Heart's Reflection (6 page)

Our
hands—his left and my right—rested side-by-side on the blanket and
I longed to twine my fingers with his. What would happen if I reached over and
just ran an index finger over his? What if I let my finger drift up his arm?
What if I brought my touch to his face?

"This is a
strange night," Keagan said, breaking into my thoughts. "Starting
with my parents. That was just surreal."

"I've known
you and Liam for so many years and I've always wanted to know something. Why do
your parents act the way they do towards you?"

Keagan stared down
into his lap.

The longer the
time between my question and an answer, the more uncomfortable I became.
Obviously, the topic hurt him. "You don't have to—" I started.

"They hate
me," he blurted out. "They hate me because...I killed my
sister."

"What?
No," I objected. Keagan might have done a lot of bad things but they'd
been in the category of naughty. I knew he couldn't be so evil. "I don't
believe you did any such thing."

"It's
true."

"Prove it to
me. What happened?" I demanded.

"My mother
was six months pregnant..." He struggled out the words and choked on the
last one.

I touched his hand
now, tangling my fingers with his until he could continue.

"The baby was
a girl. They knew because of one of those ultrasound tests." The words
were tumbling out now so fast they were like a runaway train. "One day I
left a toy truck on the stairs and mom fell over it. She went into premature
labor and the baby died."

The train crashed
and left silence.

"How old were
you?" I asked after a few moments. "You must've been young."

"Four,"
he said.

"What? Then
it definitely wasn't your fault." I squeezed his hand.

"Yes it was.
They'd told me before to pick up my toys and I didn't do it."

"No." I
reached up with my other hand to cup his face with my palm. Staring into his
eyes, I tried to convince him. The blanket fell away with my movement and I
didn't care. "Anyway, how do you know it wasn't Liam who left the truck?
He was four too. I bet you two shared the toys."

"I never
thought...They just always said it was me."

"Kids that
young leave stuff around the house. You weren't to blame and neither was Liam.
It was just an accident. You shouldn't blame yourself for that."

"Well you
blame yourself for your parents. I've heard you say so. But you never say
why."

My hand dropped
from his face. "That's different. I just...I just..." I tried to turn
away from him but Keagan took me by the shoulders.

"What?"
he asked.

"I should
have kept them from going out the night of the accident and I didn't," I
finally admitted.

"You're more
ridiculous than me." He gave me a little shake. "How could you know
something would happen that night?"

"What if I
did know?"

"You mean
like a premonition?" With a touch to my chin, he brought my face around
and our eyes met. "That's not possible."

"But assume I
did have a vision. Assume I saw what was going to happen."

"You still
wouldn't be to blame. You were a kid. What were you? Five? You couldn't stop
them."

I tried to look
down but the lock he had on my eyes wouldn't let go.

"I'm not
buying that you were to blame," he whispered. "You're too
compassionate and loving. You would never let someone you loved get hurt if you
could stop it."

"I told them.
But they didn't believe me. Then the accident happened."

"See. I was
right," he said. "You told them about your vision. You did what you
could. You were too young."

"A year older
than you when your mom had her accident."

He seemed to
consider this for a few seconds as the ocean lapped one, two, three, four times
against the shore.

"We were both
too young to be to blame," he finally pronounced. Keagan took my face
between his palms and planted a light kiss on my lips. That kiss was like an
absolution. A kiss that was a balm that seemed to, if not heal, at least start
a scab over the wound of my guilt.

"Neither of
us has anything to feel guilty about," he insisted. "I won't feel
guilty any more if you won't. Agreed?"

"Agreed,"
I replied.

He smiled and then
leaned in for another quick kiss. But this time when our lips touched, mine
moved under his. Instead of pulling quickly away as before, his lips lingered,
soft and tentative. Leaning up and forward, I moved onto his lap. His arms
wrapped around me, clutching me to him as I deepened the kiss, putting my own
arms around his neck. One hand went to his nape while the other sifted through
his hair. Then our mouths were moving, each on the others', searching and
devouring. The kiss included a generous amount of tongue. So much tongue I
couldn't tell were his ended and mine began.

