Help! Somebody Get Me Out of Fourth Grade (6 page)

“Hank Zipzer,” I answered.

“That's a WFUN kind of name,” he said. “Zippy but not zipified.”

I laughed. Cousin Ralphie was always so funny and full of words. It must be amazing to have words on the tip of your tongue like that, to never have to search for a thought. Me, I'm always looking for the next word, the right word, any word. My brain isn't smooth like that. It's more like a dark, rocky cave with words and thoughts hiding behind every boulder. And I'm in there searching around without a flashlight.

“Hank Zipzer, here's what you've won for the parental unit: They'll be picked up by limousine and driven in style to Philadelphia. They'll get the red-carpet treatment backstage at the Theatre of Brotherly Love as they arrive for the Stone Cold Rock concert.”

Wow. That sounded great. I wished I was going.

“At the concert, they'll be treated to front-row seats, after which they'll join the band for Philadelphia cheesesteaks, the city's most famous sandwich.”

My mouth was watering. I could almost taste that cheesesteak.

“The next day, they'll ride back to New York City in luxury on the fully stocked band bus. And by the way, if they're into tattoos, we'll make a stop at our favorite tattoo artist, who will give them any design of their choice on any part of their body. How's that sound?”

“Do they have to do the tattoo part?” I asked. “My dad passes out when he has to get a flu shot at the doctor's office.”

Cousin Ralphie laughed. “You're a funny dude, Hank,” he said. “Real zipperific.”

Cousin Ralphie took my phone number and told me someone would call later to make all the arrangements. I thanked him about a hundred and fifty-eight times. He thought I was just thanking him for winning the trip. But I was really thanking him for making it possible for me to go on to the fifth grade.

I hung up the phone and let out a big sigh of relief. For a split second, I had that wonderful floating feeling you get when all your problems are solved. But that feeling only lasted for a second. Maybe even less. Because right away I realized that problem number two was waiting for me in the living room.

There was my dad, sitting in his blue boxer shorts, chewing on his mechanical pencil, hunched over his crossword puzzle, trying to come up with a synonym for an extinct rodent.

How on Earth was I going to convince
him
that he really, really, really couldn't live without going to see a Stone Cold Rock concert?

This wasn't going to be easy.

1. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the oldest person ever to attend a rock concert.

2. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the most uncool person ever to attend a rock concert.

3. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being listed twice in the Guinness Book of World Records.

4. You could see a rock concert and the Liberty Bell and Benjamin Franklin's grave all on the same day.

5. You could get a tattoo of a crossword puzzle on your upper arm muscle. (Oops, he doesn't have an upper arm muscle.)

6. You could get your mojo working. (I don't know if that counts, because I have no idea what a “mojo” is.)

7. You could bring back a whole bunch of souvenirs for Emily and me. That would make you feel so good—you always say it's better to give than to receive.

8. You could have a great time. Okay, it's not likely, but the point is, it COULD happen.

9. See below.

***Hank's Note: Sorry, all I could come up with were eight reasons. So get a pencil, go up to the top of this chapter, cross out the word
ten
, and write the word
eight
. Unless this is a library book. You never write in a library book. I made that mistake once and had to spend my next three weeks' allowance replacing the book.

I HAD MY LIST, and I had my job cut out for me.

I told Ashley and Frankie to wait in my bedroom, and I marched myself into the living room. I stood in front of my dad and looked him right in the face. I told him about the concert and how I won the trip to Philadelphia for Mom and him. I told him how totally great that was, how there were people in any city in the world who would kill to have those tickets.

Then I recited all the reasons on my list of why he should go.

Correction. I didn't just recite the reasons. Nope, I acted them out like I was auditioning to star in a Spider-Man movie. With feeling. With guts. With all my heart.

My dad sat there and listened to me. He nodded thoughtfully. If you just looked at him, his head going up and down, a little smile curling up at the corner of his mouth, his chin resting calmly in his hand—you'd be 100 percent sure you were seeing a yes.

But if you opened your ears and listened, you would have heard him say one of the smallest words in the English language that goes a little something like this:

NO!

MY MOM'S DAD is named Papa Pete, and he is not only the nicest grandpa in the world, he is one of the smartest too. Papa Pete always tells me that a “no” is just an opportunity for a “yes.” So when my dad said no, that he had absolutely zero interest in going to a rock concert in Philadelphia or anywhere else in the world, I took it as an opportunity to turn that little tiny no into a big, fat yes.

“But, Dad,” I said, running after him as he stomped off into the kitchen, “you've got to be open-minded to the possibilities of new adventures. Isn't that what you always tell me when I don't want to eat one of Mom's new food experiments?”

