Hawk (Sex and Bullets Book 2) (22 page)

Then she throws it—a stick, presumably—and the ball of fur launches itself after it, barking furiously.

It makes me smile. Makes me wonder if Layla would like a Pomeranian, or a bigger dog. A Husky, maybe?

I amble around the pool, happy for the fresh air in my face.

Can’t believe how deeply my experiences this week have marked me. How many things I took for granted suddenly seem fucking huge and how grateful I am for them.

Oxygen. Water. Food. Mobility.

Safety. Life. Pleasure.

Layla.

The Pomeranian comes bounding back with a ridiculously big stick between its teeth, depositing it triumphantly at Raylin’s feet.

She laughs. Throws the stick again. The doggy gallops after it.

I crouch down beside her and clear my throat.

“Oh my God!” She falls back on her ass, and I chuckle. “Hawk. You scared the crap out of me.”

“That was on my To Do list for this morning. Now I can finally tick it off.” I grin at her, and she smiles back, dark eyes twinkling.

“Smartass.”

“I try.”

“So how are you? You’re looking much better. When they brought you in, jeez… that was scary.”

I nod, not sure what to say. I must have looked like hell. “Yeah.”

“And Layla? Storm told me he brought in a doctor to see her. Is she okay?”

“Yeah, about that…” I plant my ass down as well and link my arms around my knees, watching as the Pomeranian comes bounding back and then starts sniffing my hands, trying to bite my fingers off. “I guess it’s stress, you know? Psychological shit. Psychosomatic, probably. But she’s still pretty bad, and I was wondering if it has to do with the time in the month or something.” I lick my lips, cock my head to the side. “Hit me if you want, but I never really looked into this shit. PMS? Premenstrual whatever. Combined with the stress we went through this week, could it be the reason she’s like that?”

“Like what?” Raylin says, and doesn’t look like she’s about hit me—yet—so I relax a little. “Details.”

Even chick punches hurt on top of bruises.

“Okay, so, she’s been crying a lot. And she threw up a couple of times, but now she’s better. I think.”

Raylin scratches her dog behind the ears. “Throwing up, huh? You sure she’s not pregnant?”

I open my mouth, close it again. Can I tell Raylin what Layla told me? What if she doesn’t want others to know about it?

“You’re hesitating, and you’re right, that can’t be it,” Raylin says and waves a dismissive hand. “My friend Megan got knocked up and told me all about it. Trust me, you’d have noticed. Wild mood swings. Vivid dreams. Lots of extremes, know what I mean? She’d either be furious, or depressed, crave sex or not be able to stand it… Oh and something you’d have noticed: bigger breasts, more sensitive, too, and bigger nipples.”

She’s grinning at me, wagging her brows, and all I can think of is,
oh fuck…

“But that happens before the period, too, right?” I scramble to scrounge up what little knowledge I have of women’s mysterious hormonal cycles. “All this.”

“You tell me. You’ve been seeing Layla for months, haven’t you? Does she seem different to you this time?”

Fuck yeah, she does. I remember when I first saw her tits in the basement of the warehouse, and I shift uncomfortably because my body doesn’t care about the discussion, and my dick gets excited at the memory of Layla’s tits every single time.

Also, vivid dreams, check. Mood swings, check. The fact she wants me all the time—except when puking, that is—check.

But she can’t be. She told me why. She acted like she believed it. I mean, holy shit, she cried over the thought of Raylin being knocked up, and now…

What’s going on here?

“Want me to talk to her?” Raylin asks. “Sometimes girls find it easier to talk about what’s wrong between themselves.”

Makes sense. Though I thought Layla and I had no secrets. That she had no reason anymore to hide anything from me.

“That would be awesome,” I say and decide it’s time I followed Rook’s fine example and located that bottle of scotch.

Layla

I’m sitting on the bed, running a brush through my hair, thinking about the things Hawk said—the official date we’re going to have, his wish for a family with me, his arms around me.

His mouth on me.

Heat spreads in my cheeks. Good Lord, I started it this time, touched him, told him I wanted him. I couldn’t help myself.

Still want him. The throbbing between my legs is unbearable. Now I know. I’m coming down with the sex bug. I’m turning into an insatiable sex machine.

I put the brush down and press the heels of my hands into my eyes. Maybe it’s because I feel so trapped here. So out of place.