This kiss wasn't
absolution. This kiss was sin. But right now I didn't care. I gloried in it. No
more Goody for me.

Keagan was the
first one to pull away, pushing me back. "Stop," he said, lifting me
off his body and placing me back on the blanket. "If we don't stop now, I
won't be able to."

"I don't
understand. Did I do something wrong?" My question couldn't hide my
burgeoning humiliation.

"Jeese, no.
You did everything right." He framed my face with his hands, caressing my
cheekbone with his thumb. "Too right. It's getting dangerous. You must
know what I mean."

"But I
thought that was what you wanted?"

"Yeah. Me
too," he mumbled, releasing me and sitting back. "But it's going too
fast. Too fast for you. This is your first time, right?"

"But I want
you to do it," I said and was surprised to realize I meant what I'd said.

My mind raced. How
could I want to have sex with Keagan but not with Liam? Liam was the brother I
was in love with, wasn't he? I was just doing this for him, wasn't I?

"Okay, but
let's take it slow." Keagan reached for our fallen blanket/shawl. "Let's
just lie here a while and talk."

As he wrapped us
in the blanket, his arm went around my shoulder. A little scooching and we were
prone, me with my cheek against his chest and the sound of his heart in my ear.
He began rambling on about his new science teacher and how his idea of teaching
was a surprise pop quiz every day.

"Not quite a
surprise," Keagan joked and the rumble of his laugh vibrated against my
face, making me want to kiss his chest. I restrained myself. "My math
teacher is even more lame," he said. "He has to make everything into
a story problem. Sometimes I'd like x just to be an x without representing the
quantity of farm animals or tinker toys. What the hell is a tinker toy anyway?
Couldn't he at least choose something cool like iPads or cars?"

The next thing I
knew, my eyes were fluttering open. I had only a second to realize I'd just
woken from sleep, when a vision hit me with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. An
old man, gray and wrinkled but with a full head of hair, was walking next to an
old woman in a park under bright sunshine. He smiled down at his companion, but
then his smile turned to a grimace and he reached up a hand to his chest. He
was having a heart attack. The woman cried out when he fell to one knee. As he
clutched at the fabric of his shirt, I saw the tattoo around his wrist.

Keagan. I was
seeing a new death for Keagan.

I came to myself
still lying against his chest, with one hand to my head.

"Are you
okay?" he asked.

Removing my hand,
I glanced up and saw him staring down at me with worried eyes. "Yes. It's
just a headache," I answered.

As the pain in my
head quickly subsided, I realized something that made a grin almost break my
lips with its width.

"What?"
Keagan said, giving me a little shake. "Why are you smiling like
that?"

How could I tell
him that I'd somehow changed his fated death? Or if not me, something we'd done
had made the change, setting him on a new path. He'd live a full life and die
an old man. That meant Liam's fated death could have changed too. But had it?

Overhead, the moon
had shifted so far in the sky it must be at least two a.m.

"Omigod,"
I said, jerking to a sitting position. "Gran will be frantic."

Keagan sat up too
and then jumped to his feet. "Let's get you home."

He rose and began
to gather the blanket from beneath us, shaking out the sand. Folding our shawl
blanket as he did this, I began to worry. What about our bargain? Keagan's fate
had changed but I still had to keep one of them from that football stadium
tomorrow, er, tonight.

"Are we still
on for another date later?" I asked as he handed me my shoes.

At my question, he
smiled. Pulling me to him, he gently kissed me. "Definitely."

"Instead of
the game?" I had to nail this down. "Even though..."

"Even though
what?" he said with lips quirking.

"You said I
had to sleep with you...and we didn't...you know."

"You did
sleep with me. We woke up together just a few minutes ago. Don't you
remember?"

