Her (36 page)

Dr. Pelchat reached for my chart and grabbed a pen.

“My father,” I said. “He’s still in California.”

Dr. Pelchat looked up from my chart. “Does he know that you are here?”

“No,” I said. “Not unless my mother told him.”

“What do you think he’d do if he knew that you were in the hospital?”

“That’s two questions in a row, Dr. Pelchat. I thought we were having a conversation.” I called him out on it that time.

Dr. Pelchat began writing again. Without looking at me, he said, “This is a conversation, Kristen. This is not a question game. We are adults.”

I didn’t reply. I was turning eighteen in less than a month. Was I an adult? Was I ready to be an adult? I didn’t know if I was, or even if I wanted to be an adult. Mom certainly wanted me to grow up. I had to grow up soon. I knew that. I looked away from Dr. Pelchat. He was probably already writing something that would set me back from getting out of Bent Creek. The sad and pathetic feeling crept back inside of me.

“I’m nervous about the test,” I admitted to Dr. Pelchat. “What if I...what if I have Borderline Personality Disorder?”

I looked down at my bandaged wrists and wished I hadn’t admitted that I was afraid.

“There is no need to be nervous,” Dr. Pelchat assured me. “All you have to do is be honest. The results depend on how open and honest you are about things that are going on with you. That’s all. There are no tricks in this test. The test is not designed to make you look good or bad. It’s just a test to help us to know how we can help you. That’s the only way you’re going to get the help you need and get better.”

I wished it were that easy.

CHAPTER 36

Daniel sat with our group at the lunch table, silent but with a smile on his face. He was being very mysterious, the way he was smiling and staring off into space. I could only assume that his family session had gone well that day. He didn’t volunteer any information.

Tai spoke up. “What’s with you?”

Daniel shrugged. “Where’s Janine?” he asked, to change the subject.

Janine wasn’t at lunch with us. In fact, after breakfast and our morning Group, no one had seen her.

“Maybe she’s asleep in the bedroom,” I said.

“Maybe,” Daniel agreed.

He seemed worried about her. His smile disappeared. Daniel took a bite of his food. When he chewed, his cheeks squinched, and he looked like a chipmunk. I couldn’t help but smile at him. When he looked up at me and saw me smiling at him, I wanted to turn away, but I couldn’t. He returned a smile. It was the best smile he had ever given me.

Suddenly, I began to see John’s face. His smiles were kind. When we’d flown the kite together - the day we’d almost kissed - all of us had been nothing but smiles.

Then I started to remember his face when he’d told his father that he didn’t want to come to our house anymore. After his uncle Jack was arrested, he hadn’t felt right coming over to help us move into our new place. I had heard them talking outside while we had been moving our furniture out of the house. He hadn’t smiled at me that day. When I’d gone to him to say hello, his eyes had been so confusing, and his tone cold. He hadn’t looked me in the eyes when he’d spoken to me.

John’s father had let him leave because John couldn’t stand being there at the house. He’d said that he was disgusted. He’d never clarified exactly what it was that had disgusted him. Had it been my family? The situation? The house? Had it been Jack?  Nick? Mom? Me? There was no doubt in my mind that things had changed between John and me. It hurt to think that he didn’t look at my family and me the same anymore. I just wanted everything to be okay again.

“I think that everything
is
going to be okay,” Daniel said to our group.

Our group was doing
dialectical behavior therapy. Dr. Bent called it DBT Skills Group.

Dr. Bent smiled and nodded in approval. “What about your father?” she asked him.

Daniel continued to smile. He said, “Finally, he’s moving away. My mother got their divorce settled.”

I saw the happiness in his eyes. Dr. Bent put her hands together, as if she were praying. She smiled and said, “Good for you. Good for you and your mother.”

“It is what’s best for the both of us,” he said. “Things are going to be better. She has a job now, and my father won’t be there, making life harder for us. I told Mom that I will do my part, too. I’m going to finish school and get a job to help her. She is doing what she has to do to take care of us, so I have to do what I’m supposed to. All we can do is try.”

“Good,” Dr. Bent said. “That is very good, Daniel. Without trying, you would not have gotten this far. You have come a long way. Remember to use your DBT Skills modules and Coping Skills methods every day when you are out of here to stay on track. Do you remember what the DBT Skills modules include?”

