Heart Like Mine (39 page)

“Well, I haven't had any problem sleeping at all,” she lied.

“Bullshit.” He touched her cheek gently. “Charlotte would take one look at you right now and call for a makeup crew to get rid of those purple circles.”

“Oh, Joshua.” She leaned into him. “What have we done?”

“Pretty sure I've heard of it before, but I'm not sure I knew what it felt like.” He smiled, sliding his arm around her. “I don't know about you, but I've spent the last three nights lying awake, wishing you were with me, and that's something I've never had to deal with before.”

“Me neither,” she whispered, and the admission made her feel like she was opening a raw wound, hoping he wouldn't pour salt inside.

“I know it's way too soon to say I love you, because seriously? I didn't even know you a month ago. It's not supposed to be possible. It doesn't work like that. Plus, I'm dead afraid you
will
give me a push if I say something so insane.”

He took a deep breath. “But I've analyzed it from every angle I can see, and I can't come up with any other explanation. I miss you. I can't
stand
not being with you. I have been wandering around in a daze for two days, trying to figure out what the hell happened to my head … my heart. I feel like I want to change anything about me that doesn't work for you … because I am dying here, Delaney.”

He took both of her hands in his, and she let him. “Sweetheart, you gave me a taste of heaven, and I never, ever want to settle for anything less. If this isn't love, then I can't imagine what is.”

Delaney looked out at the lake, trying to slow her pulse, which could have taken on a jackrabbit … and won. “I was never
ever
going to fall in love with a doctor.”

“Understandable. Sorry lot, we are.” He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers one by one. “Any chance I can convince you I'm different from the rest?”

She tipped her head, trying desperately hard to stay calm in the face of his sweet, gorgeous words. “I don't know.”

“Can I at least try?”

She studied his eyes, then drew her hand back and looked out at the trees, making him tip his head in question.

“It's not that easy.”

“I—I know. I'm not under any delusion that it is.”

“Joshua, I grew up in a big house with a big pool and a big playroom and a ton of toys, but I would have given it all up for a dad who could be home for dinner and read me a story at bedtime.” She looked at him. “I won't ever sign my own children up for that sort of life.”

“I know that. And you never
should
have to settle for that. I can't stand here and tell you everything will change immediately, because it won't—and because you wouldn't believe me, anyway. But I can promise that you make me
want
to.” He kissed her softly. “You make me
have
to, and it's the best feeling I've ever known.”

He reached up to brush her hair back from her face, holding her like a porcelain vase that was
this
close to breaking.

“Will you give me a chance, Delaney?
Can
you give me a chance to prove I can love you like you deserve to be loved?”

She looked at him for a long moment, and every fiber of her brain urged her to say no. Every fiber of her
heart
pushed her to wrap her arms around him and say yes.

“Kizilla,” she finally said.

He nodded, a sad smile replacing his hopeful one.

“Maybe.”

 

Chapter 35

“What are you doing for dinner tonight?” Joshua popped his head into Delaney's office two days later, looking deliciously hot in a dark green shirt and tie.

For two days, she'd ignored his calls. For two days, she'd left his voice mails sitting in her in-box. For two days, she'd played an avoidance game that—to her delight
and
dismay—had told her exactly what she needed to know.

She was stupidly, accidentally, completely in love with the man.

She just hadn't figured out what to do about it yet.

“I'm working, unfortunately.” She pointed at her computer screen, full of files she was using to compile an initial proposal for how pediatrics might be able to best use Oscar's generous bequest.

“Would the word
Bellinis
make you change your mind on that?”

“You play dirty, mister.”

He smiled. “I know.”

She looked at the clock. “What are you doing leaving already? It's only six o'clock.”

“I am practicing my new, improved, priorities-in-the-right-place lifestyle.”

She laughed. “I see.”

“It's funny.” He sat down in her guest chair. “When I said, ‘I'm leaving,' no one actually—cared. Millie practically pushed me to the elevator.”

