Hanging by a Moment (From this Moment Book 1)
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Authors: Eva Walker
Hanging by a Moment
From this Moment, Book #1
Eva Walker
Hanging by a Moment
Copyright 2015 Eva Walker
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any
form whatsoever. For information, contact Eva Walker.
ISBN: 978-1-310-35168-6
Table of Contents
My gray eyes are swollen and I can feel them stinging. My head hurts and I will for the pain to go away. I try to concentrate on watching the heavy rain hitting hard against the glass pane of the cottage window. Wrapping my arms tight around myself, I am reminded how the rain looks like little streams, as it rolls down the cold glass – just like the tears rolling down my hot burning cheeks.
“Why does everyone I love leave me?” I ask out loud, even though there is no one here to answer me.
I am all by myself.
Alone.
Once again.
Rejected by the people I love.
I clench my eyes shut. And try to mentally block out the sad story of my life. If only the last two years can be erased.
A sob escapes my lips, then another and another. This dreadful ache in my chest, this devastation – like a hundred knives twisting into my heart - I have never experienced before. The pain pounding through every organ of mine as I weep uncontrollably for the love I have lost. I can’t control the tremors rocking my body as I lose myself as the past comes flooding back.
Ethan was not supposed to leave me. We were together for two years... undoubtedly the best two years of my life. We planned on graduating Midland Falls University the following year together. And then we were going to move back to Manhattan... together. Everything was perfect and for the first time in my life I was happy and in love.
I loved Ethan with every cell in my body. He was my world, he was everything. But then fate intervened... again... and made sure he too was taken away from me. Forever.
And now here I am at MFU alone. With just my memories to remind me of what I once had.
I remember that day, that horrible devastating afternoon a few weeks ago - the events that left me crushed as my life changed and there was not a damn thing I could do. I was powerless to the forces of nature.
It all comes flooding back to me as if it were yesterday. I still remember every word we spoke and every painful ache. A day I would like to permanently erase from my memory. I never knew it was humanly possible to experience so much heart ache like I did on that one fateful day.
****
Having just finished our usual relaxing Sunday picnic at a park near our college, Ethan turns to look at me with a very troubled expression in his chocolate brown eyes. He is wearing the black Metallica T-shirt I got for him last Christmas. It always looked so good on him, fitting him snug around his broad chest and showing off his biceps perfectly.
Sitting across me on the bright yellow picnic blanket, he stretches his long muscular denim clad legs in front of him and crosses his ankles as he runs his hand through his ruffled dark blonde hair. I watch him as he shakes his head and chews on his bottom lip. He clenches his eyes shut as he sighs.
Opening his eyes, he looks disturbed. I know this look, I have seen it before... when something is bothering him. We have been together for two years and I have enjoyed every minute of being with him. Having always felt like I was missing something - apart from a real family - Ethan was like a gift from God. Always there for me, he made me feel like I belonged.
His voice is low when he speaks to me with the words that are to dismantle my life in a totally unexpected way. “My dad’s got a transfer to Switzerland.”
I am stunned into complete silence. All I can do is look at him with my eyes wide open, unable to say anything. I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.
Ethan’s relationship with his parents have been somewhat strained during his teen years, mostly due to him messing up in high school. The ultimate bad boy - alcohol, drugs and too much partying sent his life into a downward spiral for most of his teenage years. But that all changed when he lost his brother in a dreadful motor vehicle accident just before his senior year in high school. The painful shock of losing his best friend resulted in him taking stock of his life and he immediately grew up and matured. He finally agreed to see a therapist his family doctor recommended. And thanks to this therapist who assisted him to get his life sorted out and back on track.
And now to have his parents move off half way across the globe, I know it is not going to be easy for him. His relationship with his parents had improved significantly and they were pretty tight as a family over the last few years. And I was happy for him. But right now, I feel sorry for him.
I can only hope that their departure is not going to set him back. God I hope not.
Looking at his handsome face, I can see the turmoil in his brown eyes and it is plain to see how unhappy the situation has made him. His small family have been through enough heartache... having one son taken away from them unexpectedly and to leave another to move to a different continent. He continues to speak as I watch him. The next few words that come out of his mouth are all a blur as I am unable to process what he says.
“And we are leaving at the end of next week.”
What?
My mind freezes on the word ‘we’ – surely he can’t mean himself.
Oh God no!
I want to scream but my voice seems to be stuck in my throat. I feel like a deflating hot air balloon as everything inside of me shrinks and all the air is being sucked out of me as I try to speak. Has my mind has just played an awful trick on me? I heard him incorrectly, I tell myself. That must be it.
