He Comes Next (16 page)

     Women are all too familiar with the feeling of a man climaxing and then collapsing on top of them, and the female superior position often offers a nice reversal of this dynamic. Remember that when you’re in the female superior position, you can also use your hands for additional clitoral stimulation, or you can have him use his hands.

     Additionally, many men have told me that they love using a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris when she’s on top, or you can surprise him by whipping out your vibrator and using it on yourself. Men need to learn that rarely does unassisted intercourse (i.e., complemented by a hand, mouth, or vibrator) lead to female orgasm, especially not the first one, and they need to feel a sense of collaboration, rather than threatened or alienated. The major downside of being on top is that many women are uncomfortable with their bodies and self-conscious about being seen. My advice is to take a few sips of wine, turn down the lights, and get on top.

• In the male superior position, he’s going to have more ability to thrust and achieve the momentum necessary for a really propulsive orgasm, so this could be a great position if you’ve already had yours and want him to have his. Many women enjoy getting their orgasm from the female superior position, knowing that his isn’t far behind and then transitioning into the missionary position. But by placing your hands on his butt cheeks, you can hold him inside you and receive clitoral stimulation, while also massaging his buttocks and anal area. Like the female superior position and the side-by-side position, the missionary position is a great lovemaking position in that it affords body-to-body, face-to-face, eye-to-eye contact. It fosters emotional presence and offers a form of intimacy that is part and parcel of genuine ecstasy. Make the extra effort to combine eye contact with the deep pressing that provides clitoral stimulation, and you’ll be sure to get the most of intimacy and sexual pleasure combined.
  
• Like the missionary position, side-by-side is a great one for making love. Because it’s harder to thrust when you’re each on your side, it also predisposes the coupling toward slower, deeper lovemaking. This can be assured when you wrap a leg over his and hold the position.
  
• Rear entry is a powerful position for many men. It lends itself to strong feelings of power and dominance and affords maximum thrusting for the propulsive orgasm. When he’s coming in from behind, you’re also likely to experience a comfortable pressure and stimulation against your G-spot.
  
• While there’s no shortage of sexual positions for you to experiment with, don’t let form overshadow substance or performance outweigh the pursuit of pleasure. Use these four basic positions—female superior, male superior, side-by-side, and rear entry—to explore, like points on the compass, the parameters of pleasure and intimacy. And by all means, switch positions throughout, ending often with oral or manual stimulation to orgasm, his and yours. There is no prescribed rule that says his penis must end up in your vagina when the sheets grow cold. Keep it hot and varied.
  

Vibrator

• Your vibrator isn’t just for you. Boys enjoy toys as well, especially when you’re using them on him. During oral or manual stimulation, put your vibrator on a low speed and press it against his shaft, frenulum, and head. You’ll probably need to use both hands to encompass both the vibrator and his penis, unless you’re using a very thin vibrator (such as the Rocket).
  
• Lower the vibrator against his shaft and simultaneously lick his frenulum, or use your mouth to create a seal around his head.
  
• Or use the vibrator when he’s deeply penetrating you in the male superior or side-by-side position to stimulate his buttocks, anal entrance, and perineum.
  

Is he close to the point of ejaculatory inevitability (also known as the point of no return)?

• Does his body seem to be reaching a point of maximum tension?
  
• Are his testicles retracting toward his body?
  
• Has he entered the emission stage of ejaculation, as muscles close to the prostate begin to visually shudder?
  
• Has the spongy flesh of his head become even more tumescent as the urethral bulb fills with semen?
  
• Has he secreted that first drop of pre-ejaculate?
  

If so, he’s about to go over the edge, and you need to determine whether you’re going hit the brakes or step on the gas—

My advice?

Y
ES, THE NAME OF THE GAME
is to be able to lead him as close to the point of ejaculatory inevitability as possible, without taking him past the point of no return, but it’s also important to familiarize yourself with the entire process of sexual response.

The time to have pulled back was actually the moment just before this one—that’s usually the point when men will tell you they’re going to come, if he’s a communicative sort of fellow (and I would definitely encourage him to vocalize). Once his gun has loaded (so to speak), help him focus on firing it for all it’s worth.

Very often men will end up pulling back from the cusp of ejaculatory inevitability, with the venerable intention of wanting to last longer. While I wholeheartedly support slowing down and building to a point of ultimate tension and arousal, I have heard from many of my male patients that such attempts at slowing down fail at this critical juncture and the ultimate quality that their orgasm suffers. Or sometimes they succeed, actually emitting a small amount of ejaculate, or they lose some of the blood and tumescence from their erection. They may even experience one or two orgasmic contractions without ejaculating. Men who practice male multiple orgasms are familiar with this technique and some claim it’s like taking two steps backward to achieve one giant jump forward.

