Guilty Needs (2 page)

She opened her eyes and smiled at Bree. “I had a visitor this morning—Danny Gleason.”

“Danny Gleason…” Bree ran the name through her mind and finally came up with a face just barely remembered. High school. Major punk, into drugs, into alcohol—then a DUI had put him in the hospital and he’d ended up getting his left leg amputated. Sometime during his recovery, he’d “found God”. Shit. Narrowing her eyes, Bree shoved upright in the bed and demanded, “Was he out here bothering you?”

Alyssa laughed and patted Bree’s hand. “Calm down, Bree. He came out here because I had Colby ask him to. I…” her voice trailed off and she shrugged. “I had some questions. He’s the kind of man with the answers to those questions. I’ve been so scared, but I’m not so scared now.”

“After talking with Danny one time?” Bree winced immediately and wished she could take the words back. Hell, what did it matter if Alyssa found some sort of comfort in the life-after-death speech? What did it matter if she believed some ancient fairy tale about everlasting life, forgiveness and salvation? If it gave her comfort, what did it matter?

Sighing, she shoved a hand through her short, spiked hair and said, “I’m sorry, Alyssa.”

Alyssa shook her head. “There no reason to be sorry. And yeah, one talk. But sometimes, just one talk can make all the difference. I’m not scared now—and I’m not so angry either.”

“You haven’t been angry, but hell, don’t you think you’re entitled?”

“What good does it do me?” Alyssa countered. “And yes, I’ve been angry. I lay awake at night, cussing everything I can possibly think of. But it doesn’t make it any better and it doesn’t make it even easier. It doesn’t change anything, Bree. I hate being angry, I hate wasting what little time I’ve got left that way.”

That was so totally Alyssa. If it didn’t change things, didn’t improve things, she didn’t want to waste her time with it. Bree, on the other hand, nursed her anger, nursed her grudges, didn’t waste her time giving a smile to a stranger because she had too much on her mind
.

In so many ways, Alyssa was the better person. It shouldn’t be Alyssa lying in this bed, but Bree. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re here for Alyssa right now, not a pity party. She forced herself to smile and hope it didn’t look as fake as it felt
.

But one look at Alyssa assured Bree that smile definitely wasn’t fooling her. “Maybe I should give Danny a call, see if it can make me not so damn angry.”

“You like being angry,” Alyssa reminded her. Then she shifted on the bed and reached for the little gadget hooked up to her pain medication. It was narcotics, the kind that would put a grown man to sleep. The dosage was patient-controlled and Alyssa pushed the button with a sigh. “I hate needing this stuff.”

Her lids drooped low over her eyes and Bree waited, wondering if the medicine was going to knock Alyssa out, but it didn’t. She suspected the pain was just getting too bad for medication to control. “Do you need me to get some ice? A blanket?”

“No. Just that favor.”

Reaching for Alyssa’s hand, she said, “Name it.”

“It’s about Colby.”

Bree’s heart skipped then started to beat faster, faster, until it all but choked her. She schooled her features, years of practice keeping her from reacting, other than her racing heart. “What about him? He’ll be fine, Alyssa. I’ll be here if he needs me, but he’s going to be fine.”

“Sooner or later, yeah. I know he will. And so will you. But that’s not it.” She wiggled around and said, “Help me sit up, will you? I’m so damn tired of lying down.”

A few minutes later, several pillows plumped up behind her back and the head of the bed elevated, Alyssa sighed. “Oh, that’s better. I might make Colby take me out to the garden later. I’ve missed working in it.”

“I bet your flowers miss you working on them. Colby’s doing what he can, but he doesn’t have a green thumb. I offered to help but he said he’d rather do it.”

A grin tugged Alyssa’s lips. “For me.” She sighed, gazing out the window at the riot of colors blooming. “Maybe later you can take care of it. I know he’s not going to keep messing with it after.”

“Consider it done.”

Silence fell and Bree found herself uncomfortable with it, nervous. It was weird, feeling nervous like this with her best friend. They didn’t constantly need the silence filled, but today, it felt different. Edgy. Heavy
.

A minute later, though, Bree wished for the awkward silence again. Her heart slammed up into her throat, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep her reaction under control. Hell, she couldn’t say anything
.

