Here We Lie (38 page)

My blood freezes. ‘He admits Dee Dee died from the potassium cyanide Lish was selling?’

‘He admits it’s too big a coincidence to explain logically,’ Martin goes on. ‘Whatever he’s said to you, he knows in his heart there must be some
connection.’

I stare at him, feeling sick. Outside in the hall I hear Rose speaking in low, urgent tones. A man is talking back to her. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but I recognize the
voice. My stomach cartwheels. I stand up, almost knocking over my chair in my hurry, just as Dan rushes into the kitchen.

There are dark shadows under his eyes. He takes in Martin in an instant, then strides over to me. For a second I give myself up to the relief of his hug. Then I remember Cameron is upstairs
– a danger to Dan – and I pull away.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask.

‘I knew Martin was going to talk to Cameron about what he’d found out and that both of them were coming here, to see you and Rose. I was worried about you.’ Dan envelops me in
another hug.

‘You can’t just barge in here,’ Rose snaps from the doorway.

‘Dan, you said this wouldn’t be safe.’ Martin’s voice is full of concern.

Ignoring them both, Dan strokes my cheek. ‘I’m not running away from this any more,’ he says, looking into my eyes. ‘We’re going back to the police. Martin too. If
Martin gives evidence against Cameron, he’ll be—’

‘He’ll be what?’ Cameron’s voice from the doorway is ice cold.

Dan and I turn to look at him.

‘What the hell is going on?’ Rose demands.

Dan draws me closer to him. Across the table, Martin puts his head in his hands.

‘We’re not keeping your secret any more,’ Dan says, looking at Cameron.

‘What secret?’ Rose asks, looking baffled.

Cameron takes a step towards Dan. His eyes are filled with hate. ‘You talked to Martin.’ It’s a statement, not a question. ‘You were told to keep quiet. And you
talked.’

‘What are you—?’ Rose starts.

‘So fucking what,’ Martin protests, jumping up from the table. ‘You’ve been lying to me since I fucking met you, Cameron. You—’

The doorbell rings again.

‘Did you call the police?’ Cameron’s eyes widen. He stares at Dan.

Dan shakes his head.

Rose rushes out of the room. There’s a split second where we can all hear her fling open the front door and I’m hoping against hope that Dan
did
call the police. And then
Jed’s voice fills the air.

‘Is Cameron still here? Martin said they’d be here.’ He storms into the kitchen, his fists clenched. He barely notices me or Dan or Martin. His eyes bulge as he focuses on
Cameron, standing in front of the counter.

‘You fucking bastard.’ Jed hurls himself forward, shoving Cameron against the wall. Cameron rams into it hard, gasping for breath. Jed swings a punch into Cameron’s gut. With a
groan, Cameron doubles over. It all happens in a flash. I stand next to Dan, unable to move. Across the kitchen my brother and sister watch with open mouths.

‘You dragged my son down into your fucking
hellhole
,’ Jed roars, ramming Cameron against the wall again. ‘After Martin called me I spoke to Lish again. He’s
admitted everything. He was crying his eyes out like a baby, telling me how you tricked him into running drugs, how you’re a fucking
criminal
, a
drug dealer
, you
bastard
.’ Jed gives Cameron another shove. Cameron reels back, hands flailing for purchase on the kitchen counter beside him.

Jed shoves his arm up against Cameron’s throat. He presses the windpipe, fury in his eyes. ‘You killed my daughter.’ His chest heaves, the words rasp out of him. He forces his
arm against Cameron’s neck. I’m frozen to the spot, unable to move. Martin is standing beside me. I can feel the terror coming off him in waves.

Cameron’s hand is now reaching along the counter, searching for something he can use to push Jed away.

‘Lish admitted he had potassium cyanide,’ Jed spits. ‘Which means you must have found a way of giving it to Dee Dee.’

‘No,’ Cameron gasps, wild-eyed with fear.

‘I’m going to fucking kill you,’ Jed growls.

‘Jed.’ I’m barely aware I’m speaking. I have no idea what to say. ‘Jed, stop, please.’

Jed glances over, his arm still pressing against Cameron’s skin. He sees me properly for the first time and his gaze softens.

‘You’re right to be angry, Jed,’ I say. ‘But let’s call the police. Dan and I can give statements. And Cameron’s told Martin everything. We’ve got
enough to send him to jail. For a long, long time.’

