Hard Raine (4 page)

Raine

Now…

I watch Lana lay peacefully asleep in my hotel bed, torn between utter amazement that she entered my life again so unexpectedly, and self-disgust at the way I behaved last night. Like a weak, foolish schoolboy who doesn’t know any better.  But I do know better. She taught me years ago. 

And yet all last night, we lay entwined in each other’s arms, sleeping fitfully between sexual rounds.

I didn’t fuck Lana last night. I didn’t punish her or take complete control. I made love to her. All God damned night.  And I despise myself for it. 

Lana

Now…

I awaken to find Raine already dressed in a finely tailored black suit.  I turn to watch him while he puts on a pair of silver cufflinks.

“I have a meeting now,” he says coolly.  “I believe the escort agency requires you to stay until noon. It’s only nine, but I release you early. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have an excellent day.”

“You hope I have an
excellent day
?”

He shrugs. “What do your clients usually say after one or your transactions?”

I nearly flinch.  Nearly.  Fortunately I keep my expression cool as I stare at him from the bed, my head propped up on my hand.

“Probably the same thing
you
normally say after one of your transactions, Raine.  Remember that you’re the one who paid for me to be here. When I want someone to warm my bed, I don’t have to pay for it.”

He cuts his gaze to me and his eyes are pure ice beneath the angry slashes of his brows.  The energy coming off him is so cold that I actually do flinch this time. “You may show yourself out.”  He grabs his briefcase and strides to the bedroom door.

“Wait,” I say, springing out of bed.  “Raine, please don’t go. After everything…can we just talk for a while?”

He checks his watch impatiently. “I really do have to go. I’m heading a meeting and I’ll leave the entire board waiting if I don’t show up.”

“Then let’s have dinner.  Tonight. It’ll be my treat.”

His lip curls up in a smirk. “Well then, if it’ll be your treat, then I’ll reconsider.”

I roll my eyes. “Fine, I get it. You’re rich and successful and you don’t need someone like me buying you a meal—”

He stops me by placing a finger over my lips. “Don’t ever say ‘someone like me.’ You’re more than this, Lana.  And you deserve so much better. How did you end up in a life like this?”

He brings his finger down and I say, “Meet me for dinner and I’ll tell you.  I’ll tell you everything.”

Lana

Then…

It’s a rainy September evening.  I’ve borrowed my foster mother’s car to drive over to Raine’s with single-minded purpose: to destroy the one thing that’s ever meant anything to me.

My bags are packed and hidden deep in my closet, ready to go the following morning.  I have all my travel information planned out, the details written down and tucked in an envelope in my suitcase.

Now I just have this one final thing to do. The single hardest thing I’ll ever have to do in my life. And the most necessary.

As I sit waiting at a stop light, I notice a couple about my age—still in high school—walking down the sidewalk.  They’re huddled under a red umbrella, laughing.  He has his hand tucked in her jeans pocket, and then he leans in and kisses her.

Seeing their happiness only makes my heart plummet further, reminding me that I could have had the same thing. If only my life had turned out entirely different.

I’d sensed something was off the first week I arrived at my current foster home, when my foster father kept walking in on me when I was showering. 

I mentioned it to my social worker, asking that a lock be installed on the doors to the bathroom and my bedroom, and everything seemed fine after that. For a while anyway. 

It was a series of odd little things that gradually added up. The time he brushed up against me in the hallway and his hand cupped my breast.  The dick picture sent to my phone under an anonymous email address, the background of the shot looking suspiciously like our living room.  The time he “fell asleep” on the couch when my foster mother was away, his penis hanging crudely out of his pants. And finally the worst offense of all, the active webcam I found hidden in my bedroom that fed to his computer in the den. 

I’d crushed it with a hammer, then left the broken pieces beside his computer.  Now I found myself waiting on edge for his next creepy act.

I decided against reporting him. My reason was, I’d moved around so much over the years that it had been next to impossible to keep my grades up—until I’d stared going to my current school. Something just seemed to click into place there, and now my grades were higher than ever. 

