Have a New Kid by Friday (36 page)
Read Have a New Kid by Friday Online
Authors: Kevin Leman
Just because it isn’t
your
church doesn’t mean it’s not a good church—and a welcoming place for your child to be with peers of like mind.
You’re now equipped with the
Have a New Kid by Friday
strategies and ready to tackle those things about your children and your relationship that drive you crazy. In fact, you’re just sitting back, relaxed, waiting with a smile on your face for your kids’ next move. You now know why they do what they do, and what the volume and continuation of their war whoops has to do with you and the kind of parent you’ve been. And that little secret puts you front and center to win
big
on your home turf.
Also, you’re smart (a lot smarter than your kids give you credit for). You’re more convinced than ever that Attitude, Behavior, and Character are the three most important things your children need not only to learn but to carry with them for the remainder of their lives. You, of all people on the planet, are in a unique role to teach those aspects—because you’re continually on display in front of your kids. It’s like the bumper sticker I once saw and chuckled about: “Being a parent is like being under a microscope 24-7.” And that’s the truth. Values are caught rather than taught. No matter
Fun Day
the age and stage—from tiny toddler to exasperating preadolescent to rambunctious middle teen to questioning young adult—your kids are learning how to live life by watching
you
.
How you cope with anger, sadness, and disappointments.
How you acknowledge accomplishments and celebrate joys.
How you prioritize.
How you treat others and yourself.
A little intimidating at times, isn’t it? But it can be stimulating too, if you know how to use that natural human tendency to watch others. Okay, let’s call it what it is. We’re all just plain
snoopy
. And you can use that to your best advantage with your children.
You’ve also had the eye-opening opportunity to view a neighbor’s or co-worker’s experience and decided you don’t want to be in their shoes down the road. You’re more determined than ever that
now
is the time for a change.
For some of you, sparking that change using the
Have a New
Kid by Friday
game plan may be fairly easy. Five days in the saddle and your children will be so bamboozled by the change in you that their jaws are agape.
Why doesn’t that work anymore?
they’ll wonder.
It always used to get me what I want. . . .
For others of you,
Have a New Kid by Friday
will set the stage for how your family will now be run, but your child may be more resistant, more set in his ways. The younger the child, the easier it is to mold that wet cement, as we discussed earlier. Usually the older the child, the more difficult it is to shape him because some of the prints of Attitude, Behavior, and Character have already begun to harden.
Parent, as you’ve read this book, some of you have had great successes. Your son or daughter is now mostly grown or out of the home. You’ve seen the tremendous power you can have as a parent in creating the kind of environment that encourages your child to reach his or her true potential.
Others of you have battled difficult situations with a child who was extremely rebellious and gave you all kinds of worries and sleepless nights. At last your child has turned the corner. Let me issue you a few words of caution. Don’t get smug or think you have all of life’s answers in your back pocket. Don’t be a bone digger. Don’t rub your child’s nose in her mistakes. Just be thankful that both you and your daughter have a new grasp on life.
I realize that some of you who read this book are not people of faith, so I’d like to share a story with you from the Bible.
8
It’s for those of you who have had (or currently have) a prodigal, a child who has blown off your family beliefs and values. Perhaps he’s left home and lived in undesirable surroundings, engaged in things you never thought you’d see your child do, and embarrassed you in front of the whole neighborhood, not tomention all your friends and relatives.
The prodigal in the Bible was tired of the way things were at home. He was restless. He went to his father and said, “You know, this place is Dullsville. I’m out of here. I want my fair share. I’m history. I’m leaving.”
And the child did exactly that. He went and lived life the way he wanted to. He spent all his money—wasted it on wine, women, and song. Finally he came to his senses and realized that even his father’s farmhands were better off than he was because at least they had something to eat. So he went home to his father.
One of the most moving parts of the whole story is when the father saw his son coming from afar . . . coming back home.
What did that father do? When he saw his son, he ran to him! He embraced his son. He was absolutely delighted that his son had come home.
I need to point out to you a couple of things he didn’t say.
He didn’t say, “Well, look what the cat dragged in. Had enough of the independent life?” or “Oh, I suppose you’ve learned your lesson.” Not at all.
That father embraced his son and loved him.
It’s a great reminder for anyone who has a prodigal.
Yes, you wish you could relive those 3 years your son was absent from you and got himself in so much trouble. But you need to rest in the fact that your son is now safely home. You need to start a new chapter in both of your lives. You need to love him and move on.
Let’s just say it boldly. You’re not perfect. Your kid isn’t perfect. Sometimes your child will misbehave . . . and in colorful, exasperating, and embarrassing ways. Like the little girl whose parents asked her to lie down for a nap in her room on a Sunday afternoon while the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. “Mommy,” the little girl yelled out when she was supposed to be asleep, “guess where my fingers are?”
Sometimes
you
will be the one who gives in when you know you shouldn’t . . . or the one who reverts to the old authoritarian ways you grew up with.
