Harder (9 page)

He proves my point by studying me with gorgeous, concerned green eyes. Eyes that can look that soft have no place in my life or my bedroom. Everything in my life has been hard. I’d probably crush something soft.

“Too nice? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Not always,” I say. “Sometimes nice is just misleading. I’d prefer someone who is just bad from the start. No disappointments.”

He rubs his forehead with both hands. “What if they aren’t bad at all?”

“Then they are probably too good for me.”

“I doubt it,” he mutters. “I think you’re wrong.”

“Well guess what, you don’t get to say I’m wrong. It’s my feelings and my feelings are just as valid as yours. Especially about myself. More valid, even.”

I open his car door but he stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off and get out of the car. He also gets out, and I can hear his footsteps following me over to Big Blue.

I lean on my door and fold my arms. He’s followed me long enough. We’ll settle this here.

“I don’t get it. You’re happy with me.” He folds his arms and glares down at me. His hair is back in a ponytail and his face looks sharper. His nose is long and masculine above full lips, but his eyes are really the stars of his face. Almond shaped with long brown lashes. They’re narrowed at me now, making his eyes a deeper green, almost a forest green.

I’ve been told my eyes are like mirrors, if so, his right now are like a forest.

Unending and protected and natural and slightly scary.

“You’re happy with me,” he says again, studying my face.

“I know. That makes you all wrong for me. I don’t do happy.” I try to turn to my door and he cages me off.

“What’s wrong with happy? Isn’t that the point of life?”

“I missed that memo.”

“But aren’t you happy here? At work? That’s why you do it?”

“I don’t know what world you live in, but I do it for money. I do it to pay rent. I do it so I have a roof over my head. Because I’ve been without one before. Not that you would know anything about that, born with a silver spoon in your mouth.”

He’s silent, and his eyes close, then open with sadness that I know is caused by my words.

“I’m sorry, that was rude,” I murmur.

“It’s not that. It’s just, you didn’t have a home?”

“No, I didn’t. My mistake though. Don’t depend on anyone else, and you can’t be let down. Now I pay for my own house. I’ll never be out in the cold ever again.”

He frowns, trying to process it. “I don’t—”

I wave my hand. “I don’t want a pity party. I know how to take care of myself now, and I’m not going to just sink into things with someone like you and wait for you to kick me into the dark again.”

“Ally, I wouldn’t—”

“It’s like that story about that Icarus kid. That makes a lot of sense to me now. Don’t go too close to the sun. Don’t be too happy. You’ll just get burned.”

He remains silent, and I know there’s a lot going on behind his pensive expression but I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure I want to.

“It’s the sun that burns. It’s the happiness that hurts. It’s better to just stay in the dark. Get used to it there. It’s safer there. Go too far into the sun and you’ll just be blind when you go back to the darkness.”

“Why do you have to go back to the darkness?” he asks softly.

“Because I always do, that’s why! Because I’ve never had anything good that didn’t end up twice as bad in the end. So I’m satisfied with this. Satisfied doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m satisfied with my job, and I’m satisfied with our friendship, and I don’t want or need more.” I’m breathing heavily now, and I’m sure my face is red. Not a good look for me.

“I see,” he says. But he doesn’t let me go, and he seems like he’s still searching for a loophole.

“Besides,” I say, “I’m not attracted to you. I don’t want to be happy with you. Even if I decide to be happy again, it won’t be with you. It can’t be with you.”

“Why?”

“I just don’t see you that way,” I mutter.

He might be the most dangerous sunlight of all. Blinding and painful and just too much to hope for. There must be a real monster hiding under all of that to compensate for how wonderful he is on the surface.

No one is ever what they seem.

“Ally, I’d never hurt you…” he says, trailing off to silence.

“I know,” I say, pushing him away so I can open my door. “That’s what makes you not my type.”

He backs off, slams his hands in his pockets, and watches me pull out.

I don’t want to lose his friendship, but it was probably inevitable anyway. Better to cut things off before we both get hurt more than we already are.

Chapter 8

I send a quick glance at Ryan as we both open our lockers and pull out our stuff for the day. He’s looking straight ahead, methodically putting away perfectly folded clothes with his huge, elegant hands. He takes a deep breath and lets it out.

