Hearts' Desires (21 page)

             
“I just wanted to say, I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to push you. We can take our time. All the time you need.”
             
“I made a mistake. That’s all.”

             
“A mistake?” he repeated.

             
“I drank too much. I know I shouldn’t do that, because I can’t handle it – but I did. Okay. It was my fault. Look, we are reasonable adults. We can look at things with sufficient em
o
tional distance. You just lost your wife, Vance.”
             

             
“I have lost Carolyn years ago! I just failed to realize it! And I’m not going to make the same mistake twice; not paying attention to what my heart says; what I want and what I don’t! Alison! I love you! And I know exactly what I’m saying!”

             
“Vance, don’t make a scene in front of everyone!” She turned away and marched off. Vance looked after her, while the pain in him slowly gave way to anger. He had struggled with this new a
p
proach the whole night long. He thought to
have reached a small space of firm ground amidst a stormy sea again – and just now, she kicked him back into the waves! Suddenly, he couldn’t stand it one more second!
             
Seeing him climbing in Max’ Rover, Jake hurried towards him.
             
“Vance? Hey, what’s up, where are you going?”

             
“Out!”
Vance slammed the door. “I need to get away for a few hours!”
             
“What happened, man? You’ll tell your old buddy Jake, hey?”
             
“I thought everything was perfect!” Vance answered after a moment, pushing both hands against the steering wheel in frustration. “Everything went fine! She said she loves me, Jake! And from one moment to the other –
woosh
! All gone! Now it was an error, a “mistake”! Sorry I made you believe you meant something to me! Shit happens!”
             
“She’s a tough woman,” Jake tried
to mitigate. “Maybe she needs…”
             
“Whatever she needs; it is obviously NOT me! Perhaps she’s right indeed; maybe I am only looking for atonement for my failure with Carolyn!” He turned the key.
             
“Wait! Vance! When will you come back? What shall I tell Al
i
son?”
             
“I don’t give a damn!”Vance drove out of the yard at top speed.
             
Jake sighed and shook his head. Life was an unfair old bitch!
Alison observed the work of her assistant. Nora Mendez did ce
r
tainly a good job directing the scene with some extras as farm workers and Thabo. The crew worked as efficient as usual.

             
Nonetheless, Alison shouted at one point: “This was tota
l
ly amateurish! Repeat that! Yes!
You two, why are you stan
d
ing around like two poles?
What are we paying you for?! … Calvin, what do you think you’re doing with that spotlight?! It’s sensitive equipment!”
             
“Sorry, Alison, just tried to compensate for the-“

             
“Just be careful with it!” She still shouted, and Max shot a worried look in her direction. He had known her for some years, had seen her in different demanding situations. But he had never seen her like that. She acted like a volcano ready to erupt, and she gave off negative energy in almost visible waves. The dream-evening Vance had prepared had obviou
s
ly turned out to be a nightmare! And he had lent him his Rover for an ‘urgent matter’… Max felt a knot forming inside his st
o
mach.
             
Nora looked devastated. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice sha
k
ing, close to tears seeing Alison’s obvious anger. “I will repeat the scene, of course.”
             
Now Alison waved her off apologetically and shook her head. “I am sorry for interrupting. I have… I am…” She sighed. “There was no reason for it. Please… continue!”
             
While the crew and actors took up their work again and some curious looks drifted in Allison’s direction, she scanned the area searching for Vance. He was nowhere to be seen. None of his scenes were on the schedule today, but he had been around on the set even when it wasn’t his turn. ‘To make sure my work matches with the other’s performances’, as he had said; or just to learn or give others some advice. In any case, it was unusual for him not to be here! Alison didn’t know if she should be grateful for that or not. For a moment, there was relief, but the next second, she felt even more tortured not to see him… The door to the past just wouldn’t stay closed!
             
With a little clanking noise, the sunglasses, she had
turned over and over in her hands, broke apart. Alison sighed and more desperate anger spread in her. This scene, these extras, EVERYTHING was full of flaws; she could not see a
n
ything else. Including
herself
! She pressed her lips together and fought against a nearly overwhelming urge to cry. The next takes of the scene just swooshed past her. She did not pay attention. She already had a hard time staying calm!

It was hot in the blazing midday sun. However, Vance drove so fast – way over the speed limit – that he didn’t notice it. The road was empty.
One lonely grey-black band of asphalt.
He sped on. Alison’s face accompanied him.
And her scent, her voice – everything…
But no - he was mad at her now, and even more at himself for having fallen for her. There were d
o
zens of women in Hollywood, weren’t there?! And plenty of them would be more than happy to land in his bed – be it b
e
cause of money, fame, or his rugged good looks! But no, he had to pick this ‘Iceberg’! Vance squinted. The asphalt was spiraling in front of him.
             
Shit! A car horn blared! Vance reacted just fast enough to avoid the approaching car. However, the abrupt
movement made the Rover spin
out. He lost control completely and landed on the bushes growing in the ditch. The sudden burst of Adrenalin catapulted him into a hyper-awake state. He trembled all over, gasped for air and felt very sick.
             