None of us is perfect. Your children need the three-pronged foundation of Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence in order to become healthy, functioning members of society. They also need the character building of truth-telling and encouragement, rather than the false and empty platform of praise. Most of all, they need consistency. They need a mom and/or a dad who will stand up and be a parent. Even if that means being Public Enemy #1 of the kids for a while.
Today is
your
day. Fun Day. The reward for your work and determination. The day you get to sit back and watch the fun! The look of absolute confusion on your child’s face when you launch your action plan will be priceless.
Remember little Matthew, the 4-year-old in the “Monday” chapter, who dissed his mom in the car, then wondered why he wasn’t getting his usual milk-and-cookie snack after preschool? Who couldn’t understand his mother’s “no” until he was so desperate for his routine snack that he was finally willing to listen to the reason she refused to give the snack to him?
Ah, but next came the very hardest part for any parent. That mother had to lean down and look that red-eyed, tear-stained, humbled 4-year-old in the eyes and
still not give him what he
wanted
!
How tempted do you think she was to give in? How tempted would
you
be? But what would have happened if she had? Would she really have won anything, for all her effort?
Without determined follow-through from Mom, Matthew would have had no idea how serious she was or how much he had hurt her feelings. Most of all, that little ankle-biter, no taller than a yardstick, would have remained in the driver’s seat of that relationship.
The old adage is right: sometimes love has to be tough. And sometimes you have to be the one to deliver that type of love. But if you do, the payoff will happen right in front of your eyes. You’ll be amazed!
You too can experience what thousands of families already have: a complete revolution of their relationships and family life. Just read this story from a mother of three. It sure made me smile.
EMAIL
TO: Dr. Kevin Leman
FROM: A no-longer overwhelmed mom in Texas
Dear Dr. Leman:
I attended the seminars you taught last weekend in Dallas, Texas. Thank you so much for the practical,easy-to-implement ideas. I put them into practice immediately.
After the talk on Monday morning, I gathered up my 3children (ages 6, 4, and 3) and started home, which wasabout 30 minutes away. Since it was lunchtime, I decidedto stop at McDonald’s to eat. While waiting in line toorder, my 4-year-old started whining and tattling. I told her we were leaving, and as I walked to the exit doorwithout any food, all three of my lovely children startedscreaming, crying, jumping up and down, etc. Peoplewere looking at us like we were a bunch of lunatics. I loaded them in the van and started home. They allcontinued screaming and crying, so I turned the radio on as loud as it would go. The oldest and youngest finallyquieted down, but Emma, the 4-year-old, continued topitch a fit. When we arrived at home, I didn’t say a word,just picked Emma up out of the car, walked in the house,and went straight to the back door. I put her outside,closed the door, and locked it. She continued crying foranother 10 to 15 minutes, while I proceeded to fix lunch. Once she quieted down, I let her in to have lunch, and allthree behaved quite well the rest of the afternoon.
My husband and I attended the Monday night sessionas well. Emma used to be a good sleeper, but a switchwas flipped when she turned 2, and bedtime has beenour battleground for 2 years. We’ve tried just abouteverything we could think of to get her to go to sleepwithout a fight. Although we had tried the isolationtechnique, it was usually paired with talking, a lecture,yelling, etc. As we listened to her screaming in her roomthat night after the session, I looked at my husband andsaid, “I think I’m going to put her outside.” He repliedwith, “I think I’ll help you.” We went upstairs, and withoutsaying a word, I pried Emma’s fingers from her coversand carried her, kicking and screaming, down to the back door. She even began screaming, “I want a spanking; I want a spanking; don’t put me outside.” I set herdown outside, closed the door, and locked it. Within 10seconds, I heard three little knocks on the door, followed by a very calm voice saying, “Mommy, I stopped mycrying.” When I opened the door, she headed upstairs,and we didn’t hear a peep out of her the rest of the night. Needless to say, my husband and I were amazed.
To speak plain English, this mom and dad decided they were no longer going to put up with little Miss Emma’s power plays. So they decided to take action.
They are not alone. Others who have tried the
Have a New
Kid by Friday
strategies have said the following about their effectiveness:
“Try these principles—they
really work
. But no wimpsare allowed. I took the chaos out of my home, and noweverybody—including me—loves living there a lot more.” Wilma, South Carolina
“I was dubious at first when I heard about this as ‘themiracle cure,’ but it is. I’ve been a single dad for 5 years,and I’ve always felt bad that my 2 girls no longer havea mother. So I gave them everything they wanted, evenwhen I couldn’t afford it and had to do without somebasics myself to provide the latest toys for them. Then oneday, when they were 12 and 13, I realized, after they threwfits over not getting designer jeans, that I’d raised a coupleof brats. I was stunned. I felt even more inept. It wasn’tuntil a friend of mine talked about what she’d learned at one of your parenting seminars that I started to say no to their whining. I did like you said—I said no and stuck tomy guns. After 5 days, my older daughter came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, ‘Dad, I love you. You’ve made a lot of sacrifices for us.’ It was the first time she’d hugged me in over a year since she’d become ‘cool.’”