He Comes Next (7 page)

But once we’re in a committed relationship, sex becomes easier, in a sense, and more readily available. It’s no longer a reward, but a given. As one guy commented, “Isn’t that the whole point of marriage, so you don’t have to worry about not having sex anymore?”

To that end, sometimes the best thing a couple can do is to take a break from sex and get the chase (and sometimes chaste) going again.

My vote is to follow your instincts and enjoy the exquisite torture of delay, which will certainly heighten his sense of anticipation. Today’s woman has choices, and you can choose to give it up on the first date or wait it out. I know plenty of happily married couples who slept together on the first date. I also know plenty of women who confuse hooking up with love and wonder why the sex isn’t leading to a committed relationship. Regardless of changing sexual mores and female sexual empowerment, romantic love is wired into the brain’s reward system, and the more a reward is delayed, the more dopamine is produced. And this natural intoxicator only sweetens the chase. So with that in mind, think of sex as the sublime fruition of hot pursuit and that much more coveted for the delay. Long story short: Every guy loves a good chase, and there’s a biological reason why.

Love Is a Battlefield

Maybe Pat Benatar was onto something. Sometimes the best sex we have is after a heated argument. You may be surprised to learn, however, that the appeal of hot make-up sex has biological underpinnings. Not only does arguing stimulate adrenaline, which produces dopamine, but it’s also well known that aggression and orgasm are linked in men. Arguing also creates a situation in which love is jeopardized and then (with some luck) rescued with sex. Without a doubt, fighting for some couples is a form of foreplay, which leads to intensely satisfying sex.

“The best part of a fight is making up.”

“What can I say; we’re passionate people. We fight hard, and we fuck hard.”

“The sex is hottest after a fight. We claw and rip into each other with such passion and hunger; it’s like we’ve been starved for each other.”

But
must
we fight to love? Some couples have reported that once the fighting diminished, so did the sex. It’s as if the two impulses, aggression and eros, drew from the same reservoir of energy. But isn’t there an easier way to get the dopamine flowing?

As we’ve talked about before, when we progress through a relationship, those sex chemicals that initially drive us wild with passion start to wane. New ones kick in, chemicals that engender a sense of security, well-being, and attachment: vasopressin in men and oxytocin in women. When you are with someone you care about, oxytocin gives you that blissful feeling of completeness when he holds you in his arms. That’s one of the reasons it’s known as the “cuddle hormone.” In men, vasopressin helps him feel protective, and loving and, down the line, paternal.

But sometimes the chemistry of attachment works against desire and romantic love. Helen Fisher observes, “There’s evidence to suggest that elevated levels of vasopressin reduce testosterone levels in men.” In other words, as men become more attached and more paternal, they often lose desire.

But here’s the good news: By understanding the chemistry of desire, we can develop techniques for tricking the brain into stimulating the hot and wild sex chemicals
throughout
a relationship.

In that sense, our brain really is our biggest sex organ. A true alchemist, it has the power to transmute new, raw experience into shimmering desire.

Forget Everything You Ever Learned About Romance

Too often the things we need to emphasize in relationships—trust, familiarity, predictability, and romance—are
not
the building blocks of desire. That’s why we need to have a place in our lives that’s just for sex.

Most of the time, we spend our time making sure our relationship is built on a solid bridge. But if we want to get the dopamine flowing again, we need to have a special place in our lives for sex on that shaky bridge perched perilously high above the crashing waves! There’s a bit of a sexual thrillseeker in us all, and once the initial thrills of infatuation dissipate, we have to put time and effort into the process of seeking.

Part of the problem for most couples in long-term relationships is that when it comes to sex, we become trapped in the same old, dusty sex scripts that map our behavior from foreplay to goodnight kiss. For most couples, sex becomes a rote, serial process. First comes kissing and hugging. This in turn leads to genital stimulation. That leads to intercourse and orgasm (nearly always his and, hopefully hers). Same ol’ thing, same ol’ way. And, sure, you may know each other’s bodies more intimately and be able to provide each other with more dependable, frequent, even more intense orgasms, but, still, the spontaneity and surprise factors have grown stale.

As Dr. David Schnarch has wisely written of low-desire, sex-starved relationships, “Given the mediocre sex that lies behind common complaints of sexual boredom, low sexual desire often actually reflects good judgment. Rather than focusing on the low-desire partner, clinicians should wonder more about the high-desire partner who often wants more of the usual—often he or she does not know enough about sex or intimacy to realize the sex he or she is having may not be worth wanting.”

Whether in or out of the bedroom, couples need to create a sense of novelty. We need to throw away those old scripts and incite a true sense of discovery and surprise. Variety isn’t just the spice of life; it’s the very life blood of great sex.

F
ANTASY IS BOTH
the engine of desire and the lubricant of arousal. Even if a couple’s sex script becomes rote or formulaic, fantasy allows us to sheath the familiar in an exciting new skin.

