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Truth was, that terrible notion hadn't even occurred to me. My plan was more direct --- I would rush Fierro. Try to get close enough to point my Colt like a finger at his body and fire until I ran out of bullets. We would trade slugs until one or both of us died.

"Put your hands here," she said. "Press hard."

"Alicia," I said, "I can't have you doing this. Killing a man --- even a man like that, and like this --- it changes you."

"We don't have time," she said. "He doesn't have time," she said, nodding at the man whose blood covered her hands. "Bud doesn't have fucking
time,
now. And we have no other options. You've seen to that, Héctor. Now put your fucking hands here and help this man."

Cursing, I laid the sniper's rifle down and shifted positions with her. As she took her hands away, a small geyser of blood erupted from Agent Brown's neck. I pressed my hand to his wound as Alicia took my former position. She picked the gun up awkwardly, trying to get it up against her shoulder. Her posture was wrong; her grip was all wrong. But it would have to do. After she pulled that trigger, she'd have a bruise on that right shoulder. But that bruise would fade. The other effects of the shot...? I felt sick inside.

I saw her adjusting the gun, trying to sight in on Fierro.

Licking my parched lips, I said hoarsely, "Do you see him yet?"

"Yes." I heard this intake of breath from her mouth. "Oh God, poor Bud."

"Don't look at him, darling. Focus on Fierro. You see the crosshairs?"

"Yes."

Put them on the tip of Fierro's nose, if you can see it."

"I can."

"Put them there then." Adjusting for wind, distance --- there was no time to talk her through these things. Aiming at his nose would likely put the bullet in his mouth or chin, or high up on the forehead, or through either eye. It would likely take him out, either way.

I said, "When you feel the gun is steady, and those hairs are steady on your mark, take a deep breath, and then pull the trigger. Don't flinch when you do it. The bullet will be on its way before you can react, so don't anticipate the sound, or the kick of the rifle before they happen. Just take a deep breath, check your target a last time, and squeeze the trigger with even pressure."

I waited for what seemed like five minutes.

Then I heard the crack. I heard her scream and watched her head drop.

38

I said, "Alicia. Honey? Did you hit him?"

She was shaking all over. She turned to look at me, pulling the long black curtain of hair from her face with a shaking hand. "I'm pretty sure."

"Come over here," I said, nodding at Agent Brown. "Please. Take over."

She slid back over and pressed her hands to Agent Brown's wound.

I retrieved the walkie-talkie and raised the pilot. I said, "Agent Brown is down. The others are all dead. We need you here now, and you need to get a hospital prepared to receive him in San Diego. We're near a shack about 1.5 miles south of your present location. It's the only structure in sight."

I squeezed Alicia's arm. "Chopper will be here in a minute. I'm going to go get Bud."

On shaking legs, my vision blurred, I ran low through the mesquite to where Bud was staked out. I kept my Colt out, waiting to be fired on by Fierro or some confederate of his who might be hiding in the brush.

But no more shots came.

Fierro was sprawled on his back, blinking and unable to speak. Alicia had shot him in the neck. His arms and legs weren't moving. Fierro was paralyzed and maybe shot through the vocal chords, to boot.

The Butcher was alive, but it would be a hell of a way to spend one's declining years.

I holstered my Colt and dug out my Swiss Army knife.

"Are you with me, Bud?"

His voice was hoarse. "Hector? Oh thank Christ, Hector!"

"Don't move, son. I'm gonna cut your arms and legs loose, then we're going to count three and I'm going to pull you off that goddamned plant."

First, I pulled the rocks from his back. I wrapped an arm around his skinny torso to support his weight as I cut loose the ropes from his ankles and wrists and from around his waist.

I said, "On three." Then, before counting "one," I jerked him backward onto my lap.

He screamed and blacked out on me. I checked his pulse --- he hadn't checked out for keeps.

