Hello Loved Ones (45 page)

She took a deep breath and knocked.

When she heard his crutches thumping toward the door, she fought the urge to run. There was only time to breathe a quick
please, God, please spare me complete humiliation
before the door opened and there he was. She noticed the black hair springing off his forehead, the bushy eyebrows that were really quite nice.

“Hi,” she said. He was wearing flimsy cotton shorts, his right leg jutting out in a cast that went from the ankle to above the knee, his left leg bare and hairy. On top he wore a regular button-down shirt, so the effect was one of being
undressed
. She felt herself blush. She had never seen an undressed man before.

“I brought you some pie.”

“Oh! Well...marvelous. Look at that!”

He kept nodding. A little stupidly, Nell thought. Then it occurred to her, he might not know who she was. Should she tell him? It’s Nell VanSloeten. You
know
. You’ve delivered my mail for three years? Or maybe he’d heard The News and didn’t want to socialize with her family anymore. Or he could be numb with pain, distracted by the throb in his leg.

“So…” she said, offering up the Styrofoam box with both hands.

He laughed. “I would take it, but…” He motioned down at his crutches.

“Oh! Of course.” She was such an idiot, holding it out like that.

“Come in,” he said. “You can set it in the kitchen.”

She managed a smile. “That’s right. You sit down and rest that leg.”

She ventured timidly inside, past the front room, which looked shabby and cramped, a miss-mash of books and clothes and electrical parts and ….old radios? Was he was one of those eccentric bachelors, up all night fiddling with a screwdriver, hunched over a flickering light bulb, reading diagrams? And the kitchen! Dishes filled the sink and the linoleum was peeling along one wall. There was a funny smell of stale coffee and bacon grease, and on the counter sat an open jar of peanut butter with a spoon stuck in it.

She put the pie in the refrigerator, careful not to look too closely at the wrapped plates and cardboard containers lurking inside. Returning, she saw that he was easing himself into a chair. He motioned for her to sit, but she shook her head. She was too nervous. Besides, if she sat too close he might notice the largeness of her thighs. Instead, she tried to lean casually against a little half wall that jutted between the foyer and the living room. She carefully crossed her legs at the ankles and clasped her hands like she’d seen Doris Day do. She wobbled. It wasn’t easy.

There was a pause before he cleared his throat.

“How’s your sister?” The careful way he said it gave him away.

She felt her pose sag. “So you heard.”

And he didn’t even know the worst of it!

He nodded. “That’s got to be rough, finding out about her dad that way. If you want, tell her I’m thinking of her. And praying for her.”

A Christian man! She’d take it as a sign.

“I just wanted to say how sorry I am that I called out your name like that,” she said.

He shrugged. “I’ve always been a klutz. This isn’t the first time I broke my leg.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I did a back flip off a trampoline when I was nine. That’s why I like delivering mail. If I don’t walk a lot it starts aching real bad.”

She would know just what to do! Soak it in Epsom salt, rub it with alcohol, wrap it in a warm towel. This reminded her that she was sort of auditioning here, whether he realized it or not.

“Why don’t I get you that pie?” she said. “You should enjoy it now, while I’m here to help.”

She found a clean plate in a kitchen cupboard and set the pie on it carefully. As long as she was there, she opened a few more cupboard doors and took a quick look. No alcohol. Another good sign. And there was more satisfaction in the way Gizzy wasted no time digging in. Who knew taking care of a man could be so rewarding? While he ate, Nell took the opportunity to look more closely at him. How many years had he been delivering their mail? It seemed forever, but this was the first time she’d ever studied him. His neck was beginning to fold over his collar. So he was a little fat. She was no broomstick herself. The important thing was that he had a good government job. Most likely he had a wonderful sense of civic duty. The two of them in their uniforms, what a handsome couple they’d make!

Couple.
The word made her shiver. Couples held hands. They hugged and kissed and called each other
sweetie
or
honey bunch
. They had sex.

Her knees began to shake. Maybe it was the clutter around her that caused it; the memory she kept tidy and polished and tucked away crashed before her. It was that last day with her dad. Lenny’s birthday, ten years ago, when she’d seen him on top of her mother in the bedroom.

“What was he doing?” she had asked her mother.

She could still see Prudy’s pained look. “He wanted to do a private, loving thing that two people do when they’re married,” she said. “But he wasn’t doing it in a loving way. He was being very mean. You saw how he was being.”

“Was he trying to multiply?”

Nell was ten years old and she knew all about that. The Lord said go forth and multiply, and that was when two married people rubbed together with their clothes off.

“Not exactly,” Prudy said. “He wanted to do that same thing, but not to multiply. Just for fun.”

Fun? Nell still recalled the surprise of that idea. And the cold finger of fear that followed.

How could she be sure a man would never hurt her that way? She hadn’t worried about it with Pastor Voss because he looked and acted so gentle. But Gizzy was a big man. A man who disemboweled appliances!

He chewed and swallowed a big bite of pie, then burped softly into his napkin. Suddenly Nell was repulsed. Men were so crude, with their dirty dishes and unwashed clothes. Their drinking problems and lustful ways! Even her brother Lenny was disgusting, always popping his knuckles, picking his teeth, or passing gas.

“I’d better go,” she said, frantically backing toward the door.

“Hey, what for? Stay awhile.” He looked genuinely disappointed. It was almost enough to stop her.