Let me put it another way, from a purely physiological point of view, all orgasms look the same: Blood flows to the genitals (in a process known as vasocongestion), muscular tension (also known as myotonia) builds throughout the body to a peak, and a series of pleasurable pelvic contractions are triggered. That’s it—the whole kit and kaboodle.

But surely great sex is more than just maximizing pelvic contractions. As Jonathan Margolis has written in
O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm
,

Fantasy is what makes each and every one of those 1,200 trillion acts of sex absolutely unique. Fantasy is what differentiates us from one another erotically; fantasy confers on us our sexual individuality; fantasy is our sexual fingerprint.

Yet when it comes to sexual fantasy and the male mind, most women don’t have the first clue as to what’s really going on inside a guy’s head. Frankly that’s because the flipside of fantasy is fear, and many men are reluctant to acknowledge their inner thoughts to themselves, let alone to a partner. Numerous studies, as well as my own clinical experience, support the fact that many individuals see their sexual fantasies in a somewhat negative light and, thereby, repress them to varying degrees. How many times have I heard a guy say, “If she knew what was going on in my head, she’d think I was some sort of pervert.” But the truth is our sexual thoughts and fantasies are so unique that, to anyone else, each and every one of us is something of a pervert.

Relax. You’re not alone.

Studies have shown, time and again, that people fantasize during sex and not necessarily about the person they’re with. Not only is it normal, but it’s also healthy. Sexual fantasy, in and of itself, should never be construed as a sign that your relationship is in trouble or that you’re dissatisfied with your partner. Quite the contrary, sexual fantasy is an indicator that you’re alive and kicking. As I’ve said many times before and will do so countless times again, imagination and sex are consummate bed partners.

Fantasy, a close cousin of dreaming, allows your brain to be stimulated and entertained, so your body can relax. As neuroscientist Mark Solms, a leading expert in the field of sleep research, explains, “[D]reaming does for the brain what Saturday-morning cartoons do for the kids: It keeps them sufficiently entertained so that the serious players in the household can get needed recovery time. Without such diversion, the brain would be urging us up and out into the world to keep it fully engaged.”

While your fantasies likely extend beyond the lust for Scooby snacks, what this boils down to is that fantasies, much like dreams, free your brain to explore secret, extraordinary realms without the compunction of practicality, morality, or logic. Flooded by a barrage of images, memories, and thoughts, your body can, basically, kick back and enjoy the show. Fantasy also helps your mind to shut down, an important component of the female orgasm.

A recent study in which male and female brains were scanned during sexual arousal revealed that women virtually fall into a ‘trance’ during orgasm and that this brain “deactivity” is necessary for a female to orgasm. A big part of female arousal, much more so than of male arousal, seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety. Fantasy helps that happen. Says Dr. Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, [may] be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.” So keep fantasizing. Your body and mind are doing what comes naturally for you to experience orgasm.

Am I Normal?

The idea that fantasies aren’t normal comes from Freud, who declared, “a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.” The Bill Gates of sexuality, Freud enjoyed a virtual monopoly in the field. Psychiatrists and the academy jumped on the idea, developing what was commonly referred to as “deficiency theory”—the idea that fantasies signify some deficiency in individuals. A product of the Victorian age in an era of profound socioeconomic upheaval, Freud’s theories effectively bullied the sexually-shamed masses into submission. They rigidified the codification of sex and gender, labeling those who dared to deviate from these codes or even fantasize about something different perverts and hysterics.

Today we recognize, even valorize, that sexuality resides on a continuum where normal and abnormal are differentiated by subtle hues of gray. Just look at any Internet porn site, and you will find an encyclopedic menu of readily available prefabricated fantasies that span from orgies and bondage to sex with farm animals. In an economy largely divorced, as it were, from the family, it seems that fast-food fixes, like pornography, have come to force feed our inordinate hunger, enabling us to remain in stable relationships mired in sexual secrecy, shame, and guilt.

Of course, sexual fantasy can be a powerful and healthy tool to facilitate intimacy and pleasure. But how we, as individuals, deal with our fantasies—whether we embrace them, repress them, or use them as a substitute for intimacy—will depend on a variety of factors, especially our upbringing. Based on clinical data, approximately one out of four people report some degree of guilt, ambivalence, or fear associated with their sexual fantasies, so much so that it impairs their sex lives.

As an example, individuals from strict, authoritarian, or devoutly religious families are more likely to see their fantasies as forbidden, condemning them as sinful and immoral, based on the view that evil thoughts spawn evil deeds. Some simply find their fantasies embarrassing. Many fear that their fantasies signify mental illness or worry that, unless curbed, thoughts of illicit conduct will eventually bubble to the surface and demand overt enactment.

