Hearts Under Fire (15 page)

“Keep going, soldier.”

“There was nothing around.” Clark’s eyebrows went up and down, and his voice was steady despite the flow of salt water that left tracks on his temples. “Nothing but us and a hostile population we were tasked to make as friendly as possible. We worked. We obeyed. We supported and served.

“And then one night I was off and ended up in our bad excuse of a rec hall. A bigger tent with a ping pong table and shit like that. I was alone with my feet on a broken chair and a mental game of solitaire going on in my head. And in walks Patterson. He...” Clark shifted, voice dropping. “He asked how I was doing. He asked if we were alone. I said, ‘Fine’ and ‘You see anybody else here but our sorry asses?’

“Patterson said, ‘Good,’ walked over, grabbed my chin, and kissed me.” Clark’s face twisted into a smirk, and a fresh wave of tears spilled. “I nearly killed the fucker. I was out of my seat, wanting to yell at him but trying to keep it down, calling him every name in the goddamned book and shaking him ‘til his teeth rattled.” Clark blew out a harsh exhale.

“And when I was through, Brian said, ‘You done?’ And I just fucking looked at him. I mean... you didn’t
do
that. And I couldn’t imagine being so... insane. To just... kiss another guy in...” Clark shook his head. “It was nuts. But when I didn’t answer...” Clark’s chin trembled. “Brian said, ‘Will you let me do it again?’

“’You want to?’ I asked. I remembered being shocked stupid. ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Been wanting to.’”

Clark paused and breathed hard. Daniel stroked Clark’s cheek, his hand touching the tears, and he was reminded of his own from earlier. “Clark...” he said softly, letting anguish into his voice. “Please... go on.”

Nodding, Clark gripped Daniel’s upper arm. He didn’t open his eyes, but his voice was steadier when he spoke. “I told him he was crazy. That doing anything like this was a death sentence. We could be... at the very least dishonorably discharged, and at the worst killed.” Clark bared his teeth in a mockery of a grin, and his eyes opened. “I think I talked about Brian and death at length. And then... then he said...” Clark made a horrible noise, like he screamed from his gut and managed to catch it in his throat. “He said he loved me... of all the crazy, fucking things, love? I wanted to kill him and...”

Daniel couldn’t help himself; he wrapped his arms around Clark, who turned a fraction toward him. “I told him he was insane.” Clark’s voice was fast and high. “And he said he was. But that he had a pass secured for the next weekend, and that he knew I could work one to match. He told me where he’d be, and that he wanted to see me. That nothing had to happen. He just wanted to get to know me. He said...”

Clark’s voice broke, and he writhed on the bed. “’Please,’” Clark gasped. “He said, ‘Please.’”

Daniel cried against Clark’s chest, holding on to Clark.

“So I went,” Clark rasped, breath coming in wheezes and harsh drags. “It was a bad hotel, god-awful. But somewhere off the map and nobody would look. It was a risk, and I didn’t give a shit. Because he was beautiful. And funny. And kind. And a damned fine soldier. He had... dark hair... and...” Clark shook. “At first it was nothing -- just us in this room, staring at each other.” He stopped, flailed with one arm, and Daniel held him harder. It was as though the very air leached mental poisons with each brutal cut Clark made through the skin of secret, festering memory.

“He asked to kiss me again,” Clark continued, voice wavering before solidifying. “We did. He asked if he could touch me. He asked every time he wanted something, and I felt like I was falling. And then I told him what I wanted to do, and he told me to get on my knees to do it. And I did. And he asked if he could undress me and bind my hands. He used his belt. I was so... nearly came just... and he loved it. Told me he knew when he saw me that I was special, and that he wanted me and all these things like out of some goddamned romance novel, and I laughed until he kissed me. And... and... it was...”

Clark’s hands came up. He dug the heels into his eyes, pressing hard into his skull. He sobbed, his body rolling with the force of it. “I wanted to do anything to make him happy.

“And oh, fuck, the things we did,” Clark said as he inhaled. His voice was manic, desperate. “I knew I liked bondage and bullshit. And before we even got to fuck, my ass was red... he used my own belt to...” Clark shivered. “And my jaw ached, and I was seven levels of submissive. And it was...”

Clark’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Fucking amazing. He asked me all these questions, and there were no safewords or anything that I know now. Just us working it out, and there was no question who was taking what. Oh God... I can... I wanted...” Clark shuddered and tried to fight his way out of Daniel’s embrace until he caught himself and went still.

