Heaven and Mel (Kindle Single) (12 page)

Nick and Mel have been trying to get into them for days. Nick tells Naomi that they got back from hiking up the hill and he thought, "I don't care what the temperature is, I'm going in."

"It was scalding," Nick says, "I get in and it's just burning, but I don't care, I just sit there. So Mel shows up with one of his shakes in his hand and says, 'Hey! I'm coming in! Is it good?'

"I say, 'I don't know, be careful, it's really hot.'

"Mel steps in and scalds his foot and yells really loud, 'Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck!' and throws his shake.

"Then he slips trying to get out. Everybody's laughing. Then he turns around and looks at me and says: 'What's wrong with you? You're not human!'"

When we've been here a few days, Naomi asks Nick what he thinks of Mel.

"He's funny and fun to be around," Nick says, "but he's really, really spoiled."

Naomi asks, "Why do you say that?"

Nick says, "Look around. This is one of the most beautiful countries in the world, and he lives in this gorgeous, huge estate. And he's not happy. He's complaining about the Jacuzzi being too hot, or the Internet not working, or the wood starting to get weathered. I don't get it. All this, and he's not happy."

* * * *

NICK GOES TO THE BEACH
to surf with Mel, Randy, Elizabeth, and Brad.

He tells us this story: "I'm sitting with Mel on a piece of driftwood a ways off from the surf. We're talking. We look out at the surf and see this fat guy walking into the water. There's a shallow part and then a quick drop to deeper water.

"We're watching this guy and he suddenly drops down into the deeper part and he's sort of floundering around.

"Mel says, 'Man, look at that fat ass! I don't understand how people can let themselves get that fat. It's like wearing a thick winter coat of flesh all year round.'

"The fat guy stumbles out of the water and he heads straight for us. Mel goes, 'Oh no, he's heading over here!'

"The guy gets closer and we realize it's Brad."

* * * *

WHEN THEY ARE SITTING
on that piece of driftwood on the beach talking… this is what Mel Gibson, movie star, and my fifteen-year-old son are talking about.

Mel says to Nick: "I did so much for her (Oksana). I had all this wood specially shipped in for her. She didn't like the original wood so I tore it all up and replaced it with this beautiful carved wood that she liked.

"She told me about a bed she had once that she really loved, so I had it built for her. I had it made exactly as she remembered it. I took all the curtains down that she didn't like and replaced them with ones she picked out. I spent millions of dollars trying to make her happy, and she never ever was.

"I overheard her talking to her friend on her cellphone once. She was describing this breakfast meal that she'd had in Russia that she loved. I called a chef and had him come at 4:30 in the morning to prepare this meal for her as a surprise. They had to hunt down all the ingredients and it took hours to make.

"When she came down for breakfast, she sat down, ate it, and said nothing. She didn't say one thing about it! I waited the entire day. Finally, at the end of the day, I asked her, 'Did you notice the special breakfast?' and she said, 'Oh yeah, thanks.'"

* * * *

MEL CAN'T FIND HIS CAR KEYS
. This happens a lot. We're all looking for the keys because we're going out to dinner, and Annie says it's better for Luci if we go early, otherwise it gets too late for a two-year-old.

Mel is racing around looking for the keys. The clock is ticking. We look for at least forty minutes without success.

Nick and Naomi are looking in the kitchen when Mel comes in. "They're not in here," he says evenly, steel-eyed. Quietly, through clenched teeth he says, "Just go get in the car." Naomi says, "Nick, let's go," and they walk straight out to the car.

But everyone is just standing out in the driveway, so we stand there too. Mel appears, leaning over the balcony. His eyes are wild. He says, "Do you remember the old TV show — 'McHale's Navy'? You know the Phil Silvers character? He used to say, 'Sometimes I get so mad I could just scream!' That's how I feel all the time."

He is sizzling angry. Naomi looks at Annie, who's holding Luci, her hand over Luci's head. She's pacing back and forth.

Mel says again, firmly, "Everyone
get in the car
." That does it. Naomi gets in and sits in the middle. Nick gets in next to her. Nick says to Naomi, "Everybody should just do what he says."

It's hot, but they sit there, just the two of them. I'm not getting in until somebody finds the keys, no matter what Mel says. Everyone else starts getting into the car. Mel finally appears. He's found the keys in Luci's room. I get in the car.

