Guilty (13 page)

17.

The dark secret. It lurked. It greeted her each morning when she awoke, a worried thought which stole the thrill of each new day, even when something exciting was happening. It whispered to her that she would have to reveal its existence one day. It refused to be hidden for a lifetime. It resembled a centipede; there would be a leg in everybody’s life once it chose to wake up and crawl.

She shuddered yet again as she awoke. Shame, deceit, lust, greed, disgust, madness – she could chant each negative attribute off on some kind of prayer beads.

“What a tangled web we weave. When we first practise to deceive” – if only she had made this her motto for life. Would it have been best to declare the truth from day one but then when was day one? If the truth had been declared back then, Bri and Oliver would never have existed. That in itself was unthinkable and gave her the courage to argue back, “I had no choice then and I have no choice now but to continue this charade.”

With new determination she would get up and face the new day.

Simon had never doubted, never noticed anything amiss! He had been proud, overjoyed, fully accepting the delayed blessings of her two pregnancies. He saw his nose in Bri, his patience in Oliver – children do often become images of their adoptive parents. Sadie had filled her so deeply. Her desire for another Sadie was insatiable.

Daydreams were the zygote which developed into her full-blown plan. Dan must have been so fertile; thoughts of what more of his offspring would look like took breath as she stared lovingly into Sadie’s blue eyes, as she ran her fingers through her silky brown hair. Beautiful genes had produced this beautiful baby.

She convinced herself it would be the right thing to meet him again. Sadie would, one day, need to know her roots. She was doing this for her precious daughter as she secretly tracked him down.

She recalled how Dan’s eyes mirrored Sadie’s; the crystal clear gems searched her soul. At this stage he was still drug-free, smart, and handsome. His manipulation, disguised by the flirtatious body language, the gorgeous smile, the suggested financial security hinted at by his smart apparel. A fashionable checked shirt, tucked into his tight jeans, revealing his slender waist and hips, a tweed-effect jacket, black cowboy boots, buckets of aftershave, she recognised it as one of Simon’s favourites. It took her breath away when she came to her senses and wondered exactly why she had arranged this meeting. What would be his reaction to the fact he had parented her child?

Dan had been so relaxed, a laugh a minute, and he was desperate to see photos of Sadie. She was cursing herself, what had she been thinking? What on earth would Simon say, this additional daddy invited into his daughter’s life. Suppose he took over, suppose in a few years Sadie wanted to be with him. Mad, she was surely mad, she berated herself. She hadn’t brought photos, it had all been about satisfying her own curiosity. What genie had she let out of the bottle? If only she could pop him back in. She had to buy herself time. She steered the conversation back to him as she desperately thought of ways she could back out of this tryst and never have contact again. “Talk about impulsive,” she reprimanded herself as she began to wonder if she was mentally ill to have ever put any of this into action.

Dan was well away; he loved the attention. She had no way of knowing at this point that she was feeding his ego so very, very well. He too had no real desire, past curiosity, to be involved in his brat’s life but he had seen his chance for money here. Caroline was well-heeled and he was already an expert at blackmail; how else could he afford his Burberry jacket?

She was still “fit”. He was quite surprised. In some ways he saw it as a challenge. Bed again the mother of his child. Somehow it seemed his right, to him. She had his child. Let her have something else!

He knew how to work people. Flatter her, show lots of interest in her child.

The chemistry, she couldn’t deny it. It felt like a drug. Her mind was instructing her to get the hell out of here while she could but her heart was beating fast. “A coffee?” – He knew just where to start. Memories!

“One coffee can’t do any harm” she promised herself. “It’ll give me a chance to think of a good excuse not to meet again”

He paid her so much attention again in those tea rooms. The perfect gentleman, so on her wavelength. He persuaded her he needed to see Sadie.

“McDonalds,” she finally agreed “2 p.m. next Saturday” She convinced herself: “How could I deny those piercing blue eyes the chance to meet their own flesh and blood?”

Thankfully Sadie was too young for Caroline to fear any reference could be made to the visit. Simon, what would he think of her if he knew? She didn’t dare to think things through. Playing with fire or what? Should she tell him? Almost, she almost did. But she was going just this once, and then it would all be over. She couldn’t let the nagging voice speak. “How are you going to get him to accept he won’t be seeing Sadie again?” the muffled voice crept into her consciousness. She refused to acknowledge it. She would sort something out.

She allowed her imagination some free rein. How would he greet Sadie? Ever the romantic, she had run through several possible scenarios. Her favourite one involved him swinging her round in his arms, hugging her, enthusing about her beauty. But then each daydream splintered into a thousand shreds because they could not possibly be allowed to take root. Where would all this take her? Her life would be like a deck of cards, one whiff to Simon of this mischief she was encountering so willingly and all would come crashing down around her.

Somehow there was no stopping her.

He didn’t disappoint her. Sadie, Sadie and more of Sadie. He appeared to adore her. Thousands of compliments. Caroline swelled with motherly pride. How was she to know it was all rehearsed? Surprisingly he suggested they meet next at a wine bar, the following Tuesday evening, just the two of them. She accredited him with empathy for that suggestion. He had obviously accepted his rightful place now in his daughter’s life and it gave her a glimmer of hope that he wasn’t going to interfere. Relieved, she found herself gratefully accepting the invitation.

“You smell nice,” Simon had complimented her. “You look pretty hot too,” he teased her as he zipped up for her the figure-hugging black jersey dress. “Enjoy yourself with the girls,” he called as she crept down the stairs desperately trying not to wake Sadie.

“Do you need any extra cash?” he leant over the bannister, whispering as she was slipping on her black kitten heels. He might as well have thrown a blanket of shame down the stairs. Her hand hovered. She had often wondered since how close she really had been to replacing her door key on the mahogany bookcase in the hallway and to feigning a headache. It had been in her power alone to halt things that night but she had gone. The guilt had taken flesh and there was then no turning back.