I’m missing classes. I’ll never catch up. And my mom and Dorothy must be worried about me. I should talk to Rook again, and Hawk. There must a way to communicate with them without putting anyone at risk, right?

There’s a knock on the door, and I lift my head just as a girl’s voice says, “Coming in!”

Oops.

I gather the covers around me. I was supposed to get dressed but got lost in thought. “Okay!”

Raylin enters, smiling, then laughs. “Oh God, sorry. I didn’t think…” She waves at my quilted attire.

“It’s fine.” I smile back. “Um, sorry for running away from the kitchen last time. I don’t know if Hawk said anything about that.”

“Nope. But it’s fine. Storm and I can be scary at times.” She winks.

God she’s sweet. “Right. Very scary.”

She approaches me hesitantly. “Mind if I sit down?”

“It’s your house.”

“And you’re our guest. Plus, you know.” She lifts one shoulder. “You’re probably not quite used to all this yet.” She waves a hand at the room and makes a face.

I laugh. “And here I was thinking I was weird for feeling uncomfortable.”

“Nah. But it passes. Mostly. I promise. Hawk is in love with you, and that’s the main thing.”

“Hawk isn’t in love with me.”

Her eyes widen. “Did he say that?”

“No, but… he didn’t say he is, either.”

“Oh. Give him time. I mean, can’t you see it? His eyes glow when he looks at you, or talks about you.”

They do?

“Now tell me about yourself.” Raylin leans closer, her dark hair sliding over her shoulders. She’s dressed in dirty sweats and a T-shirt with holes that says “You caught me,” on it. I wonder what it means.

In any case, she’s nothing like I’d imagine the fiancée of a millionaire to be like. It makes me feel more at ease.

“I study publishing at college. My mom moved away to New York. I was there visiting her last week.” God, it feels like years. “My dad… my dad was involved in all of this.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat. “He knew they had Hawk in his warehouse and did nothing.”

“Oh shush, girl.” Raylin scoots closer and puts an arm around me. “It’s okay.”

I nod, embarrassed and yet grateful for her hug. “Okay.” I draw a deep breath. “What about you?”

“My dad is a fraud and a gambler, and I’ve had a bad run in with the Chinese mafia, so you see, your dad and mine shouldn’t define us. They can’t. Now, Hawk helped save my lily-white ass from the mafia, so I owe him a big one. He’s a good guy, your man.”

My man.

Flames lick my face. “Yeah.”

“He’s worried about you. He said you still weren’t feeling so good. In fact…” She chews on her lip. “I will be blunt, okay? Are you on the pill?”

Oh God.
“No, I’m not. Look, Raylin…” I pull back from her embrace and fold my hands in my lap, on top of the quilt that’s still wrapped around me. “Hawk knows this. I can’t have kids. The specialist I visited last year said I can’t have kids, not without a special treatment. If that works. So… No, I’m not on the pill.”

“It has happened before, you know?” At my uncomprehending look, Raylin says, “It has happened before that a doctor says you can’t have children, and you end up pregnant anyway. Heard plenty of stories like that.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t believe in miracles. And I don’t want to hope. It’s hard.”

“I understand. I do.” She grabs my hand, pulls it into hers. “But knowing is important, because girl, if you are… Then you need to take care of yourself and the baby.”

A baby.

I’m still shaking my head, but I don’t know why I’m fighting it. “I had my period last month.”

“It could be implantation bleeding. What about this month, are you late?”

“I don’t know.” I can’t think. “The doctor gave me a test.” I twist around and pull it from under the pillow. “But I can’t be, Raylin.”

“Call me Ray,” she says and taking the long, thin package she starts reading the instructions. “Look, let’s get this over with. Then you know and can forget all about it, okay?”

As if it’s that easy. As if, after getting back even a tiny sliver of hope, you can pretend it never happened, that you didn’t have your heart shattered again.

“Come on. You don’t need first morning urine for this one. We can do it now.”

“Now?” I’m not ready.

Probably never will be.

“Yes. Come on.” She pulls on my hand, and I get up, the quilt falling, leaving me naked.

“Crap.” I wrench my hand free and attempt to cover my boobs.

“Holy shit.” Raylin’s eyes are so big I swear they’re about to bug out of her head. “Your boobs. Megan said they get bigger, but your nipples… Oh God. Do they hurt?”

