Heart and Home (18 page)

I watched the houses run
together as he crawled closer to my street and the end of our date, and even if
it wasn’t good for me emotionally I didn’t want our date or our time together
to end. But what could I say? After everything he’d laid out logically on the
table for me, I really didn’t think he’d let me push my luck too far. Maybe
that was best. Instead of saying anything at all, I listened to the quiet hum
of the radio under the blowing heater and tried to identify the song. He was
just turning onto my street when I finally realized it was Santana’s “Black
Magic Woman.”

“I hope I didn’t keep you
out too late,” I said just as he was pulling up to the curb.

“No,” he insisted eagerly,
putting the truck in park. “No, not at all. I was a little surprised when you
were ready to call it a night.”

“You kept hiding your yawns.
I figured it was time to put you to bed.”

I thought I detected the
hint of a rare grin in the streetlight. “I don’t sleep enough, really,” he
admitted. “So that was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done on my
behalf.”

“Well, I’d invite you in and
offer to tuck you in personally, but uh…” I glanced over my shoulder at the
house behind me. “Being a guest in my parents’ home puts a damper on that sort
of thing.”

“I imagine it would.” He
tilted his head to look at me, the playful shine in his eyes complimented by
the full revelation of his hinted grin. “I actually have my own apartment above
the garage,” he said. “Keeps me from having to explain myself when I come home
at four a.m., not that I do that often.”

“If I didn’t know any better,
I’d think you were trying to tempt me into begging you to take me home with
you.”

“No ma’am,” he tried to
soften that grin into a more sober expression. He reached across the space
between us and ran his thumb down the curve of my cheek. “As much as I would
love to take you home with me tonight, I made a solemn promise to do everything
in my power to make sure I didn’t hurt you.”

I swallowed and reached for
the first witty comment that came to mind, “And how do you know I’m not into
that whole pain thing?”

He sucked his breath in
through his teeth and tilted his head back against the window behind him. “I
can already tell I’m gonna have my hands full with you. I’m gonna need all the
sleep I can get just to stay on my toes.”

I stopped myself from going
too far and instead said “Well, it’s gonna be a little hard for me to tuck you
in from here, but I hope you’ll at least think about me as you’re crawling into
bed all alone.”

He took my hand and drew me
sideways in the seat so we were closer than before. “I probably shouldn’t be
telling you this, but I’ve thought about you every night that I’ve crawled into
bed alone this last week.”

“Well then,” I released a
breath. “I’d say we’re even, and practically already sleeping together.”

He chuckled, and then leaned
forward to brush a lock of hair behind my ear. His smiling eyes searched my
face as though he was memorizing every detail, and then he returned his gaze to
mine. Our goodnight kiss started there, and for all it was worth to try and get
Troy home and into bed at a decent hour, it didn’t end for nearly forty
minutes. When I finally slipped out of the truck with a wink and a promise to
see him in my dreams, it was going on Midnight.

I crept quietly into the
house and listened as his truck pulled away. Dad left the light in the living
room on, and I stood there in the center of the room trying to feel its energy.
I had sleepovers in that living room, birthday parties and holidays with my
family. For the first eighteen years of my life it was my haven, just like the
upstairs bathroom was my sanctuary and my bedroom a fortress against parental
invasion.

But now… I turned again
toward the unfamiliar book case that arrived sometime after I’d gone off to
college, and new furniture that replaced the cozy, petite floral patterned set
that always reminded me of a Victorian tea party. She’d painted over the pale
mauve with a brilliant yellow that lit up the room. I could still see
everything the way it was before, but even if they put it all back that house
was no longer my home.

I tried to think about
Sonesville in the same way. Yes, it was a different town now, maybe it even
grew a little bigger, but it wasn’t mine any longer. On the other hand, I
realized as I slipped into my bedroom to get dressed for bed, I’d never exactly
allowed Sonesville to be my town. Did that mean maybe I was finally growing
into it?

I wanted to literally throw
up my arms and surrender to whatever was going on. Troy said the universe
worked in mysterious ways, and with the strange ghostly presence in the home
coupled with my new friendship with Becky clouding my judgment I already had it
up to my neck with mystery.