Jed nods and, for a second, I think it will be all right, that he will stop. Then Jed’s eyes shift to Dan beside me, to Dan’s arm, protective, around my shoulder. His expression
hardens again and he turns back to Cameron.

‘
You bastard
,’ he snarls, his hands now tightening around Cameron’s throat. Cameron lets out a terrible gasp. The colour is draining from his face. He can’t
breathe. His hand is still reaching, straining across the counter.

He lights on the knife block. His fingers claw around the handle of the long, sharp carving knife in the centre.

As he pulls out the knife, Martin lurches across the room. And then everything happens so fast it’s a blur. As Martin grabs Jed’s arm, pulling him away, Cameron lunges forward. The
knife gleams under the light, then disappears as Martin and Cameron cling to each other. An eternity passes in a second as Martin staggers back, the knife in his chest. He falls to his knees, then
slumps to the floor. Cameron lets out a roar. He flings himself onto the floor beside Martin. Jed backs away, his mouth wide open in shock. I wrench myself out of Dan’s grasp and race over to
my brother. I kneel down on the other side of him from Cameron, who has taken Martin’s hand and is moaning under his breath. ‘Please, no, please . . .’

Martin looks at him for a second, then turns his head towards me. Blood is pouring from his chest. Rose stands in the doorway, her hands over her mouth. Behind me I can hear Jed suck in his
breath. But I keep my eyes on my brother’s face. Martin’s gaze meets mine: soft, fearful, full of love. For a moment I think he’s going to speak then the bright of his eye fades
to nothing. Rose gasps and Cameron bows his head and the room fills with silence. I feel for Martin’s pulse, on his neck, on his wrist. I can’t find it.
No.
I won’t believe
it,
can’t
believe it. Dan comes over. He bends over Martin and presses his neck, a firmer, more expert touch than mine. He looks up and shakes his head and the truth shifts the world
on its axis, changing everything forever.

So I texted Bex straight after I saw what I saw this morning and said she had to text me back URGENTLY and I was going MAD waiting for her to text. I kept thinking about
what I had seen them do and what it meant. It is wrong, REALLY wrong and I don’t know what to do. I WASN’T misunderstanding AFTER ALL. It REALLY happened. In fact it was much WORSE this
time – I actually filmed a bit by accident on my phone but I couldn’t bear to look at it.

I was still waiting for Bex to text back and thinking that I HAD to tell someone. In fact I was waiting for Emily to wake up but then OH THANK GOD Bex sent me a text asking what was wrong and
I told her and she was REALLY shocked and sad and said there isn’t anyone you can trust and grown-ups will always let you down and to be honest she made me feel a bit like it was scary inside
me and I said I was going to tell someone, Emily probably, and Bex texted back in like two seconds saying NO!!!! and I asked her why and she said it would just mess everything up for my whole
family and get everyone upset and I texted saying I was ALREADY UPSET and Bex said she knew and of course but I could tell her all about it. And I said I thought I should tell a grown-up and she
said what was the point, grown-ups don’t have all the answers you know, and THAT surprised me because she sounded a bit cross and it didn’t feel good so I said Emily was different and I
would just tell her and it wasn’t about having answers. And Bex did a sad face emoticon and said she would be upset if I told Emily my secret and I said why and Bex asked why wasn’t she
enough of a friend for me to share my secret with just her. So I said she was my bestie and that wasn’t the point but she said she was REALLY upset because I don’t trust her and I am
her only friend and her mum is really ill and her stepdad is so mean and she started talking about cutting herself again, she was so upset, and I felt REALLY bad. And she sent text after text
saying she was crying and SO upset and so I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone after all.

A day passes. Two. Dan and I give long interviews to the police, telling them everything. Cameron and Lish are arrested.

Jed doesn’t call me, for which I’m thankful. Neither does Zoe. I spend my time with Dan, when he is free from police questioning, and with Rose. We cry together for our brother. For
the fresh gash splitting our family. For the fact that our lives have been turned upside down. Again.

Bogdan is caught trying to leave the country. He gives evidence against Cameron and Lish. Then Lish gives evidence against Cameron. None of it seems to matter. Martin is gone. I feel nothing,
only a dull, numb sense of loss, punctuated by terrible flashbacks to the moment Martin fell backwards, the knife in his chest.

