Headstrong (29 page)

“Yikes,” she confirmed.

“Yeah. Brilliant. So anyhow, I tried, okay?”

“You’ve got it bad,” Annie said, her stream of bartenderly advice seeming to have run dry.

“No shit, shopkeep.”

“Well, I’m still hungry,” she said. “You going to get me that menu or what?”

He groaned. “Annie—”

“Just
go
. Embrace the misery. You don’t get to go back to the way you were, so find your knackers and deal with it.”

Colin clenched his eyes shut, submitting. He slipped off the stool and strode through the door, determined to make this trip as quick as humanly possible. He clomped up the steps, a warning, on the off-chance there was something he couldn’t handle taking place in the living room.

As door swung open, Colin felt his anxiety shift twice in quick succession. That Libby was in the living room, alone, was a huge relief. That she was crying was worrisome.

“Hey, hey, hey.” He hurried to where she was leaning, doubled over, hands braced on the arm of the couch. He took her by the shoulders and straightened her up. “What’s going on? You okay?” He heard the shower shut off in the bathroom.

“No,” she said, trying to slip from his grasp. “I have to go.”

He ignored a sharp elbow to his ribs and held her fast. “No way—it’s wretched out there.”

“It’s wretched here too.” Her quiet rasp said Reece wasn’t meant to overhear her being upset. She glanced around the flat, seeming to relinquish any last shred of dignity she might’ve fought to keep.

“Then come down to the bar with me,” Colin said. “We’ve got a function room that’s empty. Please? Don’t go running off into the night like Cinderella. Again.” He glanced down at her bare feet.

She pursed her lips, and he gave her a little shake.

“Please?” he said. “It’s not a Thursday. I won’t know where to find you.”

Chapter Sixteen

Libby pulled her sneakers on and followed Colin downstairs. She let him deposit her in a large room off the rear of the bar, empty save for a torn-up old pool table, and some wine crates and spare chairs stacked by one wall. Colin had grabbed two pillows from his bed, and he tossed them on the pool table. He flicked on a row of faux-Tiffany ceiling lamps, bathing them in a tacky but somehow comforting light.

He patted the felt surface of the table to indicate she should have a seat. “You want some wine?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Libby was happy to submit. She had no idea what to do with what she was feeling at this moment, or even what that might be. Disappointed, humiliated, confused…relieved? That couldn’t be right. She toyed with the lone three-ball that been left on the table, rolling it beneath her palm.

Colin disappeared through the swinging saloon doors. A few moments later music started up in the bar, drowning out the idle chatter and the drone of the television. He returned and slid the lock in place to keep patrons from wandering in.

Libby took the glass he offered, and he joined her in sitting cross-legged on the table. They rolled the ball back and forth for a few moments, it and her skirt and their matching red and white shoes against the green felt reminding her of Christmas.

“Did you put the music on?” she asked.

“Yeah. I put in about twenty dollars’ worth of songs. Should give us a little privacy. Normally I like to go up to the roof when I’m feeling upset, but I didn’t think drowning would improve your evening much.”

“Thanks.”

“You want talk about anything? Or shall I just hold you prisoner in silence?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“I’m sorry I’m the one who came running after you,” Colin said.

“Yeah, again.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged an apology in Reece’s stead.

“He doesn’t know I’m upset this time, either. And I don’t want him to.”

“This is
none
of my business,” Colin said, “but what on earth is going on behind that closed door? And how come every time it’s over you seem to be crying?”

Libby sputtered out an exasperated breath. “Hell if I know.”

“My brother’s not being a creep, is he?”

“I wish.”

“Ah.” Colin nodded, beginning to understand.

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” Libby groaned again, letting her head drop into her hands. She felt Colin pat her hair.

“Nobody ever knows that. Don’t sweat it.”

She straightened up and gave him a miserable look. “I’ve been messing around with your brother.”

He didn’t look at all surprised. “Well done, him.”

“You don’t understand. It’s weird. It’s a favor.”

“How can messing around be a favor? And more importantly, how can messing around with
you
be considered a favor?”

“He’s the only person I’ve even kissed, like
really
kissed, in over a decade.”

Colin’s eyebrows flew up. “Crikey.”