Softly, Daniel asked, “What did you want?”

“To... I...” Clark struggled. “I didn’t want to be able to move, and I wanted it rough, and we argued.” Clark laughed, a shocked, wheezing sound. “Fought around the room and knocked over a nightstand. For no reason. And then he used both our belts and cinched my arms to my legs and...” Clark shook his head. “When it was over, it was morning. He... held me. And wiped down the shower before he helped me into it. And he said all those things again. Said I was...” Clark just sighed, tears streaming, voice thick. “Perfect. And he asked to do it again. And he said, ‘Please.’”

Clark stopped talking, his body tensed, and he whispered, “Fuck... fuck, Daniel... fuck... I’m not going to survive this. I’m going to tell you, you’re going to hear and then
know
, and then I’ll vanish off the face of the fucking earth. It hurts.” Clark sucked wind through clenched teeth. “Too much... and it’s so
old.
No one knows
.
No one. But I want to let it go... just...” Clark shook his head. “Just let it... go.”

“I’ll hang onto you, make sure you stay with me, Clark, especially because I know.” Daniel said, arms aching as he clung. “We need to finish so you can let it go.” Daniel didn’t want to see Clark in pain, but he knew to help Clark, he had to understand it all.

“And then the next day...” Daniel prompted.

Incredibly, Clark smiled. “The next day we slept. And ate. And it was sweet. Then it was back to base, and when we got there the morning of April thirtieth, Morrell said that we were to go spend some quality time with the natives. Had fancy terms for it, but it was morale boosting and infiltrating and sometimes an excuse. Morrell, Patterson, Auswise and I all left at lunch to go to some place Brian knew. It was in a cleared area that was supposed to be safe. It didn’t... we couldn’t...”

Clark threw one arm over his eyes. The other landed with a dull thud on the bed, limp and lifeless. “Brian brushed up against me. Smiled. And I knew I loved him.” Clark’s voice was matter-of-fact. “The suicide bomber made it to the restaurant door. The blast killed Morrell and Auswise immediately. Along with fifteen civilians. I came to with a hole in my head where my left eye was, broken ribs and collar bone, and my right arm was snapped backward. Debris was everywhere.”

Clark’s voice grew gravelly and low. “I couldn’t hear or see well. And when I turned my head, I saw Brian with his guts on the outside. He blinked, reached for me, and died. I screamed so much I couldn’t speak for a week. And when my throat healed, I didn’t talk for two more weeks while I tried to climb out of hell and get back to earth. They got me a new eye, got me experimental surgery to make me see again. But I needed a new...” Clark coughed a rough chuckle. “Everything.”

Clark stopped, and he choked on a yell that was half pain and half surprise. Sobs tore through him like shockwaves, and Daniel wondered if he would fly apart. Daniel wrapped himself about Clark and let him feel it all, let him cry, let him hurt. Daniel felt as if he was holding someone he’d just beaten bloody raw and facing the fact that it still might not be enough.

Clark jerked and struggled, fighting Daniel and straining. Daniel moved with him, and then Clark stilled as he seemed to remembered where he was. Who he was with.

“Daniel...” Clark said, voice small and thick. He turned, looking like he’d never seen Daniel before.

“Right here, Clark,” Daniel said, using his entire body to cradle the other man, hands roaming over the racked figure. He was still crying and didn’t bother hiding it. “I’ve got you,” he whispered into the rough hair. “I’ve got you.”

***

Clark gasped at the words that echoed in both past and present and let himself sink into Daniel’s embrace. He lost track of his body, the room, and time. Talking about Brian and confessing so much felt like removing old, rusted daggers from his insides. Each removal was a relief, but each ached and left him bleeding.

After long moments, the tears stopped and dry sobs made Clark shake. He didn’t fight them, didn’t have the strength, and he let Daniel hold him together. Finally Clark could breathe, and it didn’t burn. He sighed, trembled, and the tension drained out of every muscle. Slowly, he came back to himself, opening his eyes and blinking. Clark had no idea how much time had passed; it felt like several forevers. With a soft sigh, he gently rubbed Daniel’s back.

Daniel: the professor’s smell, warmth, touch, and steady heartbeat. Clark drowned in the other man and felt gratitude strong enough to make him ashamed. Fear began to ice his insides as he waited for Daniel to condemn him for something, anything.

