Heart's Desire (12 page)

“I don't have any problems.”

“Sure you don't.” She tossed the folder back onto the side table and stood up, looking down at Nathan. “Maybe you're right. It's probably better if you do stay away. You couldn't handle someone like Jess.”

“Did you want something, Bailey, or just to be a pain in the butt?”

She laughed out loud. “And there's the real Nathan Kerrington that Justin speaks so highly of. Not this stick-in-the-mud banker. He kept telling me about all the pranks you two pulled in college, and how much fun you had the last time you were here. What happened?”

“I grew up.” Nathan glared at her.

He wasn't a stick-in-the-mud. He knew how to have fun; it was just a different kind of fun. Now there was a purpose to what he chose to do for fun. He didn't have time to waste on frivolity, or the freedom he had in college to pull childish pranks. Nathan realized he sounded like his father. Visions of lying on the blanket under the stars with Jessie filled his mind, erasing the boring events he merely tolerated for business.
That
was fun, but not the kind he could have on a regular basis. She was the kind of fun that was bound to cause one of them trouble.

“Let me guess, your kind of fun consists of schmoozing clients, business dinners, and midmorning tee times.” Nathan narrowed his eyes, hating that he was so predictable. Bailey pressed on, plucking the file he was reading from his hands and setting it aside. “Maybe, just maybe, you should get away from work long enough to realize life is going to keep moving ahead, with or without you, and you're getting left behind.”

The truth hurt. Really hurt. He hadn't realized how empty his life really was until he'd arrived here and witnessed their family dynamic. He wanted real connections, not the charade he'd been settling for. He wanted his friendship with Justin again. He was tired of women who only wanted his wealth and fame but didn't care in the slightest about him. Seeing Jessie and Justin again slapped him in the face with all he was lacking, things he'd put on the back burner and, most likely, missed his chance at ever having. He wanted the relationship he'd given up with Jessie.

He didn't need Bailey pointing it out again. Anger swirled in his chest. Emotions he so often held in check burst free of his usual control and spilled over.

“Maybe you should realize that this rocker-country-girl thing you've got going on isn't going to get you anywhere, Bailey. Maybe you should spend a little less time criticizing my life and a little more taking an account of what you plan on doing with your own. Or are you planning on living off your cousins' generosity forever?”

Her eyes flashed and he immediately regretted his angry words. He hadn't meant for them to come out so harsh. She didn't deserve his bitterness. It wasn't her fault he'd made so many mistakes. “Bailey, I . . . ” He glanced up at her in time to see her clench her jaw, sadness shuttered her dark brown eyes.

“It's a good thing you have me all figured out, Wall Street.” Sarcasm tinged her voice and she didn't bother to hide her hurt at his snub. “You know, I'm surprised you got so riled up if I'm as far off base as you claim. I'm sure you're absolutely thrilled with your life the way it is. From what Justin's said, it's been going so well for you. All that money and prestige. How lonely is that empty penthouse, by the way?”

Bailey trotted down the steps of the porch and headed toward the main house. “Your big bank account must keep you nice and warm at night. Maybe money
can
buy happiness. You should know.”

“Bailey!” Nathan yelled after her, but Bailey just ignored him and continued toward the house.

Nathan knew he should go after her, but he felt like an idiot for letting his temper get the better of him. He shouldn't have said the things he did. It wasn't like him to be abrasive, but he'd been on edge ever since he and Jessie had kissed last night. He'd been trying to dismiss it as sexual frustration, but he knew better, and Bailey had just pointed out the obvious.

From an early age, he'd been taught responsibility, logic, and money were the root of success in life. As the older of two children, they were a perfect nuclear family—one boy, one girl. His mother had gone to an all-girls college on the East Coast and studied business, but it was really an MRS degree. His father, on the other hand, had seen nothing wrong with taking whatever he wanted, whether it was in politics or business, and the legalities were of little consequence. If it wasn't legal, he'd find a way to work around the law. Money could hire people willing to do just about anything, and the large sums his father threw at his flunkies were enough to keep them quiet.

Family loyalty, love, fun, excitement, passion . . . none of those words were in the Kerrington vocabulary. Everything about Justin's lifestyle had been foreign and exciting to Nathan in college, drawing him like a moth to a flame.

The way Jessie drew him now.

He'd dated women with far more refinement and prestige, kept company with debutantes and high society elite, yet none of them kept him awake at night, twisting in the sheets, his fingers clenching with need to touch her. None of them caused the frenzy of wild desire that raged through him in her presence, making him want to forget every bit of his genteel upbringing. To want to give in to the need to taste her lips, to feel her skin under his fingers, to hear her whisper his name.