I just wanted an answer, and
while I couldn’t exactly see it outright, I had a feeling that was exactly what
my mother was trying to give me.

In the dark I curled close
to my pillow and smiled when I thought about how numb my lips felt when we’d
finally said goodnight. That’s when you know you’re on to a good thing, I
decided. When you can’t stop kissing each other and your lips are numb and
tingling when you finally do break away; that’s when you’re on to a very good
thing.

Chapter Seventeen

Typical Northeastern
Pennsylvania fall, Friday started out rainy and dark, and while I finished
packing away the last of my mom’s clothing for the church clothing drive, I
feared the rain wouldn’t let up in time for the hayride. I equated the hayride
with seeing Troy, and was afraid I wouldn’t get to see him at all, but he
surprised me again by showing up around lunchtime, this time with homemade
lasagna from his mom.

“What, is she trying to do?
Fatten me up?” I sat down across from him at the table and tucked my leg up
under me for some height.

He buttered a piece of
bread. “Honestly, I have no idea what she’s up to. If I told you even half of
the stuff she’s been going on about these last couple days, you’d be halfway
back to Pittsburgh with no thoughts of turning back.”

“Hmm,” I shook my head.
“Maybe she’s in cahoots with Becky.” The nervousness I’d felt around him
yesterday while we had lunch seemed less somehow. “Becky’s been asking if she
can be a bridesmaid at our wedding.”

“Maybe they are in cahoots,”
he lifted his brow into a succession of wrinkles.

“Well,” I traced my fork
through a pattern of noodles and sauce. “At least they’re positive, I guess.”

I was relieved when his face
lit up with laughter. “There is that to consider.”

Just as I was about to take
another bite there was a loud thump upstairs. Both of our necks craned toward
the ceiling, and my already jumbled insides felt cold.

“What now?” I untangled my
legs and pushed away from the table.

“Do you guys have a cat?”

“No, Dad’s allergic,” I
started toward the stairs. “I’ll be right back.”

Before I could dissuade him,
he stood as well and was right behind me on the staircase. “I’ll come with
you.”

“It’s probably nothing,”
nothing but the ghost of my mother rattling her chains in the sewing room
again, I thought.

“Well, just in case then.”

My first stop was the sewing
room, but even after cautiously pushing the door open to peer in, it only took
a quick sweep of the eye to see that everything there was in order. The sewing
machine remained unplugged; I could see the cord sticking out from under the
legs. All of her totes were stacked just as I’d left them. I moved next to Dad’s
bedroom, thinking maybe I’d left a box unsteady on the dresser or something,
but I took everything out with me on my last trip. There wasn’t a single item
out of place.

Troy stood back as I checked
the closet and peeked into the bathroom. The last room to check was my own. I
reached for the doorknob, hand shaking as I gripped the cold metal and turned
to the right. The door swung open and I stepped back with a gasp. My suitcase
fell off of the hope chest, but how that managed to make such a sound I’d never
understand because it was empty.

And that was even stranger
because it shouldn’t have been empty since I washed most of my dirty clothes
the day before and packed them into my suitcase so I’d be ready to leave. The
clothes were gone, and as I searched the room the top dresser drawer stuck out
on the left side just enough to catch my eye.

“What was it?” Troy leaned
in and rested a careful hand rested on my shoulder.

Dry throat and shaken, I
walked toward the dresser and gave a pull to tug it open. Neatly folded in the
top drawer were all my socks and underthings. I pulled the second drawer open
to find my shirts, and the third contained my pants. I pulled closet doors open
to find the source of the commotion. The speakers stacked in there from my old
stereo were knocked over, and swinging on hangers were the three dresses I
brought with me.

“Janice? What’s wrong?”

I drew in a troubled breath
and held it for a moment. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I mumbled,
easing the fold out doors closed again. “It looks like the stuff in the closet
was knocked over.” I avoided his eyes as I turned around shaking my head.

“Hey,” he grabbed onto my
wrist and drew me close, lifting my face to his with the other hand. “You look
really shaken, are you sure you’re all right?”

