Here With Me (5 page)

The therapist nods.

“I was the firework. I was the butterfly. I was every analogy you could think of. I didn’t see stars. I became the star. My first kiss was everything it was meant to be and more.”

“I WANT TO SHIFT
gears and talk about some happier times for you.”

“Okay,” I reply, picking up the chair that I had knocked over. I lean over and clutch the arm rest as my mind pictures them splintering apart from my grip. I want to break everything in my sight, or shoot something and watch as the bullet rips through and decimates its framework. She makes me want to talk, even if it’s against my will. I don’t know if it’s her voice or the fact that I know Ryley was here earlier, sitting in this same room and answering the same questions that allow the words to flow freely through my lips.

My thoughts drift to the couch, and I find myself wondering if Ryley sat there or in this chair. Did she lie down and relax? Or sit rigid like me? It’s been so long since I’ve been in a room with her I don’t want to think about how she’s changed. I know she’s not the same woman I left behind, and I can’t deny that I want the same girl I fell in love with. I want her to run into my arms and tell me that everything is going to be okay even though I was the one always saying those words to her.

“Tell me about the time you met Ryley.”

I chuckle and release the armrests, walking around to the front of the chair. I sit down with a huff. “She didn’t tell you?”

The therapist sets her pen down and clasps her hands together. She smiles lightly, telling me that yes Ryley did, in fact, fill her in. I love that the way we met brings a smile to a stranger’s face. Yes, the woman across from me is a stranger, regardless of what she’s learned from Ryley. It’s a story I love to tell though¸ so I’m happy to oblige.

“Evan, you know I can’t tell you what Ryley and I discussed today, and I’ll be honest, I’ll likely use some of the information I learned earlier to see where you’re at.” She leans back, allowing her chair to rock back and forth. “I’ve been a couple’s therapist for years now and while it can be frustrating, it can also be rewarding. When Ryley presented your case I knew that I’d have to do a different approach and that time was of the essence.”

My eyes drop down when she brings up time. I know that there’s a time limit, that Ryley is being pressured. I didn’t ask her to bring us here, but I’m not going to lie; if this works I’ll be grateful. I also know she’s set to walk down the aisle shortly and everything in me is telling me that I’ll be there to stop it. She’s supposed to be marrying me, not him. It’s never been him.

“Evan, are you still with me?”

I look up quickly and blink away the vision of Ryley in a white dress carrying a bouquet of her favorite flowers, her arm locked inside of her father’s as they walk down the carpeted floor to where
I
should be waiting for her. I don’t want to know how this daydream plays out because I could very well not be standing there waiting for her. It could be Nate and if that’s the case I’m either dead
again
, or I’ve lost her. I know she feels that she lost me and if I could, I’d go back and change history. But I can’t. All I can do is provide her with the answers I have and maybe together we can put the puzzle pieces back together and see if we still fit.

“Yeah, sorry.” I clear my throat and sit up a bit straighter. “When I met Ryley I was this cocky teen who thought my shit didn’t stink, but boy was I wrong. I never had any trouble getting a girlfriend, and I really never wanted one, but the girls flocked to me and I let them until I met Ry.

“The guys and I were hanging out at the park playing a little football, when for some reason I cocked my arm back and threw this long pass.” I imitate the throwing motion much to the therapist’s surprise. Her eyes go wide as she bring her hands up in front of her face as if she’s going to catch my pass. For the first time, I laugh at the humor present in the room.

“Sorry,” I say as I bring my arm back down to my side. I rub my hands on my pants and remember the day I was graced with Ryley entering my life.

“
‘Holy shit, what the hell did you do, Archer?’”
I stood in the open field with my mouth agape, ignoring the condescending voice behind me. When I let the ball free from my hand I knew it was going to sail over everyone’s head, but I had no idea it would land across the street and knock someone out. I remember I said ‘shit’ as I saw her fall to the ground. I thought my dad was going to kill me for hitting her with the football. The last thing I wanted was for him to come down on my ass and threaten military school. That was his answer to everything. He went, so he figured his sons needed the same education.

“The closer I got, the faster time slowed down. I’ve never felt time stop and I’ve never seen a ripple, but I swear that’s what happened. I knelt down in front of my poor, unsuspecting victim and touched her arm. I teetered at the zap that coursed through my arm when my fingers touched her skin. Still to this day, I know I can feel the residual pain.

“Her hair, it was red from the sunlight and covering her face. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that once she moved her hair, I’d be done for.

“As soon as she looked at me, even though it was through one eye because her hand was concealing the damage that I had done, I swallowed hard. My father was going to kill me, but death was going to be my reprieve because she was an angel and was definitely going to be my demise. When I pulled her hand away from her angelic face, my shoulders slumped. I had hurt her.

“I remember looking back at the guys, each one of them standing on the sideline, half of them without shirts on and the only thing going through my mind was that I didn’t want her to see them. I wanted her to only see me. They started yelling for me to throw the football back.
‘Stupid assholes,’
I said after throwing it back across the street. I wasn’t ready to leave so I knelt back down in front of this goddess that I tried to kill and tried, for the life of me, to smile sexy.