What were you thinking?
he
wondered while finally lea
n
ing back into the seat.
Killing
yourself
?!

             
He checked the damage to the car and discovered one wheel was stuck in the mud, still soft from the last heavy rain. Normally, this ditch would not have posed a problem for a 4x4. Nonetheless, the angle of the car and the tight space of the ditch foiled Vance’s attempts to get back on the asphalt. He climbed up to the road, hoping for a passing car he could
wave down. But he had chosen a desolate road in the middle of nowhere for his escape. It took a while before another car showed up – and despite his shouting and waving, it did not stop. Probably tourists who had been warned not to stop for anyone in case it was a trap for a nice little hold up!

             
Frustrated, Vance sat down. He was getting hungry, and the half empty bottle of warm water he had found below the driver’s seat was not enough to ease his thirst. Moreover, he hadn’t taken any cigarettes with him!

             
Now that’s really a bad sign,
he mocked himself,
so pissed off, you forget your
smokes
!
He fought against the i
m
age of Alison in his mind with growing annoyance. Unfort
u
nately there was nothing to distract him, only some springboks in the distance; clear chiseled shapes against the sun. Su
d
denly, he wished to be back in L.A., at rush hour time, or in Vegas, surrounded by people, noise, music and colors co
m
peting for his attention! But here, he was alone with his r
e
grets and anger…
He had thought about starting all over and doing everything right this time. But well, you just can’t reboot life with a happiness patch! Who had said that? He didn’t r
e
member anymore. And it didn’t matter. It was just true.

             
Now even the springboks had gone! Not even a gra
s
shopper or a
flie
was there to provide some distraction –
even
nature seemed to
conspire
against him!
The others would be worried by now. He pretended not to care if Alison was mad –
but the rest of their crew…
A guilty conscience began to a
n
noy him on top of all.

When the filming was done and the crew gathered in the c
a
tering tent, Alison stayed by the camera equipment and checked the fi
l
ters. It was not necessary; she really waited there because she wanted to see Vance showing up, even if she never would have admitted that. However, he was n
o
where to be seen, and the longer Alison stayed there, the more she forgot her pretend-checking and openly observed the path from the bungalows to the catering tables and back again. No sign of Vance. She didn’t exactly know how she would react IF he showed up. But that question slowly began to lose importance in comparison to her rising worries.
             
“Alison? Don’t you want to eat something?”
             
Max. Heavens, why did everyone constantly have to fuss over her?! She wanted to be left alone! Carefully, she set her mind before she turned around. “I don’t feel very well.
Pe
r
haps a little ind
i
gestion, nothing serious, Max.”
             
He did not look very convinced. Alison threw all her wil
l
power in a little smile.
“Nothing to worry about.”
Then she stepped away from the camera crane towards the bungalows.
             
“Ally, if—“
             
Her strength was not sufficient. “Max, you’re not my f
a
ther!” she hissed forestalling any other comment and walked faster. U
n
der no circumstances did she want him to ask about last night! She felt exposed enough. Who besides Max knew about this? Jake
Bertoni
for sure, he was Vance’s closest friend… Gossip traveled very fast; she would bet the
whole crew knew about it by now
. She was a laughing stock, for sure! A disaster! And where was Vance? She closed the door of her bungalow and turned the key twice, resolved not to open for anyone.
 

Eventually, a bucket of bolts truck appeared on Vance’s lonely road, struggling along rattling and huffing. The driver, a c
o
lored guy in blue coveralls, stopped when he saw him and jumped out.

             
“Hey, what happened? Are you injured?”

             
“No. I was watching some animals and didn’t pay atte
n
tion to the road.”

             
“Yes…yes…yes.” The man muttered something about ‘stupid tourists’, while he searched for a rope. Thankfully, he had all sorts of useful stuff on the bed of his truck. They a
t
tached the rope to the Rover’s grill and the trailer hitch of the truck, and Vance was filled in on the latest mishaps and joys of his helper’s life. He had lost his job recently; his gran
d
daughter turned 6 today… Vance was not in the mood to li
s
ten to other people’s problems. And the damned car just did not want to move, despite all the shoving and pulling until his body was covered in sweat, and his shoes and pants soaked with mud. At least, he had found a way to work off his anger!

             
“Don’t you want to move, you damned piece of junk?! – Just move a BIT!
A tiny, little bit UP!”
Vance hadn’t realized he was growling in his native tongue Afrikaans.

             
Only when the truck driver addressed him with a su
r
prised “Hey, you’re from around here?!” he looked up from behind the car.

             
“Yes. No… not exactly.” Being reminded o
f this other pe
r
sonal raw point
he slipped a bit further down in into his moody pit. “I’m Canadian. – Just pull again! We have to get this thing moving!”

             
Again, the engine of the poor truck howled. Vance g
a
thered his resentments against his parents, his agent, Alison and ever
y
thing else that was not right with his life, and put his last bit of energy into the task. Right when he was ready to give up, the Ro
v
er finally moved. Then it sat back on the road and seemed to grin into the two men’s faces.