Daniel answered, “Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.”

“That’s right,” Dr. Bent commended Daniel.  “Mindfulness is designed to teach you how to focus your mind and attention on everyday matters. Distress tolerance focuses on accepting your situations. It helps you find ways to survive and tolerate those stressful moments that arise, without involving yourself in difficult behaviors such as getting overly angry and acting out on it. Emotion regulation skills help you learn to identify and label your current emotions, identify your challenges to changing emotions, reduce emotional reactivity, and increase positive emotions. Of course, using your interpersonal effectiveness skills teaches you effective strategies when asking for what you need, and it helps you to cope with interpersonal conflict.”

“I feel like I’ve done most of that,” Daniel admitted. “It’s going to be more challenging to put those skills into action when I’m at home. Now that I know what I have to do, it’s going to be different to
see
the changes. It is easier in here with you all beside me.”

“You’re moving forward, Daniel,” Dr. Bent assured him. “That’s just how it is when you make great changes.”

“I’ll do my best,” Daniel said.

“Good, Daniel. You’ve worked so hard, and have come such a long way. Do your best. You owe it to yourself, and you deserve it,” Dr. Bent said with an encouraging smile. She seemed to be very impressed with Daniel. I knew that I was impressed with him.

Daniel was real. He was better, and it seemed like he would be getting out of here soon. I wanted to feel real. I wanted to be better. For Daniel, it had been three weeks of working it out in therapy at Bent Creek, and some work from his mother. She’d had to make a move that was best for the both of them so that things could get better. For me, it frightened me to think of what it would take, and how long, for me to get better.

Daniel’s mother worked with him in therapy, and she must have listened to what Dr. Finch had told her to do to make things better for her and Daniel. That’s why it was getting better for them. That’s why Daniel was better. She was his mother, and she took care of him.

My mother wanted me to do this for her, Nick, and Alison. I was the one with the problem, and I had to fix it. It was all on me.
I
was the one with Borderline Personality Disorder. How could I fix it on my own?

“Why are you here?” I asked Daniel. We were alone after dinner, sitting across from each other on the main unit.

The main unit was calm. The only sounds I heard were from the television. Prime time dramas were on, and Tai was into the detective mysteries. She and a few others were watching a modernized Sherlock Holmes drama. Janine and Mena were out of sight. Everyone was in their own place and doing their own thing. Daniel and I were the only ones at the table together.

I wanted to take advantage of the privacy that Daniel and I had by talking to him and getting to know him better. I looked into Daniel’s eyes. I wasn’t afraid to talk to him anymore.

“Did you try to kill yourself?” I asked.

He was sketching on a notepad. He didn’t pay me attention until I reached across the table and gently touched his arm. Daniel put his pencil down and stared at his sketch. The way his eyes suddenly shot up at me was intimidating and attractive.

He took a deep breath and said, “Are you sure you want to have this conversation?”

“I only asked a question,” I said. “You don’t have to -”

“No,” he said, “I didn’t try to kill myself. And I didn’t do a cry-for-help kind of thing. I just had a nervous breakdown or something.”

“Why? I mean...” I didn’t know exactly what to say without sounding like an idiot. “What made you break down? Was it your father?”

“Everything just hit me all at one time,” he admitted. “When my father was sent away to jail, my mother made promises that she didn’t keep. She promised to take care of us. But when my father came back, she was sidetracked. Everything became about him. He hated me. Then my best friend and I were going to run away. She was having problems at home, too. It seemed like a perfect plan, but when it came time to go, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to leave my mom with him.”

“Were you sad because you decided to stay?”

He shook his head and said, “It’s good that I stayed. It’s just…”

“It’s just – what?”

“I miss her.” His eyes welled with tears.

“Who? Your mom?” I asked.

“The girl in the drawing that you stole from me,” he said. He smiled slightly. “Her name was Theresa. We were going to run away together. The day that we were going to leave, my father went crazy on my mom, and I knew I couldn’t leave her with him. I decided to stay to help her. Theresa couldn’t understand that. We got into a huge argument, and she just left. I didn’t think that she would really leave without me, so I didn’t try to stop her.”