* * * *

LUCI LEAVES US THE NEXT DAY
with Annie and her husband, Phillip. Mel and Brad fly to San Jose with them on the helicopter, where Luci will fly to L.A. with Annie and Phillip.

There is a lump in Naomi's heart and mine when the little girl is gone. Nayo hugs her when Luci goes up on the chopper. Joe the Owl waves to her and gets a near smile.

We have no inkling that this is the last time we will see Luci, the gorgeous little girl who stole our hearts.

* * * *

WE HEAR THAT IT'S SNOWING
back in Ohio, where Judah and his Bros and his Pops are staying. Try as hard as I can, I just can't conjure Judah from this sunny place.

The scuttlebutt among the staff in the house is that Mel is staying a night in San Jose with Brad at the Hotel Alta, the place he called "a dump."

The staff gossips that Mel and Brad will "party" for a night before they return. I know what that means, and I hope, for my sake and everyone else's, that it's true.

When Mel returns with Brad the next day, it's like a royal welcome. I almost hear trumpets and fanfare.

* * * *

MEL'S COSTA RICA HOUSE
has no religious icons, rosaries, crucifixes or statues… except two wooden ones of the Blessed Mother made by a Costa Rican artist.

I ask Kata if she can give me the artist's name. I want to buy some of his work.

Kata says, "Please, let me give them to you. Mel never commented on them. I don't even know if he likes them."

I tell Kata I can't let her do that. She insists. We go back and forth. We finally make a deal. I write her a check for the two wooden statues.

* * * *

WE ARE TAKING A BIG CHARTERED FISHING BOAT
to Mel's other estate in Costa Rica, a ranch on the other side of Guanacaste.

It is a spectacular place built in the old Spanish manner, right on the beach, a castle in Mission style. There are different kinds of vegetation; a sweet sun-kissed breeze; trees that look like they could be scattered across the African Savannah; sky-scraping Oregon pines.

The house manager here tells us that the mansion remains covered year-round to protect the wood. She says Mel hasn't been here for a year, but they've taken the cover off for the day while we visit. She says she wishes Mel would sell it or rent it. "It's such a waste," she says.

Naomi says to Nick, "Didn't you love the drive here from the boat?"

Nick says, "I thought it was sad. Didn't you see all those shacks? Didn't you see the way these people live? That starving dog? That little girl standing by the road in rags?"

When we arrive, Mel starts racing around the big house. He suddenly says, "Hey, I still have some of her (Oksana's) stuff up here." He runs upstairs and says something the rest of us can't hear.

"What did he say?" we ask Nick, who was standing right next to him.

Nick says: "He said he was going to go upstairs, piss on the bed, and burn her stuff."

* * * *

LATER THAT AFTERNOON
, Mel goes for a tour of his ranch in a small all-terrain vehicle with Nick, Randy, Elizabeth, and Brad.

Nick: "Randy just had knee surgery and the surfing aggravated it, so his knee is really swollen. Elizabeth is up front with Mel, who is driving. I'm in the back with Randy and Brad sits on the other side in the back.

"There's a big metal sign that says, 'No passengers in back.' Mel takes the bumps like a maniac. Brad says to us, 'Can I sit next to you? I'm really hot.' His face is bright red and sweaty. Brad says, 'I think I'm burning my ass!' We realize he's sitting directly on top of the engine, which, because of the load, is really hot.

"All of a sudden Mel yells, 'Duck!' But it's too late. A tree branch hits me in the back so hard I almost fall out. Randy flies up so high he whacks his bad knee on the roll bar. Mel is laughing."

When they hobble back from the tour of the ranch, they look like the walking wounded. I ask Nick, who's bent over and holding his back, how it was.

Nick smiles sadly and shakes his head: "Mel tells us he's going to take us to see these beautiful African huts that he's had shipped to Costa Rica from Africa. They were shipped in crates and put together here. Mel tells us the top floor of these huts is amazing. They have a huge bed built into the floor. He's very excited to show it to us."

"We get there," Nick continues, the sad smile still lingering on his face, "but it's terrible. The huts are trashed. The wood is rotting. When we walk upstairs there are huge scorpions crawling on the steps. Elizabeth is hanging on to Randy. When we get the top floor there's bat shit everywhere."