Most of Bud's wounds looked superficial. Two looked deep. I tore off my own necktie and tore it into fat strips. I rolled up two of these and thrust them in Bud's deepest belly wounds. They'd pulled off Bud's boots and burned the soles of his feet with cigarettes. They had apparently done the deed with Bud's own cigarettes, judging from the stubs and the brand of the empty cigarette pack on the ground. If that didn't make him quit smoking, nothing would.

I got him up on my shoulder and then, grateful for his skinny-assed frame, I carried Bud Fiske a hundred yards across that sweltering desert.

Visions of heart attacks or hemisphere-paralyzing strokes loomed. As I drew closer, I squinted against the sand kicked up as the helicopter descended.

Bud came-to as the helicopter settled to the ground. He said, "The skull didn't fool, Fierro. He said Obregón was the one who intercepted the head all those years ago. Fierro was looking for a particular hole at the top of the head where Obregón kept his fountain pen. That's how he knew the one we gave Emil was a fake."

I said, "Don't talk, Bud."

Nearly done in, I reached the helicopter that was now waiting. Agent Brown was already inside and stretched out. Alicia was taping thick pads to his neck.

She said, "Is Bud alive?"

"He'll make it," I said.

"And Fierro?"

Goddamn me anyways, sometimes. I wanted Fierro to myself. I didn't think about the effect my callous lie would have on her.

I should have said, "Fierro is still alive. You saved Bud." That would have been good.

Instead I said the words
I
would have wanted to hear under those circumstances. I said, "You're a good soldier. You killed that monster dead. Put him down like a pro."

The look in her eyes ... my God. I fancy myself a writer and I couldn't describe what I saw. But I knew I hated it. I knew on my best day at the writing table, I could never hope to capture that ineffable look of self-loathing she wore. And I hated myself for putting it there.

The pilot said, "We're low on fuel, and now we'd be flying out with one more than we went in with. And these guys are on their backs, so there's not much room. Can you see to yourself until I can get help here, sir?"

"Think Hoover will really send help?" I smiled. "My car is here. I'll drive myself back. I hoisted the radio. Just leave your unit on, so when I'm in range, you can maybe tell me which hospital to go to."

He smiled and nodded. "Gotta go and I mean now."

Alicia said to me, "You'll be all right, with the blood sugar?"

"I'll find something to eat. I'll be fine. I'm sorry---"

"Not now," she said.

I stood squinting at the glare from the helicopter's windscreen as the copter lifted away. I waved goodbye to Alicia with my Colt in my hand.

The keys to my Bel Air were in the car. I opened the glove compartment and found a stash of crackers and melting candy bars Bud had put there. I wolfed down two candy bars and then walked back to Fierro.

I tried to get him to speak, but he couldn't. His eyes implored me.

So I smiled at him. There was an anthill about four feet from where they had staked out Bud. Fierro was probably saving that torture technique for later. I went back to my Chevy. I found that little bottle of honey shaped like a bear that Alicia had been using to spike her tea. I poured a thin trail of honey from the anthill over to Fierro. I emptied the bottle across his eyes, which, when I had finished, were opened wide, sticky and begging.

I said, "Don't run off."

Then I went into the shack. Not much there. I pulled the bodies of Fierro's lieutenants inside, found some old papers and fuel oil and torched the place with the corpses inside. Less for J. Edgar to have to fret over.

Before I left, I stood over Fierro a last time. The ravenous ants were about a foot from finding The Butcher. I leaned in close to Fierro and said, "
Viva Villa
."

Two miles north of the shack, I hit a roadblock. I recognized the car --- a Buick. It was that third vehicle that had fallen in behind Fierro's car when Bud was snatched hours before. Five young guys with guns were crouched behind the car. They yelled, "We want the head."

More fucking frat boys.

Christ but I was soul sick of this and their ilk. I got out, my hands up. I walked to the back of my Chevy and opened the trunk. All those guns that Bud and me had collected were there, resting there at the ready.