“Maybe she's glad to see you try a normal schedule?”

He shrugged. “Or she's just sick of me. Either way, I'd love to take you out to dinner, if you'd let me.”

“Is Mama B making chicken and mostaccioli tonight?”

“She will for you.”

*   *   *

Four hours later, her stomach deliciously full of Italian yumminess, Delaney took Joshua's hand as he drove up the dirt road that led to the bluff over Echo Lake. It was dark, but this time, she found comfort in the privacy the woods offered as they parked in the clearing. He came around to her side of the truck and lifted her down, pausing to kiss her, then putting one hand over her eyes.

“Close your eyes. I have a surprise.”

He pulled her a few steps, then let go. Then she heard a match, and when she opened her eyes, Joshua was fanning a small campfire in the middle of the clearing.

“Did you—come out here earlier?” In the growing firelight, now she could see a tent and cooler behind her. Her stomach took a leap. Was he hoping they'd stay the night out here by the lake?

She was almost surprised to realize she was completely okay with that.

“I did. But just because it's all set up to be the most romantic night ever out here, there's absolutely no pressure to stay.”

She smiled at his sincere-yet-joking tone. “Noted.”

“There are a couple of folding chairs in the tent if you want to grab them.” He looked up from the fire. “And donuts in the cooler.”

She laughed out loud. “You brought donuts?”

“Megan accused me of ruining donuts for you. It sounded serious. I know I have some work to do.”

She laughed again as she ducked into the tent and pulled the two chairs out, setting them near the fire as he put on some more wood. As she sat down, looking past the gentle flames at the moonlit water below them, she felt a peace steal through her.

“I have some news,” he said as he sat down beside her.

“I'm intrigued.”

“I've decided to officially cut back my hours at Mercy.”

“Really?” She turned, shocked.

“It's time.” He poked at the fire. “I need a life.”

Inside, Delaney felt a warm happiness glow through her chest. It was followed quickly by a sharp slice of guilt, however. Was he doing this because of her?

“You're not doing this for someone—else, are you? Because … if you're not doing it for you, you'll end up resenting the decision—and her.”

He shook his head. “I'm doing it for me. It was high time I reexamined my life, and upon careful analysis, it appeared I was going to die a lonely old man.”

“What?” She sputtered out a laugh.

“It's true.” He shrugged. “I could work a hundred hours a week at that hospital, topped off by fifty at Avery's House, and in the end, I'd retire to a big, empty house … with nobody besides me in it. That's not what I want for my life.”

“What
do
you want?” Her voice was quiet, hopeful.

“You,” he said, his voice equally soft as he took her hand. “I know it's crazy. I've only known you for weeks, but it feels like a lifetime already.”

Delaney blinked, tears threatening behind her eyes, but she didn't trust herself to speak.

He entwined his fingers with hers. “What I want is you, Delaney. I want you in my life, I want you on the third floor doing the work your heart should be doing, and … I want you … in my bed.”

He took a deep breath. “And while we're just putting everything out here, can I just say that although you are probably the best financial analyst Mercy has ever had, I can't stop thinking about you with the kids on my floor … and I can't stop wondering if maybe there's somewhere else in that hospital that you should be.” He tossed a twig into the fire. “It's not where I'd put you if I were in charge of Mercy staffing, your MBA be damned.”

“Where
would
you put me?”

“On pediatrics, because
I
think that's where you truly belong.”

“Wow.” Her voice was quiet.

“I know you're qualified to be the CFO someday, if that's what you want. But honestly?” He squeezed her hand. “Your heart is wasted up there on the sixth floor, Delaney.”

She wrinkled her nose as she shook her head. “I don't know about that. My heart—might be safer up there.”

“Maybe,” he allowed. “Probably. But is it happy? Do you go home at night thinking about the Charlottes and the Kayas and the Ians of the world?”

