Heartfire (23 page)

Ryan looked down at the strings of his sneakers.  "But one of the kids at school, his dad left and didn't come back.  Brian said it's because he was bad and his mom and dad yelled about him all the time...and I thought I did something to make my mommy go away..."

Tessa laid her head against Ryan's and hugged him tighter.  "You are the best little boy anybody could want.  Sometimes things happen and we can't do anything about them."

Max crouched down in front of Ryan.  "What did you think you did wrong?"

Ryan shrugged.  "I thought and thought and thought.  But I don't 'member Mommy very much."

Tessa lifted Ryan's chin.  "Ryan, if I tell you I'm going to come back, will you believe me?"

He glanced away into the living room and murmured, "California is
way
far away.  Not like New York."  Then he faced her again and studied her.  "Can you
promise
?"

Feeling her heart lift a little, she smiled.  "Yes, I can promise.  And I can call you from California.  I can't promise to call every day.  I don't know where I'll be and I might not have a signal some of the time. But for sure I can call you when I get there and I can call you before I come home.  If I can call in between, I will.  Do you believe me?"

He hesitated, then nodded.

"Good.  And I'd like you to do something for me.  Every day I'm gone, you draw me a picture of something you did and you can tell me all about it when I get back.  Okay?"

Ryan's grin spread from one side of his face to the other.

Max brushed Ryan's hair from his forehead.  "We love you, Ryan.  No matter what you do or what you say or how old you get, we'll always love you."  Max gave his son a hug, and Tessa brushed a loose tear from her cheek.

Ryan hopped up and ordered, "Don't leave 'til I come back.  I wanna get something."  Turning, he ran up the stairs.

Tessa said to Max in a low voice, "I should have known."

He frowned.  "How could you know?"

Her eyes lifted to his slowly as the pain rose up and spilled over.  "Because I wondered the same thing for many years.  I figured for my mother to leave me, I had to have done something terribly wrong.  My father left, my mother left...how could I possibly think
I
was all right?  And because I thought something was wrong with me, I didn't make friends, either.  I was afraid to risk becoming attached...afraid of loving.  I bet that's why Ryan isn't making friends."

"But he's attached to me and you."

"You're the constant in his life.  And like you said before, I was more like Santa Claus.  But this time I stayed longer, and he got attached.  Sometimes we can't help getting connected even though we're trying to protect ourselves from it."

Max's hands clenched at his sides, but his voice was even.  "It sounds as if he's been thinking about all this quite a bit.  That could be why he's distracted at school.  I'll talk to Mrs. Bartlett so she knows what's going on."

Pounding feet down the stairs brought Tessa to her feet.  Ryan hopped down the last step and held out his hand to Tessa.  It was his favorite car, a red Ferrari.  "You take this along so you don't forget about us."

Tessa realized Ryan still needed reassurance, and probably the best thing she could do was to leave and then return as she said she would so he'd understand he could trust her.  She took the car and put it in her purse.  "I'll take very good care of it."  Leaning down, she kissed him on the cheek and gave him a final hug.

But she realized she didn't like leaving...she didn't like it at all.

***

Away from the fires, bustle and confusion Friday in her hotel room, Tessa wrapped a fluffy white robe around her after her shower and checked the bedside clock next to where Ryan's miniature Ferrari sat.  Too early to call Max and Ryan.  They wouldn't be home from school yet.  She'd managed a call to them Wednesday evening.  Picking up Ryan's small car and turning it over in her hand, she smiled.  When she'd called the night she'd arrived, he'd still seemed somewhat anxious.  When she'd called Wednesday, he'd jabbered to her for a good fifteen minutes about school and Scruffy.

Now Max...he was another story.

He'd been civil...polite...as if nothing had happened between them in the past six weeks.  Didn't he care at all what she was doing?  Didn't he care if she came back?  He certainly didn't sound as if he did.  So much had changed during her stay with him this time.  She had changed.  Because right now she didn't care about what had been going on around her...or her interviews.  All she cared about was getting back to Max and Ryan.   She felt like a different person.  Even Linc had noted a change and commented on her lack of enthusiasm for a story that would engender publicity and add another distinguished notch to her career belt.

She glanced at the clock again.  Might as well check messages.  When she picked up her phone, she realized there was a missed message that must have come in when she was in the shower.  As she investigated further, she saw the call had been from Jason Vandemeer!  He was an important name in cable TV.  It was rumored he was planning to start up another twenty-four hour news network.  But after she pressed the button to return his call, she only reached his voicemail.  She left a message.  After another fifteen minutes of returning other calls that had stacked up while she was in the field, she decided to try Max and Ryan.

Pressing a speed-dial number, Tessa waited expectantly for Max to answer.

But an eight-year-old voice piped up, "Is that you, Tessa?"

