Hickville Confessions: A Hickville High Novel (17 page)

The store closed at six and she could have ridden home with her parents, but the last thing she wanted was to sit at home staring at her phone. So, she’d asked them to drop her off at the Early Bird. She’d hang out there and ride home with Kelsey.

She was an idiot.

When she walked through the door and saw Justin with those girls, a piece of her died. She felt it. It shriveled up and died. She’d been crazy to think a guy like him could look past her face for long.

Sure, he felt bad. He’d been caught. But it didn’t matter. She was done. Her heart couldn’t take another battering. She was going to do what she should have done in the beginning, which was to focus on school, on getting the Teens Against Violence group together, and forgetting about Justin and his bag of shit. He obviously didn’t need her to get through it. So fine, she could go on with her life without worrying about him.

After he left, Kelsey sat next to her on the swivel stool. “You’re way better off without him.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She toyed with a saltshaker. “How soon before you get off?”

“Twenty minutes.” A group of middle-aged women entered the café and sat at a back table. Kelsey slid off the stool and pulled her order pad from her apron. “I need to get this order. Do you want a coke or something?”

“No. I just need some air. I’ll be outside.”

When she stepped out onto the sidewalk, the first thing she saw was a big black Ford F150. She didn’t know whether to be happy or angry, so that meant both feelings churned in her. She had two options. She could sit on the bench outside the diner and wait for him to come to her, or she could go right up to his truck and talk to him. Either way, they were going to talk. He’d waited for her, so obviously it was going to happen.

She sat on the bench. She wasn’t chasing anybody.

His door opened almost before her butt hit the weathered seat. She kept her eyes focused on the ground about ten feet in front of her.

He sat next to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know Ashley and Courtney were going to be here.”

“I’m not worried about those girls.” It was true. It was obvious that Justin didn’t want to be with either of them.

“You’re not? Good.” He studied his hands.

She could tell he was trying to sort everything out in his brain. She let the silence fill the tension between them.

He sat back and stretched his long legs in front of him. “I should’ve called.”

She flopped against the back of the bench too. “Look Justin, you can hang out with whoever you want.” She looked down. “It’s just…”

“Just what? I want to hang out with you.”

She tilted her head and shifted her gaze toward him. “I could tell.”

“It’s not like that. When we finished with practice, Caleb invited me to come here. I should’ve texted you. I just sort of—didn’t.”

Wow. That hurt.
“You don’t have to check in with me. I knew today was a big day for you. I just wanted to be there if you needed me. That’s all.”
And obviously you didn’t.

“But I do need you.”

He sounded so fake it made her laugh. “Now you just sound like a player.”

“I’m not. Not anymore.” He raised his voice.

“Easy, boy. You don’t want my sister running out here to rescue me.”

He dragged his hands through his hair, leaving it all messy and sexy. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to be rescued from me.” He twisted to face her and stretched his arm along the back of the bench. “Today was big for me.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I went to the cemetery.”

“Wow. And?”
And then chose to share that earth-shattering experience with someone else.

“It was—horrible—and good. Afterward I had practice. You’re the only one I wanted to tell, but I—I just wasn’t ready. When Caleb asked me to hang out—I don’t know, it just seemed like a good way to not think about it.”

Sucker punched. Right in the gut. “I’m glad you found someone to have fun with.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“The thing is, I don’t want to be the girl you only talk to when you’re down.”

“But you’re not. I want to be with you.”

“I wish that were true. Think about it. You said yourself you weren’t ready to talk about it. You went out with them to take your mind off it.” He opened his mouth to argue, but she put a hand up. “Hear me out. Everything we’ve done together has been riddled with drama. We’ve never hung out just to have fun. That’s not normal. No wonder you didn’t text me. Being with me has always been heavy.”

He didn’t argue. She knew he wouldn’t. But all the same, she wanted him to. As the seconds ticked between them, she willed him to deny what they both knew was true.

She picked at her thumbnail. “Maybe we should take some time to get our lives together.”