Patiently, Alyssa repeated the question she’d asked only seconds earlier. “Do you love Colby?”

Some trite lie formed on the tip of her tongue. Of course I love him—he’s your husband and that makes him almost a brother to me. But she couldn’t. It was just too wrong—lying to her dying friend, claiming to feel a fraternal emotion toward a man who inspired anything but fraternal thoughts. In the end, all she could do was just sit there and blink away tears
.

“What’s going on, Lys?” she asked woodenly
.

“I’m taking care of unfinished business—namely you and Colby. You do love him, don’t you?”

Mute, Bree nodded. The knot in her throat was so damn huge, it felt as though she was going to choke on it
.

It was words, she realized. Apologies that she should have given long ago. “I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I just…I can’t…I…I…” Jerking her hands away, she covered her face and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Why? I love him. I know how damn easy he is to love.”

“He’s your husband, damn it. I shouldn’t…”

“You can’t control who you love. It’s not something we’re given a choice in, Bree. And it’s not something we should choose. Why be sorry for something you can’t control? You’ve never done anything about it, you’ve hidden it, you’ve never let it come between us. It’s not as if you ever tried to take him away from me.”

Appalled, Bree stared at Alyssa. “Why would I? He loves you. He—”

The faint smile on Alyssa’s mouth had Bree swallowing the rest of her words
.

“I know.” Shaking her head, Alyssa said, “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Although it wasn’t a question, Bree couldn’t help but respond to it anyway. “I never did anything, Lys. I swear, I never—”

“Bree. I know,” Alyssa said softly. She held out her hand—thin, frail and trembling
.

But when Bree linked their hands, she felt as though she was the weak one. Physically, emotionally and mentally. “You’re not mad at me? Why aren’t you mad at me?”

“No, I’m not mad. Hell, Bree, how could I be mad?”

“I don’t get how you can’t be mad.” Sick inside, humiliated, scared, miserable, Bree tried to pull away. “I’m sorry.” She couldn’t think of anything else to say
.

Alyssa, impatient as ever, rolled her eyes. “Enough with the ‘I’m sorry’ crap, Bree. It’s okay. I’m not mad. I just…well, look. I know you love him. That’s why I know I can ask this…favor.”

“Favor.” Wary, Bree pushed off the bed and backed away. Tucking her hands into her pockets, she asked, “I think you need to explain about this favor.”

“I don’t want Colby to be alone,” Alyssa said quietly. Her voice was faint, a bare echo of the deep, throaty purr it had been since her mid-teens. But for all its softness, it was firm. And certain. Very, very certain. “He deserves a happy life, but I know him. He’s going to lock himself away over this and brood. And brood. And brood and brood. You get the point.”

“He’s good at brooding. But he’ll be okay.”

“You don’t seem to get what I’m wanting here.”

Rolling her eyes, Bree said, “That’s because you haven’t asked me for anything. I’m not quite the mind-reader you are.”

Alyssa smiled. “That’s just because you like being the stubborn type. If you weren’t so damn stubborn, you’d know what I was getting at. I want you…with Colby.”

“With Colby.” Bree blinked, the words rattling around in her mind, but not connecting, not making any sense. “What do you mean?

“I mean, I want you with Colby,” Alyssa said
.

Bree’s jaw dropped. Alyssa grinned
.

“What in the hell are you talking about?”

“I want him happy. I don’t want him hooking up with some money grubber and I don’t want him spending his life alone.”

“Alyssa, he’s thirty years old. He’s got…” her voice trailed off. Man, it just seemed so damn wrong to talk about this right now. With Alyssa dying and her husband out chasing after lime sherbet for her
.

“I know he’s young. I know he’s got time. But life’s precious. It wasn’t until this happened that I realized just how precious it is. I don’t want him to waste a minute of it. Colby, he’s every bit as stubborn as you are. Remember how long it took him to ask me out?”

“Nearly a year.” They said it together. Colby was the classic sexy geek come to life. A computer whiz, a science-fiction buff, a state chess champion and he was also an all-star athlete. Between his SATs and his ability on the basketball court and track, he’d gotten a full scholarship
.