But sometimes when you take two steps backward, you lose the energy to go forward altogether. So instead of practicing the true art of male multiple orgasms, I’d like you to focus on simply taking that big giant step forward and making the most of his orgasm.

• Once you’ve felt that spasm from the emission phase, which means he has crossed that point of no return, grab hold of his shaft and speed up the massaging at the base of his penis. Form a ring around the base, your fingers grasping tight and your hands thrusting up and down the base of his penis, hitting and tapping on his testicles. The pressure on his shaft will intensify the pleasure of ejaculating, but the friction will increase its propulsiveness for an orgasm that is qualitatively more intense than an orgasm that comes from most forms of vaginal penetration alone.
  
• Alternatively, when he’s at that exhilarating point of no return, why not use your mouth and hands instead? There’s more than one way to skin a cat. The surprise, the change, and the increased intensity of the oral and digital stimulation, which is easier for you to control than through intercourse, can provide a shock of excitement in addition to increasing the level of friction and pressure.
  
• Not that he doesn’t love orgasms through intercourse—the only problem is that when you’re in a position that’s focused on deep penetration, pressing and clitoral stimulation, much of the sexual tension is being generated from the action on the base of the shaft. These orgasms can be deep, but may lack a top. In women’s terms, it’s like the difference between coming as a result of very fast, purely topical clitoral stimulation and coming as a result of slower clitoral stimulation plus deep penetration. You can and should squeeze your PC muscles while he’s coming, and if you’re coming too, he’ll feel those vaginal contractions as well, but again this will add to the pressure, rather than provide friction.
  
• To compensate for any loss of friction and pressure, use your hand if he’s on top or side-by-side to massage his buttocks, press his perineum, or play with his anal area. Remember the anus participates in the pleasurable contractions of orgasm and is filled with nerve endings. By pressing against his perineum, you’re stimulating his prostate. Some men, at least at first, may find this pressure uncomfortable, while others will immediately embrace it. For many men, simply grazing the anal area (perineum and anus) with your fingertips is enough to add a quivering intensity of sensations to climax.
  
• If he’s in a missionary or rear-entry position, he’ll likely focus on fast thrusting to experience the friction against the frenulum and shaft. But, here, there’s often a lack of pressure against the shaft. So, as he’s coming, squeeze strongly on your PC muscles at the moment he makes his crucial thrust. Or, if that’s too hard to control, try to bring your legs as close together as possible so that they are pushing against the sides of his penis.
  

When you’re giving him an orgasm through a combination of your mouth and hands, you’re able to provide the ideal combination of friction and pressure.

This may not feel right to you, but again I believe it’s important to get out of the intercourse-discourse and open ourselves up to new models of mutual pleasuring. As you know, I’m already assuming (with
She Comes First
) that you’ve had at least one orgasm (and this is
He Comes Next
), and no one is saying that you shouldn’t experience another, but my personal conviction is that there is a true sexual joy in committing to roles as giver and receiver and enjoying them fully.

Not that simultaneous orgasms are not a worthwhile pursuit, but it is my passionate belief that what you’re doing here is focusing on his pleasure, his relief from the pressure to perform. Just like women, men need to let go to experience unqualified sexual pleasure, as I advocated in my first book. Here, it’s about him: It’s about letting him enjoy and submit to your control. You can make him watch and serve; hell you can tease him by thrusting your vagina in his face while you masturbate yourself to orgasm during a transition from one level to the next of his pleasure arc. But at this stage of the game, you should be attuning yourself to his pleasure, pure and simple. Come, by all means, over and over. Use his penis, his mouth, his hands…his thighs and kneecaps, for that matter. But let him focus on being taken, on being controlled by you, on feeling as if it’s okay to relax and enjoy. If you get distracted, you may lose a crucial beat or be so consumed with your own pleasure that you do not stimulate him with everything you’ve got—hands, mouth, body, eyes, toes, breasts, talking, taste, tickling, smell, groans, threats, sweat—whatever it takes to help him achieve a fully-embodied global climax.

• As we discussed earlier, hold that pressure on his shaft—he may clasp his hand over yours to loosen or tighten the grip, or simply secure it. So take heed to his desires, and don’t be put off or think you’re doing a bad job if you suddenly feel a hand over yours. It means he’s trusting you enough to communicate the full extent of his desires. And that, in and of itself, is a huge turn-on for men, not simply from an arousal standpoint, but from the vantage point of emotional intimacy.
  
• You could also try pressing a vibrator against his shaft as he ejaculates or even rubbing a fluffy slipper or pushing up and down on a cuff of sultry fabric (a velvet scarf, a feather boa) wrapped around his testicles, adding an extra tactile element of friction.
  
• With your free hand, or mouth, continue to massage the frenulum. Many men say that there’s nothing more exquisite than a tongue lapping against the frenulum at the moment of orgasm.
  
