Healing Faith (30 page)

"I will take my mare back to the barn. Will you
escort the girls back to the house?" he asked.

"Emma has already returned," Nathan replied, clearing
his throat as he shuffled his feet.

"Ah, well. Then perhaps we can all go together,"
Jonah replied and went off to fetch his horse.

Nathan let out a nervous laugh and waved me off when
I looked at him questioningly.

"Jonah is taking care not to let me stray with you,"
he chuckled and motioned me inside.

"Are we doing something wrong?" I asked hurriedly,
afraid that perhaps our night walks and quiet moments would be
taken away.

"Do you enjoy your time with me?" he asked, a bit of
heat in his eyes as he looked down at me.

I could only nod; the desire in his eyes was
certainly anything but chaste.

"Then it is not wrong. But Jonah has a watchful eye
and would see us behave when he can," he murmured and squeezed my
hand as he held the door open for me to enter the house.

I made my way into the kitchen, putting all of the
food and plates back in the basket to take back. When I turned
around, he was watching me from the doorway, arms crossed casually
in front of him as he took me in. I was about to say something when
he took a step in and smiled.

"I do think about dancing with you," he whispered and
extended one hand out, asking.

I laid the basket down and took his hand carefully,
watching as his eyes dipped down to between our bodies. One hand in
his, the other resting lightly on his shoulder, Nathan started to
sway softly, watching his feet as he moved. I had no idea how to
dance like this, and neither did he, but our bodies moved together,
at a respectable distance. A small smile tugged up on the corner of
his mouth and he was moving his free hand to my lower back when we
heard Jonah's voice boom out from the front.

"Let us not dally! Fannie will have supper ready when
we return!"

Nathan pulled away in an instant.

I grabbed the basket and hurried out, Jonah waiting
patiently until Nathan followed along. We escorted Jonah and his
mare back to the house in silence, a timid smile on Nathan's lips
as he walked beside me. I thought about what he had said about our
time together, and had to wonder if maybe going to the party might
be a good thing. If we were to go, wouldn't that give us some time
alone there? Maybe that was the reason Amish youth went. To be out
of their parents watchful gaze to experience those things not
permitted. Like being alone together.

I hoped Jonah wasn't worried about Nathan and I too
much. Our evenings together were my favorite part of the day.
Surely it wasn’t wrong what we did. Nathan was the kindest and most
gentle man I had ever met. He respected me and never pushed himself
on me. That couldn’t be bad.

We separated at the house, Nathan and Jonah heading
off to the barn, I retreating into the house to help Fannie. When I
entered, Emma and Fannie were talking, and I could tell Emma was
frustrated by the almost whine in her voice. The more I interacted
with this family, the more I saw that they were much like an
average English family.

Even petulant Emma.

Amish teenagers and English teenagers were very
similar.

Especially when they didn’t get their way.

"I know you cannot stop me, Mother, but I wanted you
to know. I want to go. I will not stray. I will stay close with
John," she was saying.

Fannie shook her head and turned from her.

"It is your choice. But you know your father and I do
not approve. It is too soon. I do not like you going alone with
John. I am sorry, but I will worry," Fannie argued.

"I do not have anyone else. Not since Rachel died,"
Emma murmured, and had I not known her, I would have thought she
was playing a pity card.

Only I knew Emma had no friends. I knew she was alone
in her life.

Except me, and John.

And Nathan.

I sighed and stepped into the kitchen, their eyes
looking up to watch me as I moved towards the sink. Emma turned
away and busied herself with the plates while Fannie regarded me
thoughtfully for a moment.

"Has Emma not asked you to go, Katherine?" she
finally asked.

I swallowed and glanced at Emma, who pretended to
ignore me.

"Yes, she has," I answered and began washing the
dishes from earlier.

"And you do not wish to go?"

"I don't know if I should or not," I mumbled.

Fannie nodded and returned to her work, the matter
set aside when Hannah and Mark stepped in, Mark carrying the large
basket of clothes for her. She was flushed and grinning and as she
looked our way, her smile widened.