I turn back to my locker and continue rummaging till I find my sup polo wrinkled at the bottom of my locker. I need to hit the laundromat soon. I pull it on over my tank. It doesn’t smell, at least. I guess I’ll do the lifeguard shift today, not the customer service one.

I hear him pull away and he goes to the fridge, sets something down, based on the crinkly plastic noises coming from his direction. Probably something fancy, like the fish I jousted to the floor. I want to tease him about it, want to say something and make him laugh.

Maybe I was a bit hasty the other day. Maybe he really won’t want to be friends anymore. Too bad, I could use a friend here.

He leaves the room, pulling his whistle over his head, tying his hair back. Every move of his is smooth, gorgeous. He’s just a tall drink of water.

And he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Well, we’re coworkers, so he’ll have to.

I head to the main sup office, shove the door open a little too hard with my foot and it bounces off the wall with a loud knock.

“Oops,” I say, grabbing for it.

“Ally…” Rain says from her desk.

“I know I know. Gentle.” I sidle to her desk and sit on the side of it. She glares up at me, and then breaks into a smile.

“I heard you kissed Ryan.”

“Yeah. Got a problem with that? We ain’t gonna make nothing of it.”

“That’s too bad. Ryan’s a nice guy.”

“I’m not a nice girl.”

“Matter of opinion,” she says, moving some papers out of the way and pushing her chair out. She leans back, facing me. She’s Knight’s chick, badass in her own way. Not in looks, just in guts.

“You say I’m nice, even though I kissed your boyfriend?”

“That wasn’t a kiss.”

I crumple my eyebrows. What does that mean? I don’t care. “Anyway, I’mma take the guard shift. My polo looks like shiz.”

She gives me a disapproving glance. “I’ll lend you one.”

“No one will care if I’m on the-“

“Ryan’s already on the guard shift.”

“Damn, always on the guard shift.”

“You know, that kind of works in your favor. I mean, look at him. Does it really look like he wants to be a sup? To me, and I’m guessing to Knight, he looks like he just wants to guard.”

Ryan’s out with Amy, pointing out across the water at something I can’t see. Probably something to watch for. He’s good at reading that stuff. He can spot a bad swimmer before they become a drowning swimmer. We need to do another training on what to watch for.

I watch the muscles of his arms play in the afternoon light streaming through the glass wall to the east. They bunch and relax as he gestures. His skin looks so smooth. I move down, following his chest, huge pecs visible in his shirt. Large, defined and square, toned abs, narrow hips. Firm quads, nice, long calves. He’s like a sculpture. A damn sculpture.

I swallow and wipe my forehead.

“Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?” Knight’s voice makes me jump, but he just squeezes my shoulder and moves past me to Rain. They kiss, and I turn away. Gross.

“It’s a bit hot,” Rain says. “Mostly because Ally’s checking Ryan out like she wants to order him off the man menu.”

“Am not,” I say, pushing myself off the desk to stomp away.

“Wait up, Ally,” Knight says, grabbing my arm.

“What?” I swing around to face him. “I gotta go on shift.”

“It’s slow as hell out there. Ryan can handle it.”

“Fine. What?” I straddle a chair from another desk. The one Ryan and I and the lesser sups share.

Knight folds his arms. He intimidates the hell out of most of the other guards, but not me. He’s like a male version of me. Except he’s tan with dark hair, and I’m blond with pale skin. But we’re both hard, inside and outside. Both used to attention. Both hard to get along with.

He’s a gorgeous dude. I can still remember slamming my lips down onto his, the way I had been wanting to do to Ryan ever since I met him.

But Ryan intimidated me more than Knight, with his quiet, sexy green eyes and serious face.

Knight frowns. “You aren’t just playing with Ryan, are you?”

“No. I’m not planning anything with him. Why? Why does everyone think he’s so nice?”

“Because he is. Don’t you think so?”

“No. Okay, yeah. But I’m not stupid. I know I don’t deserve a guy like that.”

“Ally, come on…” Knight bites his lip. “It’s not like that.”

“
You
come on. It’s totally like that. We all get it.” I walk to the window and see Ryan looking over at us. Shocks shoot straight down to my toes. I’m not used to the way he makes me feel. Somehow being farther from him makes it even more overwhelming. If I’m not pushing back against his pressure, what is there to push against?

