly, his head lifted—the sound of her voice the only thing that could distract him from his all-consuming grief.

Lee was now wincing at him. Tears burned visibly in her eyes. “Geez, Toni, that’s just
weird
. And gross. You’re getting my blood all over you.”

“Lee?” he gasped.

She pulled in a shaking breath. “Yeah, it’s me. I came back to save you all, but I guess you’ve got that part covered.” She was wearing the same outfit she’d died in—a fifties montage.

Toni blinked back down at her body in his arms. His gaze immediately returned to her. “But . . . You’re a Guardian?” Toni uttered, shocked.

She almost smiled. “Sure. I mean, if I didn’t come back, my mom would have found out about me dying on her. She would have killed me! This way, I have some time to ease her into the idea. As a bonus, I get to tease you for eternity.” Her words became more rushed. “Of course, I had to help Peter save Hanif first. So, sorry I’m a bit late for the whole rescue thing. And we’ve got a couple bodies upstairs. Peter killed them, so I really have no idea how to even hold a gun. The only reason I came charging in here first is we heard gunshots, and you know, I’m immortal now, and I figured I’d make a great shield for the Seers. And, really, while on the subject, I think we should all cut Peter just a little bit of slack, considering everything. And—Toni Alverez, would you
please
put down my corpse? You’re freaking me out, and I really,
really
want to kiss you right now!”

He suddenly seemed to realize this was real. She was back. He could have her for the rest of eternity, and no one could take her away. He lowered her mortal body to the ground and stood shakily. He stumbled toward her, like a starving man who’d just been offered a feast.

She was moving too, blindly pushing the gun back behind her. I glimpsed a pair of hands grab the weapon and then Lee was darting to catch Toni as he almost fell into her arms. He embraced her, sobbing, and he tried to kiss every inch of her face at the same time. He was mumbling something in Spanish, but a translation was hardly necessary. Lee buried her fingers in his thick dark hair, trying to pull him impossibly closer. She was crying, whispering his name, trying to soothe his tears. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s going to be okay.”

I looked away from them, unable to watch their reunion anymore. I was happy for them. But I couldn’t bear happiness right now. I felt as if witnessing another second of this was going to kill me. If only it
could
kill me.

Just then Hanif stuck his head inside, looking more than relieved to see us.

“Hanif . . .” Claire blinked at the sight of him, still trying to process Lee’s words. “But—Takao went to kill you. We heard the gunshot!”

Hanif slipped closer. Favoring his injured arm, his good hand gripped the door frame. “Takao
would
have killed me, And if he hadn’t, that creep Jose would have. But Peter took care of them first. And Lee showed up just in time to help.”

I stiffened at the Demon Seer’s name. “Where is he?” I demanded in a low growl.

My roughened voice drew a few looks. Sean’s was particularly wary.

Hanif raised a long hand. “Now, now, before you all go off on him, I think you should remember he saved my life. He’s in the hall, and I’ll let him come in when I think you won’t all try to kill him. Where’s Kate? I’m sure she’ll take . . . my . . .” He’d just spotted her body. He swallowed hard.

Now that my rage toward Peter was distracted I fully remembered my crippling grief. I walked slowly across the room, not caring that everyone was now eyeing me.

The room was near silent as I knelt by Kate’s side. I crouched over her, one trembling hand moving to cup the side of her face. The other lifted her hand, my fingers aching to be held by her stiff fingers. I couldn’t make myself close her eyes; that would be admitting she was gone, forever lost to me. It was better to see the glossiness, even though her empty eyes cut me to the core.

Knowing she lived on somewhere else did not give me solace. Even though I was armed with the knowledge she would be reunited with her parents, I was not comforted. Because
I
had lost her, and I was too selfish to feel happiness for those who had gained her.

I lifted her cold fingers to my lips, pressed my mouth against her skin with too much force. My other hand brushed her hair from her forehead, and that’s when I noticed the remains of the tape on my wrists were grazing against her skin. I jerked back quickly, lowered her hand so I could tear the offensive pieces off, ignoring the flash of pain as they were ripped away and tossed aside. I caught up her hand once more, pressing the back of her hand against my lips. Trembling fingers settled back against her face, wandered over her parted lips. Her beautiful face was frozen, not reacting to my touch.

I choked on a fresh wave of tears. I could feel them streaking down my face, see them splashing onto her still hand. I honestly couldn’t stop trembling.

I released Kate’s hand once more, only to slip my own beneath her limp body. I lifted her into the cradle of my arms, still kneeling, nearly crushing her against my chest.

I felt someone brush up behind me. A hand pressed to my shoulder. A curtain of pink sank beside me. “Oh gosh.” Lee’s voice was heavy with emotion. “Kate . . .
Kate
.” Her voice pinched off. I lifted my eyes and saw Lee’s face, covered in tears; she had one shaking hand clasped over her mouth. Toni was stooped behind her, hands on her shoulders, unwilling to lose contact with her.