I was sure he’d pick up on
my reluctance when my eyes darted quickly away from his, and then back again.
“It’s fine, just a mess in the closet, no big deal.”

I watched the features of
his face distort with concern, his eyes narrow and his brow creasing again. The
left corner of his mouth pulled inward as though he were really thinking about
my answer, and wasn’t sure he believed it. “Okay.”

“Maybe I was just looking
for a way to get you into my bedroom,” I started to draw away, but his hand on
my mid-back still held me close.

“And now that we’re here?”

I leaned up on my tip-toes
and brushed my lips against his. Before I was able to pull away, he stole
inward with an intense passion that ignited longing deep inside of me. I draped
my arms around his neck and sunk into the comfortable way our bodies fit
together even while standing.

Inspired by the moment, my
thoughts roved over all the other ways I was sure we would fit perfectly
together, like two halves of the same whole that had been searching an eternity
for their counterparts. God, I was losing my mind, but I didn’t even want to
care anymore. I just wanted him, all of him, body, mind and soul, but more than
anything else I wanted his heart to beat against mine in a shared rhythm no one
else in the world played a part in.

He already seemed to know me
in ways no one else ever considered. He knew exactly how to respond to every
kiss, just where and how to touch me, applying the perfect amount of pressure
to make me come alive in his arms. I could hardly begin to imagine how perfect
making love with him would be.

“Troy,” I whispered as his
lips moved along the curve of my throat.

His kiss roamed upward until
it met with mine again in an inquisitive, “Hmm?”

I took his hand and stepped
backward toward the bed behind me. I hadn’t made it, of course, and my
nightgown lay strewn across the pillows, which made me look like a complete and
total slob. “You know what we were talking about last night?”

He was slightly dazed as he
looked down at me and shook his head no. “We talked about a lot of things last
night.”

“I mean about getting hurt.”
I caressed his fingers with mine, circling my thumbs in patters over the inside
of his palms.

“I remember,” his gaze met
mine with such intense sincerity that I thought he would back away right then
and there.

I drew in a deep breath, my
stare unwavering as I admitted, “I’m not afraid.”

He lowered himself onto his
knees in front of the bed so we were at eye level and cupped my face in his
hands. I noticed they were trembling, and my heart ached inside with such deep
emotion I thought I might cry. Troy looked over every inch of my face before he
moved in and brushed his mouth to mine.

Eyes closed, he leaned his
forehead against mine and said, “I am scared, Janice.” He swallowed. His hand,
still shaking, slipped downward to rest on my shoulder. “I’m terrified that if
I don’t seize every moment and make like it’s our last, I’m gonna wake up and
find out this whole last week has been a dream.”

I lifted my hand against his
cheek, drawing in unsteady breath and closing my eyes against the stinging
threat. “If anybody’s been dreaming this last week, it’s been me.”

His tongue traced slowly
over his bottom lip, “Well, here’s to hoping neither of us wakes up then.”

He moved inward slowly, this
time drawing out our kiss in molten ceremony. For the first time he gave his
hands the freedom to wander over places he’d been careful to avoid in the past.
He lifted my t-shirt away slowly, holding it in his hand almost dazed as he looked
down at me. I’d always been self-conscious of the smattering of freckles across
my chest and shoulders, but he traced his finger deliberately across them, and
looked up at me with a sheepish grin.

Each act unhurried, I worked
at the buttons he had done half-way up the flannel he’d donned overtop of a
thermal work-shirt. When he reached down to lift off his shirt, an appreciative
grin spread across my face as the taut muscles of his stomach and chest flexed
with the movement. I laid my hands against his warm, bare skin. The remnants of
a summer tan, thanks to all those endless hours in the field, had only just
begun to fade, but it was still golden and beautiful in comparison to the milky
tone of my own skin.

I slid off of the bed and
into his lap. Arms around his neck, the kiss that consumed us wasn’t enough to
distract me from the evident fire now burning under my skin. He pushed himself
off the floor and pressed tight against me, my back against the mattress behind
me. With the calloused-tips of his fingers he left delicate traces of desire
tingling across my flesh so that goose bumps rose in answer to his touch.

