Heart Of A Cowboy (11 page)

And he wanted his arms around her—not his coat. He
stared at the dark field below then lifted his gaze to the nearly full moon in the clear sky. Its radiance gave them enough light to see by. He inhaled a deep breath of the recently mowed grass. Silence surrounded them, except that his heartbeat throbbed in his ears, drowning out all common sense.

He shouldn't be here with Jordan.

He should leave—he shifted toward her. Their gazes bound across the few inches that separated them. His throat went dry. Thoughts fled his mind. His blood rushed to his limbs.

He leaned closer and brushed his lips across hers. Drawing her totally to him, he fenced her against him and deepened the kiss until he became lost in the sensations bombarding him—her heady scent, the feel of her mouth on his, the little gasp of surprise that had come from her when he first made a tactile connection.

When he pulled back slightly, she murmured, “Why did you kiss me?”

“Can you deny you haven't thought about how it would be after all these years?”

“Is that all it was to you? A way to satisfy an itch?”

Her questions sobered him—propelled him into the present. He shouldn't have kissed her. Too much stood between them. He rose. “We'd better get back. I wouldn't want your grandmother to worry.”

She removed his suit jacket and thrust it into his hands. “I don't need this anymore.” Whirling around, she started for the aisle.

He let her go, following a few paces behind her. Her stiff arms at her sides and long strides announced to the world she was upset.

Just friends. There could be no in between for them. Friends only.

Okay, so now that he'd gotten the kiss out of his system, he could move forward. Cement his relationship with Nicholas and keep Jordan at arm's length.
Yeah, right.

 

Nicholas opened the front door. “Dad, you're here. Mom said you might not come.”

“Sure. When does a guy turn down a home-cooked meal?” Sunday evening Zachary stepped through the threshold into the best-smelling house on the planet.

Aromas of baking bread, pot roast and spices assailed his nostrils. Mingling among those smells he caught a whiff of coffee. His stomach roiled, protesting his hunger. He'd worked nonstop from right after church to thirty minutes ago. He refused to let the previous night intrude into his thoughts, but if he stopped for any amount of time, he began to think about the kiss.

He followed his son into the den and found Granny, Doug, Eileen, Rachel and Jordan sitting and talking. Everyone stopped and stared at him when he came into the room.

Awkward, he covered the distance to Granny and presented her with a bouquet of flowers. “For the prettiest gal here.”

A flush stained her cheeks, much like it did Jordan's. “Who told you it was my birthday? Nicholas?”

His son shook his head.

Her sharp gaze landed on Jordan. “You?”

“Yes, and I made you a chocolate cake. If you don't watch out, I'll put eighty-one candles on it.”

“Not unless you want to call the fire department, child.”

Jordan stared at Zachary. “What about ‘Don't bring a gift' did you not understand?”

He slunk to the nearest chair and plopped down onto it. “I didn't think flowers would be considered a birthday present.”

“Dear, why don't you want to celebrate your birthday?” Doug looked at Granny. His white mustache framed his pinched lips.

“Because I've given them up. I did when I turned sixty.”

“What if I said I picked these from Becca's garden?” Zachary still held the bouquet in his hand.

Jordan stood and took the flowers from him. “I didn't know your sister has a rose garden.”

“She doesn't. The only one she has is a vegetable garden,” he said in a low voice for her ears only.

“Well, since he went to the trouble to get them, you might as well stick them in some water and put them in the dining room. And I thank you kindly, Zachary.” Granny angled toward Doug on the couch next to her, plastered her biggest smile on her face, her wrinkles deepening, and patted his hand between them. “Your presence is all I need on my birthday.”

Zachary surged to his feet. “I'll help you, Jordan.”

In the kitchen, he blew a breath out between pursed lips. “I messed up.”

“No, you didn't. Granny loves flowers, but she couldn't make a big deal out of it because she has insisted for years nothing special on her birthday.”

“Where did Nicholas disappear to?”

She waved her hand toward the kitchen door. “He's out back with his cousins. Taylor's helping him fix the fence where Tucker keeps digging out of the yard.”

“Beagles love to escape. I had one when I was a boy that was a master at climbing the fence. Tucker did like
the ranch, especially the squirrels and birds he ended up chasing around.”