The wine had weaved its magic and, in accordance with Dan’s plan, Caroline had slipped beneath his bed sheets in the apartment his “friend” happened to own in close proximity to the wine bar. Relaxed by the alcohol, he had managed to evade the questions and Caroline had assumed that as he led them up the marble stairs to the apartment with authority and a key that he owned the place. Through the rose tinted spectacles provided by the drink she admired his choice of chic décor. She could not stay the night, departing in a taxi at her usual witching time on a typical girls’ night out.

Colours. The magical blue in the window of the little wand she had nervously held under her flow when she was overdue. The true drab and dismal colours Dan had begun to show after she had slept with him five more times.

The arrogance, the bullying rearing its head, the torments, or were they threats that he was going to turn up at their house to see his daughter? He had the photos he had taken of Sadie when Caroline had begrudgingly agreed to a visit to the park. Strangely though, once there he had not shown much interest or joy in pushing her buggy. As he snapped away she couldn’t help but observe the stone-cold eyes behind the lens. The resulting pictures weren’t displayed in his wallet with pride but thrust at Caroline as evidence which he could show to Simon. She was becoming scared of him. She definitely wanted out. She had a trophy of him. She was ecstatic but he wasn’t to know she was pregnant. She had no doubt he had fathered this tremendous gift but she had fallen into a quagmire and she needed an emergency exit.

She had no option but to quit immediately. He had his figure waiting. If he had known about the fruit in her womb he would have trebled his price. She could meet his demands but she wanted a final price. She was streetwise enough to know she had to find some way to ensure this was a one-off payment. She agreed to double his price. Was this a foolhardy or a winning move on the chessboard?

Simon had cried when his prayers had finally been answered. He presented her with a ruby and diamond eternity band engraved with the date Caroline had broken the news to him that one of his sperm had eventually scored!

He was so protective of her. He cooked; he massaged her back throughout the morning sickness, phoning in late to the office, refusing to leave her until he was sure she was feeling better. Laundry, hovering, dusting, shopping, he insisted on encompassing every task he could. Little Sadie, his constant beloved companion, as he excelled in all his new tasks.

A couple of love birds as Caroline served her penance. She made Simon into a god, worshipping the ground he walked on. Her heart held hatred for her deceit but justification because it had resulted in this incredible joy. Their love for Sadie knew no bounds and because of this they behaved quite placidly about this pregnancy. Sadie was like their own flesh to them and so this new baby was entering a serene existence, overindulgence not a feature. In a way they had already been there and done that.

As they held the tiny bundle called Bri, each used the other arm to hug tight the tiny toddler, Sadie, extra tight, a hug that promised she would always be their firstborn.

Like a child in a sweet shop eagerly eyeing which candy they will choose next, Caroline constantly fell prey to the desire to seek out Dan one more time. One more pregnancy and she would cut all ties. Her heart knew no true repentance. Her desire for another child was innate and respected no boundaries. The guilt had many hidden pockets in which to hide her sins. In later years she would sit and wonder how she could have been so disloyal to all Simon’s adoration but the guilt always argued back. Without her failings their ideal family would never have existed.

She was shocked. The change in such a short space of time. He no longer attempted to disguise his drug habits and his alcohol intake. His face bore deep lines already. Her greed forced her on despite the fact there was now no chemistry between them.

His desperation to fund his next fix instructed him to try the blackmail yet again. She had to tread carefully. Pretence that it was him that she had returned for had to be her priority. He must not get a hint that it was his sperm alone. He didn’t seem to question that Simon had fathered her recent child. This time she felt physically repulsed by him. Her acting skills were put to the test as was her tolerance. Her guilt refused to acknowledge that this was little different to prostitution. He was so doped that there was no fear that he would have the capability of tracking her down once she had her prize.

Crikey, she was so fertile. She knew even before she missed, a mother’s intuition. She thanked her lucky stars that his lifestyle had clearly not yet affected the quality of his sperm.

Simon’s smile covered his face permanently for the first few weeks. One hundred per cent, she put one hundred per cent into everything she did for Simon and the children. Desperately she turned to religion for atonement.

Sleepless nights, the torment of all she had lowered herself to, led her to the whitewashed church. Rev Tu seemed to sense her need. He assured her of his confidentiality. Even though he wasn’t Catholic he accepted her confession after confession. He instructed her on how to start anew to accept forgiveness by first forgiving herself.

Could she promise there would be no more adultery? Adultery, such a strong word. She’d never thought of it as adultery. There had never been any emotional, spiritual or mental union but yes, obviously physical. That word was like a knife to her heart. What had she done? Rev Tu guided her to firmer ground. Her faith had taken seed and was genuine.

Oliver was christened by Rev Tu. Caroline was confirmed.

The years had been healing. Dan had never resurfaced until Caroline had felt it was the one thing Sadie needed. She no longer feared Simon finding out so Dan had no power over her any more. She was a new reformed woman, forgiven by her saviour. She felt no connection to Dan; it was as if they had never been. Until his death and then the wounds of her turmoils were ripped open. Like them all she drowned in the grief of Molly’s butchering.

But now as Bri lay in his coma and Oliver sat at his feet she was awakened to the realisation that her redemption finally called for her to reveal the truth. It was a simple dawning, somehow symbolising her purity of spirit. It called for a simple revelation.

She reached for Oliver’s hand and pulled him to his feet. Something in him seemed to understand and he willingly let her pull him to his feet and lead him to Bri’s pillow. She placed Oliver’s hand in Bri’s and left it there as she unclasped the silver chain from around her neck. She opened the locket and Sadie’s face smiled out. Oliver stood motionless as she bound their arms with the chain.