Two more weeks pass. Martin’s funeral takes place. Rose has people back to the house afterwards. I think this is morbid – it’s where he died. I can’t bear to sleep here
and am staying with Laura. I spend most of the wake out in the garden, even though it is freezing.

As the light fades from the day I sit on the swing at the far end of the lawn. I remember my dad installing it for me on my seventh birthday, soon after we moved here. Despite my desire to
create a different, more grown-up, relationship with Rose I can’t deny that it’s a huge comfort to be here, surrounded by the strong sense of my parents that this house provides, a
testament to their love for us. Dan seeks me out and holds me. I love his silence, his understanding that there are no words for my grief.

‘Come home with me?’ he asks gruffly. ‘I want you to meet Lulu, move in with me, please?’

I shake my head. ‘I just can’t rush from Jed to you, not after everything that’s happened, not after Martin. There’s got to be a bit of space.’

Dan nods, his storm-coloured eyes reflecting the dying light of the clouds overhead. ‘Okay,’ he says softly. ‘We’ll do whatever you want.’

‘This is so hard,’ I say. ‘I keep reliving the knife in his chest, I see it over and over again. Rose says I should talk to someone, but . . .’

‘You’re not ready?’ Dan asks.

‘No.’ I lean against him. ‘Not for any of it, but soon maybe, soon.’

‘Soon,’ he says.

He goes and I return to the wake. Only a few people are left, mostly old acquaintances of our parents that I’m no longer properly in touch with. Rose is talking intently to a couple in the
living room. I head to the kitchen and start clearing the dirty plates and glasses. As I work, a thousand thoughts crowd my head. I think of Dan, of course, but mostly of Martin, how impossible it
seems that he is gone. I know that the full pain of being without him hasn’t even begun to hit me yet, that the flashbacks are only the start of my grieving. I think of Cameron and Lish and
the court case that lies ahead. I wipe the counter tops. I have a book somewhere on helping people deal with trauma. I read the chapter on children for a course I did during teacher training. There
were exercises for helping you get past a terrible shock. I can’t remember the details, but maybe one of them might help me process what is happening. I fold the dishcloth, frowning. Where on
earth is that book? It’s so long since I read it, I can’t even remember the title, but I know it was a seminal work.

The lawyers are confident that the combination of Bogdan’s testimony and the statements that Dan and I have each given, plus the ongoing police investigation, will enable them to build a
strong case when it comes to the drug dealing. It’s a different story when it comes to finding out who killed Dee Dee. It’s ironic that the only mystery that remains unsolved is the one
that began everything. There is absolutely nothing, it seems, to link either Cameron or Lish to her death and without proof that Lish was actually in possession of any potassium cyanide at the time
(and Lish and Cameron have both sworn to the police that he wasn’t), the lawyers have been unable to bring a murder charge against them.

The last few guests leave and Rose and I work in silence together for a while longer. At last it is done. As Rose lugs a bag out to the rubbish bin, I slip away, avoiding looking at the patch of
kitchen floor where Martin died. Rose insists we have to get past the fact that his life ended in this room, that our positive memories must be allowed to outweigh the negative ones – but
I’m not sure I will ever be able to feel comfortable in the house again. Thank goodness I can go back to Laura’s later.

I’m determined to find the trauma book. I know it isn’t in my bedroom, or in any of the unopened bags and boxes I brought back from Jed’s house which are currently stored in
Martin’s old room.

I stand on the landing, trying to think where it might be. Outside, I can hear Rose clanking the bin lid down and walking back along the path. She pushes open the front door and sees me at the
top of the stairs.

‘Cup of tea?’ she asks.

‘Thanks. I’m just looking for something, then I’ll be down.’

Rose disappears into the kitchen and I go into her bedroom. It’s large and airy, Mum and Dad’s old room, with the bed at one end, a chest of drawers between the two windows and a
long fitted wardrobe along the far wall. As I flick through the clothes on its rail, I’m struck again by how smart and sophisticated Rose’s outfits have become. This closet used to be
crammed with shapeless tops and trousers going back twenty years but they’re all gone and a neat row of simple, well-designed suits and dresses – similar to the grey silk shift she is
wearing today – hang in their place.