My guidance counselor was helping me research scholarships and colleges, so I was hesitant to tell my social worker about what was happening and get uprooted again.  I would only be placed with yet another family, and who was to say that my new circumstances wouldn’t be just as bad as they were here. 

If I could just wait it out until it was time to leave for college, I could ignore and avoid my foster father in the meantime. 

Then Raine showed up at my window, making it even more imperative that I stay. 

I couldn’t tell him what was happening. Not after last time. 

He’d always been protective to a fault.  He would never stand by and let me stay in that house with my foster father threatening me. 

But I wanted to be the one to decide where I lived. I couldn’t let Raine get me moved again.  I could protect myself if I needed to.

Until
the incident
happened.  It all went down the week before, and I knew then that I couldn’t stay there anymore.  I also couldn’t bear to be moved to another foster home, where the same thing could  happen all over again.  I was tired of it.  Of moving and being dependent on people who didn’t deserve my trust.

No, this time I was going out on my own.  Anything would be better than what I was now facing. Things had escalated with my foster father, and now it was all just too awful.  Just thinking about it made me sick.

There was only one thing I knew for sure. I had to get the fuck away from there. 

I knew Raine well enough to predict that he would want to come with me.  Of course he would.  If he was the one leaving town, I’d be at his side without a second thought. But Raine and I were in completely different situations, and I couldn’t let him throw away his whole life for me.  He had a future.  I just couldn’t rip it away from him.

He needed to stay in school and remain on the course the Everly’s had dictated for him. Then some day, he would have the whole world at his fingertips.

I couldn’t let him ruin his life to turn into a teenage runaway and a high school dropout. 

Even though that’s exactly what I was about to become.

Raine

Then…

The moment I see Lana standing at my front door, I know something is horribly wrong.  Her eyes look empty. Dead.

In all the years I’ve known her, after everything we’ve been through, I’ve never seen that look in them before. 

“What’s the matter,” I say, holding my arms out to her.  But she only shuffles past me, her arms wrapped around herself. 

“We need to talk,” she says. “Raine, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Why? What is it?”

“There’s someone else.”

I look at her in confusion, waiting for her to continue.  She doesn’t meet my eyes.  Instead she keeps her gaze trained on some point over my shoulder. 

“I’ve been sleeping with someone else. And I’m in love with him. And I don’t want to…be with you anymore.” Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence.  There are tears in her eyes and they start to roll down her cheeks.  She reaches up and rubs them away roughly with her palms. “I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’ve been hiding this for a while now.  And I thought you deserved to know.”

My whole body goes cold, and I’m unable to process her words.  They simply don’t make any sense, not coming from the girl I know.  It’s as if she just told me she’s an alien, ripped off her face and offered concrete proof that she is indeed a Martian.

I wonder for a moment if I’m dreaming, because none of this is compatible with the reality I know.

Finally I say, “What’s his name?”

“Elliott.”

“Lana…this doesn’t make any sense. We spend all our time together. We’re in love.  We talk constantly. We have sex constantly.”

“That’s why I can’t do it anymore, Raine. Since I met Elliott…I don’t feel the same way about you. I don’t know if I was ever really in love with you.  I think it’s was just puppy love, but it wasn’t real—”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You know what we have is real. Tell me this isn’t real.” I take her face in my hands and kiss her. Hard. To stake my claim. To show her she belongs to me.  That I belong to her.

She leans into the kiss desperately, but too soon, she pulls away.

“Raine, it’s not that I don’t care about you. I do, I really do. We had some great times together. But…I’m just not in love with you.  I thought I was but…I’m so sorry I hurt you.  I’m so, so sorry.”  Her eyes well up with tears again and her voice breaks as she says, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad my first time was with you. And I’ll never, ever forget you.”

“Lana…this…I can’t…don’t do this to us! I don’t know what this guy has been telling you. I don’t know what’s been going on.  But I don’t believe the past five months meant nothing to you. I can’t!”

