Heart (19 page)

“So, you’re okay, then? You know, since Jake and everything.” I should have known my nosey-but-lovely big brother wouldn’t be able to leave the topic alone.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You and Cass?” I hoped he would feel uncomfortable talking about his relationship with his little sister. I was wrong.

“It’s fucking amazing, Neve. Seriously. I never thought it could be this good. I love her. She loves me. I don’t care about anything else. There
isn’t
anything else.”

“Oh, my frickin’ God! Where has my brother gone? Someone has kidnapped him and put a soppy, romantic imposter in his place!”

“Take the piss as much as you want. I don’t care. I’ve never been happier. I’ve got everything I want.” There was a short pause before he continued, his voice slightly deeper. “That’s why we’re worried about you.
I’m
worried about you. It looked like you and Jake had got the same thing going on.”

“Tell that to him. You’re preaching to the choir here.”

“He’s not happy, you know. He knows he fucked up.”

“Well, he should have thought about it before he opened his mouth, shouldn’t he? Maybe he
does
know this has all been the biggest mistake he’s ever made, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong. He hurt me, Flynn. He
broke
me.”

We had pulled onto the drive and were just sat in the car, both of us looking through the windscreen, unable to look at each other and maintain the seriousness of the conversation.

“I know that and, trust me, I’ve made sure he knows it, as well. But he’s broken himself in the process, too. He’s a mess.” I was unsure whether it was what I wanted to hear. My love for him was still significant enough to eclipse the anger, and I hated the idea of him hurting, alone.

“Do you think I should give him another chance?”

“I’m not sure you’ll get to. He still believes it was the right thing for you, even if it’s killing him inside.”

“How do you know all of this? I thought guys didn’t talk about touchy-feely stuff?” So, that may have been a bit stereotypical, but did they really spend as long talking about girls as we did about them?

“He’s my best mate, Neve. I don’t need him to tell me every single detail. I can see it. We’ve had a bit of a chat about it, but it’s more just seeing what he’s like at the moment. You’re my kid sister and I hate that he’s hurt you, and I can’t believe I’m even thinking of letting him be within a hundred metres of you again, but he needs you. And I think you need him.” Fuck. I knew that Jake must be in a state for Flynn to be this open, this serious.

“Did you call me your
kid
sister? I’m a fully-grown woman, I’ll have you know.” I opened the door and got out, knowing there wasn’t much more which could be said. It was up to me or Jake now.

“Come off it, you’re never going to be fully grown! Have you looked in a mirror? Stood against a height chart?” He laughed and took my bags from the boot as I punched him. It was good to be home.

After an Indian takeaway for dinner, we all sat in the lounge, watching
QI
. Flynn and I were taking the piss out of Dad, who had decided to start growing a beard, only to find it was mostly grey. As the jokes got ruder, I sat back, content. I needed the normality of this banter, this family.

I needed love.

There’s an uneasy truce going on in our house at the moment. Dickhead and I avoid each other, so I haven’t had to speak to him since the apology. I took Mum shopping and then helped with the cleaning so things feel a bit more normal. It’s a long way from domestic bliss, but at least Grace and Josh have food in the fridge and clean beds to sleep in.

Sitting in my room, convinced I can sit out living here until my apprenticeship ends and Grace goes to uni, I can’t stop myself wondering if ending things with Neve was worth it. What did I gain? A shitload of hurt and that’s about it.

I’m not even convinced now that it was the right thing for her, either. Based on Flynn’s non-committal responses when I ask him about her, it seems like she’s still finding it tough. Would it have been easier for her if I had done it before she moved to Brighton? Who knows? She probably wouldn’t have left then, and I couldn’t be the person to put a stop on her future.

Maybe I was naïve, or just stupid, but I thought that, with a new life and new friends who are nothing to do with me, it would be easier for her. She wouldn’t have to think about me.

It’s the thinking that’s the killer. The hours just thinking, either about the past or what the non-existent future would be like. And it’s not like I even need to look at pictures to remind me. I see her as soon as I close my eyes. Hell, even when my eyes are open, I can see her: smiling, beautiful, mine. I can hear her laughter and smell her perfume. I can taste her kiss on my tongue and feel the smoothness of her skin around me. Time
doesn’t
heal, and it doesn’t make the memories any easier to live with, either.

But did I expect it to? I went into this with my eyes open. I knew it could destroy me. But it wasn’t about me, was it? I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to lie in it.

Without her.

The next morning, I went into town with Mum and had a reassuringly normal few hours of clothes and coffee. By the time Cass arrived, after helping out in the family shop for a few hours, I was feeling a bit more like my old self. Like somehow the clock had been rewound a few months and I was back in Sixth Form. Before uni. Before Jake. Life had changed so much, for all of us, in that time: things were so much simpler back then.

