Hawke (13 page)

Now
that
was a conversation ender. I nodded back, a little disappointed at his blasé mood.  Yeah, he was totally turned off by me. And it was
definitely
because of the vagina grope. Or more accurately, the
coerced
vagina grope of motherfucking doom.

I cringed the mother of all cringes and entered the kitchen. I stood there for a while, trembling at the awkwardness before I grabbed a breakfast bar from the kitchen cabinet. I almost cursed that my box of twelve was down to two. Bastards never replaced what they ate,
ever
.

I stared down at the bar for a few moments, wondering how I could face him. I reasoned that if I didn’t act normal, it would make the situation that much worse. I needed to just…relax.

I took a deep breath and nodded. Yeah, relax and just…act normal.

I walked back out and just the sight of his sexy fucking face and I was thinking about the fucking coerced vagina grope of doom.

Goddammit, what’s wrong with me?!

I stopped in my tracks and turned to him for a second. He was still staring at me, intently I might add, and I couldn’t handle it. I made to turn away when I stopped again and turned back to him. Fuck I looked like a human revolving door. I was making things worse and –

“You need anything, Ty?” he asked me.

My heart sped in my chest as I tossed his question in my head. I should just say no and walk away, but then…what if he was gone when I came back and I could have used this opportunity to talk to him and…

Feeling uncertain, I pulled out the ointment from my pocket and raised it to him.

“Hector won’t wake up,” I explained, avoiding his eye. “Do you think you can help me out?”

“You want me to rub it on you?” he asked, his voice lower than before.

You know, I was around filthy people every single day, but fuck, when it came to Hawke, my face couldn’t resist burning up. And I didn’t even think he was trying to be filthy.

“Yeah, Hawke,” I answered, fighting my blush, “that’s what you do with ointment.”

“I’m just asking you to clarify, Tyler.”

I just looked at him because my head was empty and I would have said a bunch of stuttering “
ums
.” So I just raised my hand and gave him a thumb up.

A fucking thumb up.

What the fuck?

He stood up and stretched his arms out on a loud yawn. The act caused his chest to expand, and by god, he was broad and hard and that black tight shirt rocked his body to a tee. He came to me and took the ointment from my hand. I was a bit shaky when I turned around and unbuttoned my overalls, sliding it down to my hips.

At least you’re not looking him in the eyes.

“The tank top too,” he told me, his voice still unusually low.

“What?” I asked.

“Your top. Take it off.”

Right.

I peeled it off, holding the fabric against my chest. I felt exposed all over again, and strangely enough, not looking at him made me instantly relax.

“Is telling me to undress your thing now, Hawke?” I cheekily asked, trying to make light of the situation.

I felt his fingers on my back, rubbing the cool ointment over my tattoo. “Only when you’re covered in blood or need your tattoo lubricated, Tyler,” he answered.

“Is that all?” I pressed, more out of curiosity than anything. “Because I saw the way you looked at my body last night, and it didn’t feel clinical.”

“I like to admire a beautiful woman when I see one.”

“Oh, I’m a
woman
now.”

“You sure as shit look like one.”

I bit my lower lip and, thinking of last night, asked, “But not one worth touching?”

His fingers slowed and he let out a soft chuckle. “Fuckin’ hell, you’ve grown some balls here, haven’t you?”

“I’m surrounded by dudes. It comes with the territory.”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Don’t know if that’s a good thing.”

There was a few seconds of silence, and I knew I needed to acknowledge the obvious elephant in the room, or else I would never escape this awkwardness.

“Um, Hawke” –
here we go –
“about last night when I took your hand and put it between –”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he cut in, ending my would-be apology before it even began.

I smiled to myself, thankful that he was burying it.

“Now what the hell is up with your occupation? Motorcycle mechanic? Where the fuck did that come from?”

I laughed. “Jesse. He wasn’t being serious, I don’t think. Probably taking the piss. I was struggling after high school because I didn’t know what I wanted and he jokingly invited me to the car shop. I took him up on it just to take that shit-eating grin off his face.”

“And then what?”

“And then I decided I’d give it a go because I was bored and had nothing to lose.”

“Girls don’t usually do that.”

“Do what?”

“Work on cars.”

“Yeah, I think we know by now I’m not like most other girls.”

Thoughtfully, he muttered, “No, you aren’t.”

After a few silent moments, he dropped his hand and screwed back the container. I quickly threw my tank back on and turned to him, trying to gauge his mood.

“Do you disapprove of me working there?” I asked him curiously.

He looked me over again, this time lingering on my fingers buttoning up my overalls. “I liked the pink nails.”