“Of course they meant something. The time we spent together were some of the best moments of my life.  And I’m so happy, Raine.  I’m so happy that I was able to get to know you again, and to see how well your life worked out.  You get to live in this amazing house and have an amazing future.  You’re going to have a truly wonderful life, and I’ll never forget you—“

“Stop talking like we’re over, Lana. We can work through this. I’m willing to fight for you.  Hell, I’m willing to wait for you to realize that you’re making a really fucking horrible mistake.  I might beat the shit out of the fucker who—“

“It doesn’t matter, because I just don’t love you anymore—not the way I love Elliot.  I’m so sorry, but I have to go.”

“Lana, stop! “

“I have to go,” she repeats and whirls around, running out the door.

I watch her run to her car in the rain.  Its yellow headlines come on, cutting through the gray gloom as the engine revs to life.

She drives away without ever looking back.

I stand there staring after her stupidly for the next hour, waiting for her to return.  Expecting her to return—knowing in my heart she will. 

But she doesn’t.

As reality begins to set in, my chest burns.  I feel like I’m being punched over and over directly in the heart.  Like my head is about to explode. 

I have to get the hell out of there.

I start to run.  I’m not even sure where I’m going.  All I know is that I have to move.  Have to feel something other than the utter despair threatening to drown me.

It’s storming now and sheets of rain hit me in the face, making it hard to see.  Squinting against the rain, I run to the beach behind my family’s house.  The wet sand makes it harder to run, but I welcome the ache in my muscles and the burning in my lungs as my body propels me forward. 

Legs pumping, lungs straining, I run toward the ocean.  Finally I reach the shore, which is completely empty except for me. 

I stand alone before a desolate grey sea.  It’s the only witness as I break down, falling to my knees and weeping. 

My tears mingle with the rain, and loud, ugly sobs tear from my throat.

I cry until I’m wrung out. Until there’s nothing left.  Until I’m an empty shell. 

As I stare out at the grey, churning water, I know that Lana has broken something inside me that can never be repaired.  And this is the last time I’ll ever truly feel anything again.    

Lana

Now…

I sit alone at a table in the restaurant Raine chose for us, trying not to tap my fingers or bounce my leg to relieve some of my nervous energy. 

Raine is late, but he’ll show.  I know he will.

The restaurant he chose is lovely.  All white tablecloths and servers in tuxes, and there’s even a woman playing piano in the corner.

I wish I could enjoy the music, but my stomach is in knots and my heart is in my throat.

Then Raine walks in.

His black suit stretches perfectly over his muscles. And even though I saw him just this morning, my breath still catches at how handsome he is.

He’s the only man I’ve ever had this kind of reaction to.

He sits down across from me with a cold smile, then leans back in his chair carelessly as if waiting for me to justify my reason for bringing him here. He looks bored and put upon. 

My heart hammers in my chest, but at the same time, I know what he’s doing.  This is a power play.  He’s waiting for me to prattle on nervously to fill the silence. So I don’t.

Instead I meet his gaze and offer him a polite smile.  Moments later the waiter arrives and Raine orders wine. The waiter quickly returns with the bottle and two stemmed glasses, pouring one for each of us.

Raine and I continue playing this game, waiting for the other one to break the silence. Finally I do.

“So what’s up with all the crazy S & M stuff?” I ask. “The spanking and domination and whatnot?”

He had his wineglass to his lips and nearly spits it out in surprise.  He puts his glass down and coughs, raising a white linen napkin to his lips.

I smile internally.
Score one for Lana.
 

“You always were direct, weren’t you?” he says.

“I was just curious. It’s not that I didn’t like it, just the opposite.” I shrug. “I just didn’t remember you being into that sort of thing.”
 

He sets his napkin down and says, “After you left me all those years ago, something unexpected happened.  I became numb to everything.  I never really felt happy.  I never really felt sad. I just felt…nothing.  An absence of feeling, all the time.”  He swirls his wine in the glass, staring at it absently. “Girls at school eventually wanted to date me, of course.  I was rich and they found me attractive, so I dated a few girls.  But still…they left me cold.  Disinterested. 

“Sometimes they’d allow me to take them sexually, and I couldn’t even muster up enough excitement to stay hard.  Which obviously wouldn’t do.  But after a while, I discovered that when I tied them up, when I disciplined them, when I took complete mastery over them”—he shrugs—“I was able to enjoy myself.  Perhaps because it was an extreme experience, it cut through the fog of my numbness.  Or maybe it was finally having control that got me off, since I’d always had so little of it in my own life.  I really don’t know.  But it became my preferred method of foreplay.” His gaze meets mine. “Now it’s my turn for a question.  How the hell did you end up as a high end escort in Vegas?”