After filling a glass vase with water, Jordan put the yellow roses into it one by one. “Dinner is about ready.”

“Can I set the table?”

“Done, but you can put these flowers on the sideboard in the dining room.” She held the vase toward him.

He clasped it, their fingers brushing against each other. He locked his gaze on hers, and all the sensations from the night before when he'd embraced her, kissed her, washed through him anew. He jerked back as though shocked by their touch. The glass vase crashed to the tile floor, shattering between them, shards flying everywhere.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pull back.” Staring down at the mess, he almost didn't hear her reply.

“Yes, you did. What's going on between us?” She dragged the trash can to the broken vase and stooped down to pick up the pieces.

Bending down next to her, he helped clean up the mess. “Nothing.”

“Oh, I see. That kiss meant nothing to you.”

“I shouldn't have done that. I got caught up in the moment, remembering the time when I had asked you to go steady sitting in that very spot.”

Emotions—hurt, sadness and finally irritation—flitted across her features. Her eyes downcast, she continued to work, but he'd seen the misty look in them.

He seized her wrist. “I made this mess. I'll take care of it. You get dinner on the table. Where's your broom and dustpan?”

“That's okay. I'd rather you go get Nicholas and the other kids. I need space.” She compressed her mouth into a thin line, but her eyes still glistened.

“Fine.” He rose and headed toward the back door.

Space was a good thing. Because for a few seconds, he'd wanted to sweep her into his arms and take away that hurt look inching back into her expression. But he couldn't. He'd loved two women in his life and had discovered he couldn't trust either one not to trample his heart. His fiancée had walked away after his bull-riding injury. And he'd been left alone with his grief—again.

Between Jordan and Audrey, he'd decided to live a life without emotional entanglements. Much easier on him—until Jordan turned up again.

 

“Do you want to go out and look at the stars with me?” Nicholas asked Zachary after the dishes were done that evening.

“Sure.”

“How about you, Mom? The moon is full. You'll be able to see the craters.”

Jordan put the dish towel over the handle on the stove. “I don't—”

“Please. We should be able to see Venus, too.”

“Okay. For a few minutes.”

Out on the deck, Nicholas removed the covering over his telescope and began adjusting it to view the moon.

“Nicholas, can you come in and help me with something?” Granny stood at the kitchen door, her expression hidden in the shadows.

“Yes. I'll be back. I think it's set up.” He pointed up into the sky to the left. “Venus is that way. Low on the horizon.” As he hurried away, her grandmother backed away to allow Nicholas inside.

The click of the door resonated in the quiet. Jordan peered at the telescope then Zachary. “You go first.”

While she waited for her turn, music drifted outside from an open upstairs window in her son's room. Words
from “Sealed with a Kiss” sounded, competing with Tucker's howl.

Zachary straightened and glanced toward the window. “What's that?”

“Granny has a CD with love songs on it that she plays occasionally.”

In the light that streamed from the kitchen Zachary's forehead creased. “Isn't that our son's room?”

“Yes. He's at it again with some help from Granny.”

“It's in His Kiss” followed next.

He burst out laughing. “What's next? ‘Then I Kissed Her'?”

“Actually I think ‘Something's Gotta Hold of My Heart.'”

“Yeah, heartburn.”

Jordan chuckled, catching sight of Nicholas peeking out the kitchen window with Granny next to him. “Don't look now but they are spying on us.”

He grabbed her and drew her to him. “Are you game for a little fun?”

“What?”

Her pulse thudded against her neck. He plastered her against him, then dipped her backward while he planted a kiss on her mouth. Her head spun, especially when he came up, dragging her with him. Dots before her eyes danced to the rhythm of the music.

“Do you think those two are still looking?” he said against her lips, his warm breath caressing them.

She leaned back and glanced up. “Yep, now they're blatantly standing in the window.”

Zachary pivoted around, shoved his hands to his hips and asked, “What do you think you're doing?”

Nicholas stuck his head out the kitchen door. “Granny wanted to hear her CD.”

Jordan stepped around Zachary. “She might but the whole neighborhood doesn't need to be serenaded. Nor do we. Close your window and get ready for bed.”