Could have had me my own private Alamo out there on the outskirts of TJ.

It would have been a good and a colorful death. But I had dimming dreams of life with this Mexican lady and her little girl.

Grunting, I pulled out one of the carpetbags with one of the lesser heads and flung the thing into the dust between us.

I pointed at the bag and yelled to them, "Take it. Stick it in your fucking trophy cabinet. And now forget you know me, yeah?"

I had a lot of time in the car alone driving back up to San Diego.

Can't say I enjoyed the company.

39

They said that Agent Brown would pull through.

Alicia had finally taken a cab back home to her daughter and grandmother. I said I'd call her in a few days to check on her. That's all it would be, "checking in." Alicia had made it clear that I wouldn't be getting to know that little girl of hers.

She hugged me hard and left without kissing me.

Bud Fiske, recuperating, had borrowed a typewriter and locked himself in an L.A. hotel room to bang out his overdue article about yours truly.

"I'm having trouble figuring out how to write it," he confessed.

"Screw that," I told him. "Just do it. Make it up. Have fun with it. Build a legend around me."

The poet shook his head. "I can't do that."

"You have to, Bud. The last few days we've lived...nothing there to be used. Just make it up. It's what I do, all the time."

Bud looked skeptical. "Sure."

"Yeah ---
sure
," I said, firmer now. "I do it every morning, at least three hours a day, every day, whether it's shit or not. Only way to get anything done. Besides, you can't ever tell
True
the truth."

"All right then," he said finally, after some more pushing.

With Alicia gone and Bud busy writing, I was left at ends --- always a dangerous way for me to be.

So I bit my lip, held my nose, and drove to Venice to close out my lingering business with Orson Welles.

Here's a secret for you. Next time that you watch
Touch of Evil
, carefully study those vignettes with Orson and Marlene. If you've got a good eye on you, you'll notice something. After an establishing shot in their very first scene, they are never again in frame together. When Marlene says her lines to "Hank Quinlan," that's me she's talking to.

Orson delivered his lines to some Mexican extra that at least should have been Alicia. But I'd cost her that gig, too.

That's my hand you'll see in the film, drunkenly spreading those damned fortune-telling cards. And I was drunk ... flying on mescal.

After filming, safe in Marlene's trailer that was laced with the smell of her cooking and us, together, I rolled off her.

I reached down for a towel and wiped my cum from her flat belly. She sighed and stretched and moved her thigh over my crotch and ran her fingers through my chest hair. It was sweltering in the trailer. I leaned over and kissed her small, salty left breast.

"Thank you for doing this for Orson," she said.

"You know that I didn't do it for him."

"Then you'll do one more thing for me. You'll call Papa, won't you?"

I sighed. My Teutonic chanteuse was indomitable. "I will. But not tonight and maybe not tomorrow."

She bit my shoulder and I winced and knotted my fingers in her tousled hair --- it was dark with dye for her role as "Tanya." I kissed her, hard. Marlene said, "Promise me, Hector. And make it a real promise, yes?"

"I promise, Kraut. Cross my heart---"

She quickly pressed her stained fingers to my lips. "The luck," she said. "Don't send those kinds of thoughts out into the world. It's enough for me that you promise."

"I want to spend the night here," I said.

Though we hadn't discussed her, Marlene seemed to know about Alicia and me. Maybe she had been playing with those damned Tarot cards that had been given to her as a prop for her character --- perhaps in the cards she saw my plight.

Marlene smiled a sad smile. "Tonight you can stay."

I tipped my head back on her arm, my scarred hand stroking her flat belly.

She was softly singing something.

"What is that tune?"

"It's an old Mexican song that Papa taught me," she said. "I sing it with the German lyrics. It's called
Canción Mixteca
."

I felt the hairs rise on the back of my neck.

40

That morning, I spent an hour going over my car, fender to bumper, inside and out --- tearing off gizmos that had been planted on it.