For some reason, I appreciate that he used the word
escort
to describe what I do and not something much worse. I say, “I’ve been doing this for a long time, Raine.  Almost since we broke up.  After seeing you that day, I left Maine and moved to Vegas, hoping to get a job that didn’t require a college degree, or even a high school degree.”

“But you were always so smart.  You wanted to go to college. What happened?”

“My foster father happened. He was…threatening me.  I knew it was only a matter of time before he forced himself on me, so I left before that could happen.  I was tired of foster families so I struck out on my own, and well, you see where I ended up.”

“What about Elliot?”

I stare into his eyes for long time, gathering strength, before I answer. “There never was an Elliot. He didn’t exist.  I made  him up so you wouldn’t know the truth.”

“And what’s the truth?”

I take a fortifying breath and begin, “A few days before I ran away, my foster father must have tampered with the lock on my bedroom door.  He crept into my room in the middle of the night—just like our first foster father did all those years ago.  Only this time, I was bigger, and I was able to fight him off. 

“It got nasty, and at one point, he ripped my nightgown off.  But I was able to get out from under him and…anyway, I barely escaped, but I did.  And he told me that if I ever told anyone what had happened, he’d point to my past and say I had a record of claiming sexual abuse, and that I was a liar—about whatever I accused him of, and about what happened to us all those years ago.  He said he’d have me locked up in a mental hospital like my foster mother, and he’d make sure they found you and locked you up for murder.”

“Good God, Lana.  Why the hell didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“Because I knew you’d want to run away too, and I couldn’t let you throw everything away for me.”

“
You
were everything to me.”

“Look at your life now, Raine. You have everything you could ever ask for.  What would you be doing if you had taken off with me? You’d be a bartender maybe, if you were lucky. Or some other low-paying blue collar job.”

“It doesn’t matter what I would have done, Lana. I would have been happy.”

“You’re not happy now?”

He stares into the air over my head thoughtfully, as if considering it for the first time. “I don’t know,” he says more to himself than to me.  “But if I’d known the truth, I could have protected you. I certainly wouldn’t have let you become a god damned prostitute.”

Sharp pain pierces my heart to finally hear that word on his lips. 
Prostitute.
And the worst part is that I know it’s true. 

“I did what I had to do to survive,” I tell him.

“For ten years, Lana?”

“I don’t expect you to understand.”

“I’m trying to, I really am.  But the thought of you selling yourself for the past ten years—when I could have helped you.  Why didn’t you look me up?  If you didn’t want to jeopardize my schooling and my place in the company, that’s one thing.  But why didn’t you come back to me the moment I’d taken over? The Everly’s passed away years ago. I have complete control over my life, the company, the family fortune—everything.  I run an empire. Why didn’t you let me help you?”

“Because I was ashamed. I didn’t want you to see what I had become. I didn’t think you’d even consider being with someone who does what I do for a living.”

“Well you sure as hell wouldn’t be doing it if you were with me, that’s for damn sure.”

“I thought that having been a prostitute for years would be a sure-fire deal breaker.”

“Then you don’t know me very well.”

The waiter approaches our table. “Have the lady and gentlemen decided what they’d like to order this evening?”

“No,” we both say at the same time.

“I’ll come back later then,” he says nervously and scurries away.

“This is all so unexpected, Raine.  So where does this leave us?”

He reaches across the table and takes my hand.  Without thinking about it, I turn mine over so we’re palm to palm, then I clutch his hand tightly, holding onto him for dear life. 

“This is what comes next,” he says. “You leave this city behind and come back to Maine with me.  I’ll take care of you, Lana.  Whatever you could ever want or need—“

“I can’t.” I shake my head. “I have…responsibilities here.”

“Like what? To that escort service? Fuck them.  That life is over now. If you have an agreement with them, I have lawyers—”

“It’s not that.”