“Just, in the past, he’s attracted some weird chicks.”

“Weird like me?”

“No. Like, weird weird. I don’t know. We swam together in high school. I don’t know if it’s cause he’s quiet, but the girls that just get off on teasing shy guys loved to mess with him. Maybe they really did like him, I don’t know. But I just…”

“Wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again,” I say. I look at Rain. She looks away. So he’s told her this too. They’re a freakin’ team.

“I’m not messing with him. I’m trying to do what’s best for me. That’s my job. Not taking care of him,” I say. “Besides, I already told him he’s not my type. I think he finally got it.” I shrug, an odd achiness settling in my shoulders. “So you two can stop worrying.”

“Sorry, it’s just, with you two being senior guards…” Rain says, trailing off.

“I know,” I say.

“Sorry, Ally, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Knight says. “I’ll meet you outside,” he nods to Rain, shows her his keys, and strides out.

“He just. Ryan means a lot to him,” Rain says.

“I know.”

She gives me an apologetic smile. I leave the office the opposite way she does, out onto the deck.

Everyone’s so freakin’ worried about Ryan. Sweet Ryan. Awesome Ryan. Don’t let that dirty, poor Ally mess him up. Like he’s an angel and I’m something from hell that’s going to burn him.

No one’s worried about me. No one’s asking about me. No one’s telling Ryan to back off. Why does everyone assume he’s the hero and I’m the villain?

I catch my reflection in the mirror. I get it. I play the part. I keep everyone out. But deep down, I know I’m not that hard. And I know I’m not bad.

I’d never play Ryan, I’d punch anyone in the face who hurt him. But no one else sees that.

I’ve taken care of myself for a long time. I haven’t usually resented it. I tried to let someone else care and it went bad. So I went off alone again. And it was all fine, until Ryan.

Ryan, who keeps reminding me that deep down somewhere I don’t want to acknowledge, I want more.

I want so much more than this.

A whistle blows outside and I snap back to attention. It’s my job after all. Where was I?

I hear a splash and run towards it, feet pounding the hard deck, searching for Ryan with my eyes. I don’t see him.

Gwen, the guard on station, is standing there, frozen. Damnit.

It’s always hard to tell what a guard will do until they have their first save.

The person stroking out to the drowning victim is Ryan, fully clothed in his sup polo. He has Gwen’s tube, tucks it quickly him and the vic, and swims back steadily, her in his arms. The vic’s a pretty girl, long blonde hair, the golden kind, not white like mine. She looks small and safe in his arms, and for a second, I’m jealous.

But I turn it off, like I can just turn a knob and it’s gone. I’m good at locking things up like that.

I reach down to the vic, who has just reached the wall. She won’t let go of Ryan. She’s just clinging on to him. I reach for her hands.

“Grab my hand, I’ll pull you up.”

She looks up at me, somewhat hesitant. I’m not Ryan. Not gentle and unintimidating.

“I’m fine,” she says. She stands up and leaves her hands on Ryan’s shoulders. “Thank you for saving me, Ryan.” she tells him with a shy smile.

Ryan blushes.

My mouth drops, and I pull my jaw back up. “You know each other?”

“No,” she says, “it’s on his tag.”

“Oh. Of course.” I back away. Ryan’s looking up at me now, an odd expression on his face. Is he wondering why I’m here helping with the rescue when he clearly has it under control? ‘Cause that’s what I’m wondering. “I’ll uh, I’ll just go.”

“You can’t be in the lap lane if you can’t swim,” Ryan says to Emily, moving out from under her hands. “I’ll either need you to get out or put on a lifejacket.”

Gotta love a guy who has no problem telling a grown woman to put on a lifejacket. I grin to myself as I walk over to the kids area where a guard has just blown a whistle because two women are in a screaming match over deck chairs. I break them up, threaten them both with ejection, and suddenly no one cares about chairs anymore.

I brush my hands off, wait for any more double whistles, and head to the guard room for water. I can’t find mine in the fridge, and then I see a bottle hovering just above where I’m searching. I grab it and shut the door.

“Thanks,” I say, turning to face whoever just saved me.

A pair of searching green eyes meets mine. “You’re welcome.”

I back away from him like he’s a fire and I’m gas.