"I will set the clothes upstairs if you like, my
wife," Mark announced.

"I will go with you and help you sort," she giggled
and followed him upstairs.

"Supper will be ready soon!" Fannie called out and
shook her head at them.

We didn't mention the gathering again. I finished
with cleaning the afternoon dishes and helped lay out the supper on
the table just as Jonah and Nathan entered. Sitting at the table,
Nathan tried to continue his conversation quietly with Jonah while
we finished serving the meal. Hannah and Mark came downstairs,
filling the table just as Fannie brought out the last of the meal.
Jonah and the men spent most of the meal talking about schedules
for clearing the fields, Nathan growing a little uncomfortable when
Mark and Jonah both pledged to help him clear his.

Emma remained aloof for most of supper, only perking
up when there was a knock at the door at dessert. She leapt up and
Jonah called out a welcome to John as he stepped in and took off
his hat. The table full, Nathan had to slide in closer to me so
that we could fit in John to the table. His hand brushed accidently
across my knee.

He pulled it away quickly, murmuring his apologies
with mischievious eyes. I somehow thought that perhaps it wasn't so
accidental then. Once all the chores were done, we went on our way,
John and Emma joining us on the porch. John was stepping off the
porch when Nathan touched his shoulder, getting his attention.

"When is this gathering, John?" he asked quietly.

I could tell he was nervous, his lips were tight and
he was tense beside me.

John raised his eyebrows in surprise and glanced at
Emma.

"It is on Friday," he replied.

Nathan nodded and thought for a moment before letting
out a heavy breath.

"If Kate wishes to go, I will go. I know how much
this means to Emma. It would be best if we went together, so that
she has her friends with her," he mumbled and chanced a glance at
Emma.

She bounded up and hugged Nathan tight.

"Thank you!" she cried.

He pulled her away a bit and smiled dotingly.

"I know you would have wanted to go with my sister,
and she would have asked me until I gave in. So I cannot deny you
your friend on this journey," he replied.

She hugged him again before stepping away with John,
taking a long slow walk that I knew well. I smiled at the thought
of timing them when they disappeared behind the barn.

"What are you smiling at?" Nathan asked
playfully.

I laughed and patted the seat beside me as I sat down
in our swing.

"Nothing," I replied, and then more softly, "That was
very nice of you to do that for Emma."

He sat down heavily and took my hand in his, rubbing
his fingertips into my palm in a quick and nervous rhythm.

"She needs to see it is not our way. I would rather
her see it with us than with strangers. I trust John, I just do not
want them to go alone," he murmured and looked out after them as
they walked.

"Will you tell me why you reacted like you did last
night?”

He frowned and glanced my way before pulling me
closer, so that he could speak quietly near my ear. His hand
remained in mine, his fingers pausing as he spoke.

"If your world is like that, I am glad you have found
a life here," he started and leaned in until his nose nuzzled into
my hair. He took a slow breath, inhaling me before he
continued.

"It was not what I expected. So much unabashed
emotion, you lead young people like us into that situation and it
is overwhelming. And that one night; too much happened that night
to make me turn away from this life. So much hatred, so much pain,
so much lust. I do not understand it," he murmured.

"You were there that night, weren't you? The night
with Hannah?" I asked, pulling away to see his pained look. He
hesitated before nodding.

"I have never seen Mark upset, before that night. He
was not himself. A madness entered his body. He was almost too much
for us to manage. I do not blame him for his rage. We forgave long
ago. That rage is not something I ever want to experience, but I
would if it had been you," he whispered and gripped my hand a
little tighter.

"I'm sorry, Nathan," I whispered. "Does Emma know
about what you saw?"

He straightened up and scowled towards the barn.

"I will not ask. That was her sister I saw. I would
not discuss this if not to help you to understand that it is not
something I would like to ever see again," he said and looked
away.