"But—"

"Shhhh."
He placed a finger to my lips to stop my words. "I don't want your first
time to be like that. With me forcing you into something."

"You aren't
forcing me. Don't you remember what I told your parents? Should be memorable
since your dad's getting a retaining wall out of it." I joked.

"I remember
every word," he said in utter seriousness. "But even if it isn't
force, I don't want you to be with me as some kinda deal or bargain either.
Let's just take it slow. Although it might kill me, I want to wait. I've waited
a long time for you to be with me. I can wait until you're ready to go further.
Now that I know we have a future, I can do anything."

Oh Lord. I'd let
him think we were a couple.

Strange, but the
idea of the two of us didn't freak me out. In fact, happiness blossomed inside
me like a flower unfolding. Was I in love with Keagan and not Liam? Yes, I
admitted to myself. How horrible was that? Was I an evil person for switching
so quickly from one brother to the other? Then I acknowledged it hadn't been
quick. I'd always been fighting an attraction to Keagan, but I'd been afraid.
There had been safety with Liam where not a bit existed in Keagan. My heart,
soul and entire being lay in jeopardy with him.

"But you're
my girl now, right?" he asked.

"Are you sure
that's what you want? All those other girls—"

"Those other
girls...none of them were you. I tried to make them sub for you but they
couldn't."

"Then this
isn't just because you want to stick it to Liam?" I asked, happy but
continuing my wander into uncharted, scary territory.

"No. I want
to stick it to you, not my brother." He laughed. "I don't hate my
brother. Liam isn't the problem. It was just that he had everything I wanted.
I'd almost gotten used to the difference between how my parents treated me and
how they treated Liam. I coulda lived with it, but then you came along. You
were a little girl of ten with hair the color of wheat and the most amazing
hazel eyes. And you went straight for Liam. You barely had anything to do with
me."

"I'm sorry.
I'd just lost my parents and went to live with Gran. I blamed myself for my
parents' death. I couldn't cope with anything frightening. I wanted a restful
place to heal."

"And Liam is
'restful'?"

"Well, you
have to admit you aren't restful, peaceful, or safe. Whatever synonym you want.
You aren't any of those things. You are dangerous and exciting. Not what a
frightened ten year old could cope with."

"Sexy?"

"Yeah, that
too."

That statement
earned me another kiss. Then another and another after that.

Chapter Five

Away from the
coast, a fog enveloped the car as Keagan drove us back into town. But the white
wisps seemed like a haze of happiness to me. We held hands over the parking
brake and couldn't stop smiling at each other. No realities were permitted to
get through the haze and reach me until we entered downtown. Then all of the
problems I'd been trying to ignore drifted back into my thoughts one by one.

Gran would be
worried and angry—if she hadn't fallen asleep. On the off chance she had,
I didn't try her on my cell phone. Slipping in without her ever knowing how
late I'd been out was still a possibility. I didn't even remember I'd turned my
phone off until we pulled up in front of my house.

"How are you
getting home?" I said as he parked. "We should have stopped at your
house first."

"No." He
shook his head and squeezed my hand. "I didn't want you driving alone in
this fog. I'll walk home."

"That's
crazy," I said. "Take my car. You can pick me up in the
morning."

He grinned, before
pressing a soft kiss on my lips. "Perfect."

After I
reluctantly withdrew my hand from his, I opened the door but hesitated about
getting out.

"What is
it?"

I'd spotted a
light inside the house. "Gran's up. She's gonna be pissed after she gets
over being scared. And that will be about two seconds after I walk through the
door."

"Do you want
me to come in and explain?"

"No," I
answered. "I can handle it."

After jumping out,
I pushed the car door closed behind me and then ran up the walk and onto the
front porch. With a little wave to Keagan, who was still watching me from the
car, I opened the front door and walked in.

Harry trotted up
to me with his tail wagging.

"Where have
you been?" Gran shouted.

Harry cringed as
if whipped and scuttled away, back in the direction of the living room. If only
I could get away so easily.