He Loves Me Not: Lily’s Story, Book 1 (10 page)

A
ll week
long I waited to hear from Trevor, but didn’t get so much as a text.

Finals were coming up, and my stress level increased by the day. I wasn't sure if I was prepared for my exams, and I was pretty certain Trevor wasn't ready for his—assuming he even showed up.

Trying to focus on my reason for being in Reno, I pushed thoughts of Trevor out of my head and concentrated on school. I planned on getting all A's, but knew I’d have to work hard to make that happen.

Finals week arrived before I knew it and Trevor still hadn't come to class or to my apartment. On the day of my last exam I got to class early to review my materials, worried on Trevor’s behalf because he hadn't been in class for our Sociology final.

Pushing thoughts of him aside, I took my last test and drove home, relieved to have school over for a few weeks. Though I didn’t have plans for the break, I looked forward to having time to relax. Alyssa had invited me to spend time with her family, but I’d declined, preferring to spend the time alone.

I dug out the boxes I’d brought from the house in Lovelock, opened the lids, and gazed at the Christmas decorations. Memories flooded me—good memories of my father and Christmases past.

I'm going to make my home as warm and inviting as Dad's was
.

To bring that wish to fruition, I knew what I needed to do. After putting on a warm coat, I grabbed my purse and left my apartment. The thin layer of snow crunched beneath my feet as I walked to my car, but the roads were clear and in a few minutes I arrived at a small Christmas tree lot.

I chose a four-foot fir tree—something small enough to handle myself and not too big for my collection of ornaments. The lot worker helped me load it into my trunk, then without too much effort, I managed to drag it into my cozy home. I set it up in a corner, plugged my iPod into my player, and turned on my Christmas music playlist. As I listened to my favorite songs, I put up my meager collection of Christmas decorations.

Once done, I looked at the festive room but decided it needed one more thing to make it perfect—a fresh Christmas wreath.

They had wreaths at the Christmas tree lot.

After a quick trip, I’d picked one up, then headed home. To my utter pleasure and surprise, when I arrived at my apartment, I saw Trevor’s car parked at the curb. I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving, yet he’d been on my mind constantly. The wreath forgotten, I raced down the stone steps where I found him knocking on my door. “Trevor!”

He turned at my voice, his face lighting up. “You're home. I thought I'd missed you.”

I threw myself into his arms, not realizing until that moment how desperately I'd yearned to have him near.

He held me tight, burying his face in my long dark hair. “Lily,” he murmured. “I’ve missed you.”

After several moments I pulled back, a huge smile on my face. “It's freezing out here. Let's get inside.”

“I've missed this place these last couple of weeks,” he said once we were standing in my living room. “It looks great. Reminds me of home.”

“Thanks.” I beamed. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”

“Sure, that sounds good.”

He followed me into the kitchen and leaned against the counter while I fixed both of us a mug, then we took our drinks and sat on the couch.

“You got my note?” he asked.

“Yes. Are you just now getting back? That was a long trip.” I blew on my drink to cool it.

“Actually, I got back earlier this week, but I had finals to take.”

“I didn't see you in Sociology class. Did you take that one?”

“Yeah, the professor let me take it during one of her other sections.”

I set my mug on the coffee table. “So you got them all done?”

“Just barely. My grades aren't going to be as good this semester, unfortunately.”

“That's too bad.”

“It's my own fault,” he said, then he sipped his chocolate. “If I hadn't worked so many hours, I wouldn't have missed as much class.”

We were both quiet for a moment, lost in our own thoughts.

“Look,” he began, setting his empty mug on the table. “We need to talk.”

Afraid of where the conversation might go, my heart rate skyrocketed.

He smiled as he took my left hand in his. “I notice you're wearing the ring.”

Blushing, I said, “You caught me. I guess I just needed something to help me feel near you.”

He stroked my hand. “Hey, it's fine with me.” He looked at me with undisguised hope. “Does this mean you've decided?”

I hesitated briefly. “No, it doesn't. After what happened on Thanksgiving, things were left up in the air.”