Daniel relaxed and gave him another squeeze before using one hand to wipe away tears. “Thank you,” Daniel whispered. “I think I needed to know all of that.”

Clark frowned. His face was a mess, and seeing that Daniel wasn’t much better, he rolled away to grab a box of tissues from the nightstand. It gave him something to do as he tried not to faint in the aftermath of confession and tentative relief. Clark returned with the box and unceremoniously blew his nose and wiped off his face.

“You deserve to know,” Clark said. He felt numb and exhausted, but also strangely clear-headed and lighter.

Daniel grabbed a tissue and cleaned up, too, before settling against Clark. Rolling onto his side to face Daniel, Clark threw a leg over the other man’s hip and pulled them close, almost nose-to-nose. Clark kept his eyes lowered and spoke what was on his mind without bothering to check it through any filters. He was simply too tired, and this was Daniel: the first man to make him tell Brian’s story, and the first man who needed to know it. The telling opened doors and made walking through them easier, and Clark was eager for easy when everything else felt so damned hard.

“I don’t know how to be with you,” Clark said softly. “I want to be. Wanted it since I met you. And at some point I decided it didn’t matter
how
that happened, just as long as... I...” Clark sighed. “Just as long as I get to hold your damned hand in public. Crazy...” He shook his head at himself.

“But there’s only been Brian and that one night. I’ve had subs since -- you know that. But it’s like... all those rules don’t really apply to you.”

Daniel’s eyes widened, and he cupped Clark’s face. “I feel so lost around you.” Daniel took a long breath. “I mean, I’ve been a professional dom for years, and I’ve always had to hold this line with people. Always had to stop anyone from seeing me as vulnerable. But with you...” Daniel stopped. His body shook, and Clark squeezed Daniel’s arm. “With you, I want to stop being so defensive. You just want to take care of me, to do things for me. It’s not that you think I’m weak, and you’re going to have to give me some time to disarm all that.”

Clark kissed Daniel lightly on the mouth. His body and brain were conflicted: the mental exhaustion demanded respite, but Clark’s body didn’t want rest. It wanted to crawl inside Daniel and get lost in skin and taste and sensation.

“You can have time or space or... anything, Daniel,” Clark said, lips brushing Daniel’s as he spoke. This was easier. Daniel admitting he was unsure and needing comfort gave Clark goals and paths. “And I don’t want to be... I’m not a client. I’m me. And if being with you means calling you ‘Sir,’ then I want to do that. If it means we trade or stick to roles, then we do. If you want me on my knees every moment we’re at home some nights, I want it. If you want me to hold you, then... please let me.”

Clark ran his hand up and down Daniel’s spine, voice tired and raw. “You’re the only other one I’ve ever felt this way about, and I’m sorry if that puts you off or worries you. I don’t want it to. I just want you to know that to me, you’re stability and peace and a guy I’d really like to keep in my life.”

Daniel sighed a long, slow sigh. “I should be terrified. I’ve never... I don’t... I haven’t had...” He laughed. “It’s a little like being followed by an adoring Bengal tiger and wondering when you’ll rip my arm off for whacking you on the nose.”

Clark chuckled throatily, and Daniel flashed a smile. “But I think, with you, I want to try,” he continued. “I keep jumping into the damnedest things for you, keep saying things that take everything I’ve got. Just for you.”

Clark laughed and slid closer to Daniel. “I’m here to make you work for it?” he quipped, molding their bodies together. “I would sooner rip my own arm off than hurt you,” Clark said, nosing Daniel’s head back so Clark could kiss chin and jaw.

Daniel’s head tipped, giving Clark more room to work. “That’s what I’m afraid of, Clark. I don’t want...” He shuddered. “I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt you, either, if some of my reflexes do go off when I’m tired or have a bad day or just because I’m afraid. And, oh God, Clark that does feel good.”

Clark slowly dragged his lips over Daniel’s neck. His fingertips teased their light caress lower -- tracing the soft skin at the top of the cleft of Daniel’s ass and then over the cheeks. He reached under pillows to bring Daniel closer. “Don’t worry about it right now. I think I can weather your bad days or moods or reflexes. I know you, remember?” Clark kissed Daniel’s temple. “I won’t let you hide from me,” he whispered, and licked the pattern of Daniel’s ear with the tip of his tongue.

Daniel whimpered. “Please... yes, please keep looking.”