Healing Your Emotional Self (2 page)
Read Healing Your Emotional Self Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
Those who were emotionally abused or neglected also tend to suffer from eating disorders. Many overeat as a way of soothing themselves, while others overeat out of self-loathing. On the other end of the spectrum, many become anorexic as a way of gaining a sense of control because they feel overly controlled by their parents.
People recovering from alcohol or drug abuse will also find this book helpful because many addicts suffer from severe distortions to their sense of self.
In
Healing Your Emotional Self
I offer my unique Mirror Therapy program for healing, which has proven to be highly effective with my clients and the clients of some of my colleagues. This program is highly innovative, combining what I have learned from many years of specializing with adults who were emotionally abused or neglected as children with concepts from developmental psychology, object rela- tions, self psychology, body therapies, cognitive behavioral therapy, and art therapy. Many of the ideas in the book are uniquely my own, while others are variations on the concepts created by other people, and together they form a unique program designed specifically for the emotionally abused or neglected.
For example, according Laurel Mellin M.A., R.D., author of
The Pathway
and creator of the Solutions Program, research on child- hood obesity from San Francisco University shows that for the children studied, most of their extra weight was rooted in the most basic internal patterns of their functioning—the inner conversations they had with themselves. Teaching the kids some very basic skills— self-nurturing (which is like having a responsive internal mother) and setting effective limits (which is like having a safe, powerful father within)—brought their minds and bodies into balance and allowed their drive to overeat to fade. These skills can be taught to people of any age and are effective for other common excesses such as drinking, smoking, overspending, and working. The skills find their way into the
thinking brain—our emotional core. I have adapted some of these skills to help adults who were emotionally abused or deprived to essentially “grow themselves up” and give themselves the skills their parents did not give them.
This book will not simply cover old ground. While I will spend some time defining emotional abuse and describing its effects, I focus primarily on healing, especially in regard to helping readers to raise their self-esteem and improve their self-image. (Refer to my earlier books
The Emotionally Abused Woman
,
Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman
, and
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
for more information on emotional abuse and its effects.)
I have organized this book around several themes, including “The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive or Neglectful Parents” and “The Seven Most Common Parental Mirrors.” I provide specific advice and strategies for healing for each of the destructive parental mirrors and specific strategies for dealing with each of the seven types of emotion- ally abusive parents—all using my Mirror Therapy concepts and strategies.
There are other unique aspects to
Healing Your Emotional Self
. Most of my books on emotional abuse have been focused on the issue of
relationships
—how adults who were abused or neglected as chil- dren can avoid losing themselves in their relationships, how they can avoid being reabused, and how they can avoid passing on the abuse to a partner or to their children.
Healing Your Emotional Self
focuses on the
self
—how readers can become reunited with the self, how they can create a positive self separate from their abusive parents’ dis- torted picture of them, and how they can raise their self-esteem. In addition, the book focuses on helping readers to overcome their tendency toward self-blame, self-hatred, and self-destructiveness.
I also cover a subject that has not been focused on in self-help books: the effects on adults who experienced parental neglect in childhood. Many who were neglected will continually search for someone who will give to them what they missed out on in their child- hood. This naturally sets them up to be used, victimized, or abused by their partners. Others suffer from a constant feeling of worthlessness,
emptiness, deep loneliness, and confusion, and they are unable to sustain intimate relationships.
I will also discuss another issue that is seldom if ever covered in most self-help books—the effects of parental smothering on a child— which can be just as damaging as neglect.
Many people are preoccupied with their looks and even more are critical of them. While some depend on diets, exercise regimes, and cosmetic surgery to help them like what they see in the mirror, others recognize that they will never be happy with what they see unless they raise their self-esteem. This book takes raising your self-esteem to an entirely different level. It teaches a system that can actually help heal the damage caused by negative parental messages.
How Your Parents Shaped Your Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Body Image
Our Parents as Mirrors
Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.
—A
NN
W
ILSON
S
CHAEF
I avoid looking in the mirror as much as I possibly can. When I do look, all I see are my imperfections—my long nose, my crooked teeth, my small breasts. Other people tell me I’m attractive, but I just don’t see it.
—Kristin, age twenty-six
I’m what you would call a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my work. It takes me twice as long as it does other people to get something done, because I have to go over it a dozen times to make sure I haven’t made any mistakes. My boss complains about my being so slow, but I’d rather have him com- plain about that than have him find a mistake. That would dev- astate me.
—Elliot, age thirty-one
There’s a voice inside my head that constantly chastises me with “Why did you do that?” “Why did you say that?” The criticism is relentless. Nothing I ever do is right. I’m never good enough. Sometimes I just feel like screaming—Shut up! Leave me alone!
—Teresa, age forty-three
9
I don’t know what it will take for me to finally feel good about myself. I keep thinking I need to do more, achieve more, be a better person, and then I’ll like myself. Other people are impressed with how much I’ve achieved in my life, but it doesn’t seem to matter how much I do; I’m never good enough for me.