• His first spurt will contain the lion’s share of ejaculate and will, by and large, be the most pleasurable. If you’re giving him a hand job, you’ll probably capture much of the semen on your hand, and if you’re using your mouth, it’s your decision whether you want to swallow, capture in your mouth and spit out, or let him ejaculate elsewhere.
  
• The main thing is to stroke through the orgasm and maintain contact.
  
• After his first spurt, you will want to loosen your grip on his shaft and also slow down your stroking of the frenulum.
  
• Now do the reverse of what we’ve discussed. Lighten your grip at the shaft, but intensify your clasp at the head. Focus on one or two deep strokes of the head that will lead to the expulsion of more ejaculate. You may want to take your stroke halfway down the shaft and give it an intense stroke back up and over the head. Do this one or two more times to extract those final shudders and pause for a few seconds.
  
• Now take his frenulum between your fingers and give it a light squeeze to exact the last drop and exquisite shudder.
  
• Pause for at least half a minute, as the penis is extremely sensitive post-orgasm.
  

Use this period to connect with him face to face, eye to eye. Touch his face, stroke his hair, kiss him, hold him, connect with him. Those thirty seconds are his true afterglow, where he’s seeking that loving connection.

Have you had your fill? Most women I speak with are often so turned on by their partners’ orgasms that they’re ready for more at this point, even though their lovers are frequently ready for bed.

So remember, even if you came first and he came next, the incomparable beauty of the female sex is that you come again…and again….

T
HE BUTT OF MANY JOKES,
the crack of many smiles, the derriere has been
rear
ing up in unexpected places: one of them may be your bedroom. Whether this is cause for pleasure, laughter, or downright alarm, from yours to his, it’s important to broach the issue with delicacy, understanding, and also some humor. So bottoms up!

As we discussed earlier, the entire buttocks is rife with nerve endings, comprising the largest, nongenital erogenous zone in the male body. Even a superficial massage will extend his sensory experience beyond the familiar nerve endings in his penis for a deeper, more embodied global orgasm, one he could never achieve on his own. This can be achieved with the simple addition of pulsating your fingers against his butt cheeks while taking him into your mouth, with a few squeezes, taps, or slaps thrown in for good measure. It can also be implemented to fire up the plain ol’ missionary position by firmly gripping his ass in your hands to control and restrict his movements (thus, layering in a dominating nuance). Press your palms into his cheeks and apply varying degrees of pressure, using your PC squeezing and releasing techniques in lieu of thrusting, to remain in control. This will allow him to relax.

How much he will allow you to delve beneath and between the gated portals into hallowed ground will depend, in large part, on your own level of comfort and sense of mastery (or should it be mistressy?). So, as always, make sure he sees that you know what you’re doing and far more critically, that you like what you’re doing, and that you want him to relinquish his will to your capable care. The more you are able to project a positive sense of excitement, pleasure, and adventure, the greater the likelihood he will open himself up to a richer, maybe even uncharted, experience. But before heading down yonder, do your best to abate any concerns you may have regarding hygiene (which is far and away the chief reservation my women patients express regarding travel down south). Better yet, make cleanliness an exciting part of your routine.

Strip him down to the buff, while you remain semi-clothed in lingerie and give him a shower or bath. Then slowly lather him up and wash him down from head to toe and everywhere in between. The warm water will help relax him (which is vital for a backroad excursion) and will focus him on his sensual enjoyment, rather than his state of arousal and erection. You may also want to watch him wash himself, directing his strokes and telling him when he is permitted to start and stop. This will push his (and your) hot buttons by incorporating key themes of voyeurism, exhibitionism, and domination into the rinse cycle. Try tying his hands behind his back or blindfolding him while you wash him to layer in submission and round off the big four hot list. Remember, however, you are building desire and global sensual arousal, rather than focusing on his erection. By making him realize that his rigidity, or lack thereof, is irrelevant to you, you enable him to relax and revel in a full in- and out-of-body experience.

Now that he’s buffed and buff, it’s time for a little dancing cheek to cheek. Most men will allow at least a bit of stimulation of their sweet spot, or perineum, which is the soft cushiony area located between his testicles and anus and is positively bursting with pleasurable nerve endings. By integrating gentle, tickling strokes of your fingertips when you orally pleasure him, you will increase his excitement tenfold. In fact, be sure to keep an eye on how close he is to the point of no return, so you don’t move him too quickly through his arousal arc. You can also stimulate his sweet spot with a flickering tongue while you pleasure him with your hand. Again, make sure to remain decidedly in control. You may also want to incorporate the use of a small vibrator, by rubbing it up against his perineum (and watching him jolt with appreciation). Tell him how much you love watching him and making him wait. Give him confidence in your desire and ability to hold the reigns of control.