“Yeah, that's kind of what I figured.” Still holding my hand, he said, “I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to a decision.”

I stilled, waiting to hear what he had to say.

“I'm going to do everything within my power to be what you want me to be.”

Somehow I didn't feel the joy I would have expected to feel at those words. “That's great, Trevor. Really it is.”

His smile dimmed. “You don't sound too excited.” He stood up and his lips pinched together. “I just can't please you, can I?” He stared at me. “First I leave town to think about what I can do to win you over—messing up my grades in the process. Then when I tell you I'll change, you seem less than excited. What’s the deal?”

“I understand why you're angry,” I began, but paused when he scowled at me. “I
am
happy that you're willing to change, but I want you to do it for the right reasons. Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it because you know that’s the life you want to live.”

“Oh, I get it. You think I need to grow up. Is that it?”

My eyes widened as my eyebrows drew together. “Is that such a bad thing, Trevor?”

Why can’t he see how important it is to consider the consequences of his actions? How his drinking could affect more than him?

Then a new question filled my mind

Or is that part of my attraction to him? The fact that he’s a bit of a rebel, that he doesn’t seem to care what anyone else thinks.

Vivid blue eyes crackling, he said, “Lily, I think you've led a sheltered life. For your information, everything isn't always black and white. There are a lot of grays in this world and I think it's time you realized that.”

“You know,” I said as I lifted my chin, “a person can be aware of the grays in life and still make smart choices.”

He shook his head and turned away before facing me again. “This conversation is going nowhere. You seem to think things have to be done your way or not at all. That doesn't work for me.” He looked just beyond my shoulder, as if weighing his next words, then he met my gaze. “I don't know what your father brought you up to expect in a husband, but maybe I'm not it.” His voice dropped. “I just don't know if we're right for each other.”

I flinched at his pronouncement, but defensive thoughts tumbled into my mind.

He doesn’t understand my point at all. What makes him think he knows so much about me? He doesn't know me as well as he seems to think he does.

Before he could say anything more, I leapt from the couch, yanked the ring off my finger, and shoved it into his hand. “You're exactly right, Trevor, so here's your ring back. I'll see you around.” With that, I dashed to the door, threw it open, then without making eye contact, I waited to see what he would do.

At first he didn’t move, just stared at my implacable face. But when it became clear I wasn’t going to change my mind, he stalked out the door and to his car.

The moment he was out of sight, I softly closed the door, then stared at the spot where he’d been only moments before.

All of a sudden, it hit me.

I just ended it with him. Completely.

I sank to the floor, my back to the door, and moaned, “What have I done?”

T
he next morning
I didn't wake until nearly noon—I’d been up most of the night rehashing my encounter with Trevor. Even after a nights’ sleep nothing had been resolved, and I fervently wished I could go back and handle our conversation differently.

It's all my fault. He was willing to change and I just threw it back in his face. What is wrong with me? Why couldn’t I be glad for his willingness to change? Can't I be pleased?

My stomach churned.

Will he be able to forgive my selfish behavior?

Completely miserable, I considered calling him, but was too ashamed by my behavior. Stewing over what to do, I made myself a late breakfast, then, not able to stand the torture any longer, I decided to call him.

I’ll invite him over so we can talk
.

The decision made, I was able to eat with a bit of an appetite—until I mentally rehearsed what I wanted to say. Nothing sounded quite right and I wondered if calling him would be such a good idea after all.

My need to at least try to talk to Trevor overrode my reticence, and I dialed his cell phone.

I'd been so concerned about what I would say that I hadn't considered that he wouldn't answer. The phone rang and rang, and when I heard his voice mail, I hung up.

Before despair could overcome me, I called Alyssa and told her all that had happened.

“I can't say I'm completely sorry you guys broke up,” she said. “But I
am
sorry you're feeling so bad. Why don't we get together tomorrow? Girl’s day out?”

The idea appealed to me. I needed to get away from my problems for a while. “Sure, why not? We could have some lunch, do some shopping, maybe go to a movie.” The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.