He wanted to believe it was the novelty of Jessie, the way she was so different from any other woman he'd ever been with. She was as free a spirit as he'd ever known. She did everything completely or not at all, and when she gave her word, or her heart, she meant it. At least, at one time. He'd never found anyone else like her. In his world, people hid behind pretense, falsifying every word to raise their own esteem. But not Jessie. In fact, she didn't seem to know how incredible she was, let alone take pride in it. How the hell had he ever allowed his father's threats to convince him let go of that?

He wandered toward the corral where she stood, completely still, with her back to the horse. The animal snorted loudly at Nathan's approach but didn't look his way. The horse dropped his head and walked toward her, nudging her shoulder with his nose. He was rewarded when she stepped backward, reaching up to scratch him.

“Need something?” He was surprised when she addressed him, since she hadn't moved to look at him.

You.

He couldn't tell her that, no matter how much he wanted to. The uncontrollable attraction he'd had for her that summer came back full force, and he wondered what sort of spell she put on him. He felt tongue-tied, unable to answer, as he thought about the feel of his hands on her heated flesh. He wanted to see those blue eyes darken with desire again. What would she say if she knew his thoughts? Would she remind him of his own reservations last night?

She turned and glanced at him over her shoulder before turning her attention back to the horse. “You okay?”

“Fine.”

What was wrong with him? Where was the confident ladies' man who left New York? Where was the man who had no trouble delivering crushing blows to millionaires during takeovers or flattering supermodels with half-hearted pickup lines? It was simple; he wanted her. Not just physically but emotionally. He wanted to be the man she turned to for help and the one she clung to in passion. He'd been a fool to give her up. Or to push her away again last night. He needed to talk with Justin, to clear up the past before he could move forward with Jessie, but he couldn't let her go again.

She rubbed a hand over the gelding's face, taking a few steps forward and letting the animal follow her. “You know, if you're bored, Aleta can show you where to find the grooming equipment.” He saw a playful smile curve her lips. “Or you could clean stalls.”

White-hot yearning shot straight through him, making the miserable jeans even more uncomfortable. He had it bad if a simple smile could cause this sort of reaction in him.

His mouth moved without permission from his brain. “Jess, there is nothing boring about watching you work.”

Her eyes immediately grew serious and she stumbled to a stop. The gelding bumped into the back of her, knocking her forward a few more steps. She righted herself and licked her lips, staring at him as if trying to read the intention behind his words. She raised a hand to the gelding's nose.

“You're dangerous to my concentration,” she murmured. The gelding chose that exact moment to nip at her hand, and she flicked his lip with her fingers. “No.” The horse jerked his head up as if shocked by her audacity, but immediately hung his head again.

Her concentration seemed fine, and he wondered if it wasn't the current between them leaving her unnerved. “I'll make you a deal: You finish up here, and then I'll do whatever you want me to.”

His comment seemed to strike lightning between them, as he left the innuendo hanging in the air. He'd seen it in her eyes, but after last night, he wondered if he wasn't tempting fate too much. He couldn't settle for one kiss. He was learning quickly that with Jessie, it was all or nothing.

Her eyes sparked with suspicion. “I thought you said that was a bad idea.”

“I said it could get complicated.”

“What about my brother?”

“I'm caring less about what he might think every minute.” Justin would just have to get past it.

She turned away from him and ran a hand over the gelding's shoulder and down his leg before picking up his foot and patting the bottom of his hoof. He wondered if she was really working the horse or trying to avoid looking at him.

“Besides, I could probably take him after a beer and a bourbon.” Her head jerked up, and he winked at her, smiling as he crossed his arms over the rail of the corral. “Isn't that how cowboys do it? With liquid courage?”

“I'm not sure what to make of you anymore,” Jessie admitted as she stood, laying a hand on the gelding's back. “One minute, you're exactly what I expect: a straight-laced, suit-wearing banker—”

“Financial analyst,” he corrected.

“Whatever.” She pulled a rope halter from over her shoulder and slipped it over the gelding's head. “And then you do something that surprises me. I'm not surprised often.”

He was taken aback by her admission. “I believe that. I get the feeling you tend to enjoy being the one
doing
the surprising, don't you, Jess?”

She smiled coyly. “Maybe.”

“And you don't like that you can't figure out my intentions, do you?”

