Harkham's Case (Harkam's #1) (32 page)

“You can.” He paused. “And I’m lucky enough, I get to watch.”

She smiled but it was lacking in anything more than a little twitch of the lips. “I love you.”

“I know you do. I love me, too. I love you, and I already love this little girl, Megan, because you love her.” He opened the car back up, grabbed the teddy bear and handed it to her. His arm went around her shoulders. Then he moved, his legs not taking their full stride, but instead, keeping a pace that was slow and measured.

It forced her to move with him. She buried her face in his shoulder and depended on him to lead her.

Neither of them had any idea where her gravestone was, but within a few minutes of looking, Adam found it.

“Hi, Megan,” he said. “You were a smart little girl with a lot to give your daddy, your mommy, and my girlfriend, Mari. They all love you and miss you. Mari has something for you.”

Mari refused to look. She stayed in her safe spot in the curve of his shoulder.

“She wanted you to have this,” Adam said and gently pried the stuffed animal out of Mari’s hand. He let go of her, and a tiny mewl escaped her chest.

She clasped her own hands like Adam had to do in times when he needed somebody and there was nobody available.

When she opened her eyes, she saw uneven ground over a grave with no grass, but a few flowers. It was nothing but dirt.

Adam set the bear at the base of the headstone, but it covered some words about her.

Mari’s heart clenched, and her breathing stuttered. Her feet marched over, took the bear and found a dip about ten inches from the headstone. It was where Mari imagined her heart to be. She placed the bear there, and it fit perfectly like it was meant to sit there for all eternity, on top of her chest.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t protect you,” Mari strangled out in a garbled plea for forgiveness. “I should’ve . . . I should’ve never let you cry back there. For how long did you ask me to come get you?” Tears chased down her cheeks once more. “How long did you choke on that spoon? I could’ve saved you, but I ignored your sad cries.”

Mari stepped back. Adam was like a wall behind her—implacable and unmoving. She rested her back into him. His arms wrapped around and he kissed her ear.

“Tell me something you miss about her,” he said.

She wiped the tears away and took a breath. “I miss how she used to say my name—Maw-wee. It was adorable. She would sing it like it was a nursery rhyme. ‘Mawwee, Mawwee,
Mawweeeeh
.’” She exhaled in a whoosh. Saying that small portion brought a moment of peace to her soul. So, she said another thing she missed about her. “The way she’d jump into my lap with a book and stab the cover with her fat, roly-poly finger . . .” She paused and smiled. “She loved to read—just like me.”

He nuzzled his nose into her neck, hummed like he agreed and could see it all in his mind. His body swayed her back and forth a little.

Another moment of calm descended on her, and all at once, the burden she’d been carrying felt like it lifted. “She liked to push my cheeks together before I’d kiss her so it would be a fish kiss. She giggled every time.” Mari giggled herself for a second. “And when I blew bubbles with her at her one-year birthday party, she hugged me over and over.”

“She was special,” he said into her neck.

“She was. I really loved her like I was her aunt.” She stared at the bear, almost wishing she could be the one to sit there and protect her little body from this day on, and keep it from ever being disturbed. It seemed like she owed Meg that much.

“Let go—put all those feelings of how you miss her and love her into the things you care about now. She’d want you to do that.” He squished her up against him.

“I know . . . I know she’d want that, but I don’t know if I can. What if I forget about the small things she did I adored?” She turned around to face him, his arms relaxing until they were loosely encircled about her waist.

“You won’t. You’re going to write it all down, and anytime you think of her, you can read it and it will be fresh in your heart again.” His blue eyes were soft like a forgiving sky after a rain storm had completely passed.

“If I ever have money, I’m gonna make sure the cemetery grounds are better cared for. I want her to have grass to play on.”

“Did she have grass where she lived in that trailer? I didn’t see any . . .”

“She didn’t, but she should have.” Something hit her, jolted her even—it was a moment of undeniable clarity. “Just like I should’ve had a dad that didn’t wallow in his house filled with garbage. I should’ve had a dad that told me he loved me, hugged me, and could go places with me instead of wasting away in his own sorrows.” He smiled at her like she was finally getting it. She took a big, cleansing breath and rambled all of the injustices about her upbringing. “I deserved a mom who wasn’t a flighty, uncommitted parent, sleeping with any guy that could throw a few bucks down to buy her a dinner. I hate that she chose her boyfriends over me all the time, and she ignored me whenever I did anything wrong.” She paused and stood straighter. “Forget I said that—she ignored me anytime I did anything
right
. She didn’t care what I did as long as I stayed out of her way. I embarrass her because I made dumb choices . . . But what about
her
? I don’t throw it in her face she had to get an abortion a few years ago because she got knocked up by some nameless one-night stand!” Mari’s face heated, and her voice grew louder. “I earned my own money, working summer jobs, and I use it to buy my own groceries. She refuses to let me eat how I want. Dad too. And I only wanted to avoid becoming both of them.” She gazed intently into his eyes. “They’re miserable. Both of them, and they took it out on me. That’s abuse.”

“Sounds like it to me.” He nodded.

“I’m moving out, Adam. I have to. I’m gonna get a job and find a way to pay rent and finish up school. I’m really smart. Did I ever tell you I skipped a grade in elementary school?”

He shook his head, and his eyes were alight with pride and joy.

“But then, when I did rehab, had two relapses after and ran away, I failed that year and the next and had to repeat that grade twice. I’d have graduated already and could’ve been independent if I hadn’t screwed up so much.” She huffed. “I hate that I gave them that much control over me.” Her foot scraped back and forth on the ground. Her head spun with so many possibilities of her future. “I can’t go back to either of my parents. I’ll get a studio. When you graduate, you’ll move in. We’ll figure this out together.”

