Heller (42 page)

“What’s the
matter?”

I sniffed as
quietly as possible. “It’s just that what I always thought I
wanted, I’m not sure about any more.” He didn’t jump to comfort me
as he normally would. “What’s the matter with you?” I asked him
angrily.

“You weren’t
open with me, Matilda. You went off to meet your ‘boyfriend’ and
didn’t tell me.”

“As if you
didn’t find out five seconds after I went to meet him. Why do I
have to tell you everything, when you already know everything?”

“I wish I
did
know everything!” he fired back, voice raised, accent
stronger. “You know that I worry about you and I didn’t know where
you were. Niq wanted you and I couldn’t tell him where you were
because I didn’t know.
And
you didn’t answer your
phone.”

“Why don’t you
just keep me on a chain in the backyard?” I volleyed heatedly.

“Matilda.” His
sigh was weary. “Why do you mind so much that I care about
you?”

I suddenly
deflated as well. “I don’t know. You’re so intense. It’s just too
much sometimes. I’m not used to someone being so intense about
me.”

“There’s that
word again.”

“Intense.
Yeah, it’s a good word to describe you.”

He turned away
so I couldn’t see the expression on his face. When he turned back,
his face was blank as usual. “I can’t force you to stay with us.
But if you do decide to leave, can it be because you are following
your dream, not because you are trying to escape from me? Niq and
Daniel will never forgive me if that’s the reason.”

“I’m not
trying to escape from you. I only want some space now and
then.”

“You like this
man Will?”

“Yep. And
you’ll like him too when you met him.”

“No, I won’t
like him, Matilda. When I meet him, all I will think about is
hurting him.”

I stared at
him, appalled.

“Too
intense?”

I nodded
vigorously. “Yeah,
definitely
too intense!”

He stepped
closer, tenderly pushing a lock of escaped hair back behind my ear
and looking down at me with an alien softness in his eyes that made
my heart beat faster. “I knew the second I saw you that I would
hire you.”

“Really?” All
I remembered was that I’d been bleeding and clueless, dumbstruck at
meeting him for the first time.

“There you
were on your hands and knees, nose bleeding and bruised, dressed in
that hideous suit, with a desperate expression in your eyes and no
experience or skills –”

“Hey, steady
on!” I complained. “You make me sound completely hopeless.”

He didn’t even
hear me. “And all I could think about was that a gem had just
dropped into my life.”

“A
gem
?” What the hell? I’d never been called
that
before.

“Yes, a gem –
someone rare and precious. Dropped right into my life, just like
that, when I least expected it. And after I’d interviewed so many
uninteresting, sycophantic people who told me what they thought I
wanted to hear and who would never have fitted into this family.
I’d almost given up on finding anyone. When I saw you, my instincts
told me that you would end up being very important to me. And I
always listen to my instincts because they’re inevitably
right.”

I hardly dared
to breathe, imprisoned in his blueness. “Were they right this time
too?”

He smiled. “Of
course they were. Just as they were about the twins and Daniel and
Niq. And that’s why I worry about you so much, because you are so
important. It’s an ugly world out there, Matilda, and I need to
know that the people who matter to me are safe. I’m sorry if that
means that you think I’m too controlling or over-protective, but I
need it to be that way. I can’t change the way I am.”

We regarded
each other in silence. “You think I’m important?”

“I think
you’re very important,” he agreed. “And not only to me, but to all
of us here.”

I was lost for
words. It was probably the nicest thing anybody had ever said to me
before.
I
didn’t even think I was important.

“And besides,”
he continued, a teasing note to his voice. “I felt sorry for you.
Who else was going to give you a job looking like that? I was doing
a public service by hiring you.”

“Heller! I
loved that suit. It was –”

“Cheap and
ugly?”

“Half-price!”

He laughed,
kissed me softly on the forehead and gave me a little push towards
the packages. “Try on your uniform. I asked Mei to arrange it, so
the sizing should be right.”

Without even
thinking, I stripped off my t-shirt and slipped on the monogrammed
black polo shirt. I was halfway though pulling my jeans off when I
realised that he was watching, attentive amusement on this face. Of
course I felt the telltale fire in my cheeks straight away.