The smile slipped from her lips, and he saw her brows take a downward plunge as she turned her attention back to the horse. “What makes you think I can't figure you out? Maybe I just don't see the point in bothering.”

He arched a brow. “Really?” Her armor was back and he wasn't sure what he'd said to raise it again.

Jessie shrugged, barely glancing at him. “Let's face facts, Nathan. You're leaving in a few days, and as much as I appreciate your help, it's pretty unlikely we'll hear from you again.”

“Is that the kind of man you think I am?” He shook his head sadly.

She met his gaze, her blue eyes remorseful. “History tends to speak loudly. I'm not interested in repeating it.”

He'd thought Bailey wielded the truth brutally. She didn't hold a candle to Jessie. Her softly spoken words felt like a knife plunged into his heart. Proving himself was going to be harder than he'd thought it would be.

“And here I thought you could read people the way you do horses. Jess, you're so busy trying to stay a few steps ahead of everyone so that you don't get hurt, you've never looked up long enough to see you're alone.”

She grasped the lead rope under the horse's chin, but he saw her pinch her lips together tightly. She narrowed her eyes, and he saw the anger in them flicker to life. He might have pegged her, but in doing so, he may have ruined any chance he had at getting through to her.

“I guess it's just something we have in common then, isn't it, Wall Street? Those in glass houses should be careful about throwing stones. I don't see a wedding ring on your hand or you calling your family each evening. At least I have people I know I can turn to. Who do you have?”

She turned the gelding toward the gate and walked him to the barn as he watched her go. She was a tempest of emotion—playful one moment, turning dangerous without warning. He knew it, yet he'd stoked her ire anyway when what he'd really wanted was to take her in his arms and kiss her again, to feel his hands on her skin, and feel her hands on him. He'd wanted to explore the connection between them, to see if she didn't still feel the same way she once had. Instead, he'd managed to push her away and, in the process, accused her of doing the same thing.

Way to go, you idiot. Now you've managed to piss of two Hart women in a span of half an hour.

J
ESSIE LED THE
gelding into his stall, trying not to dwell on Nathan or his insult. She needed to stay focused on this particular horse. Jet was doing remarkably well in spite of still being a bit nippy, which she expected; however, she still didn't trust him enough to let anyone else work with him. She threw him a flake of hay and turned both mares out into the small pasture behind the barn so she could clean their stalls.

How dare he! How dare he accuse
me
of not letting people in?

She'd let him in once, like she'd never let anyone in before, and it ended in heartbreak. In a way, she was grateful for what he'd done. He'd taught her early never to completely trust anyone, never to give herself completely again. She might be alone, she might bear scars, but she was whole.

She paused the in the aisle of the barn. Why was she even angry? She knew she let people close, the ones she knew she could count on. She trusted her family with her life.

Then why haven't you told them your dream for the ranch?

Because she didn't want to open herself up to rejection again. She didn't want her dreams to be shot down without giving them a chance. She didn't want them to see her as a lost cause and abandon her.

She'd learned from an early age that people came and went in her life with regularity, like the guests who came to the ranch and stayed for a few weeks before returning to their lives. Relationships were great while they lasted, but the problem was that they
never
lasted. And once they were off the ranch, you were forgotten. Nathan had been the last and most painful. He'd promised her they would be together, told her he loved her, and then disappeared, taking her heart with him. Then her parents were gone as well.

She could empathize with Aleta and Michael, which was part of why she'd opened her home to them any time they wanted to come to a place where there was a semblance of permanence and acceptance. She wanted to offer them a place where they knew someone would always remember them and be excited to see them. Just because she didn't expect that same for herself didn't stop her from longing for it, or for someone who would see the woman behind the mask of courage she wore. Someone who wouldn't forget her. Someone who wouldn't leave her behind. Just like the kids and her horses, she was tired of being overlooked, cast aside, and left alone.

Jessie tossed two bags of pine shavings into the wheelbarrow and rolled them to the first stall, dropping them off at the doors. Grabbing the rake, she went inside, grateful for the physical labor that required nothing from her mentally. She scooped up the manure, dropping it into the wheelbarrow with a satisfying thud. She'd just started the second stall when she heard footsteps on the cement floor in the aisle way. The tiny hairs on the back of her neck lifted, and she could feel his presence like electricity in the air. She knew without looking that Nathan had followed her. She didn't want to be this sensitive to his nearness, didn't want to respond to him with a craving far stronger than she'd ever experienced before and doubted she ever would aside from him.

“Go away, Nathan.”

“I came to apologize, Jess. I shouldn't have said those things.”