The three of them had grown up together and sometime during their freshman year, the two girls had both noticed how cute the brainy geek from eighth grade had gotten. It was Alyssa, though, who went after him. And Alyssa he fell in love with. She’d chased after him most their freshman year and just after tenth grade started, he finally asked her out. They’d been together ever since and Bree had spent most of that time in quiet envy. It might have been enough to break the friendship of some girls, but although Bree had privately fallen more and more in love with Colby, Alyssa was the sister she’d never had and she wasn’t about to lose that
.

“Alyssa, you know I’d do anything for you, but you’re asking me for something that’s not in my control. What do you want me to do, show up here and tell him you want me to be with him so he doesn’t grow old alone? So he isn’t lonely or spending hours on end brooding? I can’t control that. Besides, why in the hell would he want me? He has to want me, or it doesn’t matter…” she trailed off, licked her lips and reminded herself that Alyssa already knew. It wasn’t such a secret anymore. “It doesn’t matter that I love him, unless he wants that from me.”

“And I think he will. You asked why in the hell he would want you, but I’ve got a better question. Why wouldn’t he?” Her lids drooped and her voice started to slur from exhaustion
.

“You need to get some rest, Alyssa.”

“I’ve got plenty of time for that. Not so much for this.” She started to shiver, though. Bree grabbed the blanket and tucked it around Alyssa’s thin body. “I know I can’t control him. But I also know him. He’s going to hide—either in his work or in anything else that distracts him. Don’t let him hide, and when the time is right, I want you to do the same damn thing I did. Go after him.”

“You’d think, after twenty-five years, you couldn’t surprise me, Lys.” Shaking her head, Bree started to pace the room, staying close by the bed and keeping an eye on her friend. But she just couldn’t stand still. Not right now. “But I don’t get it. I can’t understand this.”

“There’s nothing complicated about it. I want the two of you happy. You’re my best friend, he’s my husband—I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you two. Why wouldn’t I want you to be happy?”

“I couldn’t do this—if we were switched, I know I couldn’t do this.”

Alyssa smiled. “Baby, I think you probably could…but I’m glad it’s me. And not you.”

Snarling, Bree demanded, “How in the hell can you say that? It damn well should be me. It’s not like I’ve got a man who’s going to grieve if I die. The only important person I’d leave behind is you. Damn it, it should be me!”

“No. If it should be you, it would be— Bree, I’m glad it’s not.” She closed her eyes and a heavy, sighing breath escaped her. “I’m not as strong as you are, Bree. I’d break. If I had to watch this happen to you, watch this happen to anybody I love,
I’d break. I’d do exactly what most of my other friends have done and just disappear. I couldn’t handle it. But you can. You’re strong, Bree. You always have been.”

You’re wrong, Bree wanted to say
.

But Alyssa was already asleep
.

Blinded by tears, half-sick with guilt and disgust and despair, Bree headed for the door. She had to get out of here. Get on her bike, crank it up and let the wind blow it all away. If she went fast enough, far enough, maybe she could escape it
.

You’re strong, Bree. You always have been. Shit, what a pathetic joke
.

She plowed straight into a rock-hard chest. Jerking away, she mumbled, “Sorry,” and tried to go around Colby but he caught her arm. Heat flared along her skin where he touched her. As guilty as she felt, she loved the feel of his body touching hers, even a touch as innocent as this
.

“Bree, are you okay?” His tawny eyes left her face, looking toward the room he shared with Alyssa. “Is Lys…?”

Forcing a smile, she said, “She’s asleep. I’m just… I just need to breathe.”

His fingers fell away from her arm, but before she could escape, he rested his hand on her shoulder. Through her T-shirt, she could feel the heat of him, the strength. His thumb swept along her skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake and Bree flushed painfully red. Tucking her chin against her chest, she held still, tried not to breathe, not to move
.

“It’s hard.”

Startled, Bree looked up at him. He had that lopsided smile that Bree had so fallen in love with, but it was sad. “Watching her day after day, seeing how much she hurts and how tired she is. Some of our friends, well…they can’t take it.
They’ve pretty much stopped coming over. Some of them don’t even call any more. You don’t know how much it means to us that you keep coming over every day.”