Here's Looking at You (30 page)

Laurence frowned. ‘Er …? Give me more.’

‘Fat. Long curly black hair. Total loser. Everyone chucked sweets at her in the Mock Rock. We convinced her to dress up as an opera singer, remember? You came up with the Quality Street finale.’

‘Oh,
her.
The Spag Hag. Probably has four massive kids she feeds up now, wears one of those flowered smocks with flip-flops. Have you ever seen continental women when they let themselves go? Brrrr.’

‘That’s Anna.’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘Anna. Aureliana. Same person. She changed her name after school. Aureliana Alessi. There was something that rang a bell in Anna Alessi that bugged me for ages.’

Laurence put his cutlery down.

‘Get the fuck out of town.’

‘Serious,’ James took a sip of his cocktail.

‘What the …?’

‘Quite the brain-bender, isn’t it?’

James considered he’d even met Anna’s sister and still not twigged, though he didn’t remember Aggy at all. The younger years at school were always an invisible, amorphous mass to the older.

‘How is that even possible? Are you having me on?’

‘No! That’s why she was at the reunion. Think about it. It never made much sense her wandering into it by mistake. Can you believe we didn’t know who she was? No wonder she was pissy with us.’

No wonder indeed. The more James thought about how he looked from her perspective, the worse it got. They’d waltzed up to a woman they’d once shamelessly abused, in ignorance, and Laurence had tried to pull her. They were lucky not to get glassed. She’d gradually put aside all that history and been friendly. Could he have done the same?

‘What a mistake-a to make-a!’ Laurence guffawed. He shook his head in wonder. ‘Hardly our fault, Slim Fast doesn’t usually produce results like this. I cannot believe that a two, at best, has become a solid eight or nine. There should be a whole Channel Four
Dispatches
about it.’

‘Jesus, Loz. Have a bit of humanity.’

‘Oh come on, you know I’m kidding.’

There was a brief silence.

‘I only found out because a school photo had been left out at hers,’ James said. ‘She went absolutely batshit at me. I was like
woah
. You’re the one who’s been lying about it. Later for this shit.’

His excuse sounded very hollow, spoken aloud. James was even using Laurence lingo, a sure sign of turpitude. Yes, she’d concealed who she was. But on reflection, he had to ask, wouldn’t he have done the same? Would you want to be defined by being that pariah at school, if you could leave it behind?

Aureliana was one of a handful of extreme wacky-looking oddballs that every school has. She had every qualification for being bullied bar a note from her mum for the teachers, formally requesting she be bullied. To be so much as caught talking to her could see you infected with the social equivalent of the Black Death. She was that potent. Fitting her together with the Anna of today made no physical sense whatsoever. Yet personality: he could see it. She had the acerbic perspective of an outsider.

Still, that was then.

Anna had no right to be so viciously unpleasant to him when she was found out.
Unpleasant
.
Then what’s the word for how you were to her at school?
a voice asked.

Oh God, why did he blurt ‘freak’ at her? It was a defensive move, instinctual, like putting your hands up when someone made to hit you. Freak. It wasn’t a word he ever used. It was as if his sixteen-year-old self had come back to haunt him, an evil spirit possession.

‘Hang on, why were you round at hers?’ Laurence said, sharply.

‘Watching a DVD about the exhibition we worked on.’

‘I mean it, Jimmy,’ Laurence said, forking some curds-and-or-whey into his mouth. ‘I am dead keen on this woman.’

‘You were rating her out of ten a moment ago!’

‘Yes, rating her a solid eight. Do not touch. Consider her lashed with crime scene tape, as far as you’re concerned. I will be dusting for prints.’

James frowned. Was Loz genuinely into Anna, as much as Loz could genuinely be into anyone? They were thirty-two and Laurence had never had a lasting relationship. Maybe he’d finally decided he needed a semi-permanent, respectable someone to make him look plausible.
My girlfriend’s an academic, actually … She’s Italian …
Yes, he could imagine Laurence liking the bragging rights of a classy choice.

‘She’s not your sort of thing,’ James said, briskly. ‘I’ve seen her wear flat shoes for work. And she’s not rich.’

‘Pffft. She’s a gold-standard game-changer, a total challenge. I’m ready for a woman with real brains. I might be falling in love.’

‘You’d need a heart for that.’ James glumly fiddled about in his soft roll with a knife and thought this wasn’t going the way he’d imagined. He wanted Laurence to be on his side. Only he wasn’t sure his side was a place anyone should be, and as ever, Loz was only on his own side.