“Ah, Mom.”

“It's getting late and there's no more entertainment out here for you to see.” She crossed her arms to emphasize the point.

Evidently Nicholas decided not to argue, but instead did as she asked.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Zachary raked his hand through his hair. “He needs to understand about our relationship.” Again his fingers combed their way through his dark strands.

Explain it to me.
She clamped her lips together to still those words. “Then I suggest you have a father-son talk with him.”

His eyes widened. “You don't want to do it?”

“I don't think I could explain it well.”
Since you're sending me mixed messages.

“Okay, I'll tuck him in tonight and have that talk. I'll take care of everything.”

“You do that.” Jordan marched toward the back door and entered the kitchen, not caring if Zachary followed her or not.

He was going to hurt her and there was nothing she could do about it. She'd had her chance years ago and Zachary wasn't going to give her a second one—no matter how sorry she was concerning not telling him about Nicholas.

H
alf an hour later Zachary sat on Nicholas's bed, staring at his son's expectant face. Zachary gulped. He'd only been a father for less than a month. He wasn't ready for a father-son talk about the opposite sex, even if it had only to do with him and Jordan. When he thought about it, he'd probably never be.

“Nicholas, your mother and I are only friends.”

“I saw you kiss her.”

“I was playing with you.” And shouldn't have done it. What was it about being around Jordan that made him forget his common sense?

“Why can't you two marry?”

“Marriage is serious and can't be taken lightly.”
You have to trust each other.
But he couldn't say that to his son.

“I'm not. I want us to be a family.”

“We are a family. You'll always be our son.”

“That's not what I meant.” Nicholas frowned, folding his arms over his stomach.

“I know. Your mother loves you and I do, too.”

“But you don't love each other?”

He wanted to say no, but the word lodged in his throat. He swallowed hard, but the lump was immovable. “I'll always care about her,” he finally murmured.

His son's frown evolved into a scowl. “That's not…” He pulled his cover up to his shoulder and twisted away. “Oh, never mind.”

“Good night, son.” Zachary bent forward and kissed him on his side of his head.

When Zachary descended the stairs a minute later, he found Jordan sitting on the bottom one, her head hanging down, her hands loosely clasped between her legs. He settled beside her. “I told him, or rather I tried to.”

“I heard.”

“You listened?”

She slanted a look at him. “I'll have to pick up the pieces after you leave. I needed to know what you two talked about.”

“What a pair we make. Suspicious of each other.”

“You don't know Nicholas like I do.”

He surged to his feet, curling and uncurling his hands. He didn't like all these emotions flooding him. Life was simpler when he didn't feel so intensely. “And whose fault is that?” His hurried strides chewed up the distance to the front door. Out on the porch, he paused, tried to compose himself. Couldn't.

On the long drive to his ranch his gut kicked like a bucking horse. How was he supposed to forgive Jordan for robbing him of ten years with his child? The only one he'd ever have? He'd missed so much already. Every time he was with Nicholas that was reinforced. And yet, she'd tried to tell him once—thought she'd been rejected by him. What a pair they were!

When he drove down the gravel road that led to his place, he saw the light in Becca's kitchen still on. He swerved his
truck and parked behind her house. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. She'd been there after his rodeo accident and helped him adjust.

He knocked on the door, and a few seconds later it was opened by his older sister. He tried to smile a greeting, but it died instantly on his lips.

“Your dinner at Jordan's didn't go well?”

He shook his head. “Nicholas keeps trying to fix us up.” He trudged into the kitchen and sank into a chair at the table.

“Ah, that's cute.”

“No, it isn't.”

“Why not? You loved Jordan once.”

His gut constricted even more. “It's not that simple.”

Becca sat across from him. “I feel bad about not saying something directly to you about her calling eleven years ago. If I had, this would be a moot point.”

“It's not your fault.”

“I can understand why you're angry with her, but you've gotta let it go. It will eat you up inside. Color your relationship with your son.”

“How's this any different than if we were married and divorced?” He set his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers.

“It's isn't really. Most children want to see their divorced parents back together.”

“I think Granny is encouraging him to get us together. Actually there is no ‘think' about it. I know.”