I glance down at them. “Yeah. A little.”

Raylin laughs softly, and points at the bathroom. “If you’re not pregnant, then I’ll eat my shoe. So get in there, and let’s try this test.”

***

My stomach is twisted up so badly it’s a toss-up whether I’ll throw up or pass out. The test is resting on the sink, the white tube looking innocent as you please.

I wrench my gaze away.

I look back at it.

And here I thought the stress of this week was over.

“Another two minutes to go,” Raylin says, tapping her watch and sits down beside me on the bathroom bench. “Breathe, Layla.”

But how can I? I’ve never taken such a test before. Never thought I would. I’d convinced myself this would never happen, and that I should suck it up, so how is it possible that I’m sitting in the luxurious bathroom belonging to Hawk’s friend, acid chewing on my stomach lining, hands gripping the edge of the bench like a lifeline, waiting for the test to tell me what I already know?

Those lines will never appear in the small window of the test. It won’t be positive. The possibility of me getting pregnant naturally is something like zero point one percent.

Knowing this doesn’t help with the nerves, however, and the urge to throw up is getting stronger. Oh man, I can’t puke on top of Raylin. She’ll never speak to me again.

Unable to stand this any longer, I push to my feet and stomp into the bedroom. Good God, so glad Hawk isn’t here right now. I’d probably never have gone through with it if he were.

“Layla.” Raylin follows me, slender arms folded under her breasts. “You okay?”

“Everyone keeps asking me this.” I walk to the walk in closet, open the door, shut it again. Then I pace to the window and back. “Look, it’s been a weird few days, all right? Lots has happened, both good and bad. Very bad, and I… I can’t take it all in. I thought I could bounce right back from such things but I can’t. And now… this.” I gesture at the open bathroom door. “I had resigned myself to the fact it could never happen, and it can’t happen, but still…”

I sink down on the bed and rub at my eyes.

“It’s been tough on you,” she says quietly.

“But that’s the thing. I’m tough. I mean, sure, I get my nails done and put highlights in my hair, I like shopping and going for drinks with my friends—but I’m not the kind of girl who breaks down all the time, who cries and can’t get over a nightmare.” I push my hair out of my face. “I’m not. It annoys me. When my parents got divorced, I didn’t cry. When my cat died, I didn’t cry. God, it’s as if I’ve turned into someone else.”

Raylin says nothing. She checks her watch.

My stomach does more somersaults. “What?”

“One minute left.”

Crap.

Time is stuck. Her watch is stuck. Broken. Three minutes can’t take this long. It feels like half the morning has passed.

And if it turns out—?

No. It can’t.

Stop it.

I get up and start pacing again. This is bullshit. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to see the test when it’s done.

Don’t need to.

I’m done.

“Hawk loves kids,” Raylin says, and I freeze.

“What?”

“He does. He loves kids and baby animals. He tries to hide it, but Storm is his best friend. I know more about Hawk than he’d admit to anyone.”

Intrigued, I return to the bed. “Like what? And won’t he get mad that you go around spilling his secrets?”

“I don’t go around spilling secrets. You’re his woman. It’s different.” She sticks her tongue out at me. “Besides, there’s not so much to tell. Hawk was a menace as a kid. Shocking, I know. He was too much, so at some point his parents sent him out of town to live with his grandfather.”

“That must have been hard for him.” Though Hawk spoke of the old man with fondness, didn’t he?

“It might also have been a matter of safety. I mean, now we know his parents were heavily involved in the Organization, and maybe they thought it better for him to stay away.”

Maybe.
“And Storm said Hawk likes pets and babies?”

Sounds doubtful.

“Hawk would rescue every animal he’d find and take it home to his grandfather. He liked to hang around younger kids during their afternoon classes or sports. He’s very protective.”

“I know,” I whisper.

I
do
know that.

“And hey, would you look at this! Time flies.” Raylin takes my hand and gets up, tugging on me to follow. “Let’s check that test.”

Swallowing down the gigantic NO that’s lodged in my throat, fighting the panic and the impulse to run away, I stumble after her into the huge bathroom.

She stops. Releases my hand. Gives me a little shove. “You should do this.” She smiles. “If you decide you don’t want to tell me the result, that’s fine. This is about you, not me.”