“Thank you!” he cried out, then laughed and kissed her.

“No, Adam, thank
you
! You’re the one that showed me the way.” She turned her eyes back on the grave. “Thank you, Megan. You showed me the way, too. I’ll try to visit you again someday.” And though her heart stopped at the thought of ever returning to Alta, she knew she was telling the truth.

Mari deserved to pay homage to the spot where her life changed forever—the place she finally took control.

* * *

They spent so long speaking to Owen, visiting Megan’s graveside and getting Adam to change his clothes so he wouldn’t reek of beer when he got home that they barely made it in time to board the plane. It was a first-come-first-serve situation for the seats.

Adam stood still, and his mouth dropped open when he saw the plane was so crowded there were only single seats scattered through the cabin. They wouldn’t be together.

He tightened his hold on her hand. “I don’t wanna be without you. I didn’t like flying alone before.”

“But you did it just fine,” she said, caressing his arm with her hand. She smiled to give him confidence. “For me?”

“M’uh,” he grunted, shaking his head.

“We can’t be together. It’s not allowed. The spaces are all taken. It’ll be fine. It’s only an hour and a half flight.” She kissed the corner of his mouth.

“I can’t—not when I know you’re nearby, but I can’t touch you,” he said.

She stood there, trying to figure a way around this.

He was chanting numbers quietly now in the middle of the aisle, his eyes closed, refusing to move. She kissed his cheek firmly to calm him down. The numbers continued to spill out of him.

“Trust me, Adam. Take your seat. I’ll make sure we’re together,” Mari told him.

She took the ring off her pinky and forced it onto her left ring finger. It was tighter than she would’ve liked, but she could figure out how to get it back off when they got home.

Mari lifted her carry-on to put it in the overhead baggage area, when Adam suddenly barked, “I’ll get it. I told you I wanted to carry things for you.”

“Oh, I know, honey,” she said all sugary, while rubbing her lower abs.

Mari leaned back to check out who was sitting in the spot next to where Adam had been ready to plant himself.

Her stomach immediately dropped, and she was in fact queasy. Good. For once she could tell the truth to get what she wanted.

A blonde, curvy goddess, thin, chesty and with the brightest cornflower blue eyes Mari had ever seen was sitting next to Adam’s seat. Everything about her was perfection.

No way was this woman sitting next to her man!

Mari made sure to flash the ring on her finger as she fanned herself. “God, it’s stuffy in here. Is it hot to you?” she asked him. She leaned into him for a hug like she was feeling unwell and needed his support. He rubbed her back.

“I’m fine. Do you need to sit? You look kind of pale,” he said.

“I’ll be okay in the back. Take your spot. At least I’ll be near the bathroom so if I have to throw up from the morning sickness . . .”

The blonde woman stood up. “You two should be together.” She waved Mari into her spot and moved aside.

“Thanks . . . You sure you don’t mind?” Mari asked her.

“Not at all.” She gazed down at Mari’s ring finger with a look of regret, swallowed and moved swiftly to the back of the plane to find a new seat.

Mari ushered Adam to sit by the window so she could take the aisle seat.

“Did I put a baby inside you?” he whispered, leaning into her shoulder so his lips were at her ear.

“No. We have to have sex for that to happen, and even then, I’m going to make sure that never happens . . .”

He sat up and looked as grave as he did at the cemetery.

“Something wrong?” she asked him. Now he was the one looking washed out.

His gaze went to the window. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me.” She scratched his back. “You told me I couldn’t do that to
you
. I want the same courtesy in return.”

“I think you should reconsider having kids with me. You’d be a great mom, and I want kids,” he said with a rasp in his voice. Emotions were cutting off the speech in his throat, it seemed.

She struggled to get him to turn around and face her, but when he did, she placed a gentle, understanding kiss on his lips. “I love you . . . But slow down, okay? I’m not ready to talk about this kind of stuff. It’s scary enough to even consider having a boyfriend.”

“Then why did you put on a ring and pretend to have my baby inside you?” His eyes implored her as if to make the charade all true.

The fasten seatbelt light was on and the stewardess gave the usual speech about safety. Mari ignored it and attended to him.

“I was trying to manipulate a situation without making a fuss. I wanted it to be that lady’s choice on her own to move. If we started asking people to do what we wanted, they might’ve refused,” she explained.

“So you lied to spare her feeling uncomfortable?”

“Yeah.” She smiled.

“But what about
my
comfort? I don’t like thinking about how I want my baby inside you, and you don’t want it there. I don’t like imagining that’s my ring on your finger, and you might not really want one there,” he said. He reached out and touched the diamond.

“I’m . . . God, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t think . . . This was my mom’s wedding ring. I grabbed it at the last minute at my dad’s place and didn’t want it to get lost in my suitcase,” she said, staring at the way his fingers fiddled with the gem.

“I want to ask you to marry me, but I worry you’ll say no. It was so difficult to get you to even say yes to being my girlfriend. But I want forever with you.” His gaze shifted to her face. “And even that won’t be enough . . .”

Her entire chest and abdominal cavity felt like it was filled with concrete—so heavy and immovable.

“I really screwed this up, didn’t I?”

He nodded and sucked his lips into his mouth, probably to keep from saying the wrong thing. The looks he was giving had her on the verge of tears and close to begging forgiveness at his feet.

She pulled his bottom lip back out with her thumb and kissed him.

“How can I make this up to you?” she asked softly.

He curled over and laid his head on her belly. She draped an arm over him and stroked his hair with the other.

His hand was on her calf, gripping it.

The plane was taxiing down the runway. A moment later they had lifted off and were angled up into the sky where Adam belonged with the other angels.