I sat there and wondered how parents would allow
their children to experience something like what Nathan had
described. I was imagining pure unadulterated drinking and sex and
partying, like the college parties Sean had tried to get me to go
to. If it was similar I had to wonder why Emma would want to see
it.

Is that what she thought I had lived through before I
came? Did Nathan think less of me because he thought I was like
that?

"I think I want to go now to be able to tell you my
life was not like what you saw," I said quietly.

He tugged on his chin roughly and glanced at me
nervously.

"What if you decide to go back? What if you see that
you miss your life?" he asked.

I laughed, surprising him. I shook my head and pulled
in close to him.

"Nathan, there are only a few things I might miss
there. I doubt you will find them at a barn party," I whispered and
smiled up at him.

His brow creased and he reached out to take my hand
in both of his and rubbed my wrist nervously.

"What will you miss?"

His voice sounded fragile, sobering me up
suddenly.

He was afraid I would leave.

"I'm not leaving, Nathan. I have nothing to return
to. Really. Electricity is nice, but I don't need it to be happy.
This place makes me happy. You make me happy," I whispered.

A small smile crept up on his face and his forehead
leaned in to touch my temple lightly.

"You make me happy as well, Kate," he whispered and
breathed me in once more.

We sat together quietly for some time, his fingers
tracing lightly along my wrist and tentatively along my arm,
causing goose bumps where he touched. He seemed to be making
progress with feeling comfortable around me. I wondered if Jonah
had really spoken with him today about me.

"What did Jonah say today?" I asked softly, feeling
Nathan tense slightly beside me before relaxing again and
chuckling.

"He thought I needed a lesson in horse breeding," he
said, shaking his head.

I looked up into his eyes, seeing the bit of
embarrassed discomfort there.

"I would think you would understand that, working on
the farm as you do," I said, fighting the smile as he blushed.

"It does not mean I enjoy speaking about it with
Jonah," he explained and frowned suddenly.

"What?" I asked.

"Did your father or mother talk to you about such
things?" he asked, suddenly shy.

"Um, we don't own horses where I live," I replied and
bit at my lips when he blushed again.

"Of course," he said hurriedly, looking out to the
garden.

I sighed and leaned into him, drawing his eyes back
to me.

"Dad tried to give me the sex talk when I started
dating Sean. He bungled it up, though. They teach us that in school
in eighth grade. It was more embarrassing for him than for me," I
explained.

"Your father assumed you would be intimate with him?"
he asked.

I swallowed and closed my eyes for a moment, trying
to will away all the emotions associated with the idea of intimacy
with Sean.

"I am sure my dad assumed a lot of things," I
whispered and looked back out into the night.

Nathan nodded and remained silent. Speaking about
Sean made me worry once more about what I had to do and having to
face him again.

"Do you think Sean will be at the gathering? I know
he hasn't given up yet," I whispered.

I felt Nathan's hand pause on my wrist.

"If he is, we will deal with it," he replied
softly.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt," I said
worriedly.

"No one will raise a fist to him, but he will be
dealt with," Nathan said, his eyes intense.

I didn't want ask him to explain, his feelings were
clear in his determined eyes. It was a little alarming, seeing such
an intense emotion raging in his eyes. It only lasted an instant
and then he was relaxed again and stroking my wrist once more.

"I will not let anyone hurt you, Kate," he murmured
and held me closer.

I closed my eyes to the security I felt with Nathan,
here in this peaceful community. Fannie was right, I needed to
confront my past and start my new life. I liked seeing Nathan
happy, and if that meant going back to tell my father and Sean I
was leaving for good, then I would. My sister was another story.
She would understand I was sure, but she’d be upset to lose me
forever. Stacy was the one person I would miss more than anything
when I gave up my old life.

He pulled me out of my contemplative thoughts when
his fingertips drifted up my arm slowly. Glancing up at him, his
eyes were transfixed where his fingers traced. I held my breath
when he gently pulled my arm closer, edging his hand further up my
arm into the crook of my elbow. It was easy to touch me there, the
short sleeves offering my entire arm for his exploration.