Nick pauses, "Elizabeth takes a step and a bat flies out of the wood. It hits Randy in the face. Elizabeth screams."

* * * *

WE GO BUMMING AROUND
in Mal Pais with Mel.

A couple approaches Mel at a surf shop and asks if they can have a picture taken with him. He smiles graciously and says sure. He turns to Randy and hands him the camera and at the same time draws a line with his finger across his throat. Randy takes the picture.

After the couple has walked away, Mel says, "Did you chop off their heads?"

Randy is completely baffled.

Mel says, "That's what I was trying to tell you. Never include the heads when you take the picture. Then it's worthless."

We run into some locals at the boat dock. They're American ex-pats and look like Hell's Angels: Big, chrome-laden bikes, lots of tattoos, bandanas tied around their heads, black motorcycle boots.

They say to Mel "Hey, man — haven't seen you for awhile! Where you been?"

Mel chats with them for a minute and then they shake hands.

As we walk away, Mel says, "Yeah. Ha ha ha. Fuck you."

On the way back to the car, Mel makes one of his awful corny jokes. Everyone laughs politely except Nick.

Mel looks at Nick and says, "Why didn't you laugh?"

Nick smiles and says, "Because I didn't think it was funny."

Mel looks at Nick for a second and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

* * * *

WE'VE GATHERED BEFORE DINNER AND KATA
is showing Naomi pictures on her laptop. She shows her one she has taken of Mel and Luci. It's a terrible photograph of Mel. He looks old and balding. Neither of us says anything. Kata just flips by it.

Mel comes down and approaches Kata. Naomi sits on the chair next to me. We're sitting across from Mel and Kata.

Mel begins looking at the same photos Kata has just shown me. He stares at one of them, the one that makes him look so old and balding. He bolts up and hurls his cellphone against the stone wall.

* * * *

HE HURLS HIS CELLPHONE
against the stone wall and screams, "I look so fucking old! I look horrible! That fucking whore (Oksana) is destroying me! She's taking my looks! I hate her! She's destroying my life!"

He is screaming full-throated: "Look at me!! Fucking look at me! Look how terrible I look! Answer me, God! Why did you turn your back on me! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

He steps a few feet away and screams into the sky, "I'm not gonna take it up the ass anymore and say, 'Thank you, your Honor!'"

He goes running around the side of the house in the darkness toward a downstairs billiard room. Naomi and Nick are terrified.

* * * *

THE KITCHEN STAFF AND THEIR CHILDREN
are gathered in a tight cluster on the steps just above us in the dining room.

As Mel runs screaming around the side of the house to the billiard room, they say to Kata: "What did you do to him?" Kata says, "Nothing! He saw a picture of himself that he didn't like." Kata is breathless.

One young woman who works in the house, who'd been so bubbly and warm the whole week, makes the sign of the cross.

The cook turns to his young daughter and says in Spanish, "Run! Go to the house next door and hide and don't come out until I come to get you."

* * * *

I TELL NAOMI AND NICK
that we are going to go up the steps and sit at the dining room table. I want to be around the Costa Rican staff in the kitchen for safety. Randy and Brad go running after Mel. Elizabeth comes with us to the dining room. She's trembling.

We hear a loud, explosive crash from the billiard room. I realize that Mel has knocked over his expensive, beautifully-carved totem pole. Mel continues screaming downstairs: "Why don't I have a first draft of 'The Maccabees'? What the fuck have you been doing?"

I realize that Mel is screaming about
me
now. Nick stares at me as he hears Mel's words.

"You're getting paid, I'm not!" Mel screams. "
Shit
! I'm earning money for a filthy little cocksucker (Oksana) who takes advantage of me! Just like every motherfucker! So hurry the fuck up and give me the first draft!"

He seems to have ignored or blocked out what I told him the day I arrived: That the writing was going well and that he'd have a completed first draft by February 15th.

I know now that I've been lumped in with that vast army of people Mel believes are using him and taking advantage of him. The fact that Mel thinks this, considering how hard I've worked on this script, considering that for almost a full year I worked for free, is painful.

* * * *

AS WE SIT AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE
, we hear Mel running back toward us alongside the house. He appears on the step leading to the dining room, from stage right, theatrically.