I called the management company and told them they had a rental back on their hands --- let someone else enjoy that Tom Mix vibe.

Bud offered to let me read his first draft of my profile in typescript. I demurred. "I'm gonna love it, I'm sure," I said. "Besides, I need something to look forward to."

Bud nodded, looking reluctant. "So what now?"

"I need to get back down to New Mexico. To pick up a parcel ... make a delivery."

"What parcel?"

"Pancho Villa's real head."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Give it to the one who should have it."

"You need someone to ride shotgun?"

"I didn't think there was a chance in the world you'd agree, or I would have asked."

"I want to come," Bud said. "Finish right. Like we started. Just you and me."

"That's great," I said, and meant it.

41

We took our time, ambling slowly down toward New Mexico and, eventually, to the border.

Along the way, we did some sightseeing ... hung out in some taverns hosting good musicians. I started drinking again.

Bud was tapering off the cigarettes. I tried to follow his example on that front.

One night, I also tried to buy him a woman.

He wasn't going for it. "I can't pay for that," he said.

"I'm paying," I said.

"I mean that I can't pay for sex. It's ... not something I can do under those circumstances. Couldn't perform. It wouldn't be any good, Hector."

"We're men, Bud," I said. "The worst we ever have is fine. And you know, this gal I'll find for you, she's a pro. She's paid to let you be you."

"That's ... abhorrent."

I decided, pretty quickly then, it was best not to push.

We drove on.

The box was waiting for me at the hardware store.

We took Pancho's mummified head and stopped at my hacienda to spend the night. I hid the head in the wheel well of my Chevy again.

My place was quiet ... dusty. I didn't sleep too good.

Bud sat up reading the draft of my new novel --- background for his article, he said.

In the morning we set off for
la Quinta
Luz.

Pancho Villa purportedly had many women --- many "marriages."

But there's really only one woman who is recognized by most as his "official" wife.

Hell, Pancho himself seemed to regard her as his one true woman.

They married in 1914, when she was a girl of twenty.

I had called ahead about our reason for coming. On the phone, she told me that a local priest who married them asked Pancho to first declare his sins. He refused, saying that that would "take days." My kind of groom.

Pancho set Luz Corral Vda. De Villa up in this big old house in Chihuahua City called
Quinta de Luz
. The French-style house is two stories tall and stuccoed pink. It is made of brown stone and has 40 rooms and an open center courtyard. In that courtyard, squatting under the trees heavy with fruit, is the bullet-riddled black Dodge that her husband died in --- shot to death while leaving another wedding.

The widow's house is rambling, crumbling and wonderful. My own place back in New Mexico would fit inside, twice.

Luz had turned the house into a museum to her late husband.

She stood by her legendary husband through his incessant sexual betrayals. She accumulated the memorabilia and detritus of his crazed life. And now, seventy-four-years-old and in astonishingly good health, she lived with the slain general's memory all around her.

Such unwarranted devotion made me wonder: where do callous bastards like Villa and me go to find such women?

Villa's luck, I could only suppose, was simply so much better than my own. I hadn't found a devoted caretaker for me or for my memory ... not yet.

We rang the bell and Luz Corral de Villa personally answered the door.

"So many," she said, "they try to
fool
me. I hope you are not like them."

"No," I said. "We want no money. We want nothing but to give him back to you so he can rest at last."

We went inside into the cool from the punishing sun. The floors were covered in expensive Italian tile. The old bandit seemingly liked to live well.

Pancho Villa's hats and gun belts hung on the walls.

Myriad photos hung on the walls, too. Photos of Pancho on his mare ... standing with Black Jack Pershing (that cocksucker Rodolfo Fierro peering over Villa's left shoulder). Pistols were displayed in glass cases. It was really all more than the eye could absorb.

She led us to a sitting room and I gently deposited the carpetbag on an overstuffed French divan. Luz approached the bag, slowly and carefully.

