Heller's Regret (44 page)

Authors: JD Nixon

Tags: #relationships, #chick lit, #adventures, #security officer

BOOK: Heller's Regret

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“Whether I love you or not is irrelevant.
This is about the kind of relationship I want to be in. You’re
happy to live like this forever. I’m not. Real relationships are
more than just sex. There’s trust and companionship. Support.
Togetherness. Building a life together. Love. My parents had all of
this in their marriage and I want it too.”

“Matilda –”

“My parents had each other in their lives,
but I don’t
have
you. I have sex with you, but that’s about
all. You don’t share your life with me. My parents knew everything
about each other, yet I don’t even know your real name.”

“Matilda, your thinking is being influenced
by your father’s passing.”

“It’s not just that. It’s as if his death has
been a catalyst for me to examine my own life. I don’t like how I’m
living.”

“Matilda,” he said, tenderly stroking my
cheek with his thumb. “I have told you many times that I care for
you. And what about that necklace?”

I pulled away from his caress, though I
desperately wanted more after missing his touch for so long. “What
about it? A trinket with an enigmatic symbol on it that could mean
anything I wanted it to. You can’t even be straightforward when you
give me a gift.”

“It wasn’t meant like that.”

“And I don’t want to be the one who pays for
you pissing off other people doing whatever it is you’re doing when
you’re not here. It’s not fair I’m hurt because of something I
don’t even know about.”

“Maybe we should –”

“I just want some normal in my life,” I said
quietly.

His voice grew harsh. “Is this about another
man? Is this about Farrell?”

“No! This is about you and me! This has
nothing to do with any other man.”

“We can work it out.”

“No, we can’t. When you weren’t there for me,
I stopped believing that you cared. I don’t know if I can ever get
that faith in you back.”

“I’ve never stopped caring for you, Matilda.
The one thing that kept me going through the nightmare I’ve just
endured was the thought of coming home to you. Every day my first
and last thoughts were of you.”

“How am I supposed to know any of that if you
never tell me?”

“I need you in my life. You balance me in
ways I can’t even describe.”

“You unbalance me. There’s too much violence,
too much secrecy, too much control. Dad’s death has made me realise
how fragile life is and how much we should value each day. I don’t
want to risk my life anymore.”

“Can’t we just talk about this more before
you decide, Matilda?” His voice took on a beseeching edge that I’d
never heard before.

“I need you to back off for a while. My
mind’s jumbled at the moment, but I’ve said what I want to say and
at this stage, I’m not about to change my mind.” Sudden tears
filled my eyes. “I’m sorry, Heller. I really love you, but I can’t
be with you if it means I might be dead tomorrow. I feel as though
I owe it to Dad to value my life more than that.”

I left him in my flat, staring after me, his
face stricken.

My heart ripping apart, I ran down the stairs
to the security section, needing the distraction of the
surroundings to quell my emotional turmoil.

“You okay, Tilly?” asked Clive, examining my
face closely. I should have splashed my face with water before I
came down, not that it would have made much difference.

“Not really. But as you won’t give me any
work, I thought that maybe seeing me in person might remind you
that I’m still employed here.”

“Have you seen Heller yet?” he asked
cautiously.

“Yes,” I replied abruptly. “Now what have you
got for me? I hope you can find me something dull and decidedly
harmless.” I tried to sound cheery and without a care in the world,
fearing I failed miserably on both.

“Nothing much today, but tomorrow I have a
boring detail at a shopping centre doing crowd control. It’s the
opening of a new megastore selling clothes. They’re having a huge
celebration and sale, so are expecting thousands to be there. But
perhaps that’s just what you want right now?”

I nodded. That would do me fine. “Who’s on
with me?”

“Farrell’s in charge, with Barnes and Nguyen
making up the four of you.”

I was happy with that team – all guys with
whom I was comfortable working. I went over to Farrell to get some
instructions from him about what time we needed to be down here in
the section tomorrow morning.