She ignored the way her nickname slid easily from his lips and the way it made her heart trip over her ribs and start fluttering like a baby bird learning to take flight. She'd quit buying into romantic notions a long time ago, thanks to him. Now, if only she could convince her body to let them go. She set the rake against the wall and walked into the aisle way.

“It's Jessie. Jessie. We are
not
friends, remember?”

His green eyes flashed, the golden flecks lighting them from within, and she saw frustration in the set of his jaw. “No?”

“No. Let's keep our roles in perspective. You're the financial genius here to do a favor for my brother, and I'm just his idiot little sister who bought your load of crap years ago and can't manage to keep this ranch afloat now.”

His long strides ate the distance between them in seconds, but she stood her ground, staring up at him, daring him to argue. His lips were tight, set in a grim line and a deep crease lined his perfect brow. She wanted to back away, but years of working with her father wouldn't allow her to show any signs of intimidation.
Cowgirl up,
she recited the mantra in her head, although not nearly as confidently as she usually did.

“Don't do that,” he ordered, staring down into her eyes, his voice quiet but insistent.

She could feel the heat emanating from him as sparks of desires burst in her chest, sending shivers over her skin. She tried to control it, to stop herself from trembling at his nearness but she couldn't stop her breath from catching in her throat. “Don't do what?” Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

“Don't belittle yourself. You are far more than that. You've always been more than that to me.” His hands grasped her upper arms and he dipped his head toward her, his eyes never leaving hers. “You're a talented, kind, giving, passionate woman.”

It wasn't what Jessie expected. His words were a balm to her chapped and aching heart, exactly what she needed to hear, but she knew she couldn't let him break past her walls. Who knew what damage he could cause her heart when he left again. She'd barely managed to piece together the shards last time. She pressed her hands against his chest, intending to push him away from her, but he gently circled her wrists with his fingers. Their eyes locked and she refused to be the first to look away.

“Nathan.” She meant for it to be a warning but it came out sounding more like a plea.

“What, Jess?”

He placed his palms over the back of her hands and twined his fingers between hers. His touch made her weak, and she felt a wave of need break over her, threatening to drown her. She'd been so in love with him, and it had left a gaping hole in her, one she'd never managed to fill, not even with her work.

Nathan walked her backward until she felt the stall behind her. With the hard wall of his body pressing against the front of her, pinning their hands between them, there was nowhere for her to escape the explosion of yearning that began in the middle of her chest, spreading outward, heating her and leaving her breathless. Every inhalation filled her with the scent of his expensive cologne, reminding her again how out of place he was. He didn't belong here. But seeing the desire in his eyes, feeling it in every inch of him pressing up against her, made Jessie want to wrap her legs around his waist and let him take her right here in the barn.

She couldn't possibly feel this way about him again. She couldn't imagine feeling any other way about him. She needed this man. Not just wanted him,
needed
him, and that scared the crap out of her.

He was going to kiss her, and she was going to melt under his touch. There was no doubt in her mind. If that happened, she was a goner. Because, for her, this wasn't about sex; this was about how Nathan made her feel, how he'd always made her feel—understood and validated and worthy. The only other time Jessie felt that way was when she worked with her horses.

How had this man recognized the weakness in her, buried deeply, and unearthed it so easily? Panic set in. She had to protect herself. She couldn't let Nathan in, couldn't let him get close again. She shoved against his hands, using her body to knock him off balance, so he stepped backward, knocked against the handles of the wheelbarrow, and fell into the bucket.

“You can finish the stalls.”

She ran out of the barn, refusing to look back at the man trying to piece together a full sentence from where he landed, inside a wheelbarrow full of fresh horse manure.

N
ATHAN PRESSED HIS
hands into the wheelbarrow, trying to find his balance, and felt them sink into the foul muck his rear had sunken into. What in the hell was wrong with that woman?

She'd wanted him to kiss her. Almost as much as he wanted to do it. He'd seen it in her eyes, in the way she leaned into him. He'd felt it in the way her pulse raced against his fingertips at her wrist and the way her sweet breath fanned against his face when he dipped his mouth toward hers. The next thing he knew, he was butt-first in a pile of horseshit, and she was running for the house like she was on fire. He rocked himself forward, nearly toppling the wheelbarrow, and stood up just as Aleta came into the barn.

“What are you
doing
?” The girl's eyes were wide with shock as she covered her mouth with a hand. Her hand slid down slowly to reveal a broad smile. “Jess?”