Continuing your journey into darkness, you may soon encounter a bit of resistance. Always respect his boundaries (especially, I may add, if you have your naughty boy cuffed, bound, or blindfolded), but remember that your own sense of desire, comfort, and control will best allow you to pioneer your way. If he will allow it, whether during a first encounter or subsequent journey, lightly stimulate his anus with your tongue or fingers. This area is extremely tender to the touch, so be careful or you will soon find yourself evicted and forcibly removed. Lick the outer ridge or rim of his anus—hence, the term rimming—or massage him gently with the cushions of your fingers (no pointy nails, folks!). That will make an ordinary hand job or blowjob a world-class adventure. It should also be noted that in allowing you to stimulate him here, you will open up new avenues of trust and facilitate stronger emotional intimacy. So take your time and explore with role-playing, fantasy, dirty talk, and plenty of eye contact.

The final frontier of your journey is penetration, once again, if he’ll allow it, and only if you, too, are comfortable and desire it. I want to take a moment here to respond to the other common concern voiced by my female patients over the years: Second only to cleanliness, many women are resistant to the thought of penetrating their partners due to an odd societal stigma that equates anal stimulation with homosexuality and, hence, emasculation. There are so many ways I object to this view that I hardly know where to begin! Homophobia notwithstanding, this association speaks volumes for our restrictive view of heterosexuality as predicated upon penile-vaginal intercourse. No part of the body belongs to any sexual orientation. Breasts are not the provenance of straight men, no matter how much they tend to think it, and asses are not the fodder of solely gay delights. I would ask you to look within yourself, rethink any pejorative conceptions you may have, and make a full-faith effort to reconceive your limited, limiting views of his body and your own to make it a fully navigable, wholly sensual, and exquisitely sexual domain for endless exploration and pleasure.

That said, if you and your partner are ready to continue your trip, you should combine finger and mouth stimulation in initiating anal penetration, as it provides necessary lubrication as well as intensely pleasurable sensations. Get attuned to his rhythm and place a single cushioned finger (again, no nails, ladies!) on his anal opening. Only when you feel him relax and open (trust me, you will), gently nudge your finger in and let it rest there, motionless. Continue to lick his perineum and anal ridge while slightly vibrating your finger, without moving it in further. When you feel him open more and/or contract (which he ideally will at some point), then very gently nudge it in further. Continue slowly until you have inserted your finger a full two inches into his anus, pressing forward against the wall of his perineum: Congratulations friends, you have hit his G-spot (G as in guarded, golden, and grand). Once he is comfortable, you can continue to penetrate him while you suck and stroke his testicles, perineum, and penis until he is ready to luxuriate a breathtaking orgasm. As always take your time and make him wait. I heartily suggest you keep your finger in his anus at first, rather than pushing it in and out. Move it slowly back and forth and side to side, tapping on his G-spot. You may add longer penetrating strokes in and out for variety when he is clearly ready or incorporate a small vibrator or butt plug. But remember, his G-spot is inside, so don’t go Rambo on him and do unto him what he may have done onto you. We’re not going for the thrust here. To make this not only a spectacular, but also an emotionally meaningful surrender to your power, be gentle, sensitive, and utterly unyielding of control. Remember, having him ask or beg, tying him up, pinching his nipples, and stroking his chest will help make this an epic climax that he will never forget and will want to repeat, with new and exciting twists (literally and figuratively).

Also,
and this is key,
he may lose his erection.
Some men, for a combination of psychological and physiological reasons, cannot maintain a full erection when penetrated.
Do not
let that inhibit your journey or make him self-conscious about it. Keep on trucking, sistas! Make him wait. Build the tension throughout his body. And when he does finally explode into orbit, he will most definitely thank you for it many times over, buried head first between your thighs—that is, once he recovers from his post-orgasmic stupor.

A last remark regarding your own precious, possibly pristine posterior. If you are interested in exploring anal sex for the first time, a few words to the wary will save you a whole lot of discomfort later. Consider partaking in a glass or three of spirits. Have him warm you up by engaging in a perineal massage while he orally pleasures you. Directly following orgasm, have him gently insert a finger while licking the surrounding area, gradually adding another. When you are ready to move onto the next step (and not a second before), let him know. Make sure you use plenty, and I mean,
plenty
of lubrication. And, herein, is the most important last step: Do not let him thrust. Not once, not a little, not
at all.
Have him lean the head of his erect penis against your anal entrance. Then use your hand to insert it in
yourself.
Slowly back up and take him in. He should remain immobile, and you should direct the action. Once he is fully in, which may require more lubing and more loving (and more spirits) beforehand, allow him to rock his penis slowly back and forth. If and when you are ready, add momentum, slowly. I highly recommend, however, that you move back and forth on him, instead, and do away with the thrusting altogether. If it hurts, stop. Ladies, keep in mind that what goes in, must come out. If he comes inside you, expect to see a return sometime later in the evening. And on that tender note, I bid you and your buttocks many happy returns.