‘Oh man, this former fat girl thing is such good news.’

‘Why? I can’t believe I did something so harsh. We were twats and she’s never going to speak to either of us again.’

‘Like hell. This is why I’m in sales. Setbacks are opportunities in disguise. It’s the perfect excuse for me to have another crack at her. I’m calling to say sorry. Her self-esteem will be in tatters. It’s time for sympathetic Laurence to be a shoulder to cry on. And then a face to sit on.’ Laurence pointed his fork. ‘And do not even think about stealing this idea. It’s mine. I might even tell her the Mock Rock was all your fault and I was begging you not to, if that’s OK.’

‘Don’t you
bloody dare
,’ James said.

‘Aha! So you DO want to shag her! Fallen into my trap. I knew it.’

‘No, I absolutely don’t and I probably won’t ever see her again, but I’m not proud of what we did and I don’t want you upsetting her even more.’

Laurence shrugged. ‘We were kids. It’s so long ago it practically never happened at all.’

‘She cried, Loz. We made her cry.’

‘I’ll make her cry out again, alright.’

James put his napkin down, and gave up. Talk about talking to a salvaged brass lift door. Laurence excused himself to the toilet and James sat playing with his phone, wondering what he could say or do to put this right. He’d humiliated Anna all the more by passing this on to Laurence. It felt ugly.

And Laurence was going to use this information to have another attempt on her? He wanted to stop him, but he didn’t know how. What if she was so out-of-sorts and upset by what happened, that she did finally give in to Laurence? Then that would be on James’s conscience as well?
Argh.

Was that all he was worried about, his indirect responsibility? The notion of Laurence and Anna’s unholy congress gave him a visceral reaction that went beyond reason. He had a flash image of their bare bodies together, bucking and writhing, Laurence’s fingers wound in her loose hair … Nope, no thank you, no ta, delete that please, brain. His stomach clenched. He felt protective. Inevitable, when he’d brought all of this on Anna, he supposed.

Laurence slid back into the booth.

‘Polly and Becca from Accenture are joining us by the way. Ah, bingo,’ Laurence waved across the room at skinny women in billowing patterned dresses and spindly heels. ‘Warning, Polly is so posh she calls Cambridge “Cambles”. Get her to say “gastronomic”, it’s like she’s got a mouthful of gobstoppers.’

‘Thanks for checking this with me,’ James hissed.

‘Friends through work, no need to sprain your fanny over it,’ Laurence said, adjusting a cufflink as James blanched.

James gave Polly and Becca a grimace-smile and sat numbly through Laurence’s banter and their delighted twittering, avoiding meeting mascara-lashed coy glances.

He could only think about someone who wasn’t there, and a few hours of his life, sixteen years ago, that until now he’d chosen to forget.

Anna could hear her sister saying
what if we have to break in
and decided she’d rather have Michelle and Aggy in her flat now, than tradespeople replacing her door tomorrow. Slowly, she moved towards the door and answered the knocking.

Michelle took her e-cigarette out of her mouth as she surveyed Anna.

‘Woah. We may have got here too late.’

Aggy’s face appeared, to the right of Michelle.

‘Why are you in a baby gro?’ Michelle said.

‘It’s a
Where the Wild Things Are
onesie. It’s a wild rumpus suit and a cool cultural reference,’ Anna said.

‘It’s a boner-killing disaster, my love,’ Michelle said, bustling in with a Marks and Spencer bag for life, Aggy in tow and no invitation.

Once in the front room, they circled Anna.

‘Oh my days, what’s that brown thing hanging from your arse?’ Michelle said.

‘The tail, quite clearly.’

‘It looks a bit fecal.’

‘And what are you watching?!’ Aggy said, looking at the TV where the screen was freeze-framed on a fanged man.

‘
Buffy.
’

Anna’s guests’ eyes lingered on the giant plastic wheel of half-eaten microwave paella and open packet of Kettle Chips, next to a tub of hummus. And row of Cadbury’s grab bag confectionery pouches. OK, it looked bad, but Anna hadn’t eaten it all today. She just hadn’t cleaned up.

‘We’ve got a Mattesson’s Fridge Raider here. You eat the diet of someone who’s been captured by the Germans at the best of times, but this is some next-level shit,’ Michelle said.