I must have been quiet for way too long because I hear Ethan trying to coax a response out of me.
“Say something. Em?”
I lick my dry lips. This just cannot be happening. But one look at Ethan’s wounded expression and I know my worst fears are coming true.
I barely recognise the sound of my voice, it sounds so alien. “Y-you’re leaving with them?” I stutter.
Ethan rubs his face with his hands. “Hey, we will still be in contact... we’ll talk every day, maybe twice a day. And we can Skype plus I can fly down during holidays. You won’t even realise how far away I am.” He tries to play down the situation as best he can, making it sound like he’s just moving to another state and not another continent.
My mind is screaming at me...
Switzerland is not a state in North America.
I know this can’t be good. Everyone knows long distance relationships don’t last. And I know I’m going to lose him. The thought itself makes me feel like someone has ripped out my heart and chopped it up into a million pieces before soaking it with gasoline and setting it alight. Right here on the green grass as I watch it burn.
I feel my body trembling as I fix my gaze on him, the tears pricking the back of my eyes. That familiar feeling is back... as if I am being rejected again.
No! There has to be a way. I will not let this happen. I will fight. No, we will fight this together. And then a light goes off in my head.
“But we are living in a dorm here, surely you can stay back. You can fly to Switzerland to visit your parents whenever. You don’t have to leave.” I plead with him looking at every possible reason to keep him here with me. This sounds like a good plan and I am sure we can make this arrangement work.
He slowly uncrosses his ankles and stands up. He takes the three steps needed to stand in front of me. He holds out his hands in front of me to help me up.
I place my fingers in his large warm hands and grip them tightly, allowing him to pull me up, to stand in front of him with our faces inches apart. I know deep down in my broken heart that this is a battle I am going to lose. Hell I lost it even before I tried to win. Ethan will not do anything to jeopardise the relationship he worked so hard to build with his parents. Their approval means the world to him. And there is no way in hell they will leave him behind and move away.
But I have to at least try to reason with him. I don’t know how to survive without him. How do I go on?
During the two years I have known Ethan, I knew how much he wanted to reconcile his troubled relationship with his parents. He worked so hard over the last few years to rehabilitate himself and gain their acceptance. And now it was obvious, they have forgiven him for all his earlier bad behaviour. And most of all, his parents want him with them. Unlike mine.
Standing in front of me, cupping my face in his gentle warm hands, he looks at me with sad eyes. “Em, you know how much I love you?”
I nod. I can sense the ‘but’ hanging around here, even before he says it. I pray he doesn’t say it.
“But I am ready to go home. I have been here for two years and yes... I do want to leave.” His thumb gently strokes my face catching my falling tears. “But I am not leaving you.” He lowers his head to mine, touching our foreheads and looks into my eyes.
I can’t stop the tears that spill down my cheeks like little streams of rivers and his hands pull me closer into him until my head is resting against his hard muscled chest. He cradles me tightly and I hear the loud beat of his heart mirroring my own.
“Em, I’ll always love you.” He says gruffly. “And I’ll be back for you. This is only temporary.” His words meant to soothe me only make me cry harder, my body shaking violently against his. His arms tighten their hold almost possessively as he presses me into him.
Unable to change his mind, I give up trying.
We had just one week together before he had to leave. And I knew the right thing to do was to set him free... no matter how badly that was going to crush me, I had to do it. I had to find the strength to do it. He is bound to meet someone else and I do not want to stand in his way to finding true lasting happiness.
The least I could do was set him free now, instead of suffering more heart ache later. Just the thought of Ethan with someone else brings fresh hot tears to my hurt eyes. He holds me until I cannot cry anymore.
****
For the remainder of the following week we spent all our time with each other. On our second last day together and unable to bear it anymore, I suggest we go our separate ways. I lie to him telling him that it will be easier for me if we break up now so I will not miss him too much.
But Ethan refuses to hear me out. He insists that his going away is a temporary setback and that he will return to me.
I know better.
****
Finally, the day arrives and we say our last goodbyes. I watch as everything plays out like a slow motion movie – one that I’m starring in. Ethan’s parents arrive to pick him up and I watch their little family looking so happy together. Ethan however looks torn as his parents smile sadly at me.
I know deep down I have made the right decision even though every part of my body hurts and I feel totally devastated. I pray that Ethan made the right decision and that he will be happy. I pray that I will have the will power to survive this.
I remember when the limo left the yard. I remember running to my room crying hysterically. I remember my best friend slipping into bed beside me and cradling me the entire night. I remember crying myself to sleep that night.
As the days dragged on, so did I.