“I told him he’s the only person I’ve ever met that I feel safe around, that way. Which is true. I sort of talked him into it. But I told him I don’t have feelings for him, romantic ones, and that it was purely scientific.”

“But you do.”

“Of course. It’s freaking me out now. I’m worried he might be the only person I’ll
ever
feel safe around like that, and if it doesn’t turn into anything…I dunno. It took forever for this to happen. What if this is my only chance, you know?” She paused, glancing up at Colin, knowing he felt something for her. It seemed stupid to deny it. “Sorry, this must be kind of weird for you.” She rolled the ball into the side pocket with a clack, feeling hopeless.

“Nothing’s weird to me.” Colin shifted the pillows and set them at the end of the table, like a bed. He lay down, knees bent, and invited Libby to do the same. They lay side by side for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling tiles, listening to the three ball finding its way to its brethren beneath them, the sounds of the bar and the rain against the windows.

Libby sighed. “Your sister must think I’m a total drama queen.”

“You know, it’s normal to feel
not
safe when you’re first messing about with someone,” Colin said, ignoring her comment. “It’s pretty scary sometimes, if you like them and you aren’t sure how they feel.”

She decided nervously to let this conversation go forward. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m not trying to talk you out of fancying my brother or anything. I know that’s a lost cause.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“But fear doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the wrong person,” he went on. “Sometimes it means they’re the right person. It’s normal to feel scared, if there’s anything there you might stand to lose. You have to listen to your gut, to know which fear you’re experiencing.”

“Maybe. I think my intuition’s probably pretty withered and shriveled up by now, though. If it ever worked to begin with.”

Colin seemed thoughtful for a moment. “So, wait… Forgive my being nosy, but you honestly hadn’t kissed a bloke since you were how old?”

“Sixteen.”

He turned his head toward her. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. I have had sex
exactly
once. And your brother was not the lucky fella.”

“Holy hell.” Colin let this revelation sink in. “How come?”

“This really shitty thing happened. To me. Because of me too. I wasn’t raped or anything. I was sort of going out with this boy who I really,
really
liked. I thought I loved him, like you do with you’re sixteen and everything is such a melodrama. Anyway, I had sex with him, even though I didn’t want to yet, because I thought he’d be my boyfriend or whatever. God, this sounds so stupid now.”

“No, it doesn’t. Go on.”

“So, long story short, he was never my boyfriend. I don’t think he even liked me all that much. Like, take how weird I can be now and times it by high school. Totally odd. Way too intense about
everything
. So, anyway. I ended up getting pregnant from this one stupid night of the worst, most ill-advised, crappy, first-time teenage sex ever.”

“Oh shit. Sorry, Libby.”

“Yeah. And I don’t know what Reece may have shared of his opinions about my father, or what they may be, but my dad’s a control freak. He’s a hugely powerful university head and he’s
obsessed
with appearances—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Colin interrupted. “Where are you from? Before Boston?”

Libby bit her lip. “Connecticut.”

“Prentiss? Prentiss University? That’s your family?”

She nodded shyly against the pillow.

“Holy shit… But you went to Harvard, didn’t you? Isn’t that like the biggest Ivy League rivalry in the history of the world?”

“I’ve done a lot of things in my life expressly to irritate my father. And I thought you googled me. I figured you knew that, already.”

“I only looked you up enough to figure out what you did to make your dad so paranoid.” He fell silent, absorbing this new information. “Did he pay for it? Your schooling?”

“No, my grandma did. His mother. She divorced my grandfather amid a gigantic scandal in the eighties. She got a huge chunk of change and dragged his philandering name through the mud. Quite publicly,” Libby added with satisfaction.

“Yikes.”

“I’m named after her,” Libby said proudly. “Anyway, she’s the one whose money I inherited. I’m cut off from my dad, which is fine with me, if only he’d leave me alone. He goes to great lengths to keep my embarrassing little activities quiet. You know, the things I used to get up to.”

“Why do you hate him so much?” Colin sounded uncomfortable. “Dads are always protective of their daughters.”

“He made me get an abortion. Like, forced me to. I might have gotten one anyway, but I wasn’t given a choice.” Libby felt a very old and familiar anger lodge in her throat.