She opened it and pulled out the head, wrapped in that Navaho rug. She unbundled it, her eyes glistening.

The old woman picked the head up in her wrinkled hands and examined it.

She began to weep and she kissed its forehead.

I turned my gaze away, unable to watch her --- it felt like an invasion. I looked at Bud. He looked away from her and from me, his eyes wet.

She placed the head on a table and then kissed my hands with those old lips --- the lips that had just kissed the head of Pancho Villa.

She said,
gracias
over and over.

I kept saying
de nada
.

The widow bustled over and hugged Bud, then came back and kissed my hands again.

The little widow offered to pay us. Hell, she had no money except pesos from those who came to tour the house.

We refused.

She offered us lunch. I was sorely tempted to stay and hear some stories about Villa, but she kept casting glances at her husband's long-lost head.

"It would be wonderful," I said, "But we really must go," I lied.

She looked around, wringing her hands. Then she went to a display case.

She pulled out a set of spurs.

"My husband's favorites." She handed one to me and the other spur to Bud.

"Don't say no," she said. "It's the least we can give you for bringing Pancho home."

42

It seemed wrong to be dissolute --- to wander through cantinas and to drink and carouse after that exchange with Pancho Villa's one, true widow. We certainly couldn't do any of that in his own town.

So we crossed the border bridge again.

We pulled up in front of my house.

It was not good to be home.

Bud retrieved his long-languishing, rented Buick from my garage. He had been given another assignment for
True
. The editors wanted him to profile Mickey Spillane. In a rare fit of self-restraint, I kept my opinion to myself.

Bud said, "I'll try to get down here again, come the fall, if you'll have me, Hector. Maybe we could drive down to Galveston Bay ... do some deep-sea fishing. You, me and a boat."

"Sounds good," I said. "I'd really like that."

"Hell, it sounds
wonderful
," he said.

We both knew it would never happen.

The young poet left and I stood there alone in my driveway, watching the dust kicked up by his tires slowly sift back down.

Hemingway's phone number weighed heavily in my wallet.

Perhaps I'd finally make that call ... inveigle an invitation to Cuba. So many years had passed, maybe we could recapture that old vibe. I took a breath, pulled out the slip of paper with his number, and dialed the operator.

43

Excerpt from
True Magazine,
October 1957
:

Lassiter:

A Portrait Of The Artist

As "Crime Writer"

