Hideous Love: The Story of the Girl Who Wrote Frankenstein (6 page)

under his arm,

“I hope our child

has your generous spirit

and your bold ideology.”

He gathers me up.

“I hope our child

has your manners

and my mayhem.”

I laugh.

“I hope our child

has your passion

and my patience.”

Shelley lays his hands

upon my belly

like a priest.

He whispers

“Hello little one,

knowst thou

that you are loved,”

a prayer intoned

for the future.

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OUR DAILY LIFE

Autumn 1814

We manage

this current threesome,

Claire, Shelley, and I,

by rigorously staying on task.

In the morning

we read and write separately.

We always find funds

enough for our books.

Shelley is a devout vegetarian

and so now are Claire and I.

After our midday vegetarian meal,

we shop, sight-see, and do housework.

At night we either read together

or attend theater, opera, or a lecture.

Shelley teaches me Greek.

I thought that I would grow

to my greatest capacity

under my father’s tutelage

and amidst his library.

But I realize even greater zeal

for knowledge with Shelley.

For on top of an education

I receive love and admiration,

and in this atmosphere

I run as a racehorse.

I pick up speed around

each new bend.

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COMMUNE

Autumn 1814

Shelley talks of liberating

two of his sisters, Elizabeth and Helen,

from boarding school

so that they might

join us as we form

an association of philosophical people.

I wonder if we should not also

rescue my sister Fanny

from Skinner Street, although

it may be that Fanny prefers

a more traditional life.

Shelley writes to his friend

from Oxford,

Thomas Jefferson Hogg,

after years of no communication.

He tells him of our elopement

and of how meeting me has

changed his spirit.

He professes that he

has found contentment.

Hogg might wish to become

part of the group as well.

I grew up in a house

brimming with discussion

where Father hosted

dinners for authors,

intellectuals, and philosophers

of the day.

I would like our life

to be constructed like that.

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THE RETURN OF HOGG

November 1814

Hogg supplies us with

much-needed finances

as he is to be a barrister.

And we supply him

with much-needed

intellectual stimulation.

At first I find him dull

as dirt, but Shelley

entreats me so

to get on with Hogg

that I look to find

something in Thomas’s character

I might admire.

He is for certain persistent,

and once he sheds his shyness

he holds a conversation.

Thomas seems to have taken to me

and Shelley encourages it

as Shelley’s principle

of free love submits

that constancy has nothing

virtuous in itself.

I try to wrap my arms

around this concept,

but I struggle sometimes when

I hold my Shelley,

and only my Shelley,

so dear.

Apparently Hogg also

found Harriet to be entrancing

and Shelley’s sister Elizabeth,

so I am not first,

just the latest

of Hogg’s infatuations

with women he knows

through Shelley.

I do not harbor

feelings beyond friendship

for Hogg, but to please Shelley

I sometimes pretend to.

Thank goodness

pregnancy keeps

the possibility

of physical intimacy

with Hogg impossible.

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FREE LOVE

January 1815

Winter gnarls at the door,

and I struggle to keep warm.

But the late-night talks

about spirit worlds, ghosts,

and forming an association

of philosophical people

allows me to forget

any physical discomforts

this pregnancy brings.

Claire, Hogg,

Shelley, and I

believe an ideal society

can be formed

if we free human behavior

from the restraints

of social expectations.

Shelley wants us to push

at the boundaries of monogamy,

practicing it only if

it reflects our genuine

passions and desires.

We should let loose

restrictive social conventions.

Shelley takes up the mantle

of my father, wants us to practice

what my father philosophized.

We create a small community,

we four, but a good one to build upon.

Or at least that is what Shelley

believes. I question whether

Claire and Hogg serve as worthy

members sometimes.

Hogg sends me a love letter.

Without my knowledge,

Shelley invites Hogg over

and Shelley and Claire depart

so that I might be alone

with Hogg. I try not to act

afraid or upset.

Thomas sits too close to me

as though he wishes to nest

in my lap. The silence screams.

“Thank you for the letter

and the expression of your feelings.”

“I meant every word,”

he says predictably.

“At this time

I cannot fully return

your feelings

for we have known each other

such a brief time.

But I take it in good faith

that our friendship will blossom

until we are happier

than most lovers.”

I rub my belly

because the baby kicks.

“I am not an impatient man.”

Hogg stands up and moves

to a chair so that we face each other.

He softens his voice.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I am feeling understood,”

I say.

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SHELLEY AND CLAIRE

January 1815

My Shelley nicknames me

Dormouse, Maie, and Pecksie,

after the characters

in a children’s book,

but leaves me alone

as I bleed

with this pregnancy.

He and Claire gallivant

about town, on the walks

I should be taking,

but cannot as I am

imprisoned in bed.

I worry with silent tears

that just like Mother bled with me

my fate will be similar to hers,

and when this baby comes

I will never see my Shelley again.

One might be angry

with Shelley but I understand

that he cannot be tied down.

He is like the sun,

sometimes shining his light upon others.

And I cannot and will not expect

him to give warmth to only me.

Shelley’s grandfather dies

and he is to receive

one thousand pounds a year,

one fifth of which

will go to Harriet and her two children,

now that her Charles,

my Shelley’s heir, was born.

My, up to now, silent father

calls loudly upon Shelley

to make good his promise

of support now

that Father learns

that Shelley comes

into a little money.

My father does not

seem to care

that he will soon be

a grandfather

and still will not

speak to me or see me.

I long so

to see Father,

but my father remains

walled against me.

The only constant one

is Hogg. He visits me

like a faithful pet.

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MORE THAN AN ANNOYANCE

January 1815

As Claire lets out

the waist of one of my skirts

she cannot hold back

her tongue,

“I would never have

imagined how big

one becomes

when one is pregnant.”

I can no longer

see my feet when

I look down.

I have noticed

that Shelley lies

farther from me in bed lately

as though he fears

touching my body.

And somehow