“I'll pick you up bright and early,” she said.

“
T
hat was a delicious lunch
,” I said as Alyssa and I left the restaurant. “I haven't eaten that well in quite a while.”

“You need to get out more,” she said, hooking her arm through mine. “Now, how about a little shopping before we go see that movie?”

“Sounds great!” I said as we walked toward her car.

Several hours later Alyssa dropped me off at my apartment. I turned up the heat on my way to the bedroom, then changed out of my jeans and sweater before pulling on a comfortable pair of sweats. I’d checked my phone for texts from Trevor throughout the day, but there had been nothing.

Has he even thought about me today?

Sadness threatened to overwhelm me, and I considered trying to call him, but still embarrassed by the things I’d said to him when he’d been trying so hard to please me, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Still full from lunch, I settled down with a novel and tried to forget my problems, but I found it hard to focus. Then I remembered my journal. I hadn't written in it in months, but I’d always enjoyed reading the passages from the past.

I set my book down, then went to my desk and quickly found it. I carried it back to the couch before opening to my last entry.

I've decided to leave Lovelock and go to the University of Nevada, Reno. It has a good Information Systems program and that's something I'm interested in. I leave tomorrow. Without Dad here I don't think I'll miss this place too much.

That night seemed so long ago now, although it had been less than four months. And as I considered all that had happened to me since that night, I knew I should write down everything while it was fresh in my mind.

I grabbed a pen, then I began writing, expressing my feelings about Trevor. I covered several pages, and as I reread my entry, something became very clear. I realized how very much I loved him and that I would accept him, imperfections and all.

The important thing is that he’s willing to try to change. I'm not perfect either, and I know I can be hard to please, but he's willing to overlook that. I love him and I know that my love can help him be a better person. As long as we love each other, what else matters? That is, if he still wants me.

I closed my journal and got ready for bed, disheartened by the course my relationship with Trevor had taken.

I wanted to make things right.

That night I had a dream.

I ran up and down the halls at school, opening and closing classroom doors, searching, searching.

“Trevor,” I called out.“Where are you?”

No one seemed to be around, but eventually I ran into a man that looked like Trevor’s boss, Rob.

Frantic to find Trevor, I pulled on Rob’s arm.“Have you seen Trevor?”

The man yanked his arm away, a look of irritation on his face. As he walked away, I sank to my knees, engulfed by desolation.

I woke abruptly, the feelings from my dream flowing over me. Pulling the blankets close around me, I shivered, but I had one overriding feeling.

I need him
.

B
efore I went
to Trevor’s apartment, I wanted to buy him a Christmas gift. When I’d gone shopping with Alyssa the day before, we’d concentrated on buying presents for her large extended family. I only needed to buy gifts for two people—Alyssa and Trevor. I hadn't become close to anyone else and knew my Christmas was going to be lonesome indeed. Trevor had invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family, but I didn't know if he would want to do that now. In fact, I wasn't sure when he was leaving for Vegas to be with his family. For all I knew he was already there, getting together with an old girlfriend.

The thought made my heart pound with jealousy.

Once at the mall it didn't take long to find something for Alyssa—a pair of earrings she’d admired the day before. I had them wrapped so I could drop them by on my way home before she left to spend the holidays with her family.

Figuring out what to get for Trevor was harder.

He’s seems to really like the Denver Broncos.

After searching through many stores, I settled on a team jacket. It cost a lot more than I'd wanted to spend, but I knew he'd love it, and I wanted to get him something that would show him I was thinking about him.

As I walked down the mall, I saw a booth that wrapped gifts and stopped to have Trevor’s gift wrapped. I bought a card at another store and decided to drop by his apartment after going to Alyssa's place, hopeful I would catch him home.

“Are you sure you don't want to come with me to my family's house?” Alyssa asked when I stopped by with her gift.

“No, really. I'll be fine by myself.” I pushed a reassuring smile onto my face.

Alyssa handed me a colorfully wrapped gift. “Here's your Christmas present.”