“You haven’t seen her since?” I asked him.

A single tear fell out of his eye. He said, “They found her car off the side of the road with her in it. She wasn’t breathing. So...”

“I’m so sorry, Daniel.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Me too. She didn’t believe in what I believed. I blamed myself for everything. I felt like it was my fault, because I didn’t stop her or run away with her. But I know now that it’s not my fault. Even if I had run away, the problems would have still been there. My father would probably have killed my mother. Theresa probably would have still killed herself, and I probably would have done it, too.”

“Were you scared?”

“At first I was. When I first got here, I thought I was being punished. Now I see what being a survivor really is. It’s not giving up. It’s not running away. It’s getting through whatever it is you have to get through to make it. It is allowing you to grow stronger for whatever is coming next. It is being brave and choosing to live through it all so that you can share your story and help others. That’s what a survivor does. I don’t want to run away anymore. I just want to live and make things better. My mom wants to do the same. I tell you, Kristen, Bent Creek may seem like the worst place to be right now, but you’ll see. It’s not.”

He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I’ve watched you.”

My heart started beating fast. He grabbed my hand gently and looked down at my bandaged wrists. His fingers traced the fresh tape that Ms. Mosley had used for the bandages when she’d changed them this morning. I closed my eyes and let myself feel this moment between us.

“You seem so sad and regretful. You can’t just let it out, can you?”

I shook my head. My eyes were still closed. I felt tears begin to well up in them. There were no words to describe that moment. His words and the feelings inside of me were just too much. The tears poured out from underneath my eyelids. He squeezed my hands. I jolted, not afraid, just feeling too much.

“Open your eyes,” he said.

I did open my eyes, and his large, beautiful eyes stared into mine.

“You know how the old people in here always have something to say to us? And when they talk, they think they know everything. You know?” He chuckled a little. Then his smile disappeared.

“There are things I keep hearing over and over that I do believe, though. They sound old–fashioned, and they are definitely cliché. But remember this, Kristen,” he told me with his seriously passionate stare. “This too shall pass, and what doesn’t kill you
will
make you stronger.”  He paused. “If you let it. Keep your head up and your eyes open. That’s how you will survive. If what you go through doesn’t kill you, let it make you stronger.”

C
HAPTER 37

It was obvious that Daniel was going home. He didn’t say anything to us about leaving during breakfast the next day, but I already knew he was leaving, since we’d talked the night before. Daniel had left me with a powerful feeling inside. It was a feeling that I wished to keep with me forever. I almost wanted to be him, just so that I could know what it was like to be that strong and be a survivor.

After our last group of the day, Daniel’s mother and his grandmother came for him. Daniel didn’t talk much in our group meetings that day. He didn’t really say much to any of us. He may have felt bad for having to leave, while we were still stuck inside. However, I knew that he was happy to be leaving.

“Have a cigarette for the both of us. Okay?” Tai requested. She punched his chest playfully.

He rubbed the spot where she’d punched. “I’ll have two as soon as I get out of here. One for you and one for me,” he assured her.

When she smiled, he wrapped his arms around her, and they hugged.  Tai was blushing as he pulled away from her. Moving on, Daniel said goodbye to a few other people.

When he came over to say goodbye to me, I looked away from his eyes. I put my head down, and closed my eyes. He gently placed his fingers under my chin, and lifted my head up so that I could look him in the eyes.

“Always keep your eyes open and head up,” he told me.

His sweet smile made me feel warm inside. He leaned in slowly, and, for a moment, I didn’t know what to do with my hands or my arms; my body wouldn’t move. He wrapped both of his arms around me and squeezed me gently. I closed my eyes and hugged him back. Squeezing a little tighter, I took in that moment. I wanted to remember that good feeling for the rest of my life.

Daniel pulled away from me, and gave me one last smile before turning and walking away. He now stood between his grandmother and mother, who were waiting for him by the exit door with Dr. Finch.

I sighed, still holding onto our moment. Mena then walked onto the unit with Dr. Pelchat. They must have just had a session. Dr. Pelchat looked irritated and tired. Mena looked angry, like she always did. Janine suddenly appeared out of nowhere, running over to me. She asked me something, but I didn’t understand her clearly.