“No.”

That's why my heart is safer.

He sighed. “It hurts like hell some days. I'm not gonna lie to you. Letting yourself let those kids in? It's an act of courage, because sometimes—sometimes they break your heart.” He looked at her steadily. “But they only break your heart because they've made it so much bigger in the meantime.”

Delaney pulled in a ragged breath, squeezing her eyes shut. “I … have some news, too.”

His eyes widened. “Oh?”

“At the risk of having to admit you're right, I decided to sign up for a couple of courses this fall. Nothing bold, no big decisions at this point, but I thought maybe it was time to see if maybe … maybe you're right. They're just basic ones, but they'd slot nicely into a child life specialist degree, if I decide at some point that maybe it's a job I might really want to do.”

She watched a slow smile take over his face. “Really?
Really?
”

“Yeah. Really.” She touched his cheek, letting her fingers rest on the five o'clock shadow she remembered doing delicious things to her body. “And I have you to thank for opening my eyes. I never knew.”

He shook his head. “It was inside you all the time. But just so you know, I can't promise psychotic gunmen every day. Sometimes the world of pediatrics is downright dull. Can you handle that?”

She pushed herself out of her chair and slid onto his lap, leaning back on his shoulder as his arms came around to hold her tight.

“I'm pretty sure that life with you could never be dull, Dr. Mackenzie.”

He buried his nose in her neck, kissing her softly. He nibbled her earlobe, then whispered, “Does this mean you might someday consider the possibility of life with me?”

“Well, it's still early days.” She gasped as his hands moved upward. “But you make a compelling argument.”

His lips and fingers moved in concert, heating her up in the light of the fire as he kissed her. Then he paused. “We'd make an excellent team, you know.”

“I think we already do, Joshua.” She smiled as she stood up and pulled him into the tent.

 

Chapter 36

Ten weeks later, Delaney found herself sitting in the Bellinis booth where she and Joshua had eaten their first dinner together, but this time, her hands weren't shaking, her hair was in a casual ponytail, and she still had on her scrubs from an afternoon of volunteering on the third floor, Mama B's no-scrubs rule be damned.

Joshua sat across from her, an amused expression on his face as he looked at her.

“What's so funny?” she asked.

“Nothing. I was just thinking how lucky I am.”

“Mm hm. Sure.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Fine. I was just wondering what you have on under those innocent-looking baby elephant scrubs.”

“Well, it's going to be a while till you find out.” She looked at her phone, smiling. “Ethan and Josie are late.”

“How about a hint?”

“Hot pink lace. But not very much of it.”

He groaned, letting his hand wander under the table and up her thigh. “If they're not here in five minutes, I say we take our order to go.”

“It's a deal.”

Just then, Molly appeared with two plates, setting them carefully on the table. “Josie and Ethan are stuck at the park—something went wonky on one of the rides. They said you should go ahead and eat without them.”

“Thanks, Molly. It looks delicious, as always.” Delaney unwrapped her silverware. “Do you have time to sit and eat with us?”

“Not tonight.” Delaney thought she saw her toss a wink Joshua's way. “You'll have to entertain each other, I guess.”

Joshua squeezed Delaney's knee. “We'll do our best.”

Half an hour later, Molly came back to clear their plates. “Dessert tonight? Mama made tiramisu.”

Delaney groaned. “I couldn't eat another bite.”

“Tiramisu, Delaney.” Molly raised her eyebrows.

“Okay.” She smiled. “But only because I don't want to insult Mama B.”

“Joshua?” Molly turned to him. “I'm assuming you want one, too?”

“Absolutely. Gotta keep up with my girl.”

“Coffee?”

“Yes.” He nodded, looking carefully at Delaney. “Three creamers, please.”

“Excellent!” Molly grinned and headed back to the kitchen.

Delaney watched her go, feeling her own eyebrows pull together. “Why is she so happy about creamer?”