By Eskin "B." Fiske

Self-described "crime writer" Hector Lassiter lives in the last house in New Mexico, so close to the Rio Grande he could toss his empties in the river from the window above his Smith and Corona typewriter.
The trap for all writers who enter the public consciousness as Lassiter has --- as, say, a Hemingway has --- is the tendency on the part of passionate fans to confuse their favorite writers with the characters that they have created.
That tendency is particularly tough if you are Hector Mason Lassiter, now 57, who came up through the old pulp magazines and occasional scripts for radio crime dramas. His characters include boxers, hard-drinking private detectives and cops, hired killers and desperate men whose lives fall apart in squalid hotels awash in flickering neon that strobes through slitted shades. Often, these men smoke and drink too much. Lassiter's men routinely take and hand out savage beatings most mere mortals wouldn't survive.
Lassiter, the man and the writer, stands in stark contrast to the rogue males about whom he has written in a string of classic crime novels that have shaped and defined the genre.
Each morning at five, Hector Lassiter rises and brews a pot of strong black Cuban coffee --- a brand he developed a taste for while living many years ago in Key West. As his pungent coffee brews, Hector Lassiter shadow boxes and punishes himself with a frenetic series of sit-ups, push-ups and leg lifts.
Then he writes.
"Three hours a day, minimum," Lassiter told me, sitting in his big study filled with his own books and the books of a few others whom he respects. "Rain or shine, holidays or funerals, there are no exceptions or excuses. On a good day --- a really good day --- I may do five hours."
Midday in extreme southern New Mexico is like Hell in the off-season --- "sweltering" doesn't cover it, and talk of a "dry heat" will get your ass kicked. So Hector Lassiter usually naps, then showers and eats a light lunch. Afternoons are spent reading and revising his morning's output. That takes perhaps another two hours.
Then it's time for relaxation: the bull-or cockfights in Juárez, drinks with matador friends and fellow aficionados, or entertaining the more comely Hollywood stars he now moves among as one of Tinsel Town's most sought after screenwriters. Ava Gardner, Carol Baker, Marilyn, he's been spotted with all of them on his arm.
One of his longtime friends is Marlene Dietrich; both deny persistent rumors of an affair. But Lassiter admits the German-born actress/singer probably knows him better than any other woman --- certainly better, he says, a little ruefully, than his first three wives.
"Hector is too easily misunderstood," Dietrich argues. "He is like Papa (Hemingway) in that way. He writes so cleanly and with such masculine voice and absolute authority that the subtle art of his writing is often missed. Hector is so much more than a crime writer, but reviewers haven't learned that yet. Since his first novel appeared in 1925, he has been giving us pictures of life as it truly is in our cities, in our outposts and in the American West. And it is interesting to me, interesting and funny and even a little bit sad, that his very best short stories have no crime in them at all.
"Like Hemingway," Marlene Dietrich continued, "he has this other terrible talent --- you find yourself warped or transformed by his writing. You find yourself speaking in the cadence and language of his characters. In his presence, you sometimes feel like a character in one of his books."
Actor and director Orson Welles agrees. On the set of
Touch of Evil
, where Lassiter was visiting as a consultant, Welles said, "Hector, really, is the last of that great breed of martial men steeped in the Western Canon and wholly committed to the craft of writing. I put him in that same vanishing class as a Kipling. A Bierce. Oh, and Hemingway, of course."
Lassiter's military record is at once transparent and mysterious. At age 15, he lied about his age and enlisted. Soon he was chasing the Mexican general Pancho Villa, riding behind Black Jack Pershing.
Following an injury in a skirmish in the high country when a part of the Punitive Expedition, Lassiter shipped out to Europe, eventually to serve as an ambulance driver along the Italian front. It was there that he met his longtime friend Ernest Hemingway. Ernest was slightly older and treated Lassiter as a kid brother.
After the war, when many writers of his generation were still finding their way to Paris, Lassiter instead located to Key West, where Hemingway would later join him. Like his present house --- his sprawling hacienda in La Mesillia --- Lassiter's Key West house was barely in the United States. "I like living on the edge, I suppose," he said. "Key West was practically like living in the tropics. Prohibition
wasn't
, down there. It was bohemian. It rained every day. I love the rain. But then Flagler and that ****sucker FDR ruined Key West ... turned it into a tourist trap ... tried to build that damned highway and rail-line. It was time to get out."
But there were also dark rumors of gun-running and rumrunning, the smuggling of refugees from Cuba into the United States.
Next came Seattle, another last American outpost. There, Lassiter lived on an island in Puget Sound. But he sold that cabin in 1941 when he left for Europe to cover the Second World War for a score of major magazines, news agencies and overseas newspapers. There, Lassiter was dogged by rumors of engaging in more than journalism. Some embittered correspondents whom he scooped claimed that Lassiter endangered their protected status by carrying firearms and secretly spying on behalf of Allied Intelligence Agencies. There have even been rumors of his having organized his own band of guerilla fighters during the final fight to liberate Paris. Confronted with these rumors, Lassiter said, with typical laconic good cheer, "Bull****."
In 1946, Hector Lassiter finally made his way back home. He moved as close to the Mexican border as he could and maintain American residency. There he built his present home.
His newest novel is titled
The Land of Dread and Fear
--- a wrenching study of Texas-Mexico tensions and lonely men confronting mortality along that border.
"These days,
all
days, I seem to be drawn to the borderlands," Lassiter said. We were sitting in a backroom of a cantina on the outskirts of Ciudad Juárez at the time. "
The Land of Dread and Fear
exemplifies that inchoate obsession of mine," he said.
Lassiter will be staying in
La Frontera
for his next project: He's agreed to supply the script for a film by legendary director Sam Ford. The cyclopean auteur is working on a movie he's dubbed
Rooster of Heaven
, a hard-bitten tale of cockfighting and other "bloodsports" to be filmed on location in Ciudad Juárez and Tijuana. The promise of location shooting is what sold Lassiter on the project.
"It's important to me, and to the audience, to see Mexico how she is, not as we would wish her to be. We need to see the squalor ... the deprivation that drives her people --- people like Marita, the young unwed mother in my new novel --- to risk everything crossing the Sonoran Desert, or trying to swim the Rio Grande. We need to see those real Mexican faces ... to hear authentic voices. It turns my stomach every time I see Wallace Beery playing Pancho Villa as a drunken lout in a ridiculous suit of lights. The real Villa, love him or detest him, was a nuanced and complex creature and a military genius. He was a man who never drank and in fact banned alcohol in his native province. He was a passionate land reformer and a man committed to literacy and the education of children.
"We don't want to see the real Mexico, or its people," Lassiter continued. "How many of the sad people who read those damned movie magazines remember that Rita Hayworth ain't really Rita Hayworth? Her real name is Margarita Cansino. She was born south of the border. The Hollywood types plucked her hairline to give her a more 'American' forehead. They dyed her hair red and they put her on impossible diets. You think Lupe Velez is really the typical Mexican woman? I can tell you she isn't."
A young Mexican actress on the set of
Touch of Evil
has read many of Hector Lassiter's books. She read them before she met the man on the set of the film in which she makes her debut. She told your correspondent, "There is an old saying, 'Trust the art not the artist.' Mr. Hemingway, he has his own version: 'It is a dangerous thing to know a writer.' Mr. Lassiter exudes charisma. He robs rooms of their oxygen. He listens to what people say. So few people really listen to one another now --- not just the words, you understand, but the spaces and messages between the words, underlying them. I think it is a little dangerous to read Hector Lassiter and then to come to know him, even a little. When you do that, and then you go back and read his books again, well, it makes one more than a little sad. But he loves my country --- particularly its women. I suspect if he can be said to have one great regret, it might be that he was not born Mexican. I suspect he would have preferred to have ridden with Pancho Villa instead of after him."
44