“Sorry. I
should have gone into the bathroom to change, but I was so
excited.”

“Do you hear
me complaining?” he said with a lazy smile.

Soon enough, I
stood in front of him, a fully-fledged
Heller’s
officer. I
twirled around, so he could see from every angle.

“Very nice,”
he approved. “That uniform has never looked so appealing
before.”

I stared at
myself in the mirror, suddenly weighed down with responsibility. “I
can’t leave here.”

“Of course you
can’t. You love me too much.”

“That’s the
main reason of course.” I rolled my eyes. “But I promised Niq that
I wasn’t going anywhere. He was so upset at the thought of me
leaving, and he doesn’t even know about this job offer.” I looked
at my reflection again. “And I could never leave Daniel either. Not
now that I’ve heard his story.”

“They’ve both
become very attached to you. You’ve been very good for them.
Neither of them has ever had a positive relationship with a woman
before. They’ve had no constructive female role models in their
lives. Both their mothers betrayed them in the worst possible way.
Psychologically, having you around is very beneficial for
them.”

For a moment I
thought about that and all of its ramifications for me.

“I’m not used
to anyone relying on me. In my family,
I’m
the one who can’t
get their act together. The one who relies on other people when
everything falls apart. To be responsible for someone else . . .
well, it’s such a challenge for me, a huge responsibility. I’m not
good with responsibility. I’m not good with challenges.” I thought
some more. “Or commitment.”

“You’ll get
used to it.” There was a hard edge to his voice, as if he wasn’t
going to give me any choice about it. “I had to.”

I reached out
to touch his forearm lightly. “There’s so much I want to know about
you, Heller. Did you have a terrible childhood too? Is that what
made you want to rescue other boys?” I paused. “And the odd
girl?”

“You’re not
that odd,” he smiled, tweaking my nose and dodging the scrunched-up
piece of tissue paper I chucked at his head.

I returned to
the mirror to assess myself again in my
Heller’s
uniform. I
never thought that I’d ever be wearing a uniform, but I liked it.
It suited me. I felt like a somebody wearing it, and I suddenly
understood what Daniel had been saying.

“You belong
here, Matilda. You belong with us.”

I made up my
mind. “You’re right. I do belong here,” I said, my eyes flicking
his way in the mirror. “I’m not leaving my new family.”

His hands
landed on my arms and spun me around to face him. He slid them up
to my shoulders, massaging them gently. “This is it, Matilda. Now
you’ve made this decision to stay, I expect that you are making a
full commitment to me and my team and that you will turn your back
on acting forever. I expect you to be loyal to me and to put my
interests – our interests – above everybody else in your life,
including family, friends, and . . . any lovers. I demand complete
loyalty from my staff, and I’ll expect nothing less from you.” He
waited for me to object and when I didn’t, he softly squeezed my
shoulders, his thumbs creeping up to stroke my neck. I tried not to
purr. “In return, I promise to protect you, to provide for you, to
be there when you need me, and to give you as much freedom as I
think is compatible with your safety and my need to be assured of
your safety.”

We held each
other’s eyes. It had the solemn sound of a marriage ceremony of
sorts – a commitment ceremony, maybe.

“Do we have a
deal?” he asked.

I hesitated. I
was apprehensive about what was in store for me in the future, but
the simple fact for me was that I couldn’t imagine any life that
didn’t include Heller, Niq, Daniel and the twins.

I nodded at
him. “We have a deal.”

“Good, come
with me. I have something else to show you.” And he seized my hand
and led me down the stairs, right down to the first basement where
his personal fleet was parked. He lifted some keys from the cabinet
and pressed them into my hand.

“We’re going
for a drive?” I asked, confused, before facing him indignantly.
“You’re not thinking I need some driving lessons in a 4WD, are
you?”

“I do, now
that you mention it, but that’s not why we’re down here,” he
laughed and pushed me gently towards his 4WDs. Puzzled, I walked
past the first one, Heller’s own Mercedes, instantly noticing the
little car next to it that had been hidden from view by its bulk. I
turned back to Heller in delighted surprise. He smiled at me.