“Knowing Jordan's grandmother, you aren't gonna change her mind. She's like a pit bull. She isn't gonna let it go.”

He rubbed his hands down his face. “I'm gonna have to stay away as much as possible.”

“How's that gonna help you get to know your son better?”

“I thought I'd have Nicholas go camping with us next weekend. Getting away from Tallgrass will be good.”

“You mean running away. Your problems won't disappear. Face them. As a teenager, you had deep feelings for Jordan.”

Zachary pushed to his feet. “Yeah, a long time ago. Not now. The best we can be is friends for Nicholas's sake.” If he said it enough, he would come to believe it.

He strode from his sister's place and headed toward his own. Answers still eluded him like the grand prize now in a rodeo competition. When he pulled up in front, he stared at his dark house. Once he'd dreamed of having a home full of children, a loving relationship—with Jordan. Then when that blew up in his face, he slowly rebuilt his dream with Audrey, who had left him because he couldn't be the father of the children she'd wanted. There wouldn't be a third time.

At least I have one son. Thank You, Lord, for that.

 

Early before dawn the next morning after Zachary had called Jordan, Nicholas rushed into the barn. “Has Buttercup had the foal yet?”

With his hands clasped, his forearms on the stall door, Zachary peered toward Nicholas and her coming toward him. “Nope. But she's getting close.”

“Can I see? Can I see?” Nicholas hopped up and down.

Zachary passed Jordan going to the tack room. “I'll be right back.”

After the evening she and Zachary had, the timing of the birth of the foal wasn't good. During the middle of her sleepless night, she'd come to a decision. If being his
friend was the only relationship she could have with Zachary, she would try to make it work. Which meant she had to tamp down her feelings for him. He'd broken her heart once before. She rubbed her hand over her chest. She was afraid that it was too late this time, as well. It hurt to be in love with a man who didn't feel the same.

“Here, son, use this.” Zachary put a stool in front of the stall door.

“Can't we go inside?”

“I don't like to unless there's a problem.”

Zachary stood on the left side of Nicholas while she took up her post on the right.

Nicholas squealed. “Look. I see a leg.”

Seeing the joy and wonder on her son's face made the uncomfortable feeling okay. She would do anything for Nicholas.

“If you decide to be a vet, you could work with large animals. There are plenty of ranches around here.” Zachary's gaze slipped from their son to Jordan. The tired lines about Zachary's eyes underscored his sleepless night, too.

Groans from the mare filled the air. Jordan thought about when she'd had Nicholas, alone because he was a few weeks early. Zachary had been on the other side of the world, oblivious to the fact he was becoming a father. As though he were thinking the same thing, his lips disappeared beneath his tight expression. He turned away, keeping his full attention on the drama occurring in the stall.

“Guys, the head is out.” Nicholas pointed at the dark, wet foal.

The mare strained, her stomach rising and falling. Buttercup struggled to her feet, twirled around, then plopped down on the hay-covered floor.

Nicholas's eyes grew huge. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, she's doing fine. The foal's coming out the right way. Sometimes the mama gets a little restless, impatient.”

Like a lot of mamas around the world.
But she kept that to herself, not wanting to remind Zachary he hadn't been at his son's birth.

When the baby came completely out, Nicholas jumped up and down, clapping his hands. “This cinches it. I want to be a vet. I'm going to have to really get into science now. When we get home today, let's work on that first.”

“First, we're going over your essay. Then we can do science. Your anatomy class with Dr. Reynolds should be helpful.”

“We're studying the heart and its function right now. I already knew quite a bit because of my problem. I've read a lot about it.”

Jordan captured Zachary's look, trying to gauge his reaction to his son's words. His closed expression told her nothing of what was going on inside him until his jaw twitched.

“I thought this next weekend you could go camping with me and Aunt Becca's family. Would you be interested, Nicholas?”

Her son whirled around on the stool, nearly toppling over. After steadying himself, he radiated his joy. “I've always wanted to go camping. When?”

“We'll leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday evening.”

“Mom?”

She wished she'd had some warning about this. Biting down on the inside of her mouth, she kept the first words that came to mind inside. After last night she didn't need any more tension between her and Zachary. “That sounds
fine to me,” she finally said when her son gave her a quizzical look.