Her thumb rimmed the hood of Ryan's toy car.  "Hi, pancake.  What's cooking?"

He giggled and launched into a description of the clubhouse Jimmy's dad was building for him.  When he was finished, he asked tentatively, "When are you comin' home?"

"Home" was taking on new meaning for her and today she could give him a definitive answer.  "Tomorrow."

"For sure?"

"For sure."

As if satisfied, he asked, "You wanna talk to Dad now?"

"You bet."  She heard Ryan say to Max, "She's comin' home tomorrow."

When Max came on the line, he asked, "Your work is finished?"

"Yes."

"Where are you now?"

"In a hotel in LA."

Could Max miss her?  The idea made her smile...and hope.  "Are you going to compete with Jimmy's dad?" she asked softly, wanting to get back to an easy footing with Max.

"A clubhouse?  Ryan and I talked about it.  But I think a jungle gym might be better.  Come spring, we'll see."

Come spring.  The phrase hung between them.  "Will you be home tomorrow when I get back?  My flight will get in around noon.  I'll be there early afternoon."

"We don't have any plans.  I'm sure Ryan will want to stay home and wait for you."

And what about you?
she asked silently.  Taking a risk, a giant step forward with her heart pounding, she admitted, "I've missed you and Ryan."

Silence met her so she filled in with, "I had to make a return call and couldn't reach a man –Jason Vandemeer."

"I've heard that name mentioned in the news."

"He's important in cable news.  When I couldn't reach him, I told him I'd be flying back to Connecticut tomorrow.  I left your number, too.  I just wanted you so know so—"

"So I wouldn't delete the message thinking it was a telemarketer?  Got it, Tessa.  Don't worry."

But she
was
worried...about her love for Max and his feelings for her. 
If
he had them.  "I'll see you tomorrow," he said.   "Ryan wants to say good-bye."

She spent a few more minutes talking to Ryan, then hung up, her heart sinking.  She wanted so badly to tell Max that she loved him, but she wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.  And she didn't know if she could risk another rejection in her life.

***

The tension between Max and Tessa was a palpable fog.  She'd been back for three days and each had been the same.  If she got too close to Max, he backed away.  She stepped into a room, he left it.  Except when Ryan was around, he treated her like a stranger.  The only productive conversation they'd had alone concerned Max's conference with Mrs. Bartlett.  She'd agreed with Tessa that they'd probably discovered the root of Ryan's problem.  Now that it was out in the open, they could all give him the reassurance he needed.

By Monday, Tessa was hurt and overwhelmed by a love for Max that was as confusing as his actions.  To distract herself, she'd tried to phone Jason Vandemeer all weekend, but had still only reached his answering service.

Finally Monday morning, the man returned her call, explaining, "I was out of the country for the weekend.  I'd like to discuss some business with you but prefer not to do it over the phone.  Can you meet me at my office in New Haven this afternoon?"

She quickly said she could.

Three hours later, thankful for the distraction, Tessa waited in a reception area of a plush office building.  She'd be leaving for the Summit on Saturday and didn't know what to do about Max.  Did he expect her to leave and not come back for a few months?  Did he want her to spend Thanksgiving with him?  Christmas?  If he didn't love her, she didn't want to force her presence on him.  If he did love her, wouldn't he ask her to stay?  And what would she say?  I'll give up my career for you and Ryan?  Could she do that?

"Ms. Kahill?"

She looked up to find an older gentleman, silver-haired, spectacled and distinguished-looking, motioning for her to come into his office.  His eyes skimmed up her black tailored slacks and white oxford shirt.  When she reached the doorway, he extended his hand.  "I'm Jason Vandemeer."

Tessa nodded and shook his hand.  "It's a pleasure to meet you."

He let her precede him into the office and instead of taking the chair behind his desk, he sat in one of the two in front of it as did she.  "Are you curious why I asked to see you?"

"Intrigued, actually.  Is it true you're starting your own cable news channel?"

When he grimaced, his glasses slipped down his nose a little.  He shoved them up.  "No secrets in this business, are there?"

She smiled.  "Do you want to keep it a secret?"

"Until I got more backing, I did.  But we're ready to roll now.  A press release went out today."

She waited.

"I saw your interview on the local channel.  I've looked into your background, your TV interviews, your blogs and print and online articles.  I'd like you to join our staff.  I'd like you in not only production but as the face of foreign affairs in our after-lunch hour."

The offer hit her like a streak of lightning.  "You're kidding!"

"I couldn't be more serious, Ms. Kahill.  May I call you Tessa?"

She nodded, stunned beyond words.

"You have experience, name recognition, and you're young enough to appeal to our twenty to thirty-five age range demographic. You've worked with editors, producers, other journalists, photographers, and from my research on you, you're a team player.  I need a good team if I'm going to succeed.  And I
do
intend to succeed."