We chatted about that, our conversation
moving inevitably to the fiery ‘death’ of Malefic. I longed to
share what Brian had told me about the accident, but Brian had
probably already broken a hundred rules to fill me in. I didn’t
want to be responsible for him getting into any trouble, though
confident I could trust Farrell to be discreet.

Farrell placed a friendly hand on my shoulder
and squeezed. “Bet you’re glad to see that creep meet his maker,
whoever that was.” If only he knew that the spectre of Malefic,
dead or alive, would probably haunt me forever.

When Heller entered the section, Farrell
hastily removed his hand. The room resonated with a stream of
“Welcome back, Boss” at his appearance, the men strangely pleased
to see him back in the Warehouse running his business.

It didn’t matter that I’d ended it with
Heller. For these guys I’d forever be ‘Heller’s woman’ for as long
as I worked here. The only way for me to control their opinion was
to leave. But the thought of uprooting my entire life, separating
myself permanently from Daniel and Niq was inconceivable to me. I
was caught in a bind – I needed to leave the Warehouse, but I
needed to stay.

With nothing to do until tomorrow, I spent
the day reviewing Niq’s recent schoolwork, making him correct a
couple of sloppy errors. I cooked dinner for him and Daniel, but
when they decided to watch a couple of their favourite gory movies,
I took myself up to the rooftop, needing some time to reflect on my
decision.

I lay on one of the sunbeds, staring up at
the starry endless sky. Heller and I hadn’t really been a couple
for a long time, but he’d been such a dominant figure in my life,
it would be hard for me to find another man to replace him.
Especially when I still had such strong feelings for him. My
short-term future wouldn’t include a new relationship with another
man.

I didn’t exactly feel peaceful at my
momentous resolution. It was easier to think of ending it with
Heller when he wasn’t here, but seeing him every day, longing for
his touch and missing him in my bed were going to sorely test my
strength.

After a long time of contemplation, my
thoughts chasing each other around with no ending in sight, I
noticed how chilly it was, leaving the rooftop for bed.

I hadn’t bother to turned the light on when
I’d come upstairs, not needing it, the moon shedding more than
enough light to suit my brooding pensiveness.

I met Heller in the dark space at the top
landing of the staircase, not alarmed or surprised by his presence.
I realised he’d be surveilling me for some time to come, trying to
discover if I had a new lover. He’d quickly become a very bored man
doing that. I tried to slip past him, not looking at or speaking to
him. He stopped me with a gentle hand on my arm.

“Matilda, please don’t shun me in my own
home.”

“I’m sorry. I thought it might make it easier
for both of us.”

“Nothing will make this easier,” he said
quietly. “Are you planning on leaving here?”

“No. Do you want me to?”

“Of course I don’t.”

“Thank you. I’ll pay rent and I’ll pay for
the use of the car.”

“Stop it. I don’t want you to be so aloof
with me.” His fingers caressed my arm softly. I pulled it away,
finding his touch unbearably tempting. “Can we just talk some
more?”

“What else is there to say?”

“That I’m sorry I’m not good at
relationships. Sorry that I’m not making you happy. Sorry I wasn’t
here when you needed me.” He swallowed hard, his hand creeping back
to my arm as if craving my touch as much as I craved his. “I have
many regrets in my life, Matilda. I don’t want to be haunted
forever by regretting I put my business first, costing me the woman
I . . .”

I held my breath, hoping this would be the
moment that changed both our lives. I could forgive a lot if I
thought he genuinely loved me.

“The woman I care for.”

Crushed, I yanked my arm from his hold.

“Matilda,” he implored.

“Goodnight, Heller,” I said, proud my voice
was so steady.

I left him standing there alone, watching me
leave.

~~~~~~ ###### ~~~~~~

About the author:

JD Nixon lives in Queensland, Australia,
letting a wild imagination run free.

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