—Charles, age fifty-five
D
O YOU RELATE TO ANY
of these people? Do you have a difficult time looking in the mirror because you never like what you see? Do you find that you are never pleased with yourself, no matter how much effort you put into making yourself a better person, no matter how much work you do on your body? Do you constantly find fault in your- self? Are you a perfectionist? Are you plagued by an inner critic who constantly berates you or finds something wrong with everything you do? Or are you like Charles, who believes that the way to feeling good about yourself is through your accomplishments—yet no matter how much you accomplish it is never enough?
Many of us focus a great deal of time and attention on improving our bodies and making ourselves more attractive. Yet, for all the time and money spent on dieting, exercise, clothes, and cosmetic surgery, many still do not like who they see in the mirror. There is always something that needs to be changed or improved.
People who are critical of how they look are usually critical of other aspects of themselves as well. They tend to focus on their flaws rather than their assets, and they are seldom pleased with their performance—whether at work, at school, or in a relationship. They chastise themselves mercilessly when they make a mistake.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself; every- one suffers from time to time with self-critical thoughts. But some people have such low self-esteem that they are never satisfied with their achievements, their physical appearance, or their performance. They have a relentless inner critic who constantly tears them down and robs them of any satisfaction they might temporarily feel when they have reached a goal. The following questionnaire will help you determine whether you are suffering from low self-esteem and an unhealthy inner critic.
Questionnaire: A “Self” Examination
Do you suffer from insecurity or a lack of confidence?
Do you focus more on what you do wrong or what you fail at than what you do right or well?
Do you feel less than or not as good as other people because you are not perfect in what you do or how you look?
Do you believe you need to do more, be more, or give more in order to earn the respect and love of other people?
Are you aware of having a critical inner voice that fre- quently tells you that you did something wrong?
Are you constantly critical of your performance—at work, at school, at sports?
Are you critical of the way you interact with others? For example, do you frequently kick yourself for saying the wrong thing or for behaving in certain ways around others?
Do you feel like a failure—in life, in your career, in your relationships?
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you feel like you do not deserve good things? Do you become anxious when you are successful or happy?
Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you? Are you afraid people will find out you are a fraud?
Are you frequently overwhelmed with shame and embar- rassment because you feel exposed, made fun of, or ridiculed?
Do you constantly compare yourself to others and come up short?
Do you avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, or do you tend to look in the mirror a lot to make sure you look okay?
Are you self-conscious or embarrassed about the way you look?
Do you have an eating disorder—compulsive overeating, bingeing and purging, frequent dieting or starvation, or anorexia?
Do you need to drink alcohol or take other substances in order to feel comfortable or less self-conscious in social situations?
Do you fail to take very good care of yourself through poor diet, not enough sleep, or too little or too much exercise?
Do you tend to be self-destructive by smoking, abusing alcohol or drugs, or speeding?
Have you ever deliberately hurt yourself, that is, cut yourself?
If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you need the special help this book provides in order to raise your self-esteem, quiet your inner critic, heal your shame, and begin to find real joy and satisfaction in your achievements and accomplishments.
Even if you only answered yes to one of these questions, this book can help you because it isn’t natural or healthy to experience any of those feelings. You were born with an inherent sense of goodness, strength, and wisdom that you should be able to call upon in moments of self-doubt. Unfortunately, you may have lost touch with this inner sense because of the way you were raised and by the messages you received to the contrary.
Self-Esteem Defined
Let’s start by defining self-esteem and differentiating it from
self- image
and
self-concept
.
Self-esteem
is how you feel about yourself as a
person—your overall judgment of yourself. Your self-esteem may be high or low, depending on how much you like or approve of yourself. If you have high self-esteem, you have an appreciation of the full extent of your personality. This means that you accept yourself for who you are, with both your good qualities and your so-called bad ones. It can be assumed that you have self-respect, self-love, and feelings of self-worth. You don’t need to impress others because you already know you have value. If you are unsure whether you have high self- esteem, ask yourself: “Do I believe that I am lovable?” “Do I believe I am worthwhile?”
Our feelings of self-worth form the core of our personality. Nothing is as important to our psychological well-being. The level of our self-esteem affects virtually every aspect of our lives. It affects how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us, and how they subsequently treat us. It affects our choices in life, from our careers to whom we befriend or get involved with romantically. It influences how we get along with others and how productive we are, as well as how much use we make of our aptitudes and abilities. It affects our ability to take action when things need to be changed and our ability to be creative. It affects our stability, and it even affects whether we tend to be followers or leaders. It only stands to reason that the level of our self-esteem, the way we feel about ourselves in general, would also affect our ability to form intimate relationships.
Many people use the words
self-esteem
and
self-concept
inter-
changeably, but these terms actually have different meanings. Our self-concept, or self-image, is the set of beliefs or images we have about ourselves. Our self-esteem is the measure of how much we like and approve of our self-concept. Another way of thinking about it is that self-esteem is how much respect you have for yourself, while self-image is how you see yourself. Still another way of differentiating between self-esteem and self-image is to think of self-esteem as some- thing you give to yourself (that’s why it is called self-esteem) and self- image is usually based on how you imagine others perceive you.
Our self-image is made up of a wide variety of images and beliefs. Some of these are self-evident and easily verifiable (for example, “I am a woman,” “I am a therapist”). But there are also other, less tangible aspects of the self (for example, “I am intelligent,” “I am competent”).