Bud Fiske's profile of me made me laugh --- for about a minute.

At first flush, I wished every word was ... well,
True
.

Then it made me sad. Maybe even a bit angry.

Like all profiles, it didn't really catch me: my truculence; my selfishness; my tendency to try too hard to please. Well, to please pretty women, anyway.

So I read the piece two more times and realized that Fiske's profile of me was, at base, a minefield --- a series of carefully couched signals. Signals sent by Fiske, of course, but also perhaps by Marlene and by Orson Welles if their quotes were at all accurate. Perhaps they were not. Mine certainly weren't. But then I'd encouraged Fiske to make it all up anyway.

But it was more than that. It was Bud Fiske trying to assign me some social relevance regarding issues and topics I assumed to be of importance to Bud. For surely they weren't my causes. Some of it portrayed me as the crusader I could only guess Fiske wished or was trying to will me to be.

And Marlene and Orson claimed a
gravitas
for my "oeuvre" it didn't deserve and I didn't intend for it.

I suspected that the editors of
True
must have been disappointed with the piece. It ran shorter than most they published and ended abruptly. It was as though someone setting type said, "Enough of this somber, self-important bullshit."

In the previous February's issue,
Tru
e did a major "book-length" profile of Hemingway as seen by his "friends and enemies." I'd gotten a call or two for quotes, but resisted. Probably just as well --- the article was edgy and bitchy. I'm sure that Hemingway must have hated the thing.

But the editors, and most of their readers, I suspect, must have loved that sucker.