“Why? Can’t we just make it a point to do something crazy and fun? Come on, Ryan, let’s just try.”

“Right now, whatever we do will turn all serious and deep. We don’t know how to have fun together. I need some time to get past what happened to me. You need to take time to heal with your family.” She placed her hands on his cheeks. “Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for rescuing me. Let’s not mistake this for love.”

She dropped her hands and stood. He grabbed her hand and looked at her with pleading eyes. “Don’t go.”

Her heart pounded in her chest. Part of her wanted to sit back down and snuggle into his arms. It would be so easy to lose herself in him and pretend her life wasn’t a hot mess. She bit her bottom lip. It was time to stand on her own two feet and face the people who called her
slut
and
whore
. “I can’t—not now.” She backed away and he let her hand slide from his fingers.

She turned and went back into the café, where Kelsey looked at her from the kitchen side of the counter. “You okay?”

Ryan flashed a smile that she hoped was more convincing than she felt. “No. But I will be.” Thankfully the place was almost empty and she was able to move close to the window. She watched Justin climb into his truck looking like he carried the world on his shoulders. It was good that she’d backed away from him. He didn’t need her drama.

She took a seat on the swivel stool across from her sister. “Can I have a DP?”

“Sure.”

As she waited, the reality of what had just happened squeezed her heart in her chest. She’d just let her only friend go. She’d just told the one person who had been there for her to give her space.

She took her phone out of her pocket and pulled up his name. She should tell him she’d been stupid and didn’t mean it.

Kelsey set the Dr. Pepper in front of her. “What happened out there?”

“I told him we needed space from each other.” She set the phone on the counter. “He’s dealing with so much, he doesn’t need my drama.”

“He is messed up. I’m glad you finally see that.” Kelsey snagged a sip of the DP.

“Hey. That’s mine.” She pulled the drink close. “He’s had a lot of stuff in his life. Who wouldn’t be a little crazy with all that crap?”

Kelsey put up her hands as though she were surrendering. “Sorry. It’s cool that you’re giving him space. It’s kind of the ultimate sacrifice. It’s really romantic—in a tragic sort of way.”

“Justin is not tragic.”

Kelsey grabbed a pitcher of tea and scooted from behind the counter. “Yeah, he is.” She walked to a table in the back of the room to fill glasses.

Ryan rested her elbows on the counter, cradled her head in her hands, and sipped her drink. He was tragic. He was a beautiful, sweet, sexy hot mess and she already missed him. She stared at his name on her phone. She hadn’t intended to back off, but it was the right thing to do—for both of them.

She shoved the phone back in her pocket.

*

As she pulled away from him, dragging her fingers from his, a part of his soul went with her—torn from his chest and leaving ragged edges crying out to be whole again.
Let’s not mistake this for love.
Those words made the first ragged cut severing the part of him that would be lost to her forever.

He wanted to tell himself that it was all Ashley and Courtney’s fault, but he couldn’t. The truth was that their relationship had been bundled with a whole lot of shit. It wasn’t fair to ask her to deal with his crap while she was dealing with the assholes at school.

On the other hand, they could be stronger together. That was the thought he wanted to hang on to. Stronger together.

He could get up, walk back into the diner, and tell her so. And… she’d look at him like he was crazy. Nope. Theatrics was the last thing Ryan wanted. If he wanted to be with her, he’d have to win her. He needed to get his shit together and allow her to deal with what she needed to. He had to back away, just as she asked.

He trudged back to his truck. His body felt heavy, as though gravity were trying to suck him into the earth. Sadness had a way of doing that. He rolled his shoulders in a failed attempt to shed the feeling, pulled his body behind the wheel, and headed to the motherhouse of sadness.

The sky was pink when he parked in the drive next to his dad’s car. The lights were off in the house—just like that night. He reached for the driver’s door, but was seized by tightness in his chest as his heartbeat ramped up to thud against his chest wall. Sweat beaded across his face and panic rose in his throat like bile. His memory went to his mom sitting on the floor with the drawings in her lap and the gun in her hand.