My fingers slowed and I glanced down at my short nails, feeling a little regretful for removing the nail polish. “Yeah, I did –”

“I like the greasy look too,” he cut in, his lips shooting up in a heart stopping half-smile. “Women who get their hands dirty rile me up, darlin’. You’re capable, and that’s sexy.”

Heat rushed to my face. “You find me sexy?”

“Why do you look all constipated? It’s what I said, isn’t it?”

I bunched my lips to one corner to keep from smiling. Using his words, I replied, “I’m just asking you to clarify.”

He smirked at me, and my heart picked up at the sight. He knew what he was doing to me. He knew how beautiful I thought he was, even with all that damn facial hair.

He took a step closer to me and I felt his hand at my hip. The touch was so unexpected, I went still. I looked at him all wide-eyed as he neared me, eyes on mine and never straying. He closed the gap between us, and I was starting to wonder what he was going to do when something hard hit my side. He slowly slipped the container back into my pocket, the sneaky bastard. Leaning his mouth to my ear, he said huskily, “Yeah, you’re sexy as fuck, Tyler. You’re also a club brat that needs to move out of my bedroom.”

He gave me a final look – and I swear there was something there in his eyes that was far from neutral – and then he brushed past me, his arm touching mine. I stared after him as he walked out of the room and down the hallway.

I felt this urge to follow after him, to try the coerced hand-on-vagina thing again, but I resisted, knowing Jesse would be outside waiting to give me a lift to work and…knowing I couldn’t survive another humiliating rejection.

I walked out of the room and stopped in the hallway, noticing my bedroom was partly open. I tip-toed to the room and, stopping just outside it, I peeked in and saw Hawke standing with his back to me, phone to his ear.

“I need to get ahold of Abram. Have him call me as soon as he gets this.”

Then he turned the phone off and peeled his dirty shirt off, discarding it on the ground as he walked in the direction of the bathroom. Christ, he was built, and it was a sexy kind of built, not the nasty kind when guys popped steroids and their muscles looked like inflated balloons.

Fuck, I felt like a horny teenager all over again. The excitement, the maddening tingles just the sexy sight of him brought on, was all too much.

“Unless you’re about to join me in the shower, I don’t see what else you could want, Tyler,”

Hawke called out.

Shit!

My heart jumped, and I couldn’t move away fast enough as I turned and hurried out of there.

Jesse was there when I stepped outside. When he saw me, he started up his Harley and waited for me to climb on. My movements were slow and forced as I moved to him, putting more distance between me and Hawke. He handed me my helmet and I carefully put it on. I buckled the straps and stared at Hawke’s bike sitting in the parking lot in his very own spot.

Now
there
was a bike I wanted to be on, wrapped around a man that wasn’t Jesse.

“You okay?” Jesse asked me, looking back at me with concerned eyes.

I nodded and reluctantly wrapped my arms around him. Shutting my eyes, I pretended for just a few seconds that it was Hawke instead.

Tyler

The morning was spent doing gopher work. Shit that slaves should be doing; like fetching coffee and breakfast for the boys before being sent on another errand to pick up parts from a couple equipment manufacturers. I consoled myself that at least I wasn’t getting filthy in the heat like all the others.

By the time I got back early afternoon, the boys told me Jesse wanted to see me in his office. I found him leaning back in his chair, eyes closed, with his latest “assistant” assisting his dick.

“Fuck sake!” I cursed loudly, turning away in disgust at her head bobbing up and down. First Jonny, now him?! He’d never done this before.

I heard Jesse’s chair squeak. “Time to go,” he ordered her.

“I can finish you,” she insisted.

“I said go,” Jesse repeated, angrily.

She quickly jumped up to her feet and buttoned up her blouse. She strode out of the office, a smirk on her flushed face. I slammed the door shut loudly the second she was gone and glowered at him. “You could have locked the door, Jesse.”

“You could have knocked,” he retorted, straightening the sleeves of his suit shirt.

“I’ve never knocked. Every time I have come to see you, I have opened this goddamn door and there’s never been a problem with it.”

He rolled his eyes and tucked himself back into his pants. I didn’t know if it was just my imagination, but I thought I saw a tattoo on his freaking dick. “Alright, calm the fuck done, Tyler,” he muttered. “I didn’t think you’d be this fucking prudish about this.”

“Prudish?” I crossed my arms, irritated beyond belief at the shit I had to put up with. “That’s the last thing I am and you know it. It’s not wrong that I don’t want my eyes to see that shit during work. It’s about being professional, Jesse.”

“I’m the boss,” he cut back sharply. “I owned this fucking place long before I fucking joined the club. I can kind of do what I want and
who
I want. You don’t get to talk to me like I’m not your boss, you got it?”