With me they'd gotten this hagiography --- worse, a sanctimonious distortion ... there among the adverts for Carling Black Label Beer, Weaver Scopes, Starcraft boats and Norm Thompson's "Adventure" boots. There among breathless articles on the Cleveland Headhunter and the semi-nude photos of Anita Ekberg. I threw the magazine down in disgust.

I couldn't bear my lonely house. I put on a stack of Marelene's records, but every song ripped through me --- "Illusions," "Let's Call It A Day" and "Something I Dreamed Last Night."

Every day brought stinging rain --- the remnants of Hurricane Audrey.

Things weren't good down south, either --- a massive earthquake had struck Mexico City and killed scores.

So I climbed into my dusty Chevy and drove until I hit El Paso.

I ambled around town for a while; stood and looked at the place where Bud and me had "found" his cowboy hat. It made me feel even lonelier. I missed the scrawny cocksucker so much it surprised me.

After a time, I asked directions to the nearest whorehouse.

I paid forty dollars for a pretty young Mexican thing who was just "finding her feet," so to speak, in the life. Maybe it was the diabetes. Maybe it was my age (or hers). Hell, maybe it was some flavor of new-found scruples.

Whatever it was, I just couldn't.

Her mouth and her youth, her black eyes and hair, her small, pert breasts and lush hips, everything she had --- well, it wasn't enough for me.

So I sat there in her sad, dirty bed for an hour, talking to her, listening to her story. I tried in my best storyteller's fashion to talk her out of that dead-end life she'd chosen for herself and into mine.

She wasn't going for my pitch.

I didn't know which one of us that said less for.

My time up, I dressed and stumbled across the street to the VFW Hall.

I flashed my card at the door at the wounded, drunken gatekeeper and he waved me in with his remaining arm.

It was dark and cool inside --- a wanton womb for old and broken men. The air was laced with blue-gray streams of cigarette smoke and reeked of beer. Buddy Loy Burke was playing on the jukebox: "Soldier's Lament." Felt like home. Then someone dropped coins for Marlene Dietrich: "I May Never Go Home Anymore." Now it
was
just like home.

Now it was just me and all the other old campaigners --- sitting there with their eyepatches, missing legs and their hooks-for-hands.

There were veterans from all the brand-name wars: World War I, World War II, Korea ... Maybe even a few from the Pershing Expedition. There were a few others who must have been roped into other, perhaps clandestine conflicts that never achieved marquee status.

Sitting in the corner was one ancient man whom I guessed for a bonafide Civil War vet --- probably the last of the bugle boys. He was in a wheel chair. I took the table next to his. The bartender called to me across the room, "What'll it be, Ace?"

I fished out my Zippo and a pack of Pall Malls. I said, "Scotch, neat. And make the first one a double."

The Civil War vet sipped his beer and said, "Hard liquor --- that'll kill you faster than anything, sonny."

I smiled and blew some smoke. "Promise?"

There was an old piano in the corner. When the jukebox played out, I moved over there and sat down. I play a little. I began banging out "Canción Mixteca." I began to sing the Spanish lyrics by José López Alavés. He was a Mixtec Indian who hailed from Oaxaca:

How far I am from the land where I was born

Immense sadness fills my thoughts

I see myself so alone and so sad

Like a leaf in the wind

I would like to cry I would like to die

From the feeling

Land of the sun

I long to see you

Now that I live so far from your light, without love

I see myself so alone and so sad

Like a leaf in the wind.

An old Mexican who had volunteered to fight with us in World War II picked up his flamenco guitar and accompanied me. He was missing an important finger on his right hand, yet played beautifully. Another old Mexican vet who crossed the border to fight Hitler picked up his accordion.

Soon, every veteran in the joint was singing with me. I'd almost reached the end of the song when I realized that I was crying.

BOOK TWO

---

1967,

THE

LAND OF DREAD

AND FEAR

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