“Heller! Did
you buy a little car for me to drive?” I asked, excited. He nodded.
It was a cute and sporty black Mazda 3 sedan with a personalised
number plate that simply read HELLERS.

“That number
plate is a statement about the car, not me,
right
?” I
demanded.

“Of course it
is, my sweet.” His face was unreadable, as usual.

“This is so
generous of you,” I said happily, unlocking the car and sitting in
the driver’s seat. I’d never driven a brand new car before. He
joined me in the passenger seat, although it was squishy for
him.

“I couldn’t
risk you driving one of my 4WDs again,” he told me. “It took my men
ages to extract that tree from the grill.”

“Heller! It
was only a small shrub, not a tree,” I argued. We went for a little
drive around the neighbourhood and I loved the car’s zippy
compactness.

Back in the
garage, car safely locked, heading for the stairs, I reached up and
kissed him on the cheek in gratitude. As quick as lightning his
hands dropped to my waist, pulling me crushingly close. He took
control of the chaste kiss I had initiated, and pressed down on my
lips. After a moment, his tongue forced my lips apart. I let him
willingly. A flood of heat spread through my body and I slipped my
arms around his waist, one arm sliding upwards to revel in the
tight muscles of his shoulder blades. One of his hands tangled in
my hair, the other cupped my butt, grinding my hips against his,
forcing me backwards against the Mazda. God, I wanted him. Right
then. I knew he had a big comfortable bed upstairs, lovely crisp
cotton sheets. Or we could just do it in the back seat of my new
car. He wanted to and I wanted to, so what was the harm? And it had
been so long for me. Maybe we could just . . .

“I want you so
much, Matilda,” he breathed hoarsely into my ear. “I can’t believe
how much.”

I could,
because it was pressing up against me in all its huge magnificence.
Then I thought of that man sniggering about me being Heller’s
little fuck-buddy and I mustered up every ounce of willpower I had
in my being and pushed him away with my hands against his
chest.

“Heller,
no!”

He stopped
immediately, as I knew he would. I don’t know from what
inner-spring of steel he was able to dredge up his self-control and
strength.

“It’s not very
professional to shag your employees, you know. It’s taking
workplace relations a bit too far.” I plastered on a smile despite
my thumping heart and gave him a light double slap on his cheek.
“See you round, Boss.” I turned, leaving him gazing after me in
frustration while I escaped, running up the stairs to the safety of
my flat.

That night, I
watched the late news while I ironed and nearly burnt a hole in my
favourite blouse at a story about a blazing fire that had gutted
the office headquarters of Select Security during the early morning
hours. It was ‘extremely suspicious in nature’ according to the
interviewed fire-chief.

No.
It
couldn’t be
, I thought to myself hesitantly.
He wouldn’t,
would he?

Heller did say
he would sort things out with Select, but arson? It was so illegal.
So wrong. People might have died or been hurt, including the fire
fighters – innocent people. I wanted to ring him and ask, but
didn’t dare. I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to know the truth
in any case. So I didn’t and to my shame, I turned a blind eye.

I thought I
would toss and turn that night after that unpleasant little shock,
but instead I closed my eyes and fell into a deep and peaceful
sleep almost immediately. I hadn’t felt so relaxed for months. My
last conscious thought was that day I had certainly made a deal
with the devil, and that I couldn’t be more delighted about it.

The next day I
rang Kristo to break the bad news. He didn’t take it very well,
knowing that I would have been a guaranteed cash-cow for the next
year for him. He threatened that I would never work in the industry
again. I told him that I couldn’t care less and hung up. Then I
sneaked out for a few hours in the late morning, leaving Heller a
note on his desk that I’d be back before lunchtime, but not telling
him what I was doing. On my return he interrogated me on where I
had been and what I’d been doing, suspicious that I’d been out with
Will again, but I merely smiled and told him I would tell him soon
enough. He almost grew angry with me about my implacable silence,
but as I refused to budge, he had no choice but to let it be.