“
‘Shit, babe, I’ve gone and messed up your pretty face.’”
Of course the first words she ever heard me say were cuss words. I should’ve kicked myself in the nuts. I was such a fumbling fool in those moments, but the one thing I did that felt right was take her hand in mine. The intense feeling I had when I touched her earlier was much stronger. I never wanted to let go.”

I cover my face and fight the emotions coursing through me. “The moment I saw her, I was a goner. No one else existed or could even hold a candle to what Ryley meant to me. Anyway, I took her over to meet the guys and ended up playing like crap the rest of the day. We called the game early because I wasn’t into it. I just wanted to sit with her and find out what made her tick. I wanted to walk her home that night, but she said her parents wouldn’t like it. I hated watching her leave, but she assured me she’d be fine. For the first time ever, I wrote my number on a girl’s hand. I ran home, even though Nate and I drove that day. I don’t think I had ever run that fast in my life, but I needed to be home waiting, when she called.

“My brother found me in the morning slumped over with my head resting on my arms next to the telephone.”

“But fate intervened.”

“Ah yeah, fate was something fantastic the next day when Nate texted and told me that she was in his class. That was my second chance, and I wasn’t going to mess it up. I didn’t know what I was doing, it was almost unchartered territory for me, but I was going to give it the ole Boy Scout try.”

“What exactly?”

I adjust in my seat, but don’t even try to hide the smile appearing on my face. “I was going to woo the girl and make her mine. I was going to work to show her that I wasn’t some dumb jock who couldn’t control his throwing arm. I was going to show Ryley that I was worth the bruise she was proudly displaying.”

“And how were you going to do that, Evan?”

“With ice cream, of course.”

THE THERAPIST SHUFFLES SOME
papers on her desk. She knows I’m lost in thought remembering my first kiss with Evan. My first best kiss, the one kiss to leave me speechless. It was my secret and no one would know that the very dreamy Evan Archer was my first kiss. However, in my head, I was screaming it from the rooftops. Yes, that was my best secret first kiss.

I need a break, mentally at least. I stand, walk over to the window and see Lois’ car in the same place she parked it earlier. It’s somewhat calming to know that she’s on the other side of the door waiting for me. My eyes drift over to the park, and there sits Evan on the bench facing the window. He doesn’t look up, but maybe if I pound on the glass he will. I know he’s hurting. Our lives have been turned upside down and ripped apart too many times to count. He hates that he doesn’t have the answers to solve our problems. No one does. I’m not even sure why I’m here. What is she going to say or do to give me the solution I need? Everything’s a mess.

Evan looks up, and even from this distance I know he’s not smiling. I pick my hand up to wave, but immediately drop it, afraid of giving him false hope. Afraid of giving myself false hope.

“Evan,” I whisper his name as if I’m the only one in the room. I know I’m breaking his heart and he knows he’s broken mine, even if he didn’t mean to. We need life to be as simple as the movies or a board game. Spin the dial to determine your job. Spin again and move forward five spots to get married. I want to spin and spin again until every decision is made for me. I want someone or something to tell me which path I’m supposed to follow.

“What about Nate?” she asks. I also smile at the mention of Nate’s name. I rest my head against the window and watch Evan. His head is in his hands, a sure sign that he’s in deep thought. I want to go to him and hold him. I want to pretend that we’re the characters in one of my beloved books and that when we get to the last chapter, everything we are meant to be will be.

Sadly, my life is anything but a romance novel and as I stand here, watching the man I love while engaged to his brother, my thoughts filter to Nate. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and I can’t call him. I can’t pick up the phone and say, ‘when you come home everything’s changed.’ He thinks his brother is dead. It’s what we’ve been told for the past six years. It’s how we’ve lived.

I say his name over and over in my head. He’s been my rock for so long, and I don’t know how I’m going to break this news to him.

I shake my head not understanding her question.

“When did you become close?”

I sigh. “We’ve always been close. Nate was in most of my classes. At first, Evan was jealous because Nate and I were always studying, but eventually he got over it. I was always with Evan and if I wasn’t, Nate was around. Life seemed to work out that way. Being with them made me happy.”

“And now?”

I turn away from the window. “And now things are complicated. Nate is on a mission, and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Sometimes he’s gone for a day, other times it’s a month. If I have a problem, he’s the one who guides me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here, and it’s only going to get worse when Nate comes home. I’m not naïve enough to think you’re giving me the answers when I walk out of here, and it’s not like I can
Google
my question and have an array of answers guiding me.”

I run my hand through my hair, pulling at my ponytail. I lean against the wall, still able to see Evan. He used to smile so brightly, but now it’s dull and faded. The light has gone from him, from us, all because of some miscommunication. Things didn’t have to be like this.

“Do you love him?”

I smile when she asks this. “I do, with everything that I am. He’s been my rock, my foundation. He’s my best friend. He’s my lover. Without him, I’m a hollow shell of who I used to be. He rebuilt me from ground up. We didn’t intend to fall in love. Well, I didn’t at least, but being in love with Nate is easy. He’s been my best friend for so long that my feelings just grew. He was a constant support in my life and as much as I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, the blurred line had already been crossed in my heart. Falling for Nate was as easy as falling for Evan in some ways.”