Hearts Awakening (39 page)

Jackson shook his head. He did not know the answers to those questions any more than he knew if he was capable of loving anyone other than his own sons.

Dropping to his knees, he bowed his head and turned to the One who knew his heart and his faults better than he knew them himself. “Father, please help me to know what to do. I don’t understand why Dorothea has come back into my life now, just when I was beginning to think I could actually build a good life with Ellie by my side. Forgive me for being so uncertain, but I trust you and I love you. Please help me to make the right decision for all of us, especially for my sons, but most especially, a decision in accordance with your will. Amen,” he whispered and got back to his feet.

All too aware that he needed to tell Ellie about Dorothea’s second letter and the likelihood that she would arrive very soon, he left his room and crossed the hall. He made sure the boys were still asleep before he headed downstairs and closed the door at the bottom of the staircase before going into the kitchen. Although he welcomed the warmth in the room, he was disappointed that Ellie was not there. Poor Thing was not there, either, but the two puppies were lying there on the floor asleep, no doubt exhausted after spending the previous day playing with his sons.

He noticed there were three large kettles of water set to boil on the cookstove, which meant she was planning to do some laundry today. He tested the water with the tip of one of his fingers. It was barely warm, so the kettles had not been on the cookstove for very long.

When he saw a note from Ellie lying on top of her worktable next to a full plate of warm apple fritters, he crossed the room, snatched one of the fritters, and ate it while he read her note:

I took Poor Thing for a walk. Ellie

Disappointed, but not deterred, he grabbed his coat and another fritter before heading outside. Since he was planning to spend the entire day working at the north end of the island renovating an old section of orchard, he needed to find Ellie now and ask her if she would sit and talk to him later tonight.

With time to herself while she waited for the kettles to come to a boil, Ellie followed Poor Thing along the southern shore of the island and pulled her new cape tighter against the cold of early morning, although the day promised to turn exceptionally warm later.

She did not venture through the woods in front of the house to come here often, but it was the one place that offered her the solitude she needed. She passed by a copse of walnut trees, the only area on the island where this type of tree still remained, and made a mental note to return here with the boys to harvest the last of the precious walnuts before winter set in.

Unless she was gone before then.

She paused to look up at the sky to offer yet another prayer for patience as well as trust, but hope that her prayers would be answered and Jackson would ask her to stay nipped at her faith. Overhead, a fluff of a cloud was framed with pure golden light from the sun that was hidden from her view. Awed by the sight, she studied the dark nooks and crannies in the body of the cloud within the frame and smiled.

Like the cloud, her life was filled with troubles and doubt, as well as joy. At times like this, she needed to remember that God was always behind her, surrounding her with the light of His love, even though she could not see He was there. She also needed to remember Gram’s words and prayed that the light of God’s love would reach deep into Jackson’s spirit, too.

She resumed her steps, even as her thoughts grew troubled again. She knew Jackson was struggling to decide if he wanted Dorothea back in his life, but she was struggling, too. She still wanted to believe that this is where God wanted her to be, but as the days passed, she had begun to wonder if she was wrong and had misunderstood His will after all. Perhaps, in the end, Jackson and Daniel and Ethan were not gifts He had meant for her to keep, but rather just to share for a brief time, even though she had fallen in love with the man whose name she had carried and loved those boys as if they were her own.

She also knew that unless Jackson loved her, too—truly, truly loved her—staying here with him would only lead to heartache, regardless of how much joy she found in raising Daniel and Ethan.

When Poor Thing stopped suddenly, alert to something Ellie could not see, she paused in her steps again and heard a rustle in the woods that made her heart skip a beat. Although Michael Grant had eventually found and destroyed the rogue wolf while she and Jackson had been in the city, she grew worried that another wild predator had decided to venture here.

Until she saw Jackson emerging from the woods.

He waved and hurried to join her. “I was hoping I’d find you here,” he said as Poor Thing ran over to him and received a gentle pat on the head.

She chuckled nervously. “Me or the dog?”

“You,” he said, at which point Poor Thing ventured off to investigate more scents.

“I left you a note, but I didn’t expect you’d come looking for me,” she said as she started following the dog.

He walked alongside her. “Since I’m working at the north end of the island all day, I wanted to talk to you before I left.”

She caught her breath and held it, but she offered no reply. If Jackson had something so important to discuss with her that he needed to follow her out here to do it, she was not going to say anything that could discourage him, no matter how difficult it might be to hear what he had to say.

“It’s about tonight,” he said. “I was wondering if you’d join me in front of the fire after the boys go to bed, like you used to do.”

Relieved, she glanced at him. “I thought you might prefer to have some time alone.”

“I miss our talks.”

She cocked a brow. “We’re talking now.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

She paused in her steps, forcing him to stop, as well. “I know you have a decision to make. I can’t help you to do that,” she murmured. “I also know that while I pray each day that you won’t set me aside for Dorothea, which you’re legally free to do, I can’t control how you feel about either one of us. You once married a woman when you were in love with another. Please don’t repeat that mistake and stay married to me if you truly are still in love with Dorothea.”