“Hank, there is a big difference between you taking a bite of your mother's meatless papaya trail-mix burgers with crushed cashews, and me standing in a stadium full of lighter-waving, leather-pants-wearing fans shaking their rumps to music without melody that gives me a headache.”

“Dad, can you honestly look me square in the eye and tell me you want to miss out on all that fun?”

“Yes,” he said, looking me square in the eye. “That's exactly what I'm saying. Aren't you perceptive?”

“Sometimes, Dad, you shock me, because knowing you as I do . . .”

“Hank,” my dad interrupted. “I am not going to the rock concert in Philadelphia. End of discussion.”

He left the room and went into the kitchen. I could hear him opening the refrigerator to get out the cranberry juice and club soda. He mixes them together to make a half-and-half, a drink that to me tastes really sour, but he says is ahh . . . so refreshing.

I turned around to see Frankie and Ashley creeping into the living room. They had obviously been standing by the door, listening.

“Okay, so that didn't work out so well,” Ashley said.

“No problem,” I answered. “We'll just move on to Plan B.”

“You're a man of action, Zip,” Frankie said. “That's what I like. Now, what is Plan B?”

“I have no idea.” I shrugged. “I was hoping you had one.”

“There's got to be something that's going to make him want to go to Philadelphia,” Ashley said. “We just have to figure out what that is.”

“My dad says people travel to see something they love,” Frankie said. “Like when we went to Zimbabwe to see the village where my ancestors came from.”

“And my dad went to Moscow to look at videos of small bowel function,” Ashley said.

By the way, you should know that Ashley's dad is a doctor and not some kind of nutcase who loves to watch movies of people's guts in action.

“What are the things your dad loves?” Frankie said to me as he plopped down into my dad's easy chair. “Besides crossword puzzles, which we all know he loves more than cranberry juice itself.”

“He loves my mom,” I answered.

I sat down on the couch next to Cheerio, who was asleep on his favorite pillow. Without even waking up, he cuddled up next to me and put his head on my lap and shook his leg like he was chasing something in his dream.

“No, dude, that doesn't help us get him to Philadelphia, because your mom is here,” Frankie said.

“We could kidnap her and leave a note saying that he'll find her in Philadelphia,” I suggested.

“That's extreme, Zip,” Frankie said. “Use your brain. What else does he love?”

“I don't know,” I said.

“Well, if you don't know, who does know? You're his son.”

“I'm just stupid,” I snapped. “Maybe I deserve to stay back in fourth grade.” I scratched Cheerio behind the ears.
Dogs are lucky,
I thought. The only thing they have to learn in school is how not to pee on the carpet. I could learn that. It's the long division I don't get.

“Guys, we don't have time for you to argue,” Ashley said. “We have to keep our attention on the goal, which is to get your mom and dad to Philadelphia. And by the way, you're not stupid, Hank.”

“Bingo,” said Frankie.

“Bingo. I like the sound of that! Bingo what?”

“Bingo, as in let's come up with an idea,” Frankie said.

All three of us stared at one another, trying to come up with an answer to the question—what would it take to change my dad's mind?

It was so quiet, I could hear car horns honking on the street ten floors below. I heard the elevator doors opening in the hall outside our door, footsteps, then the soft slap of the doors closing. It was probably our neighbor Mrs. Fink leaving for the painting class she takes over at the senior center on Amsterdam Avenue. Every painting she does is a picture of food. Her last painting was called
Kebab: A Study of Meat on a Stick
. It showed these really juicy chunks of meat on a skewer looking all spicy and delicious, just like they are in real life when Amir grills them on his cart on the corner of 74th Street and Columbus.

“What's going on, Hank?” Ashley asked. “You look like you have a good idea.”

“I was wondering if Amir is making kebabs right now. I could sure go for one,” I answered.

Frankie shot me a look I knew really well, because I'd been getting it from him my whole life.

“Get with the program, Zip,” he said. “We're thinking Philadelphia now, not roasted lamb.”

Maybe
he
was thinking Philadelphia, but I was way, way down the roasted lamb road. Welcome to the inside of my brain. It goes where it wants, whenever it wants. There was no chance of pulling it back now.

“I have a suggestion,” I said. “Why don't we move on to Plan C?”

And we did. In fact, we moved all the way to Plan M. We sat on the couch and thought. We flopped down on the living room carpet and thought. We stood in the hall and thought. We went into my bedroom and listened to the radio and thought. Every plan we came up with had something wrong with it. We just couldn't come up with the perfect magnet that would attract my dad to Philadelphia.