I had to be out of my mind,
a guilty voice scolded. I hardly even knew him longer than a week, but desire
lapped like flame in protest…asking if I hadn’t known Troy nearly all my life?
The boy who chased the girls at church picnics. The high school quarterback
who’d been nursing a crush on me for eight years. The knight in shining armor
who’d been there every time I’d needed someone to catch me when the grief
became too much to bear.

Hungry mouths devoured every
kiss while curious fingers crawled closer to the final bits of fabric
separating us from the ringing of our souls… ringing? I leaned backward to
listen, but Troy didn’t seem to have heard for he followed the movement in a
line of hungry kisses along my neck.

“Troy, wait.” Alerted by my
command, he sat back, head tilted in question and a flicker of embarrassed fear
in his eyes. “I hear something…there it is.”

A deflated look contorted
his features as he pushed back and reached into the front pock of his
unbuttoned jeans and pulled out his phone with a heavy sigh. “I have to take
it.”

“Go ahead.” I nodded. I slid
up the mattress to resume my seat on the edge of the bed and watched him stand,
flipping the phone open and lifting it to his ear.

“Yeah?” Even the way he
stood there, one hand rested over the soft patch of gold hair trailing down his
stomach, was breathtaking, and though I had a heavy feeling there would be no
follow through on what had gotten started, a furnace was lit inside me that
would take more than a cold shower to put out. He walked toward the door, one
hand reaching out to rest against the frame. “I told Ed to call them out to
readjust it on Monday. No, forget it, I’m on my way, just don’t touch
any—” he paused and drew his arm out to look at his watch. “I’ll be there
in twenty minutes, don’t touch anything, Mark.”

I hadn’t thought it was
possible to slam a flip phone until that point.

Troy spun around, his face
marred by a long, apologetic frown. “I am so sorry,” he shook his head. “One of
the guys I hired this last summer… well, he’s a bit of an idiot, and it looks
like I’m on my way to relieve him of his service.”

“Is everything okay?” I
stood up and grasped his forearm in my hand.

“Yeah,” his face softened,
and he slid in against me, lowering his lips against my forehead as he hugged
me close. “It’s fine, nothing to worry about.” He lifted his fingertips slowly
up my spine so that chills rippled through me. “I’m sorry.”

I leaned upward and kissed
him. “It’s okay,” and despite the inferno lit to raging inside me, I assured
him, “we have plenty of time.” As if in answer he kissed me back, a slow,
simmering promise of a kiss that I would feel on my lips for hours after he’d gone.

I sat on the edge of my bed
and watched him dress. When he pulled the flannel on over his work-shirt, I
grabbed the hem and tugged him closer, carefully threading the buttons through
their prospective holes while he looked on with a bemused grin.

He laid his hand down on top
of my head and then slowly smoothed his fingers through my hair. “You are so
beautiful.” His sudden compliment brought a lump to my throat, and the
sincerity of it was backed by the intensity of those dreamy eyes. In the past I
was told how beautiful I was on the threshold of a sexual encounter, perhaps
even as one of those “seal the deal” compliments, but not after a failed
attempt and never once it had been done.
 

I wrapped my fingers around
his wrist and drew it against my lips. “When you say it, I believe it.”

“Good,” he drew me upward by
my elbows and lifted me into one firm and final kiss. “Because it’s true. I’ll
see you tonight, right?” He started to back away, his fingers still intertwined
with mine.

“If it stops raining,” I
gestured toward the window, continual rivulets of rain rushed against the
glass.

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Call me.”

I retreated back to the edge
of the bed as the sound of his work boots hammered down the stairs. With my
t-shirt in my hand, I stood up when I heard the sound of his truck roar to life
outside, and walked to the window. I thought I saw him glance up at me just
before he pulled away, but I couldn’t be sure on account of the rainwater
distorting the world below. Clutching my shirt in one hand, and the curtains in
other, I thought about calling Becky, but what almost happened between us felt
sacred and unfinished, and in the end I didn’t want to tell a single soul.