He arched his back defensively. “You know all about my life and the mistakes I’ve made, yet I know very little about yours.”

“I’ve told you all there is to know.”

“You’ve told me about your family. That’s true enough, but you’ve never once told me about any of your suitors, except that you had two, I think.”

“Yes, I had two,” she admitted begrudgingly.

“Yet you married neither one of them. Why not?” he asked as he bent down, picked up a small stone, and skipped it across the surface of the river.

“Lots of reasons, but I don’t see how—”

“I’d like to hear them,” he insisted.

She drew in a long breath and counted out her reasons on her fingers, quickly covering the scar on her forefinger with her thumb. “I didn’t want to marry Frederick McKenzie, who was my first suitor, because he was seventy-two years old, while I was barely eighteen. By the time David Shepherd asked to court me, my father had died and I was living alone with my mother. He withdrew his interest in me because he objected to including my mother in our household once we were married,” she said and dropped her hand to her side.

“Did you . . . did you love him?” Jackson whispered.

“I thought I did. Eventually I realized that I was only in love with the idea that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life as a spinster,” she admitted. After taking a huge gulp of air, she turned to face him and told him the truth she had kept hidden from him for the past few months. “You’re the only one man I’ve ever loved, Jackson Smith, and I love you with all my heart,” she whispered, blinking back tears that threatened to spill before she finished what she had to say. “I’ve told you many times that I don’t want to leave you or our boys, but if you truly love Dorothea and want to be with her, then all you have to do is say so and I’ll leave here quietly, with nothing more than what I brought to this island, so you can be with her. All I ask is that you give me a letter of reference, that I might find a position far away from here, because it would be too confusing for the boys to see me from time to time if I stayed in the city.”

She dropped her gaze, turned, and walked away, even though she knew she had not told him the whole truth. If he set her aside, she would leave, but with far less than she had when she arrived here that fateful day in August.

Because she would leave behind the one thing she had never given to any other man: her heart.

Thirty-Nine

Since Jackson would be having dinner with the Grants to take advantage of the dwindling daylight now that winter was drawing near, Ellie did not expect him back until suppertime, which still might not give her enough time to forget the disastrous mistake of telling him that she loved him.

Fortunately, she had two rambunctious boys—not to mention two very boisterous puppies and a mama dog—to handle on her own, as well as her housework to keep her hands busy and her mind occupied.

After scrubbing the parlor floor, she stopped for the boys’ lessons. As she concluded, however, she glanced at the sunshine pouring through the windows into the kitchen and rebelled. If her days here on this island were going to end soon, she was not going to waste this glorious day in the house when she could be outside spending time with the boys. “Put your slates and chalk on the shelves. We’re going for a walk,” she announced, then suddenly recalled the walnut trees she had seen earlier.

“Can Griddle and Cakes come with us?” Daniel asked as he scrambled down from his chair.

“We’ll watch them good,” Ethan promised as he raced ahead of his brother to be the first to put away his things.

Ellie laughed, but also noted that Poor Thing was getting little attention now. “No puppies. We have a special task to do, and I don’t want to have to worry about the puppies. I’ll have my hands full just keeping the two of you out of the river.”

“Are we going to get more river stones?” Daniel asked.

“No, we’re collecting walnuts in the woods down by the river, which means you two have to change into some old overalls, the ones you wear when you go outside to play, and put on your boots.” She started to untie her apron strings. “Daniel, you help your brother get started. I’ll meet you both back here to finish up once I change my gown.”

Both boys raced ahead of her to run upstairs, and she hurried to her room. Collecting walnuts could be a dirty business, and the pale blue gown she wore would no doubt end up stained beyond saving. She took the dark brown gown she had mended yet again out of the trunk and quickly changed.

When she returned to the kitchen, she found Ethan sitting and Daniel kneeling on the floor, struggling to help Ethan with his boots. “I’ll do that,” she suggested. “See if you can reach one of those nice-size baskets sitting up there on the shelf.”

Daniel dragged a chair over to the shelf, climbed up, and pulled down two baskets. “One for me and one for Ethan.” He carried the baskets over to her.

She laughed as she tried to slide Ethan’s boot into place. “That’s fine.”

“Can we visit Mama and Gram today, too?” Ethan asked.

“Can we get more river stones for the puppy?” Daniel added.

“Well, why don’t we collect the walnuts first? If you’re not too tuckered out, then we’ll see if we can’t find a few river stones. We can’t go all the way to the landing to get them, because I really do need to get some scrubbing done today, but I think we can find enough stones along the shore near the walnut trees. Ready?” she asked as she patted the bottom of Ethan’s boots.

“Ready!” they cried in unison, and raced across the room and out the porch door before she said another word.

Chuckling, she hurried after them, hoping to tuck one more precious memory of these boys into her heart.