Authors: Ellen Wittlinger
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Social Themes, #Friendship, #Family, #Parents, #Love & Romance, #Social Issues
Hard Love
I
T’S BEEN SIX YEARS
since John witnessed his parents’ divorce.
His mother no longer hugs him, his father barely acknowledges him, and now his soon-to-be stepfather wants to move the family away right before senior year. John’s only pleasures are writing and reading homemade zines like the amazing
Escape Velocity
by Marisol—a self-proclaimed “Puerto Rican Cuban Yankee lesbian.” When the opportunity arises to meet her, John jumps at the chance.
Awkward introductions aside, Marisol quickly warms up to John and a friendship is born. At first they bond over the safe subjects of zines, dysfunctional families, and dreams of escape. But eventually both John and Marisol learn to shed their protective shells. Together they help each other discover more about themselves than they ever knew existed.
A Michael L. Printz Award Honor Book and Lambda Literary Award winner
Look for the companion novel to
Hard Love:
Cover design and hand lettering by Cara E. Petrus
Cover photograph of figure copyright
© 2008 by C. Ebener/plainpicture/Glasshouse Images
Cover photograph of scratches copyright © 2008 by Veer
Simon & Schuster
New York
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Also by Ellen Wittlinger
Love & Lies
Blind Faith
Parrotfish
Sandpiper
Heart on My Sleeve
Zigzag
The Long Night of Leo and Bree
Razzle
What’s in a Name
For Younger Readers
Gracie’s Girl
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 1999 by Ellen Wittlinger
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
is a trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Lyrics on page 110 are from “Names & Dates & Times” by Ani DiFranco.
© 1993 Righteous Babe Records—BMI. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Lyrics on pages 212-213 are from “Hard Love” by Bob Franke.
© 1982 Telephone Pole Music Co. Used by permission.
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Also available in a hardcover edition.
First paperback edition March 2001
The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wittlinger, Ellen.
Hard love / Ellen Wittlinger. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: After starting to publish a zine in which he writes his secret feelings about his lonely life and his parents’ divorce, sixteen-year-old John meets an unusual girl and begins to develop a healthier personality.
ISBN 978-0-689-82134-9 (hc)
[1. Authorship—Fiction. 2. Underground press publications—Fiction. 3. Divorce—Fiction. 4. Identity—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.W78436Har 1999 [Fic]—dc21 CIP AC 98006668
ISBN 978-0-689-84154-5 (pbk)
ISBN 978-1-4391-1556-5 (eBook)
For Kate and Morgan
And for everyone
whose first love
was a hard love.
Contents
With many thanks to the zine writers
who gave me advice and a glimpse into their world:
Colette Ryder-Hall (Looks Yellow, Tastes Red)
W. Lugh Van Droog (Lugh Spoke)
Amanda Hughes (Paranoy)
Ariel Bordeaux (Deep Girl)
Neil Simon (Gobstopper and automaton)
Ellen Myre (Noisemaker)
Ski-Mask (Riverside Art Scene)
Thanks also to my editor, David Gale, and to my agent, Ginger Knowlton.
And special thanks to Ani DiFranco and Bob Franke
for their generosity in the use of their lyrics.
I am immune to emotion. I have been ever since I can remember. Which is helpful when people appeal to my sympathy. I don’t seem to have any.
“Come on, John. It’s not going to kill you to go to the auditions with me,” Brian begged. “I hate doing stuff alone.” He walked backward to the door of Darlington High’s Little Theater, beckoning to me as though I were his golden retriever.
“Look,” I told him, “I can’t sing, I can’t act, and I don’t like musicals anyway. Especially this one. It’s sappy.” I didn’t bother to remind him that I don’t really go to this school. People think I do, but it’s only my physical body, not
me
. Brian can’t seem to understand that.
“You think
The Sound of Music
is sappy? It’s about the rise of the Third Reich! It’s about standing up for your beliefs …”
“It’s about the hills are alive and singing nuns.” As if Brian knows squat about standing up for your beliefs anyway. Brian’s most strongly held belief is that having a girlfriend will make him a viable human being, but let a girl say hi to him in the hallway and his knees buckle.
“How come you’re suddenly so interested in drama?” I asked him, though I didn’t really care. “You never tried out for a play before.”
Brian’s acne turned wine red, which was his charming way of blushing. He glanced quickly up and down the corridor. “
She’s
trying out. She always gets a big part in the musicals, and everybody says she’ll get the lead this time.”
Jesus. “Who?” I asked, just to annoy him.
Brian rolled his eyes and leaned in close. “
Violet Neville,
” he whispered. He was so damn close to me he breathed her nauseatingly sweet name right into my mouth.
“How old are you?” I asked, backing away.
“Whataya mean?”
“I mean you’ve been dreaming about that useless girl since the sixth grade. Six years, Brian. Get a life! You’ve never even spoken to her!”
“I have too!”
“You have not. You think just because you get some minuscule part in this play she’s suddenly going to notice you? You think Fräulein Maria is going to fall in love with Nazi Soldier Number Six?”
Brian looked squashed, which, I have to admit, was the look I was after. I’m really a pretty crappy friend. “I didn’t say that. At least I’ll get to be around her. They
rehearse after school every day for the next two months.”
The thing is, it makes me feel sick when Brian acts like this. Hangdog—that’s the word for it, and accurate, too. Like one of those skinny mutts that can’t even hold up its tail, the kind that follows you around on the street whining and panting, and you can’t imagine what combination of canine breeds could be behind such a pathetic specimen.
I just had to bail. “Look, I gotta go. I’ve got something to do this afternoon.”