But Sally’s baby. That did stop her. She took a deep breath, trying to stem the tide of doubt. Carefully, she perched on the edge of the chair across from him in what she hoped was an attractive posture.

“Tell me a little about yourself,” she said.

He talked easily about his parents, who lived in a trailer park in Allegan, and his younger brother, who was in the Army, stationed in Germany, and for a moment Nell was lulled into thinking she was in a normal situation. Just an ordinary girl! But putting off the inevitable wouldn’t make it any easier.

“
So
…Gizzy. How do you feel about marriage?” As if it had anything to do with their conversation.

“Marriage?” His eyes narrowed. He seemed to be giving her question some serious thought. “Marriage is good.”

“Do you plan to get married?”

“Ah, well. That all depends.”

She felt the sweat pop out on her forehead and tried to casually wipe it with the back of her hand.

“On what?” she asked.

He smiled. “I guess on whether someone would have me.”

It was so simple, when it was put that way.

She looked out the window, down the street to where the streetlight blinked yellow.
Caution. Curve ahead.
She took a deep breath and quietly said, “I’d have you.”

She heard the sound his mouth made as it opened. She didn’t dare look at him. “Gosh,” he said, “That’s nice of you.”

She felt lightheaded. No going back now. “Would you want to marry me?”

There was a long pause. “Is this hypothetical?” he said.

She looked at him and tried to make her voice light. “Just pretend I’m serious.”

He laughed awkwardly, then fell silent. “You’re taking me by surprise here,” he said slowly.

This was it. She could either go all soft and make a complete fool of herself, or stick to her plan. She stood up.

“Look, here’s the deal. We’ve known each other for years.” (She would never tell him she hadn’t known his real name!) “I like the way you...” Oh, this was tough. “...
are
. So punctual. Always cheerful. You’re an excellent mail carrier. And you have nice eyes,” she added.

“Thank you,” he mumbled.

“And I don’t see the point of all that lovey-dovey crap, if you’ll pardon my expression.” She put her hands on her hips to punctuate her point.

He leaned forward carefully and rested his elbows on his knees.

“Well,” he said finally. “You make the best lemonade on my whole route, and your flowers are very well cared for. And,” he shrugged sheepishly, “I like the way you laugh.”

Laugh?
When did she ever laugh? The idea that he might see her as cheerful (watch out Daisy!) stunned and delighted her. She didn’t know what to say.

“So how about we go out somewhere?” he said. “Maybe grab some dinner?”

A date! She knew it was absurd now, after what she’d said, but she’d always wanted to go on a date.

“Ok, sure.”

“Tonight? I can’t drive, but if you don‘t mind walking over, we can go to that little joint across the street.”

It was her turn to nod stupidly. She pointed at the door.

“So I guess I’ll go now.”

He struggled to get up. She rushed over to take his arm and with a jolt realized she was touching him! He smiled and put his hand over hers.

“I’m really glad you stopped by,” he said.

“Me too.”

She handed him his crutches and he hobbled beside her to the front door. They said goodbye and she looked up to see him still looking at her. Like he was really seeing her. It was just like the moment on her porch with her father, as if she’d stepped through a door, into herself.
Come on in. I’ve been waiting for you.
What was happening, that she was suddenly a
presence?
She floated down the stairs. Not exactly carefree, but possibly as close as she’d ever come.

“Hey, Nell,” he called.

She turned.

“Do you want kids?”

She did laugh then. A beautiful, tinkling sound that only comes when God has tapped you on the shoulder, singling you out. As if to say
you did it! I always knew you could
.

When the time finally came to talk to Sally, it was not the heart-hammering,
how-do-I-begin?
moment Nell had imagined. Instead, she ran into her sister in the hallway as Sally was coming out of the bathroom. Instinctively, Nell threw her arms around her and hugged her roughly, with all the finesse she’d shown in Pastor Voss’ office. Sally stiffened, and no wonder. Nell was realizing what an unaffectionate person she was. She resolved to change. In the meantime, she pulled away and studied her hands.

“Sally, we have to talk.”

Sally crossed her arms. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Have you thought about adoption?” Nell said bluntly. No finesse here either.

Sally sighed and walked away. Nell followed her into the kitchen.

“Well?”

“I couldn’t live with that,” Sally said, shaking her head angrily. “Knowing some stranger out there has my kid.”

Exasperation flared in Nell. So soon! She tried to keep her voice even.

“But you can live with abortion.”

“I just want it to be over.” Sally opened the refrigerator and peered inside. “I’m starving.”

Nell waited while Sally opened a carton of cottage cheese, sniffed it, and put it back.

“There are places you can go, to have the baby,” she said. “You don’t have to stay here.”

“And miss a whole year of school? People aren’t dumb. They would figure it out.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Easy for you to say!”

“Actually, it’s not.”

Sally gave up foraging and slammed the refrigerator door.

“It’s happening to
me
. It’s my decision.”

Nell sat down at the table, hoping to hide her irritation. This was not the way a person acted when she’s done something wrong. Sally ought to show remorse. Humble herself! Nell had had to do it with Sergeant Van Zandt, head hung low, murmuring
I’m sorry
about twenty times. Was it easy? No. But she wouldn’t dream of being belligerent.

“I’d take the baby,” she said. “If you wanted to have it.”

Nell could see she’d thrown her for a loop, though Sally answered casually.

“What would
you
do with a baby?”

“Take care of it, what else?”