She sat down on an armchair, while Aggy perched on the end of the sofa, gingerly. She was used to seeing her elder sister in control, and the disarray, both emotional and domestic, clearly discomfited her. Anna knew that despite the jocularity, they were worried. Ordinarily she’d put them at their ease. But now, she couldn’t summon the energy: she was lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.

‘First things first,’ Michelle, rustling in the M&S bag, ‘though they might be surplus to requirements, I have Percy Pigs of every variety in here. Apart from the lemon ones, they’re a bit nasty. Second thing, Anna. What is going on?’

‘I told you. I’ve been off work sick all week. Stomach bug.’

‘Yeeeees. But then we call, email, text, and we either don’t get answers or we get very brief replies, un Anna-ish replies. Then when we start making inquiries. Someone I am going to code name “Bee-Shell” in case you’re angry with her for this, realises the last person you saw before The Ensickening was that James from schooldays. And who then calls him at work, and is told there was some sort of … fight?’

‘Oh God, you spoke to James? Oh God!’ Anna pulled her onesie hood over her face.

‘Are they horns?’ Aggy said. ‘Is that a Satan suit?’

‘Ears,’ Anna muttered, through the fabric. She let the hood ping back.

‘I’m under serious pressure to find out what’s up from your colleague, Patrick,’ Michelle said.

Anna sighed.

‘I’ve saved you from a visit from him, look at it that way. What was the fight about?’ Michelle asked.

‘James didn’t tell you?’

‘Nope. “You’ll have to ask her,” was all I got.’

A small flicker of respect for James’s discretion burned for a second, before other memories extinguished it.

‘He saw a school photo and found out who I am. He laughed at me. I lost it and screamed at him that he’d been a dreadful bastard. He told me I was psychotic and said it wasn’t his fault I was a freak back then.

‘It was a massive humiliating ruck and has brought back every bad memory of being at school again.’

‘What a piece of work!’ Michelle said. ‘He called you a freak?’

‘That’s horrible,’ Aggy said, looking as if she might cry.

‘We already knew he was horrible. I just can’t believe I persuaded myself he’d ever be anything else.’

‘So. Suspected former bastard confirms his own continuing bastardy,’ Michelle said. ‘This is on him. How’s it had this big an effect on you?’

It was a question that needed to be asked. Anna had been avoiding it.

‘I don’t know. He laughed, and in an instant we were back at the Mock Rock. It proved to me I am that girl. I will always be that girl who no one wanted to know.’

‘I wanted to know you!’ Aggy said, a tear sliding down her cheek.

Anna leaned over and gave her an arm squeeze.

‘Thank you. But you didn’t have much choice, what with me being in your house. It was so stupid of me to hang around with such superficial, immoral people. I know who they are, why did I kid myself? They were nice to me and I let myself be flattered. It was so weak. I wanted to believe they’d changed. I wanted to think
I’d
changed. I wanted to finally be liked by the cool kids. How pathetic is that, at thirty-two?’

‘You are. You could be, you’re just too good for that,’ Michelle said.

‘No. It’s like … I’m wearing a disguise. Nothing’s ever real. The way I was treated then, that’s the truth of what people like him think of me. And it reveals who they really are. Everything else is bullshit.’

‘Then don’t see these superficial people. Sorted.’

‘I know,’ Anna said. ‘I’m waiting for emotions to agree with intellect that I have nothing to be ashamed about.’

‘I never dreamt they wouldn’t know who you were at the reunion, you know,’ Michelle said. ‘You’ve had all of the dragging up of the past and none of the putting it to bed. Sorry I made you go.’

‘I don’t blame you.’ Anna adjusted her tail. ‘It was me who carried on seeing James. Some part of me hoped it’d do some good, I guess.’

Well that, and you were having fun
, she thought.

‘But when you always say you’ve changed,’ Michelle reapplied e-fag to side of mouth, ‘younger Anna was clever. Younger Anna was kind and interesting and funny. These are the things people like you for and they didn’t arrive with adulthood. Yeah you look different to when you were a teenager, we all do.’

‘Everyone hated me, Michelle,’ Anna said, trying hard not to let the pressure in her throat turn into crying. ‘They
loathed
me. I’m not sure you ever fully come back from that. The feeling you are, intrinsically … unlovable.’

Ah. There were the tears. Aggy hugged her as she wept, and Michelle got up, hugged her too and they all wept a bit more. Michelle eventually muttering, ‘Your romper suit could do with a nice hot wash, I reckon.’