“Oh Patrick,” Lee’s voice hitched. She lowered her hand and looked right at me. “I’m so . . . so sorry.”

I pinched my eyes closed. “Please. I . . .”

Lee was crying, unable to speak. Her hand was on Kate’s arm.

Toni’s fingers flexed their hold on Lee. “Of course,” he mumbled toward me.

Sean stepped up to us. He extended his arms, silently offering to help lift her. He understood my intentions: my need to mourn her alone.

Lee backed away with Toni, arms wrapped tightly around each other as Sean helped me up from the floor with Kate. Once I was standing I pulled her tightly against my body. I could carry her. I needed to hold her.

Sean nodded almost imperceptively, honoring my silent wish. He stepped around me, moving for my open bedroom. I followed him.

I knew there were bodies littering this room, but I wasn’t going to worry about them. Let one of the other Guardians handle it. I didn’t want the responsibility. I was done with this day. Done with this whole life. I was no longer a Guardian. I was a broken man. Nothing more. I’d given everything I could give—I could give no more. Kate . . .
No more.

This was
my
time. I wasn’t going to think about anyone else’s pain at losing her. Not Lee’s, not her grandmother’s, not Jenna’s, not Josie’s. For this frozen moment, this last moment, Kate was completely mine.

I stepped into the room, which appeared largely how I’d left it. Only now some of her things littered the floor and the blankets on the mattress I recognized as hers. I barely reacted to the fresh wave of pain the sight of her things brought me.

I laid her on the bed, cringing when her head fell back and I didn’t have a free hand to catch it. Sean’s hand flashed beside me, reaching out and slipping under her hair, supporting her. He helped me settle her against the mattress before reaching for one of the blankets folded up at the end of the bed.

I grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “No. Not that one.” I couldn’t soil one of her blankets. It would be criminal to ruin something of hers, something that held her memory.

Somehow, Sean understood my logic. He cast his eyes around the room, spotting a white sheet wadded up in the corner; I’d stripped the bed but hadn’t bothered to wash the bedding before leaving.

Sean retrieved the sheet and helped fold it around her, knowing from my silence that he shouldn’t cover her head. Shielding her face from me would have been beyond unbearable.

Once she was wrapped, he straightened and put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Patrick,” he repeated.

I didn’t reply to his mumbled words.

He released me and moved back. He paused at the doorway, his voice soft. “I’ll keep the others out while you say good-bye.”

“Thank you,” I forced myself to whisper.

He closed the door, and I was alone. Completely alone.

I knelt on the floor beside her, my hands clasped behind my head, my forearms crushing against my skull in a desperate hold. My elbows were touching—my head was pounding under the pressure. I was gasping—hyperventilating. I couldn’t breathe. My lungs felt like they were going to burst. My tense body was going to explode.

But I wouldn’t explode with the pain. I wouldn’t die. I
couldn’t.

I would never hear her laugh again, never hear her whisper my name. I would never feel her fingers curl around mine. Her warm lips would never touch mine again. She would never cock her head to the side and squint at me, in that way that was uniquely hers. She would never smile at me or confide in me her fears and dreams. She would never do anything. She would just lie here, motionless, lifeless. She was all I had to hold on to—the only thing keeping me from total madness. And her heart would never beat again.

I would be crippled by this pain until the end of time. There would be no release. I could scream. I could curse. But I would not die.

Insanity was something all men feared. It was instinctual to fear the loss of memories and reason. And yet, at this moment—as my sanity was being drained, but nowhere near quickly enough—I only prayed that insanity would take me completely. Perhaps if I was insane, I could forget her. Perhaps if I were mad, I wouldn’t feel like this. This torment would vanish, because I would not remember her. I would not remember anything.

I had never so desperately longed for Heaven. For the sweet escape of death. Not once in two centuries—decades of years, full of regrets—had I ever regretted my fate so entirely. I’d never seen the senselessness of eternal life so vividly.

If I was not personally living this agony, I would not believe such hopeless, raw torture was possible. To suffer this much, and still live on; it was impossible.
Should
have been impossible. No one should experience this and survive. It was unnatural.

No word could define my pain. No measurement could describe the depth of my loss. No medication could ease this rending of my heart, mind, body, and soul. I couldn’t do anything but hold her and weep.

So that’s what I did.

I crawled onto the bed beside her, uncaring about what others might think. She was not just a dead body. She was Kate. There was nothing sick or wrong about my lying beside her. It was natural. Instinctual. It was the only comfort I could see.

It was a feeble balm.

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her body up against the length of mine. She was too cold. Too stiff. But she was here. She was real. I could hold her . . . She might have only been sleeping—peacefully dreaming. She could wake up. She could come back.

My breathing was slowing. Becoming more even. Maybe I was growing numb. But if that was the case, why was I still burning with pain and guilt?

I buried my face in her hair, pulling in her distinct smell. It lingered strongly, even when she didn’t. It seemed wrong. Horribly wrong.