“What is it then? Do you need money? Because I’ll pay you an outrageous sum of money to go back to Maine with me—even if it’s just for a week—and stay as my guest.”

I squint my eyes skeptically. “Raine, are you trying to Pretty Woman me?”

“I’m trying to save you.”

“I don’t need saving. I’m doing okay, Raine. I have a life here.”

“You call this a life?”

“Yes, I do. I have responsibilities.”

“What responsibilities? I can help you in any way you need, Lana. Just tell me what I can do to help.”

“I have a son here.”

“Alright,” he says in a level tone, clearly assessing the new information. “So you can’t just take off at a moment’s notice. I understand now.  Well, he’ll need a babysitter or a nanny.  Is that who’s taking care of him now?”

I nod.

“So I’ll offer her an outrageous sum of money to move to Maine with us so the boy isn’t too traumatized by being uprooted.  How old is he?”

“He’s almost ten.”

Raine looks baffled for a moment. Then thoughtful.  Then gravely serious.

He tilts his head, one big question lighting up his eyes.

I bite my lower lip and nod.

He strokes a hand down his face, which has gone white as a sheet. 

With a trembling hand, I dig through my purse and find my wallet. Then I pull out a school portrait and hand it across the table.  “His name is Sam.  He’s a really sweet kid. He loves animals. He loves books.  He’s sensitive and sometimes the other boys at school pick on him.  But he’s a happy kid nonetheless.  My jobs are few and far between—because they pay so well—so I get to spend a lot of time with him.”

Raine is simply staring at the picture, his face an unreadable mask. 

I babble on, “He loves to go to the movies and the library, and is favorite food is hot wings.  He has two guinea pigs named Salvador and Strawberry—he came up with those himself. He loves the Beatles—oh, and drawing.  How could I forget that.  He loves drawing pictures—and he’s really talented for a nine year old.  I promised him a trip to New York to go to all the big museums when he turns thirteen.  And…oh, Raine…please say something.”

He looks up from the picture, shock written all over his face.  “I have a son,” he whispers.

Without saying more, he flings Sam’s picture back at me over the table.  It flutters to the floor, which for some reason makes my heart break into a million pieces.  I quickly pick up the photo and tuck it in my purse with care, where it’s safe and protected. 

Once again, his eyes are pure ice.  But there’s something else there.  Something that frightens me.  Pure, undiluted contempt.

“How could you?” he finally says.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant until after I’d left.”

“And you couldn’t have called me when you found out?  To tell me you were carrying my child?”

“I was going to give him up for adoption. Raine. We were just in high school—“

“I would have found a way to care for what’s mine.”

“And then you would have nothing, just like me.  Look at your life now—look at how far you’ve risen. I still stand by what I did, though I understand why you’re angry.”

“Anger doesn’t begin to describe it.  You had no right to make that decision for me.  He was
my
son too! I had a right to know.”

“The whole time I was pregnant, I planned to give him up for adoption, and all that I’d be left with after he was gone was loss and pain.  I didn’t want you to suffer that too. I felt like I was sparing you by keeping you in the dark.”

“But you didn’t give him up—you kept him in your life. And yet you didn’t allow me the same privilege.”

“I’ve thought about contacting you a thousand times over the years.”

“Funny that you never did.  I’m not particularly hard to find.”

“Well we’re together now, and now you know.  So what comes next? What do you want to happen now, Raine? Would you like to meet him? Whatever you want, I’ll do.”

I expect him to consider it and give me a reasonable answer, but his expression remains a wall of ice. “That won’t be necessary.  Frankly Lana, I want nothing to do with you.  You’re not the person I thought you were.  All you’ve brought into my life is lies and deception.  Though I do insist on taking care of what’s mine.” He reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a checkbook.  “How much do you need to get out of that filthy business you’re in?  I don’t want my son to be raised by a professional whore.  I can give you a lump sum now and a monthly check afterwards.”

“Sam has no idea what I do and he never will. He’s well protected from the truth.  I don’t need your money.”

“My money was perfectly good last night. If I fuck you again will you take it?”

I lift my wineglass and splash its contents in his face, then I muster up the last shreds of my dignity and storm out.  He doesn’t follow me.