I took a few breaths to keep myself from losing it and just stared at him pointedly. He looked exhausted and annoyed. It wasn’t a combination I was used to seeing. Jesse was always smiling and joking. I wondered what was pissing him off.

After a full minute, the anger creases on his face disappeared and he looked at me with remorse. “Sorry, sweetie, I didn’t mean to bite your head off. I’m just…wound up, you know? I needed a release.”

“Didn’t get it last night?”

“No.” His face darkened again for a fleeting moment. “Sorry you had to see that. I don’t know what the fuck is getting at me. My head’s cloudy, and I didn’t get enough sleep, I guess.”

I nodded in understanding. “We all have our bad days. Now what do you need, Jesse? The boys said you asked for me.”

At my lack of hostility, his shoulders relaxed and his face glowed again. “If it were up to me, I’d have you the same way Miranda was just moments ago.”

Ah, yes, the funny banter was back.

I resisted smiling. “If it were up to me, I’d cut your dick off so bitches like
Miranda
weren’t around in the first place.”

His eyes lit up. “You jealous?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Well, I need her.”

“You need her servicing you.”

“Nah, she’s my personal assistant.”

“Personal cum-bucket, you mean.”

He just smiled. “I’m usually doing the pleasing, Tyler. I like it that way more, but she doesn’t really do it for me. I thought her lips were plump enough she could help me out instead. But her suction was off, and she bared her teeth like Jaws.”

“Too much info, buddy.”

“You know what would do it for me? Servicing
you
.”

This guy. “I kind of have more self-respect than to be with a dude who was just getting sucked off.”

“I’m limp as a noddle, Ty. She wasn’t accomplishing shit. But you…god, we’d rock each other’s worlds. I’m still waiting for you to give in.”

I rolled my eyes. “How about I’ll consider it if we’re both single at ninety? Make one of those pact kind of things.”

“Ninety?”

“I’ll be experienced then. Think of how good my suction will be without teeth.”

“Fuck, that actually sounds like we’re going somewhere. Do you want a taste of me right now so you have something to look forward to?”

“I’m sure your dick tastes like raspberry saliva after what I just saw, so no.”

“You make it sound like a death sentence, and it’s hard to understand. Girls want me and you don’t.”

I sighed at the note of somberness in his words. “Okay, I’m not getting into this. Tell me what you want, Jesse, so I can go back to work.”

He leaned back in his chair and that smile began to slip as he closely eyed my face. “Look, to be all fucking serious, Ty, I wanted to see how you were feeling.”

“What do you mean?”

His brows shot up. “I mean you witnessed Hawke kill a dude a foot from you and instead of still losing your shit about it you end up coming to work the next morning.”

“Oh, you want to talk about
feelings.
I didn’t think you had a therapist in you.”

“Tyler, seriously.”

I looked away from his intrusive eyes and at a spot on the wall. It took a lot for me to hold it together. “To be fair, Jesse, Yuri had a gun to my head.”

“Yeah, I know, but…fuck, sweets, that was heavy shit. I know you’ve seen the guys brawling. You’re used to some blood here and there, but nothing like last night. I’m worried for your sanity. That’s not something you can easily come back from.”

“I’m fine,” I lied, trying not to relive Yuri’s eye-less face another second. “You don’t need to worry.”

“’Course I do,” he heatedly replied. “You’re one of us! Part of the family. That means we need to look out for each other. One thing we never brought to the clubhouse was that sort of violence. We would never in a million years want you to have seen that shit. I don’t know what the fuck Hawke was thinking. He should have stopped the second he got the gun off him.”

“Hawke was protecting me,” I replied steadfastly, thinking of his words last night. “Men like Yuri don’t change. They just keep coming back and pushing their boundaries. Hawke needed to do it, and I understand that.”

Jesse looked at me perplexedly. “It was fucking savage!”

“It was necessary.”

Now he paused for a moment. “Do you…you got a thing for him or something?”

I looked at the wall again. “No.”

“Then why are you so chill about this?”

“I’m not. I’m just…more capable at handling this shit than other people.”

Lie. I was totally not capable of handling this shit, hence why Hawke had to rock me back and forth like a fucking baby. But shit, he cared enough to, right? Before I fucked it up by putting his hand between my legs, anyway. He’d touched me all over even. Maybe it was my imagination, but I could have sworn he’d lingered on my ass longer than everywhere else.

Wow.

He definitely had.

That made the rejection heaps more bearable.

Jesse didn’t appear totally convinced. In fact, he looked horrified. “No one is capable of handling that shit!”

“Jesse –”

“I think about you a lot, did you know that?” he cut in, his voice softer now. “I think about how to make life better for you here and better for you at the club, all so that you don’t run for the hills at the shit that goes on. I’m terrified you’ll leave.”