He needed to get out of the truck, but he couldn’t make his hand pull the door handle. He picked up his phone and found Ryan’s number. His thumb hovered over her picture.

No. I can do this.

But he couldn’t. What was freaking wrong with him? The image of his mom lifting that gun to her head flashed in his mind. He knew it wasn’t real, but he couldn’t stave off the panic that held him. He stared through the windshield, frozen behind the wheel.

A voice called through the fog in his brain. “Justin?”

He struggled to focus on the words that reached out to him like a lifeline to reality. But his memory went to his mom, unconscious, with a tube crammed down her throat.

The truck door swung open. “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay.” His dad climbed into the cab, pulled him against his chest, and held him tight.

Justin’s mind released him but not before making him blubber like a freaking baby. His whole body trembled with the effects of adrenaline coursing through it as he cried.

“It’s okay. Let it go, it’ll pass.” His dad’s voice was both calming and commanding.

When he could breathe again, Justin wrapped his hands around his dad’s upper arms and held on, terrified he’d slide back into momentary hell. “Help.” All he could manage was that single word.

His dad seemed to understand exactly what he meant. He kept his gaze focused on Justin and nodded. “Let’s get you out of the truck. I’m with you.”

Justin nodded.

Together they made it up the walk and into the house. His brain didn’t kick back in completely until he heard his dad’s sneakers squeak on the tile as he helped him onto the sofa.

“Let me get you some water.” The sound of ice dropping into the glass brought reality one notch closer. His dad shoved the glass into his hand and sat on the coffee table across from him. “Drink.”

The cold water felt good passing down his throat. He looked at his dad, who wore a sweat-soaked tee and jogging shorts. No wonder the house was dark. “What happened to me?”

“Post Traumatic Stress.”

“I saw the lights off and I went back to that night. It was in my head. I knew it. But I couldn’t stop the thoughts.”

His dad nodded. “I was about a half a block away when I saw you freeze. Most of the time the feelings will fade. Still, I think you should mention it to Dr. O’Malley.”

“Dad?” His heart thudded again. The question had to be asked—even if he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Yeah.”

“What if it doesn’t fade? What if it happens again?”

“We’ll deal with it. Dr. O’Malley will give you tools to help. That was a horrible night. No kid should have to go through what you did. Time is a wonderful healer. But we can’t ignore it. You can’t pretend you don’t have those memories. You have to acknowledge and deal with them.”

It made sense to Justin. Silently he prayed he wouldn’t go back to that place. He wanted to talk to Ryan. To tell her what had happened. If anybody could understand, it would be her. Had she experienced PTS? Did seeing the fountain bring back that night of terror to her? God, he hoped not.

“You hungry?” His dad broke into his thoughts.

“No. I grabbed dinner at the Early Bird.” He set his glass on the coffee table next to his dad and stood. “I’d better get my backpack out of my truck. I have Calculus homework.” He stopped at the door and turned toward his dad. “Thanks for being there for me.” Before his dad could answer, he pushed through the door and jogged to his truck.

Back in his room, he opened his book and stretched out in his desk chair. He tried to feel Ryan’s hands on his cheeks.

Let’s not mistake this for love.

No. Let’s not. Because it’s not a mistake
. He clicked on Facebook and ran through status updates. Nothing new there. He clicked on Ryan’s page. Absolutely nothing there either. He tried to focus on homework, but he kept going back to Ryan’s words. He’d just about given up working on problem number five when his dad knocked and stuck his head in the room.

“Got a minute?”

“Sure.”

His dad sat on the edge of the bed. “You doing better?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” His dad nodded and looked around the room as though he were seeing it for the first time.

“Is there something else?” Justin’s stomach clenched.

“I know I haven’t made many games in the past couple of years.”

“Any.”

“What?”

Justin gazed at him. “You haven’t made any games since I’ve been on varsity.”

His dad looked at the floor. “Okay. I haven’t made any games. I want to be there Friday.”

“So you said.”
At least twice. Who are you trying to convince? You won’t come.