Nathan flipped his hands, trying to shake the smelly mess from them, but only succeeded in getting the disgusting, wet filth on his face and shirt. “How'd you guess?”

“What'd you do?”

He quirked a brow in disbelief. “What makes you think I did anything?”

“Well, Justin was the last person she pushed into a manure pile, the first time he suggested calling you. He didn't see it coming either.” She giggled at the memory. “Trust me, you got the better deal. He ended up face first.”

“Great.” He wiped his dirty hands down the side of his new jeans and looked around, wondering where he was going to clean up. It would serve Jess right if he used her washer since the irrational woman had caused the damage.

“I'll finish up in here. Go, shower and clean up before dinner because Jess will kill you if you come to the table like that.”

“Thanks. It's Aleta, right?”

She slid the stall doors closed and reached for the handles of the wheelbarrow. “That's me. June is in the house, and she can show you where to wash those and take a shower, since you can't wash them in the cabin.” She stopped in front of him. “And, trust me, you do not want to track that into the cabin or you'll have Bailey to worry about.”

“I'm not going into that house with—”

Aleta laughed, her brown eyes twinkling merrily. “Jess already left. Didn't you hear her peel out of here in the truck? Go, but you'd better hurry up before she gets back.”

If he was going to get his clothes cleaned and take a shower, this was his only chance because if Jess caught him in her house, she'd probably push him off the side of The Ridge.

J
ESSIE HAD READ
an article once about yogis who could stop their pulses just by thinking about it. Right now, she'd have given anything to be able to slow hers even slightly. She wanted to believe it was anger that fueled her racing heart, an adrenaline rush that had her blood pulsing almost painfully though her temples, but she knew better.

It was Nathan—the way he touched her. The way the flecks of gold in his eyes glowed like she'd ignited a fire in him. He certainly made parts of her burn and throb. He had a way of looking at her that made her feel like she was his next conquest. And, Lord help her, but a part of her wanted to be conquered by him, knowing she would enjoy every second of it. She wasn't even sure what was stopping her from saying yes.

That wasn't exactly true. She knew why she wasn't giving in to him—he scared her. More precisely, the way he made her feel, the way he made her hope, scared her. Nathan Kerrington dredged up images of long nights of lovemaking and mornings of waking in his arms. He made her fantasize about lazy summers, swimming holes, fairs and rodeos, date nights, and picnics in the park. All of those things were part of a serious, lasting relationship, which was something she'd never allowed herself to long for after he'd abandoned her.

She'd given Nathan everything she had to offer. Once he was gone, she devoted every waking moment to the ranch, throwing herself into work in order not to feel the emptiness in her chest or the hollow ache where her heat once beat. Everything she'd offered Nathan, she poured into Heart Fire and her horses. In spite of every effort, it still wasn't enough to keep it running smoothly in the black. She wasn't enough for either.

Nathan's words echoed through her mind:
talented . . . kind . . . giving . . . passionate.
Who was she kidding? Nathan didn't make her tingle because he wanted to
know
her. She'd turned her back on every one of the cowboys her parents introduced her to because their touch left her feeling frigid. How was it that a
financial analyst
could light up her body like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July? From the first time he brushed her hand, passing her in the barn, she'd felt tingles in her fingers. And that first kiss at the river so long ago—even then, she'd known there was dangerous tinder burning between them that was likely to blaze out of control.

She couldn't be in love with Nathan again. If she were to fall for someone, it had to be someone who loved Heart Fire as much as she did, someone who would share the load to make it great again, not some city boy playing cowboy for a week before heading back to New York, leaving her and her visions of a happily-ever-after ending behind. Not someone who would make her a quickly forgotten notch on his bedpost.

Happily-ever-after endings didn't exist in the real world. At least not for her. Hers was a life where things weren't always fair, parents went away and didn't come back, men who claimed to love you left and never called.

Damn Justin for asking him back here in the first place.

She pressed the button on her steering column to call her brother, intent on giving him a piece of her mind. Someone was going to take the brunt of her anger. It might as well be him. Nothing happened. She slid her hand into her purse, searching for her cell phone and realized, in her hurry to get away from Nathan, she'd left it at the house.

“Damn it!”

She seriously considered just continuing to the store without it, but inevitably, there would be an emergency. She wasn't so far from the house she couldn't turn around. She slowed the truck onto the shoulder of the road and flipped a U-turn, heading back home. Within a few minutes, she pulled up to the house and ran in the back door, looking in the kitchen for her phone near the key rack on the back wall. Not seeing it there, she headed for the stairs, assuming it must be in her room.