“Thank you. You’re so thoughtful.”

She smiled warmly. “Have a Merry Christmas, will you?”

“Don't worry. I'll be fine.”

As I drove to Trevor’s apartment it occurred to me that this would be the first time I’d been there, and I realized I’d never met his roommates.

I hope he won’t be angry that I’m stopping by unannounced
.

It took a few minutes to find the right apartment, and by the time I stood on his porch, I’d begun shivering from the cold—what little sun that had managed to push through the clouds earlier had nearly disappeared.

A tall, slender redhead answered my knock. “Can I help you?”

I stared at the woman.

Is she visiting Trevor?

“Is this Trevor Caldwell's apartment?” I asked.

The woman smirked. “Yeah, he lives here. But he's not home.” She eyed the package in my arms. “Is that for him?”

Suddenly unsure if I should leave it for him, I didn't reply.

“Well, is it? You can leave it for him if you want.”

“Beth, who's at the door?” a voice shouted from somewhere inside.

The redhead turned to look over her shoulder. “Some girl for Trevor.”

A dark-haired man came to the door and looked me up and down. “You must be Lily.” He grinned.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Trevor is always talking about you. No one else comes here looking for him.”

Relief swept over me. “Do you know where he is?”

He shook his head. “Sorry. Can't help you there. And I don't know when he'll be back.” He paused. “Maybe he's at work. I don't know his schedule.”

“Oh,” I said, then wondered if he could answer one question I had. “Do you know when he's going to Vegas?”

“Vegas? Why would he go there?” The man seemed genuinely puzzled.

My eyebrows drew together. “To see his family?”

“His family's all dead,” he said, a half-smile on his face. “They were murdered when he was in high school.”

Astounded, I just stared at the man. “I didn't know,” I finally whispered, then I turned away from the door.

“If you see him, tell him he got another package,” the man called after me.

I walked back to my car in a daze.

As I drove home I considered going to see Trevor at work, but after what his roommate had told me, I knew I couldn't face him yet.

Why would he tell me his family lives in Vegas? And invite me there for Christmas?

It was completely dark when I got home, and as I walked toward my door, a shiver of fear slid up my spine. I hadn't thought I’d get home so late and hadn't left the porch light on. With my key in hand, I felt around the door lock to find where the key needed to be inserted. After a moment I found it, and when the locks released, I shoved the door open and hastily flipped on all the lights.

With a quick glance around, I realized everything was as I’d left it. I sighed, relieved to be home. I set the gift from Alyssa under the gaily decorated Christmas tree, then placed the one I’d gotten for Trevor next to it. Only two, but the brightly wrapped packages cheered up the room.

After eating a light dinner, I curled up with a novel on the couch. The heroine in the story was having family issues, and as I thought about families, my mind went to Trevor’s family and what his roommate had revealed that afternoon.

Did he even know what he was talking about? Maybe Trevor just told him that, although I can't imagine why he would. Maybe I should call him.

I shook my head.

No, his roommate will tell him I came by. It's up to him now.

My mind made up, I went back to my book, but after rereading the same paragraph repeatedly, I knew trying to concentrate was useless.

I set the book beside me on the couch.

Last night I promised myself I'd make things right
.
But that was before I knew Trevor might have lied to me about his family.

With my eyebrows bunched, I stared at the wall.

There's no way to know until I ask him.

I grabbed my purse and dug out my cell phone, then with my fingers trembling slightly, I called Trevor’s number. It rang several times, and when I was about to hang up, I heard his voice.

“Trevor!” I said, surprised at how thrilled I was to hear his voice.

“Yeah? Who's this?” His voice sounded sleepy.

“It's me. Lily. Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, Lily, I didn't recognize your voice. You caught me sleeping. Why are you calling? I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with me.”

I pushed my hair out of my face as I tried to think of what to say. “I . . . I was wrong. I need to talk to you. Can you come over?”

“Right now?”

“Yes. It's not that late.”

Why is he hesitant to see me? Is he sleeping off a hangover?

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he said after a moment. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”