“Right then. Where do we start? Are you still deciding whether to get back with Jake or is it just about working out how to? Let’s not faff around. What’s it to be?” Even though Cass surprised me with her assertiveness, I knew it was what I needed. I’d spent enough time thinking through everything that had happened, mentally role-playing every possible outcome. We didn’t need to go over it again.

“I want him back.” I couldn’t even say it without smiling. As much as I’d try to stay angry, I was like a moth, drawn to the beauty of the light source which could also destroy it.

“So, let’s do it then!” Based on Cass’s squeal and hand-clapping, I was going to need to be the person who kept a grip on reality.

“That’s the difficult part – how the hell do I get him to change his mind?”

“Well, I did some research,” she said, pulling several pieces of paper from her bag and handing them to me.

“You’re kidding me? You went online to find the answer? You’re such a bloody geek!” I scanned pages taken from a number of websites, some clearly more dubious than others if the advice was any indication. ‘
Send him some saucy photos to remind him of what he’s missing’
?
‘Make him jealous by flirting with one of his friends’
?

“I think we can make a plan from these. They all have a lot of the same points. Let’s make a list.”

As barmy as the method was, I hadn’t got any better suggestions and so we put together a six-point action plan:

1. Be the person Jake fell in love with.

2. Plan what I will say when I speak to him.

3. Listen carefully to what he says.

4. Ask him to do something as friends.

5. Remind him of some of our happy times.

6. Leave the casual date with nothing more than a light kiss.

Which really meant:

1. Try not to be the mouthy banshee I was the last time he spoke to me. On
that
day. Be nice.

2. “Hi. Do you fancy going for a drink?”

3. Listen to his answer to number two.

4. See number two.

5. See number one.

6. Try really hard not to focus on what a great kisser he is. No begging. At all.

I wondered if any of the people who had followed the advice of these websites were now happily married, with 2.4 children. And a dog. And a mortgage.
Focus, Neve
.

“So, when should I do it?”

“Unless you want to wait until next time you’re up, you’ll have to see him tomorrow. Which means ringing him today.”
Shit
. That felt soon. Very soon.

“I guess it does. Umm, do you want to watch a film? TV?” However, Little Miss Assertive was not going to let me procrastinate.

“No. I want you to ring him.”

“Now? What do I say?”

“Yes, now. And you’ve already worked it out – it’s point two in the plan!”

“But what if he’s at work? Or not alone? Or not able to get to the phone and then I think he’s ignoring me when really he isn’t and I don’t ring him again and spend the rest of my life alone and get eaten by my Alsatian and people only find my bones years later?”

“Oh, bloody hell, Neve. Where’s your phone?” She picked it up from the bed and, after a few taps, placed it on the desk. “There you go. Your fate is in his hands now. Let’s just hope he’s a bit more decisive than you are!”

I hoped he was, too.

Myrtle:
Can I call you?

You know how people say your heart skips a beat? Well, my heart skips a whole fucking song.

Four words and I’m breathless.

Four words and I’m ready to scream ‘Yes!’ until my lungs explode.

Four words I’ve been dying to hear without knowing it. Every nerve ending is a power surge, jolting me back into the world.

I am alive.

Four words and she brings me back to life.

But then reality kicks in. This isn’t about my life. It’s about hers. If I let her back in, all of this pain, all of
her
pain, will have been for nothing.

“You okay, Jake?” Grace’s voice stills the thoughts competing for attention, turning my head into a whirlpool of conflicting emotions. Maybe a girl’s perspective is what I need.

“Neve just texted me, asking if we could talk.”

“So why aren’t you already on the phone, talking to her, begging her to take you back? I take it you’re going to forgive her? I can’t stand the way you’ve been moping around for the last few weeks.” She pauses. “Unless she cheated on you, of course. Then ring her, tell her to bugger off and get on with your life!” There’s no way around this; if I’m going to get Grace’s advice, I need to man up and tell her the full story.

“It wasn’t Neve who dumped me,” I begin, before telling her pretty much every gory detail. To her credit, she doesn’t talk, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t judge. When I’m finished, she walks over and hugs me. I could cry but I’ve done enough crying lately to last me a lifetime.

“Oh, you are a silly boy,” she says, her smile over-riding the patronising words. “Don’t you know you can’t make decisions like that for other people? You can’t stop someone loving you, like you can’t stop falling in love, even if it’s with someone you think is the wrong person. Sure, we think we have free will, but we don’t really.

“It’s like breathing, see? Most of the time, we don’t even register that we’re doing it. Our body carries on, regardless of everything else, just breathing. Keeping us alive. Love is the same. Like those moments when you lie awake at night, only aware of the sound and rhythm of your breath. You don’t know you’re in love, are focused on just loving, until everything else stops. And then it hits you.
This
is what is keeping you alive. Love.”