“I know that, and I appreciate it. You’ve been a good friend.”

“Friend?” he scoffed, the smile on his face fake. “I’m not doing this shit to be your
friend
, Tyler. I’m doing it so you open your fucking eyes and realize I can keep you safe if you were on my side and sharing
my
bed instead of sleeping in Hawke’s every single night.”

I clasped my hands together, feeling more uncomfortable by the second. I really just wanted to go back to work and think of Hawke’s hands on my ass instead of dealing with Jesse’s crap.

“What the hell do you want me to say to that, Jesse? I’m totally struggling here. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, adding your invite in your bed is something I don’t need.”

He leaned over his desk and stared at me sternly. “You know I’d have killed Yuri for you too, right?”

I frowned and looked back at him. “This isn’t a competition –”

“Everybody knows about your schoolgirl crush on Hawke. I saw the way you were blushing up a storm the second he entered the clubhouse last night. Even now you’re fighting it.”

“Congratulations for really making shit awkward now.”

“I’m being straightforward, and I’m not going to tickle your ear about Hawke. He murdered a fuck of a lot more people than any of us ever did in the
history
of our club, Tyler. Did you know that? He is merciless. He’s Borden’s fucking hitman for crying out loud. You’ve grown him in your mind to be something he isn’t and forgetting what’s already in front of you.”

I hated Jesse for putting me on the spot like this. Was he seriously trying to compare himself to Hawke right now? Because that was like comparing oranges to apples, and I wanted my broody apple instead of an orange that fucked stupid girls in offices and compared their blowjob teeth to Jaws.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What’s in front of me, Jesse, is a man that got sucked off minutes ago. A man that is constantly around bare-breasted sluts and constantly getting his dick wet by them too with his good pal Hector. So excuse me for not buying your sincerity and sliding into bed with you like some hussy with half a brain.”

“I was just telling you how it is.”

“I don’t want to hear it! Hawke doesn’t even want me, and I learned that the hard way, alright? And it was embarrassing and I’m still humiliated, but that’s
my
business and not yours. And even if he did want me in some other parallel universe, I can decide for myself what
I
want.”

He sulked. “I know that, alright? But you also know my past enough to believe I wouldn’t have a thing to do with other girls if you wanted my side of the bed, so don’t be throwing that shit in my face either.”

“We have a
friendship
, Jesse. I don’t look at you like that. The idea of fucking you is like incest to me.”

He shrugged. “That’s not unsexy if we acted out on it in a fantasy kind of way.”

“You’d only act on it if you’re into that kind of shit, and I am not at all remotely interested. It’s just fucked up and I’d never look at you the same.”

“You’re an only child, so it’s not like you’d be thinking of a particular sibling, Tyler.”

What the fuck?
“Why are we even talking about this? It’s sick.”

“I don’t fucking know. There was a point and I’ve just forgotten it. Gimme a second to remember.”

He brainstormed for a few seconds, and I couldn’t believe I was actually giving him a chance to.

I finally sighed, giving up. “Jesse, stop, you’re being silly.”

“I’m trying to make you understand Hawke is nothing like me, and that’s a good thing. I’m there for you. I would be mindful killing someone around you, you know? I’d have you look away at least.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” I said dryly.

“I’m better.”

“Why can’t you both be good in your own ways?”

“He’s got a fuckin’ mannequin face, Ty. You don’t even know if he can feel half the time you’re around him. Plus his beard is getting fucking ridiculous now. He’s fulfilling the stereotype of a biker, and making pretty boys like Hector and me look soft.”

“Jesse –”

“Look, I’m real and I’m
here
,” he interrupted me, tapping his desk to emphasize how
here
he was. “Don’t get close to him. He’s a fugitive and he’s leaving soon. Hawke’s a dead end, sweetheart.”

And just like that, I was knocked speechless over two lines of brutal truth.
That
was how you slapped someone in the face with reality.

I felt like fucking Ralph in the Simpsons getting his heart broken on Valentine’s Day by Lisa. Thought of his face cracking in pain when she didn’t
choo-choose
him.

Fucking Lisa.

Fucking Jesse.

Bunch of heartbreakers, the lot of them.

Jesse studied me, grimacing at whatever devastation I was so obviously displaying. “Tyler,” he said quietly, his voice like silk, “I’m sorry if I’m being a dick. I just don’t want you wasting your time wanting someone you can’t be with.”

I looked away from him and cleared my throat. “Yeah, sure,” I returned, trying to come off as casual but failing.

“You’re struggling,” he stated, sadly. “Maybe you should go home –”

“I’m fine.”