Colin didn’t say anything for a moment. His hands twitched, as though he wanted to do something to comfort her but didn’t know how to begin. “Libby. That’s…that’s horrible.”

“Yeah. And then he threw me in an institution.”

“What, like a mental ward?”

“Yeah. The poshest, most discreet loony bin in New England. After I tried to kill myself.”

Colin flipped his body over, hugging his pillow under his chest. He stared at Libby, and it was like looking in a mirror. She let her thick silver bracelets slip down her arm to reveal the faint scar on her wrist. Colin’s eyes widened and he looked as if he might cry.

“Sorry,” she said. “This is so depressing.”

“No, keep going. I’m tough. I want to hear.”

“Well, I got tossed in there for two years, for the rest of high school, to keep me quiet. So I wouldn’t run off and blab our family’s dirty little secret to the press or whatever. The whole time I was there everybody thought I was studying abroad. By the time I got out my spirit was like completely broken, and I didn’t want to tell anyone, anyway. I’d studied really hard and got accepted to Harvard, and so I just ran off and started my life away from my family.”

“Is Harvard that far from Connecticut?”

“Not really. But it was far enough. And worth it, to piss my dad off.” She smiled. “And Cambridge is cool, once you get off campus. I loved it there. Living in shitty apartments after growing up with all that upper-class BS. Plus I couldn’t live in the dorms—it felt
way
too much like the nuthouse.”

“Well,” Colin said. “I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience.”

“It’s okay.”

He turned back over and sank his head into the pillow.

“Do you think I’m complete freak, now?” she asked the ceiling.

“I suspect
everybody’s
a complete freak.
Except
you. And maybe me. We’re the normal ones.”

“Do you ever
feel
like a freak?” she asked.

“I used to, yeah. I still do, sometimes. More now that Reece is back. If there’s a black sheep in our family, it’s definitely me.”

“I’d have thought it was Reece. Everybody else is so easygoing.”

“Yeah, but he’s the golden child. Perfect. Never messed anything up in his whole life. Not majorly.” He didn’t sound bitter exactly, but weary.

“Colin.”

“Yeah, Libby?”

“Where did you get your scar?”

“It’s a really horrible story.”

“You got to hear about
my
really horrible story,” she said. “And my scar.”

“Yeah. But this is pretty fucked up.”

Libby turned onto her side to show that she was prepared to listen.

“I guess it might make you feel better. If you’re into schadenfreude.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “I went halfway through a windscreen.”

“Oh, God.”

“Don’t feel bad, it was my own fault, really. Hit a tree.”

“Ouch.”

“To say the least.”

“But you’re okay,” she said, studying his face.

“Yeah…but my girlfriend was killed.”

Libby felt her limbs go numb and her throat close up.

Colin stared at the ceiling.

“Jesus…that’s awful.” She didn’t know what else to say. “But it was an accident. Right?”

“Yeah, it was raining hard out, sort of like tonight, but that’s no excuse.”

“Yeah, it sort of is,” she said. “Unless you were drunk or something. Were you drunk?”

He shrugged. “Not technically. But I’d had a couple beers. Enough to wonder for the rest of my life if it was completely my fault. I may as well have been drunk, for how much it’s eaten away at me ever since.”

“But you weren’t…were you charged with anything?”

“I was acquitted of manslaughter,” he said, voice flat. “It got chalked up to road conditions.”

“So it wasn’t your fault—”

“Libby, I killed someone. Save your sympathy, sweetheart.”

She fell silent for a few moments.

“Did you love her?” she finally asked.

Colin frowned, looking surprised by the question. “Eh…probably not. Not yet, I mean. We hadn’t been going out that long. She was a great girl, though. We’d been at a party that night. It was sort of for the best, as she was pretty drunk and she slept through everything. You know. Painless.” It didn’t sound painless, judging from his voice.

“God.”

“So yeah. And I tried to kill myself, too. You know how
that
goes.”

“Jesus, Colin.”

“Yeah. Tried to drown myself a couple weeks after I’d been acquitted. I just couldn’t handle it. Anything. That couldn’t have helped Reece’s fear of water,” he added glibly.