First, you have to ask yourself if your fantasies are a legitimate indication of ambivalence about your impending marriage. Is there something going on that you may not be admitting to yourself? The fact that you’re fantasizing about your fiancé’s brother could be your unconscious way of expressing doubt. It could also be a way of grappling with fears regarding your ability to sustain a long-term relationship through focusing on a taboo with the propensity to destroy your marriage. But if you love your fiancé and feel good about the wedding and your emotional readiness to commit, your fantasy may be nothing more than a “forbidden thought”—it’s often the things we’re
not
supposed to think about that are the most alluring.

What’s more, trying not to think about it is a sure way to escalate the situation and make the thought even more intrusive. In the mid-1980s, a University of Virginia psychologist named Dr. Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., studied the mechanics of thought suppression in an experiment known infamously as the “White Bear Study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind, with one caveat: No matter what, don’t think about a white bear. Yet, no surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it. They couldn’t stop thinking about the bear, which led the researcher to conclude that by suppressing a forbidden thought, the brain never has an opportunity to process it fully.

So what can we take away from this? Don’t let your brother-in-law turn into the white bear. Give yourself permission to enjoy the fantasy, and more likely than not, it will pass. The fact that the fantasy bothers you and feels “out of control” leads me to believe it stems largely from a fear of losing or unconsciously jeopardizing a relationship you cherish, which either statistics or your own experiences imperil with tenuousness. Ultimately, it’s not the fantasy itself that needs to be examined, but your reaction to it and what those feelings of shame, guilt, and lack of control may be telling you. However, if you find yourself growing more and more genuinely attracted to your potential brother-in-law beyond the sexually taboo scenario, you should evaluate the vows you’re about to take. After all, sometimes a bear really is a bear, and it may be time for you to get the heck out of forest!

Guilt over “forbidden fantasies,” such as the one just described, represents one of the strongest antagonists to uninhibited sexual fantasy and expression. Such fantasies usually center on sexual behaviors that are deemed morally unacceptable or illicit. An example is the conflicted desire many men feel for anal stimulation, an innocent pleasure that some associate with homosexuality.

Or a fantasy may call into question a sense of political conviction. For example, a feminist may feel ambivalent about indulging in a rape fantasy even in private, feeling she is trivializing or, worse, endorsing violence against women. Cultural values and social mores often sit in diametric contrast to sexual desires, giving them their taboo status and appeal. For example, I meet lots of sensitive guys raised in the wake of feminism, who, much like their feminist counterparts, feel guilty about fantasies involving sexual domination. In the best of circumstances, fantasies can help us bridge the gap between our inner worlds and the world at large, allowing us to explore safely what me most desire and fear.

Normal, but Different

So what
do
men really fantasize about? From the racks of porn magazines and advertising eye candy, it would appear, at first look, that big busted babes enjoy a near monopoly on the male gaze. But it is important to remember that mass media is just that; it’s pandering to the lowest common denominator.

The fact that most heterosexual men may be turned on by these images does not mean that this is all, or even foremost, what they individually find erotic. Bluntly put, tits and ass sell. To put it in a more palatable context, if you are an ardent enthusiast of imported dark chocolate and you’re given a Twinkie, in the service of “one in the hand beats two in the bush” (pun very much intended), you may indulge your sweet tooth. But that doesn’t mean that that’s what you would want, given a relative choice in the matter. Porn thus exploits a fast-food approach to male fantasy.

The male propensity to objectify body parts stands in marked contrast to women. While certainly appreciative of the male form, most women fantasize about sex within a more emotional, passionate context.

In one study of 300 college students, 41 percent of the women but only 16 percent of the men said their fantasies focused on the “personal or emotional characteristics of the partner.” Nonetheless, interpolate the economics and socialization aspects—such as the fact that until the advent of Internet pornography, women were far less likely to have easy access to porn and that most pornography is aesthetically geared toward men—and the gap between the numbers contracts. Luckily for women, they have, until recently, been a largely undertargeted market segment for pornography consumption and have thus developed a healthy aversion to the fast-food aspect of cookie-cutter pornography.

Other salient differences in male and female fantasies are that men are purportedly more likely to imagine themselves taking an aggressive or active role, whereas women often envision something being done to them. But, then again, this behavior has been codified as normative and causes the least amount of guilt and resistance. It is also a familiar semiotic shortcut that works.

Male fantasies often involve sex with two or more partners at one time. That said, I’ve observed that while many men fantasize about having a threesome with their partner, the additional partner they’re hoping for is not always a woman! And what is important to understand about the prevalence of male fantasies about lesbianism and orgies is that it alleviates the pressure to perform. The male spectator can envision being a welcomed, coveted participant from the safety of the sidelines, while he is free to let the images wash over him, free from physical compunction. Thus, it takes on a dreamlike quality as described earlier, in that it allows the male spectator to enjoy the visuals without forging an identification with a male protagonist required to perform.