“Mom, you should go, too. We've never been camping.”

With the bugs and snakes? Her idea of roughing it was a two-star hotel. “I don't know.”

“Please. It will be fun.”

It is if you like to get dirty and sleep on the ground.
She peered at Zachary, who remained stony quiet. When she swept her attention back to Nicholas, he studied them, his expression hovering somewhere between a grin and a frown. “I'll have to think about it, but that doesn't mean you can't go, hon.”

The foal finally made it to its wobbly legs while Buttercup licked the baby. When it started nursing, Nicholas hopped down. “Can I go in now?”

“Sure, but don't interfere with the foal nursing.” Zachary opened the stall door.

“I won't. I know how important it is for the mama and baby to bond.”

Nicholas moved in slow motion inside, his eyes as round as wagon wheels while he took everything in. He began talking softly to the two animals. The mother's ears cocked toward him.

Zachary's hand clamped around hers, and he tugged her back toward the middle of the barn. “You can come if you want, but unless you've made an about-face on the idea of camping, you'd be miserable.”

“Is that why you planned the outing? To exclude me?”

“No, I just want to get to know my son. I'm having to make up for lost time. When he talks about his heart defect, he's so matter-of-fact, but it couldn't have been easy. I wish I could have been there for him, held his hand, let him know I loved him.”

Tears gathered in her eyes. “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

“That's what the Lord wants.” He dropped his hand away from hers—sadness shadowing his eyes. “I'm really trying, Jordan, to do what's right.”

But he hadn't forgiven her yet. He'd all but said that. His unspoken intent hurt more than she wanted to acknowledge. She saw out of the corner of her eye Nicholas watching them. She stepped closer, Zachary's male scent vying with the odors of the barn—horse, hay, dust. Tilting her chin, she averted her head so her son couldn't see her expression. “So am I, Zachary.” She sucked in a stabilizing breath. “And I haven't changed that much. I'm still not gung-ho about camping.”

“Well, that's reassuring. Not everything has changed.” He strode toward Nicholas.

 

“Child, what are you doing here? You should be getting ready to go camping with Nicholas and Zachary.” Granny shuffled into the kitchen not a half an hour after dawn peeked over the horizon on Saturday morning.

Jordan nursed a large cup of strong coffee. She hadn't slept a wink last night. Each time she'd started to nod off, visions of her lying on the ground with bugs and spiders and snakes crawling all over her intruded. The picture destroyed her peace.

“I'm not wanted,” she said in a self-pitying tone that even made her hunch her shoulders.

“Oh, my, you've got it bad. You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself. If you want the young man, you need to get up and do something about it. Sitting here moping won't change the circumstances.” Granny eased down beside her and took her hand. “When you were a teenager, you still had a—” she thought for a few seconds “—a lot of growing
up to do. You were used to getting your way, especially with Zachary. You thought you could go away for a couple of years and come back here after you'd done what you wanted and pick right up where you two left off.”

“No, I didn't….” Yes, secretly she had thought that. She'd wanted to go away to see what was out there and art school in Savannah gave her the means. She'd been eighteen and not ready to settle down even in a year like Zachary had thought. “Okay, maybe I did.”

“But Zachary didn't stay here waiting for you. And when you found that out, you were hurt and angry. Then Nicholas had problems, and you had your hands full. You grew up fast. You aren't that same young girl, and Zachary isn't that same young man. Get out there and get to know him in his element. Go camping. Your son asked you again before he left to go spend the night at the ranch. Give you three a chance.”

Jordan pulled her hand free and wrapped her fingers around the warm mug, drawing in the fragrance of the coffee. The best smell in the world. “I'm not the one who's fighting us being together as a family.”

“Do you blame Zachary? You can be so stubborn at times.” Her grandmother snorted unladylike. “To paraphrase the words of one of my favorite Gene Pitney songs, ‘only love has the power to fix a broken heart.' Give him a reason to fall in love with you again.”

“But he doesn't trust me.”

“When he does love you, his trust will come.” Granny struggled to her feet, steadied herself by gripping the table's edge. “I took the liberty of borrowing Doug's sleeping bag and small pup tent. In the hallway by the front door. Now get before they leave without you.”